by Lauren North
My throat is squeezing shut and I’m crumbling to the floor. I should’ve been with you. I should’ve been with my family, and I wasn’t. I’m alive and you’re not.
Oh, Mark, I’ve lost you both.
CHAPTER 64
The nurse gave me a sedative. It is Bubble Wrap over my thoughts, but I don’t want a cushion. I want oblivion.
“Can I have some morphine?” I mumble to the nurse bustling around my bed and prodding at my wound.
“Are you in pain?” she asks.
“Yes.” Everything hurts.
“I’ll ask Dr. Sadler when he’s back from his break.” The nurse in her smart green uniform and mousy brown hair scoops up my chart and scribbles a note before lifting her eyes and giving me a smile that is dripping with pity. I wonder what my notes say—WARNING: CRAZY WOMAN. SEES HER DEAD SON.
Except I didn’t just see him, a ghost floating by. I watched Scooby-Doo episodes with him. I cooked him dinners. I leaned on the doorframe of the bathroom and listened to him in the bath. I cared for him. I loved him, and he loved me back.
I don’t know what to do now, Mark.
“We’ve put you on antipsychotics, Tess,” Sadler explained as I was wheeled back to my room. “The medication, along with our sessions, will take some time to work, but they will work. We will get you better.”
I don’t want to get better, I thought, closing my eyes and pretending to sleep, pretending not to hear my mother’s whispered fears. “Is it . . . is it schizophrenia?”
“No, Mrs. Garfield. Schizophrenia is a lifelong neurological disorder which is often characterized by delusions and hallucinations, but what Tess is suffering from—her hallucination of seeing Jamie, her delusions of being persecuted by an unknown man—have been triggered by Mark and Jamie’s deaths.
“Her conscious mind couldn’t cope with the loss of both her husband and her son so tragically, and so she began experiencing depression and the start of a psychotic breakdown. It’s as though her mind is betraying her, keeping reality away. With the right medication and intense therapy, she can get well again.”
I drift off somewhere after that, a no-man’s-land between waking and sleep. When I come back to myself I sense Shelley sitting beside me. Her hand is warm on mine and her sweet perfume hangs in the air.
“Hi,” I say before opening my eyes.
She stiffens and pulls her hand away.
Oh, Mark, I am a monster, it seems.
“Is it OK that I’m here?” she asks.
I nod and open my eyes. Shelley’s face is pale and there are makeup streaks smudged on her face as if she’s cried away her mascara.
“Dr. Sadler said you were asking for me.”
It takes me a moment to wade through the layers clogging my thoughts to realize Dr. Sadler is the man I thought was a police officer helping me to find Jamie.
“I don’t remember.”
She shifts position, crossing and uncrossing her legs. “I can go.”
“No, please stay. I do want to talk to you. Where am I?”
“You’re on a private ward attached to the hospital. It’s called Hartfield Ward. It’s a private facility that your mum is paying for.”
We sit in silence for a moment and I make a fuss of moving the mechanical bed up so I can face her better. I’m buying time, trying to find a way to start a conversation I don’t want to have.
“You made a chicken casserole together,” I blurt out. “You let Jamie cut the onion with a knife. He told me before we ate dinner. You beat him at FIFA on the PlayStation that afternoon.”
She pulls a face. “When?”
I think for a moment. “The second time you came to the house. I was so tired. You came over and looked after Jamie for me and cleaned some of the house.”
She nods, causing a spark of hope to pop at the Bubble Wrap in my thoughts, but it’s not a nod of agreement, it’s one of understanding. “I did come that day. I stayed in the house while you slept and did a bit of tidying. I made chicken casserole. We ate at the table with the candles, just the two of us. I told you about my swimming and Dylan.”
“But you stayed over and slept on the sofa?”
“Yes.” Shelley nods, and her blond hair jiggles with the movement. “I was worried about you being on your own when you were feeling so depressed.”
“You took Jamie swimming the next day and then the two of you went to the supermarket and bought food.”
“Oh,” she says. “That’s why you were so worried when I was back late.”
It’s my turn to nod.
“There were times early on, like that day, when I felt like you were zoning out,” Shelley says. “You talked about Mark but never Jamie—but I didn’t know you were hallucinating until much later.”
“When?”
She pauses as if considering how much to tell me. “Looking back, there were things you said and did that I should’ve picked up on. You said to me once that you’d cook for the three of us. I thought I misheard.
“I should’ve realized when the police came to the house. You told the police operator that Jamie was in the house. The policemen who came round to check on the house told us. They asked to see Jamie’s bedroom and I showed them.”
“He was asleep.”
A wall of tears builds in Shelley’s eyes. “The room was empty, Tess. I didn’t understand why you were ironing his school shirts that night. I should’ve tried harder to talk to you about it. You were so sad. I told myself the police operator had misunderstood.”
“I don’t remember that night. You drugged me with sleeping tablets.”
Shelley gasps. “Tess, no. I would never do that. It was your mind’s defense mechanism. You shut yourself down and practically collapsed on the stairs. I told the police officers that Jamie had died, but you were so out of it.”
“What about the time before, when you stayed over the night of the storm? You made hot chocolates and put something in my drink? I found you in the night singing to Jamie.”
“Singing?” Confusion darkens her face. She shakes her head, freeing two teardrops from her eyes. “I . . . I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I heard something. I was on my way to check on you when I went into Jamie’s room and sat on the bed. I shouldn’t have done it, I’m sorry. I started thinking about Dylan and what toys he’d like to play with if he were here.”
“What about the lullaby?” I ask, hearing the tune in my head.
“What lullaby?”
“I heard you sing to him.”
She shakes her head. “I was sitting on Jamie’s bed when you found me, but I wasn’t singing. Think about it, Tess. Jamie isn’t real, which means he wasn’t in bed, so who would I have been singing to? I thought you were sleepwalking that night. You weren’t talking and your eyes kept opening and then closing. I pretty much carried you back to bed.”
“Oh” is all I can think to say.
“The beach was when I first saw you seeing him,” Shelley says. “You were brushing the air and laughing.”
“That was a good day,” I mumble.
“I’m so sorry, Tess. I should’ve done something sooner. Ian thought you should be admitted to hospital when we met in Debenhams. He was angry when I told him I already suspected you might be seeing Jamie. He wanted to tell you right there and then that Jamie had died, but I wouldn’t let him. I was trying to protect you. I think . . . I think I was jealous of you too, and that clouded my judgment. When Dylan died, everything was empty, he was just gone. But I could see that you still had Jamie, and even if it wasn’t real, to you it was.”
Another silence as my mind tries to sift through what I know is true. “I saw Mark. Was that part of my . . . my illness too?”
“I don’t know. You didn’t see him much, did you?”
“No.”
“Maybe it was jus
t like I said—the grief playing tricks on your mind, like it did on mine after Dylan died.”
“Mark is dead,” I say to myself as much as to Shelley.
She nods. “The passenger manifest showed they boarded the plane. If they’d have turned around and tried to exit the airport then they’d have had to go back through security. Their names would’ve been written down somewhere.”
“I took him to school every day.” My voice cracks.
“My friend Mel saw you.”
I nod.
“It wasn’t the school you went to. It was an office at the end of your lane. It used to be the school, once, a long time ago. But they built a new one.”
“I knew that.” I frown. Memories of walking Jamie through big blue gates into a modern building with a playground and basketball hoops flicker in my mind.
“Maybe deep down you knew,” Shelley says. “If you went to the new school then you’d see other parents and Jamie’s old classmates. This way you saw no one.”
I swallow hard against a lump cutting into my windpipe. My mouth is dry and my head throbs. I want to close my eyes and be taken away somewhere. Did I know? Deep down in the darkness where I can’t reach, did I know Jamie was gone? I think of swimming in the sea and losing sight of him. There was something dark flickering in my thoughts in that moment. I thought I’d lost him. And I had.
“I’m so sorry,” Shelley says, squeezing my hand.
“Don’t be. You’ve been a great friend to—” I stop myself in time. Not us, but “me. I thought you were trying to trick me. I thought you were making me think I was imagining things that weren’t real. I heard you on the phone after I thought someone had been in the house. You were talking about me.”
Shelley doesn’t speak and I watch her thinking, remembering. “I was arguing with Tim. I’d just found out he’d had an affair with the woman from the golf club. I didn’t want to tell you because you had enough going on.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t believe you about that man from the airline,” Shelley says. “The police told me about him hanging around. They’ve spoken to him too and he admitted to being in your garden that night. I should’ve believed you, but I thought . . .”
“You thought I was crazy.”
“No,” Shelley says.
“It’s OK. I didn’t believe me either. I thought you were trying to take Jamie away from me.”
“The police told me you thought that, but oh, Tess, I’d never take a child away from their mother. It hurts too much to think about.”
Another silence falls between us.
“Here,” Shelley says. “I brought you some flowers.” She lifts a bouquet of yellow roses from the floor. There are no supermarket tags, just two elastic bands keeping the stems in place.
I make a noise, my eyes shooting to Shelley. “Did you bring me flowers?”
“When?”
“I found tulips by the side door on my birthday . . . I thought . . . I thought—”
“Oh, Tess.” Shelley’s hands fly to her mouth. “I’m so sorry. I completely forgot about the flowers. I brought them with me, but you weren’t in. I didn’t want the flowers to wilt in the car from my heaters while I ran some errands. I put them by the side door, thinking I’ll get them when I come back. I didn’t know you used the side door as the main door. I’m so sorry.”
I nod and we fall into silence.
“I’m still trying to figure it all out. So the car that chased me. That wasn’t real either? Or the phone call from the man who knew Mark? Sadler said he thinks that’s in my head.”
“The police took your notebook, Tess. You wrote down the times when you heard that voice, and when you spoke to him. The police checked with the phone company. There were no calls.”
“Oh.” I close my eyes, blinking away the tears forming in them. “I guess I owe Ian an apology. I thought he was trying to control me to get Mark’s money. But that wasn’t real either, was it?”
“Actually,” Shelley says, leaning forward, “that was real. Ian did come into the house when you weren’t there, and he lied about Mark owing him money. He was the one driving the car that chased you on your way back from the beach. I guess he wanted to scare you so you’d take his help.”
A numbness spreads over my body. I can’t get my head around what is real and what is not. They’re telling me Jamie is dead. They’re telling me there was no man with the gravelly voice. But Ian did try to run me off the road, and he did come to the house when I was out and look through your study.
“Why would he do that? Why didn’t he just ask me for help?” I ask.
“I’m not sure, but he’s admitted it to the police.”
“Will anything happen to him?”
“I don’t know,” Shelley says. “I think he’ll be charged with something. Dangerous driving, harassment. Trespassing too. I’m so sorry. This must all be too much. I should let you rest. You’re in the right place now, Tess. Dr. Sadler will help you get better.”
“What if I don’t want to get better?” A single tear traces a line down my cheek. “Jamie is everything to me.”
“But you’re ill, Tess. You think someone is trying to get you. You thought I was trying to take Jamie away from you.” Shelley shifts in her seat and pulls up her handbag. “I . . . I did take something from your house.” She peels open the zip of her bag and pulls out the fridge magnet of Jamie, the one I thought had fallen off and been kicked under the fridge. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to take it, but I couldn’t help myself. I sometimes try to imagine what Dylan would look like now, and when I saw this photo and Jamie’s blond hair and blue eyes, I thought it could be what my baby would look like now and I took it. I’m sorry.”
Shelley presses the magnet into my hand and I stare at Jamie’s face until tears take over my vision.
“I thought because we’d both lost our sons that I could help you. I’m going to take a break from being a grief counselor. Spending time with you has made me realize that I still have a lot of my own grief to work through.”
“What would you do to see Dylan again now?” I whisper.
“Anything. Anything in the world.”
“And what if you did see him? What if you got him back and someone tried to take him away again and tell you you were crazy. What would you do?”
“I . . . I don’t know,” she says.
I turn my head to look at Shelley. Tears are falling down her cheeks and she looks like she will crumble to the floor at any moment.
“You can’t pick and choose with this kind of illness, Tess,” she says, wiping her hands across her face. “The paranoia, the man on the phone. They are part of your illness too.”
“You’re right,” I lie. “Please don’t tell Sadler I said that.”
Shelley smiles and cups my hand in hers. “It’ll get easier.”
“Has it got easier for you?” I ask.
Water builds, shimmering green in her eyes. “No.”
I nod and close my eyes again, shutting Shelley and her tears out.
“Thank you,” I whisper, “for everything you’ve done for me, Shelley. You’ve been the perfect friend.” The lie comes easily. It’s what she wants to hear.
I listen to her sobs and pretend to sleep again.
CHAPTER 65
IAN
I admit to going into Tess’s house when she wasn’t there. I went to see if she was all right. She didn’t answer the door, and I was worried about her, so I used my key and went in. It’s hardly breaking and entering if I had a key. It had been my mother’s house, after all. I didn’t take anything, but while I was there, I wanted to see if I could find Mark’s life insurance policy and make it easy for Tess to see it. I thought if she saw it, it might be the kick she needed to get things sorted.
I deeply regret telling Tess that Mark owed me money. I wasn’t thin
king straight at the funeral. My brother and nephew had just died in the most tragic of circumstances. I think it affected me more than I realized at the time. On top of that, my business partner decided he was going to sell the business and retire. I asked Mark for the money before Christmas and he was going to extend their mortgage or apply for a loan. He was going to help. I’d have done the same for him if I wasn’t maxed out.
I needed money, and I couldn’t ask Tess for a loan at the funeral. We didn’t exactly have a good relationship. I didn’t mean to lie to her. I just panicked and it came out. I thought if I told her Mark owed me money, she’d give me some of the life insurance. I knew about the policy. It was written in the will and I knew he’d left everything to his wife and son. I was only asking for a fraction of it to save my business.
I wasn’t waiting for Tess when she drove back into the village that Easter Saturday. I just happened to be on my way back from a friend’s birthday lunch and thought I’d stop by and see her. I didn’t even know it was her car until we turned off the A12 and into the village. I flashed my lights to say hi and she just hit the accelerator. I drove after her to check she was all right, but when she swerved onto the other side of the road I realized I might’ve scared her by accident. I’d been drinking with lunch. I wasn’t over the limit but I might’ve been on it, and I didn’t want to go through the whole Breathalyzer thing, so I just drove home.
I haven’t been a good person to Tess, I see that now. I lost Mark too. I think the grief has messed me up more than I realized, but in the end I really was just trying to help her.
I believe that the facts stated in this witness statement are true.
Signed,
Ian Clarke
SHELLEY
Looking back, it’s easy to say that I should’ve seen it earlier. There were signs right from the start. Even on my first visit, there were two bowls of breakfast cereal in the sink. I just thought Tess had changed her mind about what she wanted to eat. It really wasn’t obvious, is what I’m trying to say.
