“Yeah, but we’re taking off Thanksgiving night, baby. Your parents will kill you if you’re not there.” She sighs loudly because we both know I’m speaking the truth. The Baker family is militant about having her home for the holidays. Having Lea buck tradition so she can see me off won’t go over too well.
“Ugh, I hate this,” Lea whines. “I’m going to talk to them tomorrow because this is important. They’re going to have to understand that you’re my family too. And this is a big deal, you’re going to be singing on stages everywhere, like a real singer!”
Her enthusiasm is forced, clueing me into the fact that she’s as nervous about talking to her parents as I am for her. She can say they need to understand where she’s coming from, but we both know they won’t. They’ll tell her that there’s nothing more important than family and they don’t believe the concept that family can be more than those you’re linked to by genetic material. In the end, it’s going to make everything harder for her and I don’t know that I want that for her. The problem is I’m too much of a selfish prick to tell her to stay home. The last thing I want is to watch everyone else saying goodbye to their loved ones before boarding the bus while I think about the person responsible for pushing me to be my best.
“Are you still there?” Lea asks, snapping me out of my internal battle between her needs and my desires. “Don’t worry about me— I’m pretty sure this is going to be the least of the upset I lay at their feet in the future.”
“Meaning what?” I ask, wishing she’d tell me whatever she’s been holding back since her visit. It’s not the first time she’s made vague statements about her parents realizing that she’s a grown woman or them being ticked off at her.
“Colby, we both know that it doesn’t matter when I come down there, they’re going to go thermonuclear about it. If I’m not right here, where they can keep me under their thumb, they won’t be happy.”
Funny, my family couldn’t give a shit less what I do. I’m pretty sure they know I left the state, but only because they would have heard it through the grapevine at this point. I was their greatest disappointment and always will be, even if I have a room lined with platinum records and awards.
Tonight, the distance between us is more than the miles. We’re polar opposites in almost every way. She’s from a tight-knit, over protective family while my parents had no business procreating. I’m a compulsive dreamer and she’s the obsessive planner. My glass is half-empty while she’s simply enjoying a drink, waiting for a refill. The thought that it’s going to get even harder for us to defy the odds before it gets easier is a weight crushing my chest.
“Baby, I’m wiped out and have to be back at the studio in the morning. Can I call you on my drive in?” I’m lying, and I’m sure she realizes it, but this conversation is about to take a turn neither of us need right now.
“Yeah, sure,” she says, her words strained like she’s struggling to give me what I need. Silence fills the line, neither of us wanting to be the one to say goodnight first. “Colby… is everything okay? I mean, with us?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose, hating knowing that she’s hurting and I’m the cause of her pain. “Of course,” I promise her. My throat feels thick, like I can’t get enough air no matter how hard I try. “I’m just really tired. I know it’ll be worth it in the end, but sometimes…”
Sometimes what? Sometimes I wish I had refused to get on the bus this summer? Sometimes I think I should let her go so she can find someone who can be there for her?
“It will be worth it,” she assures me. I close my eyes, imagining her head on my chest, her fingers playing with the ends of my overgrown hair. “We both know this isn’t how it’s always going to be. Get some sleep and I’ll talk to you in the morning.”
“Okay baby, I love you.”
“I love you, too. Don’t you forget that. Ever.” She says the words with such conviction that it lifts a little of the heaviness I feel, but not enough. It’ll never be enough until she’s here with me.
I stare at the shadows on the ceiling after we hang up listening to a mix of songs that remind me of the years I’ve had Lea in my life laying quietly beside me. If I had a place of my own, I’d be sitting in the living room with my guitar, trying to find a way to purge this shit out of my mind and make something useful of it.
The beam of headlights pass across the ceiling as Aaron comes home from a late night at the bar. He should be home in bed with Rebecca and I should be the one pulling into the driveway. All around me, lives are being disrupted to accommodate my dreams and that doesn’t settle well with me. Lea’s not the same now that I’m gone, my absence dimming her normally vibrant personality. Aaron’s working long hours, dragging himself into the house in the early hours of the morning, just to be up again a few hours later so he can at least spend a few minutes with the kids before they head off to school. And Rebecca’s basically living her life as a single mother, yet again, trying to hold everything together at home and in the office. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if Lea’s right. Is it really worth all of this? What happens to my life if I don’t make it and I lose everyone once they realize their sacrifices were all for nothing?
Knuckles rap against my bedroom door, letting me know Aaron’s not fooled by the lack of light streaming across the floor. I slide out of bed and reach for a pair of jeans slung over a chair, heading downstairs for a nightcap with the man who I’ve grown to love like an older brother.
He’s sitting on the deck, staring up at the stars by the time I hit the bottom step. It’s too fucking cold to be out here without a shirt, but I don’t bitch because I’m the dumbass who didn’t bother to put one on. This is where we always wind up. It’s the only place we can talk without worrying about our voices carrying and waking up one of the kids.
“How’s it going?” Aaron asks, taking a draw off his beer.
“You know, spent half the day wondering why I even bother and the other half trying to prove to myself that I can do it.”
“Finally get to talk to Lea?” The way he asks, I’m sure he already knows the answer. I must have really sounded like shit tonight if she got in touch with Aaron after we hung up.
“Yep.”
“You plan on getting your head of your ass any time soon?” He sets the now empty bottle down on the table between us, swinging his legs over the side of the lounger so he’s looking directly at me. “Because if you don’t, you’re going to wind up pushing her away and I’m pretty sure you don’t want to do that.”
Ouch. Talk about a dose of tough love. “Fuck no, that’s why I had to get off the phone with her tonight, man. Shit’s so messed up right now and I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to her. She wants to come down right before I leave, but I know her mom will lay a guilt trip on her and her dad will say how disappointed he is that she’s bailing on them for me. It wouldn’t be the first time they’ve done it. And honestly, I don’t want her to visit me.”
“What the fuck? I thought things were good, what’s that all about?” Aaron shakes his head in disbelief. Great, now he’s pissed off at me, but that’s only because I suck at saying what I mean sometimes, unless it’s in a song.
“No, nothing like that. I just…” I drain the contents of my beer, grabbing a fresh one for each of us before I continue. “I fucking hate this conjugal visit shit. I want her here with me. All the time. Call me a fucking pussy if you want, but right now I feel like I’m scattering pieces of myself all over the place.”
This isn’t coming out right at all. How am I supposed to explain to him something I’m not even sure I fully understand right now?
“Care to elaborate?” he urges when I don’t say anything for a long time.
“Okay, it’s like this… I left a piece of me back home when I left her. As much as I want to be here and give the music one hundred percent, I don’t have that in me. She’s my only real connection back there.” I stare up at Orion, wishing the hunter could somehow give me strength. It’s a sill
y thing, really, but I know it’s the constellation Lea always seeks out in the night sky. “In a lot of ways, coming to Nashville felt like coming home. It’s like I was supposed to be here.”
“I can see that. But you’re not really leaving here when you get on that bus. You know that, right?” Okay, so maybe Aaron understands what I’m going through better than I thought.
“But in a way I am. Home has never been about a place for me, it’s always been about the people. I know I hid out in my room for a long time, but after Lea was here, I started to see you, Rebecca and the kids as my family. And so a piece of me will be here when I leave, giving me even less to put into what I have to do when I’m on the road.”
“Aww, you really are a girl,” Aaron laughs, tipping his bottle toward me. “That right there sounds like the start of a really cheesy country song. Maybe you need to take a break from writing.”
“Fuck you,” I chuckle, knowing he’s right on all counts. “I just want her here. It’s like it’d be easier then, because all of my family would be in one place and you’d all be here when the bus pulls back into the lot. Does that make any sense?”
“Yep. Have you talked about this shit with Lea?” he asks, crossing the deck to grab the last two beers out of the small refrigerator next to the door.
“That’s the problem. I know she’s not happy up there. I’m afraid that she’d move down here if I asked her to right now.”
“And that’s a problem why?” he asks, confused because I’m telling him that I can’t do the one thing that would seemingly solve my problems.
I spend a long time explaining what Lea’s family is like. How she’s just now starting to see that everything she’s done in her life has been for them. The longer I talk, the more I see the silver lining in my own detached family. As much as I wish they gave a damn about me, at least their distance left me free to chase my dreams.
“I still think you need to talk to her about all this shit, let her make the decision. But I suppose I can see your hesitation. I get along fine with Rebecca’s parents now, but it wasn’t always that way. At first, I felt like I would always be competing with a ghost for their approval.”
“How’d you get past it?” I ask, hoping that maybe he’ll have some sage advice that will help me show the Baker family that Lea and I are good together. If they could see that I only want to make her as happy as she makes me, maybe they’d be less upset about her coming down here.
“I didn’t give up. Every time her dad gave me a look that told me how little he thought of me, I filed it away and figured out a way to prove him wrong.” Aaron places all of our empty bottles into the recycling bin before sliding open the screen door. “You’ll never convince him with your words that this isn’t some crazy dream that’ll never go anywhere. You need to think about her father every night when you get up on that stage and sing your fucking heart out. Eventually, he’ll have to see that you’re worthy, both of your success and his daughter’s heart.”
Long after Aaron leaves me alone on the deck, I find myself promising a cluster of stars that I’ll find a way to put all of my heart and soul into what I’m doing. It’s the only way I can look back on this time in my life without any regret.
Chapter 12
Lea
Be patient with him. He’s going through a lot right now, but I know how much he loves you. I tried to knock some sense into him last night. Book your flight and tell me when you’ll be here. But this time, you’ll have to stay at the house or find a room on your own. Sorry. ~A
I re-read Aaron’s message that was waiting for me this morning when I woke up, hoping he’s right. There’s no way this conversation with my parents is going to go well and I can’t deal with the chasm I felt between Colby and me last night too.
After he abruptly ended our first phone call of the week, I stared at my phone, tears streaming down my face. He claimed he was tired, but I knew it was more than that. I couldn’t help but feel like he doesn’t want me to come and visit, even though he never came right out and said it. I felt like I was going behind his back by calling Aaron, but I didn’t know what else to do. He said he’d find out what was going on and let me know. True to his word, I woke up this morning to see his words of wisdom waiting on my phone.
Taking a few deep breaths, I ready myself to get out of the car and face my parents. They don’t even know Colby and I are dating, although I doubt that it will shock them seeing as we lived together for so long, and now I’m going to tell them I’m going to skip out on Thanksgiving so I can spend it with him instead. They’ve never liked him much and I doubt this is going to do anything to make them see that he’s not the wayward slacker they’ve always thought of him to be.
“Mom?” I call out as I cross the threshold into my childhood home. It’s the first time I’m not greeted with a sense of peace walking through the door. Today, the spicy scent that I’ve always associated with the comforts of home choke me. I’m no longer the girl who bites her tongue if it will upset her parents and that’s going to be hard on all of us.
“In the kitchen,” she responds. I wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans, schooling my features so she can’t see the fear written all over my face the moment I round the corner. Stalling for time, I take my phone out of my purse and send Colby a quick text.
Hope you’re having a good day. I’m getting ready to break the news to mom and dad. I love you.
It’s late afternoon, so it’s unlikely that he has his phone on him, but I feel like he needs to know that I’m doing this for him. For us. When my phone chimes with a response, I can’t hide the smile on my face.
Day is good. Very productive. Remember that I’ll understand if you can’t make it. There will be plenty of these trips in the future—missing one won’t kill either of us. Love you too
“Everything okay, sweetie?” my mom asks, looking from my fallen face to my phone and back. I know he’s trying to make this easier on me, but he’s wrong. Yes, there will be plenty of other tours as long as he keeps impressing everyone he meets, but this is the only first tour he’ll have.
You’re not talking me out of it. I’ve spent twenty-one Thanksgivings with them; they can get through one without me.
“Honey?” Her tone is more annoyed now. My parents always complain that I’m on my phone too much, but it’s just another thing they need to get used to. It’s the only means of communication I have with the other half of my life.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I assure her, shoving my phone into the back pocket of my jeans. I drape my purse over the back of a chair before going over to hug my mom, whose hands are covered in flour. From the looks of it, she’s getting a start on her holiday baking early. “Is Daddy home?”
When she tells me he’s not going to be home for a few hours yet, I’m oddly relieved. While it means I’m going to have to tell them separately, I’m hoping that I’ll be able to get my mother to see that this isn’t the end of the world and she’ll be able to help me explain the situation to my dad.
“Sweetie, are you sure everything’s okay? You’re starting to worry me.” She brushes the flour off her hands before taking off her apron. She pours us two cups of coffee and ushers me out to the sunroom. “Tell me what’s going on with you lately. You haven’t been coming home and I know it’s not because school is too far away.”
I laugh because she wouldn’t make comments like that, if she knew the thoughts that keep me up at night. “Mom, you remember Colby, right?”
She nods, her brows knit tightly in confusion.
“Well, we’ve been dating since this summer,” I say, figuring it’s best to start at the beginning. Otherwise, none of the rest of this will make any sense to her.
My mother lets out an audible gasp, hands flying up to her mouth. Not the reaction I was hoping for. She’s never been a fan of his, but it’s not like I just told her I’m dating a fugitive on the most-wanted list or anything like that. “Oh, my God! Please tell me you’re not pregnant. And where is that
boy? Why isn’t he here with you to tell me this?”
I cover my own mouth to hide laughter. With any luck, the truth won’t be quite as upsetting to her. I shake my head fervently as I try to catch my breath. “No Mom, it’s nothing like that. Jesus, you know I wouldn’t do anything as irresponsible as getting knocked up when I’m not married.”
My mom blanches at that statement and I feel bad. She and my father tried to convince everyone that I was a honeymoon baby, but anyone who can do math quickly realized that she was pregnant when they exchanged vows. I think it’s a part of why they’ve always been so hard on me, pushing me to take the steps in life in order, discouraging me from even dating before I graduate from college. It couldn’t have been easy for them to worry about starting a family while they were still in school. But sooner or later, they’re going to have to realize that I can’t live my life trying to make up for the missteps in theirs.
“Sorry,” I say, cringing. Mom pats my knee, assuring me she understands while apologizing for her accusation. “Anyway, he’s not here because he’s in Nashville.”
“I’m not sure I follow. You said you’ve been together since this summer. How does that work if he’s down there and you’re in school?” For only being forty-two, my mother amazes me sometimes with how out of touch she is with the world we live in.
I explain how we started dating, leaving out certain key points including me being accidentally drugged at a party and waking up with him in my bed the next morning, figuring she wouldn’t hear anything after that. When I tell her that I’m the one who pushed him to go to Nashville so neither of us would have any regrets down the road, her chest puffed out like it was a sign of how well she did raising me.
She’s much less pleased when I tell her about the week I spent down there with him during fall break. I pretend to ignore her questions about how I afforded the airfare, figuring she wouldn’t be pleased that I let someone else pay my way, choosing instead to move forward to Colby being offered a small recording deal and the upcoming tour.
Dare to Dream (Truth or Dare #2) Page 9
