by Lexy Parker
I watched as he tugged at the ring, finally getting it to move over his knuckles until he had it between his fingers. He stared at it for a few seconds before reaching out and putting it on the nightstand.
“Philip?”
“It’s time,” he said, his voice somber. “I’m in a relationship with you. I don’t need to wear the ring. She’ll always be a part of me, but she’s not my wife. Not anymore.”
“Philip, you don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for,” I assured him.
He turned his face toward me, his nose brushing over mine. “I’m ready.”
I had to fight the tears that threatened to embarrass me. “I’m ready too,” I whispered.
He reached for me, his hand moving to the back of my head as he held me steady, kissing me and promising me without using words. I had never felt so complete in my life. The feeling was absolutely terrifying, but I chose to embrace it. I wanted to ride it out, see where it took me. If I ended up battered and bruised at the end of the ride, I would accept it. What we had right then in that moment made it all worth it.
Chapter 39
Philip
It was a warm spring day in Seattle. It wasn’t often we had a day in April with no rain, but it was like the universe knew I needed the sun to be out that day. I took Jamie’s hand in mine, with Sadie’s gripped tightly in my other hand as we walked out of the airport. It had only been a few months since we’d left, but it felt like a lifetime. So much had changed since I had left my hometown.
We strolled through the airport, the bag with mine and Sadie’s clothes slung over one shoulder while Jamie carried her own small overnight bag in her free hand. The day had always haunted me, but it wasn’t quite as dreadful as usual. It only took a minute to hail a cab to take us to the hotel I had booked in advance.
“It’s so big,” Jamie exclaimed.
I laughed, giving her a look that said I wasn’t thinking about the size of the city. “If you’re referring to the city, it definitely is.”
She giggled, shooting me a look before looking at the top of Sadie’s head between us. I winked in return, glad some things still went over Sadie’s head, literally and figuratively. Jamie looked out the window, watching the scenery as the cab driver expertly navigated the busy city streets. We headed north toward Everett where Tara had been laid to rest. I paid the driver, and we quickly hurried out of the car and checked into the hotel.
“Are you ready for this?” Jamie asked in a low voice while Sadie used the bathroom.
I nodded my head. “I am.”
“Are you sure you want me to go?” she asked again.
I smiled. “I do. This is what Sadie wants, and she’s right. We need to introduce you to Tara.”
“Okay.”
When Sadie came out of the bathroom, she smiled when she saw us kiss. “I’m ready.”
“Okay, the Uber is waiting,” I told her.
The driver took us to a flower shop. Sadie picked out some pretty tulips to leave on her mother’s grave. Then it was off to the cemetery. The area was awash with green. Old headstones were on the right as we quietly strolled along the paths toward Tara’s site.
“This is it,” I said in a somber voice, staring at the words engraved in the headstone.
I still felt that familiar pang of guilt and sadness, but it wasn’t quite as devastating. I didn’t feel like I was all alone in the world and lost. I felt grounded, ready to move on with my life.
“Hi, Mommy,” Sadie said, dropping to her knees to brush off some freshly cut grass from the base of the headstone. She put the flowers in the little cup before placing her palm on the headstone.
Jamie stood back a few inches, giving me and Sadie some time. It was the four-year anniversary of Tara’s death. It was hard to imagine it had been four years. Some days, it felt like twenty years, and other days, it only felt like a couple weeks. The memories of her smile, her eyes, and her curly hair washed over me. She’d been taken too soon.
“You okay?” Jamie asked, reached out to touch my arm.
I nodded. “I am. It’s different this time.”
She offered a smile. “I hope that’s a good thing.”
“It is.”
We stepped back, giving Sadie some time to talk with her mom. She was rambling on about her school and the new house. Sadie wasn’t the least bit sad. This was her reality, and it was how she talked to her mother.
“She seems almost happy,” Jamie commented.
I nodded. “This is her visiting with her mom.”
“You did good. I know how hard it must have been to come out here. The first time I visited Gage, it was extremely difficult.”
I nodded my head. “It was, but Sadie needed it. Then we started coming every week. It became part of our routine. I guess it kind of numbed me to the pain. I didn’t have to think too much about where we really were. We were simply visiting Tara.”
“I think it probably helped her more than you will ever realize,” she said, wrapping her arm around my waist.
I took a deep breath. I felt like I owed her the truth about what happened.
“Every day, I look at Sadie, and I say a little prayer, thanking God the accident happened when she was alone,” I said. “I don’t think I could have survived had Sadie been in the car with her.”
“It was a car accident?” Jamie asked.
I nodded. “Yes. She was on her way to pick up Sadie from daycare. I was told she was killed instantly. She was hit head-on. The cops told me she probably never saw it coming. I have to hope that’s true.”
“I’m sorry, that’s terrible,” she murmured.
I released a long exhale. “It was bad. It took me two days to get here. Sadie had been in a bit of a daze. The first thing she said to me when I picked her up was ‘Mommy is dead.’ It broke my heart. She was so little, and yet she knew about death firsthand. I hated that she had to know the word, let alone what it meant and how it felt.”
“That is a tender age, but she seems to be handling it very well,” she assured me.
I nodded. “I like to think so too.”
Sadie was still chatting away. It was both sweet and heartbreaking at the same time.
“Thank you for bringing me here. I feel like I’m getting to meet her.”
“Sadie does a great job keeping her alive.”
“Yes, she does.”
We watched Sadie a few more minutes.
“I think the worst part about unexpected deaths is you don’t get to say goodbye,” I said. “I always think about the last conversation we had. I think it was something about the washer repairman being late. It was such stupid, idle conversation. I think I told her I loved her, but it was more of a thing we said when we were ending a call than something I truly felt. I mean, I did love her, but I always wonder if I told her enough, if I showed her enough.”
Jamie was nodding, looking across the cemetery. “I understand. The last conversation I had with Gage was us arguing over what we were going to have at Thanksgiving dinner. I feel the same way. Why had I wasted the last ten minutes I would ever get to talk to him fighting about whether or not we had pumpkin or pecan pie? It seems so trivial now, but in the moment, it was important. We never thought about one of us not being around for the dinner.”
“It sucks, and it is so unfair,” I said, thinking back to those dark days. “It makes me angry. I was so mad for months after she died. My entire life had been turned upside down. I don’t think I could have held it together if it hadn’t been for Sadie. She was the only reason I got out of bed every morning.”
“I think Dani still has those days,” she said in a soft voice.
I nodded in understanding. “I bet she does. You’re there for her, and that is huge. Don’t give up on her.”
She laughed. “Thank you for forgiving her. She can be blunt, but the one good thing about that is you never have to worry if she’s telling you the truth. She is. Always. Whether you want to hear it or not.”
&
nbsp; I laughed. “She is definitely a handful, but now that I’ve gotten to know her and understand where she’s at in life right now, I can empathize. Some days, a shitty mood takes over, and you are mad at the world for no good reason.”
She nodded her head. “I do know that feeling. I hope you understand that I don’t expect you to forget about her or not talk about her when I’m around. She’s a part of your life and Sadie’s.”
“Thank you. I know Tara would be happy to know I found you and that you are a part of Sadie’s life. Sadie hasn’t been this happy in a long time. I mean, she’s never appeared sad, but I’ve always known she was putting on a good show for me. She needs a woman in her life, and I’m glad it’s you.” I turned my back to Sadie and stood directly in front of Jamie.
“That is very sweet,” she said. “Thank you. I promise I will try to be a positive influence, but if we’re being honest, I have to tell you something.”
I gulped down the lump in my throat. “What is it?” I asked, worried she had a change of heart.
“I cursed in front of her yesterday,” she said, looking terribly guilty.
I laughed. “The F-bomb?”
Her mouth dropped open. “No! Sheesh, not that bad. I said shit. I slammed my finger in the fridge, and I said shit. Sadie was right there.”
I tried to hide the smile. “First of all, I’m not even going to ask how you slammed your finger in the refrigerator. Second of all, Sadie has heard the word shit a time or ten. I’m a Marine. It took me a while to remember I was around a four-year-old and not my guys.”
She breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank God. I will do my best not to have any slips.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I assured her. “It happens.”
She smiled, nodding. “Thanks.”
“I love you,” I blurted out the words.
I knew standing in the cemetery in front of my dead wife’s headstone was probably about the worst place to say it for the first time, but it was what I felt.
“I—” she said, opening her mouth and then shutting it.
“It’s okay,” I told her, a little bummed by her reaction, but not all that surprised. “You don’t have to say it back.”
“No, I want to,” she stammered. “I love you too. You just, you, uh, you caught me off guard.”
I smiled. “I caught myself off guard.”
Sadie came to stand by me. “I’m ready to go now,” she said.
I looked down at her. “Let me say goodbye, and then we’ll go.”
“Come on, Sadie. Let’s go check out those old tombstones.” Jamie took her hand and walked away.
I appreciated she was giving me the privacy to say my goodbyes. It was going to be my final goodbye. It had to be. I walked to the granite stone, rested my hand on the top of it, and closed my eyes. Images of her floated through my mind.
“Hey,” I started, my voice low. I didn’t want anyone to overhear.
“I know this is weird, but in a way, I wanted you to meet her. I don’t know if I believe in Heaven, but if you’re up there looking down at us, I hope you see things are getting better. We had some rough days there, as I’m sure you know. I’m getting better now. Sadie, damn, she’s a trooper. You did such a great job with her. You raised her on your own most of the time while I was away. I’m sorry I was away so much. Things are going to be different now. We’ll come back and visit as often as we can, but we’re building a new life in Tennessee. It’s going well. Really well. I’ll always love you, but it’s time for me to say goodbye. Goodbye, Tara.”
I rose to my full height, feeling lighter. A burden had been lifted from my shoulders, a burden I didn’t even know I was carrying. Saying goodbye was cathartic. It was part of the healing process. I would never be completely healed, and there would always be a scar on my heart from shattering when I lost her, but I felt like I was strong enough to love again.
I turned to find Jamie and Sadie walking through the older part of the cemetery hand in hand. The sight warmed my heart. They looked good together, very natural. I could see Sadie trusted Jamie, and I certainly did. It was the start of something new.
Epilogue
Jamie
Eight months later
I stretched the pink sheet over the twin mattress, quickly growing irritated when it stretched too tight and fell off the end I had just put on.
“Dammit, seriously?”
I stomped over and stretched it back on, managing to get it on nice and tight before spreading the pink comforter over the bed. I liked tidying up after an eight-year-old. I had transformed the spare room in my house into a room for her. We had regular sleepovers, sometimes at my place, but usually at his house. It made more sense, but on occasion, we stayed at my place. We hadn’t really talked much about moving in together. I didn’t bring up the subject, not wanting to rush him into anything.
I picked up her toys, putting them in the little basket in the corner. I looked around the room and decided it needed some color. The plain white walls were boring. I smiled, already planning a trip to Home Depot with Sadie to pick out a new color.
I could hear my phone ringing, and I headed for the kitchen where I had left it. I assumed it was Philip asking what I wanted for lunch. Him and Sadie were supposed to be on their way over. I decided I was craving a sub sandwich. We were going to be putting up my Christmas tree later. I was hoping to start new traditions with Sadie, while honoring the ones she had started with her own mom.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Jamie, it’s me,” Dani said over the line.
“Hey, what’s up?” I asked her.
“Um, I was just driving by the shop,” she said, her voice grim. “I think you better get down here.”
I gasped, suddenly very worried. “What happened? What’s wrong?”
“How long will it take you to get here?” she asked.
“Shit. I’ll be there in ten minutes. Did you call the police?” I assumed it was something that would require a police presence.
“I’ve taken care of it. Hurry up. I’ll be waiting.” She ended the call.
“Son of a bitch,” I hissed, rushing back to my room to quickly pull on some shoes.
I took a few seconds to finger-comb my hair before pulling it up in a ponytail. I dashed down the hall, trying to remember where I put my keys and remembered they were in my purse.
“Where the hell is my purse?” I muttered, spinning around and finding it on the table where it always was.
I grabbed it and rushed out the door, realizing the tennis shoes were a mistake. There was a layer of snow on the ground, freezing my feet almost instantly as I walked to my car. I gave the car about ten seconds to warm up before I headed down the street, slightly irritated I had to drive slower than usual because of the snow on the roads.
When I got to the shop, I looked around the front and noticed nothing out of place. I walked around back, my keys in my hand. I didn’t see any police or Dani, which seemed odd.
“Dani?” I called down the back alley.
There was no answer. I used my key to unlock the back door and slowly reached my hand in to turn on the light.
“Don’t,” I heard Philip’s voice.
“Philip?” I asked, wondering how in the world he was in the shop.
“It’s me, come in,” he said, appearing in the door and opening it from the inside.
“What are you doing here?” I asked. “Did Dani call you?”
It was then I saw the Christmas lights hanging from the ceiling. I looked up, smiling at how pretty it looked.
“Come in,” he repeated, taking my hand.
He closed the door behind me. The twinkling lights were above and on the floor, framing a path of rose petals. I gasped at the sight.
“What’s this?” I asked.
He chuckled. “Follow me,” he said, taking my hand and leading me across the path of rose petals to the front of the store.
When I rounded the corner, I dropped his hand and
covered my gaping mouth. “Oh my god,” I breathed the words as I looked around my shop, done up in festive Christmas lights with a huge silver and blue tree in the center. Sadie and Dani were standing on either side, both of them wearing matching blue dresses. I spun around to look at Philip.
He wasn’t there.
“Jamie,” he said my name. I looked down to see him on one knee.
I sucked in a breath. “Philip!”
“Jamie, you are the light of our lives. All of our lives. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I never want to have to imagine it.”
I could feel tears streaming down my cheeks and knew I was ugly crying. My heart felt like it would explode in my chest.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I told him, managing to speak around the lump in my throat.
“Good. I want you to be my wife. I’m asking you to please, please marry me and say you’ll stay with me and Sadie for the rest of our lives.” He produced a ring from his jeans.
I looked down at the diamond surrounded by pretty blue sapphires. It was dainty, gorgeous, and absolutely perfect. The tears were soaking my neck. I turned to look over my shoulder, finding Dani fighting back the tears as well. Sadie had a huge grin on her face.
I turned back to look at Philip. He was still staring at me, the question still hanging between us.
“Answer him,” Dani urged.
“Yes,” I said, but I wasn’t sure he could hear me. “Yes!”
He smiled. “You had me going there for a second.”
I burst into a watery laugh, grabbing his hand and pulling him up. “Get up here.”
He got to his feet. I watched as he took the ring out of the box and took my hand. It was surreal to watch him slide it on my finger. I was engaged. The words floated through my mind.
I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him, pouring my heart and soul into the kiss. His arms went around me, squeezing me and spinning me around as he lifted me off my feet. When he set me down, I was immediately embraced by Dani.
