Some might have said I was suicidally depressed. Or at the very least, unhinged.
There was one redeeming thought that kept me barely tethered to life. Although I’d lost my identity, I’d found my soul mate. Someday, when everything was worked out, and my husband had a girlfriend of his own, and our kids were grown, Verena and I would live in a bougainvilleacovered cottage overlooking the Mediterranean. (We wouldn’t keep any sharp objects in the house.) The grandkids would visit us frequently and our lives would be full of love and laughter and family.
Then.
Verena told me she was thinking about taking a solo road trip in order to wrap her mind around our “non-relationship” because what we had wasn’t real. News to me. What we had was the one true thing in my life. I was sure her need to get away grew out of my need to loathe myself. I would have wanted to get away from me too, given the mess I’d become.
She was gone for a few weeks, incommunicado. My cells ached for her. I had blond chunk highlights dyed into my dark brown hair. I got an ear cartilage piercing at Tattoo Asylum in Venice. I even leased a red Jeep Wrangler, yet still couldn’t settle into my own skin without her in my zip code.
When she finally returned to Los Angeles, glass shard in the hand I longed to hold, she informed me she’d ended up connecting with the red rocks in Utah and had found her place in nature.
I was thrilled for us. “That’s great, Verena. When can we go see them together?”
But wait. There was more “really exciting” news. “I’ve bought a house there.”
“Where?”
“In Utah.”
“What??”
“I’m going to move there.”
“Where?”
“To Utah. With Tory.”
“What?”
“I’m going to move to Utah with Tory. You can come visit us, if you want.”
“Us?”
They packed their cars and left the next week.
Yes they did. Just like that.
Then there I was; whoever that was. Sliced wide open and left for dead. While Verena was in Utah holding Tory’s hand looking at the red rocks, I was in the wake of the storm holding a mirror looking at a stranger. The woman I saw was tired and scared, yet remarkably athletic for her age. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her and wanted to know more.
That’s where the story really begins.
Epilogue
Jennifer Baumgardner
Now that you are done reading, I want to talk to you about why you picked up this book in the first place. I imagine you may have gotten it in order to support or understand a loved one who has a story similar to those found in Dear John, I Love Jane. Or, more likely, you are living a story similar to those found in Dear John, I Love Jane and sought out this book to learn that you are not alone. Far from alone, in fact.
I could have used a book like this when I was twenty-three, when I fell in love with a woman for the first time. After heterosexual relationships throughout high school and college, I was surprised, thrilled, and freaked out by a radical shift in the direction of my affections. There were all the typical signs leading up to my change, I suppose—way too much interest in the lesbians at my office, obsessive listening to Ani DiFranco, contriving ways to drunkenly make out with friends but have it not “mean” anything. But this new love affair came saddled with associations that felt unfamiliar and itchy to me. Was I now a lesbian? Had I always been gay but was just too homophobic or repressed or out of touch with myself to understand my sapphic ways? I was in love but scared; the relationship was glorious and disturbing. I, like the first essayist in this book, searched online for the whereabouts of old beaus to remind myself of who I was or am.
I was devastated (yet relieved) when that first relationship broke up and soon found myself with a guy—a writer, like me, who was funny and sad and, whew, a guy. But that scary, exciting question (“Am I a . . . ?”) was still burning in me and, so, not so long after meeting the guy, I met a girl. Correction: I met a great, sexy, strong, passionate, talented, ethical, amazing, and irresistible woman. I left him for her.
I recognized my story in these essays: in the tales of having sex with a woman for the first time, how great it feels to be making it all up, how disorienting it is to have a new identity (lesbian) descend on you like a Civil War costume. If you’re unsure that the new identity fits, you wonder if you’re just scared, or you are, in fact, on to something?
The beauty of these stories is how clearly they demonstrate that working through those types of questions is part of the journey. And it is a particularly significant journey for a female in this society. Falling in love with a woman, as a woman, is deeply linked to feminist endeavors. By that I do not mean that you are a better feminist if you are gay or bisexual, but that falling in love with a woman enables you to overcome, and perhaps heal from, some of the worst wounds of patriarchy. It challenges the voice that says women’s bodies are disgusting, the sexual persona that is passive or must be desired rather than desire, and provides an avenue to sexual pleasure for the body that has been exploited or violated. Falling in love with a woman can free you from the trap of reflected glory—if you once saw yourself as valuable because you landed a certain kind of man, this new state of affairs forces you to derive your sense of worth from yourself.
While I see political energy all over these stories, the dominant power in this book is love. You read the word over and over on these pages. These stories are not just about finding that perfect person to love, but finding yourself and loving her. It’s being connected to something between women; feeling that you are on the side of all of the women who ever wanted something more and who wanted to be bigger or different than the narrow silhouette of traditional womanhood. It’s chafing against the idea that women could only love or be loved in a certain way and proving that assumption dead wrong.
These stories speak to change. In my own life, the rich relationships with women came in the middle of my life story. I now live with a man and have two sons. My life continues to grow and I labor to remain alert to my desires and not fear change. I’m not always successful, but stories like these help me remember that love—especially loving ourselves—is bigger than our fears.
Bios
Jennifer Baumgardner
Jennifer Baumgardner is the co-author (with Amy Richards) of Manifesta: Young Women, Feminism, and the Future (Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2000) and Grassroots: A Field Guide for Feminist Activism (Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2004). She is the author of Look Both Ways: Bisexual Politics (Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2008) and Abortion & Life (Akashic Books, 2008) and the producer of the 2005 film I Had an Abortion. A co-owner of the feminist speakers’ bureau Soapbox, Inc., Jennifer also teaches writing at the New School and writes for magazines such as Glamour, The Advocate, and Bitch. She is currently working on a film and advocacy project about rape, and a book of essays about feminism. Originally from Fargo, North Dakota, Jennifer now lives in New York City with her two sons, Skuli and Magnus, and her boyfriend, BD.
Trish Bendix
Trish Bendix lives in Chicago, where she is the blog editor of MTV & Logo’s AfterEllen.com, a site about lesbian and bisexual women in media and entertainment. She has also written for Bitch, Time Out Chicago, OUT, Gay.com, and The Village Voice. Find out more about her at www.trishbendix.com.
Audrey Bilger
Audrey Bilger teaches literature, gender studies, and yoga at the Claremont Colleges. She is the author of Laughing Feminism: Subversive Comedy in Frances Burney, Maria Edgeworth, and Jane Austen (Wayne State University Press, 1998), and editor of Jane Collier’s 1753 Essay on the Art of Ingeniously Tormenting for Broadview Literary Texts (2003). She is a regular contributor to Bitch: Feminist Response to Pop Culture, and her work has appeared in The Paris Review, Los Angeles Times, and ROCKRGRL.
Katherine A. Briccetti
Katherine Briccetti’s first book, Blood Strangers: A Memoir, from which “Wedding Gown Closet” was excerpted, is
available from Heyday Books. Her work has appeared in literary journals, magazines, and in several anthologies, aired on public radio, and was nominated for a Pushcart Prize. She was awarded a residency at the Vermont Studio Center and is at work on a second memoir, A Buswoman’s Holiday, about working with children on the autism spectrum while raising a son with Asperger’s Syndrome. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and can be reached through her website: www.kathybriccetti.com.
Aprille Cochrane
Aprille Cochrane currently resides on the West Coast. She has a successful career in education. Her critically reviewed work has been published on multiple websites. She has published a collection of poetry, Poems from the Girl Next Door: Imaginations, Illusions, and Images (BookSurge Publishing, 2007), and is working on her second book of erotica.
Ruth Davies
Ruth Davies lives in Brisbane, Australia, with her partner and cat. Her teenage sons share their time between her house and their father’s, just down the road. In her day job, she works for a research organization, editing reports and trying to convince scientists that they, too, can learn to appreciate the finer points of hyphenation trends. Nighttime finds her dabbling in speculative fiction (both the reading and writing thereof), post-graduate study, and various amateur arts activities. She is hoping to learn how to build phrases like Neil Gaiman, paragraphs like Hilary Mantel, and plots like Sarah Waters.
Kami Day
Dr. Kami Day is a retired college composition professor, partner, mother, grandmother, and queer activist. After her twenty-three-year traditional marriage ended, she entered graduate school, where she met her partner, Michele. They have shared their lives for sixteen years, and together have written and published an academic book and several articles and book chapters. They now live in Norman, Oklahoma, where Michele is on the OU faculty, and Kami fills her days with writing, reading, cooking, volunteering with a veteran’s organization, and finding ways to raise awareness about LGBTQ lives and issues.
Lisa M. Diamond
Dr. Lisa M. Diamond is Associate Professor of Psychology and Gender Studies at the University of Utah. Dr. Diamond is an internationally recognized expert on female sexuality and specifically on female sexual fluidity, which describes the phenomenon of women periodically developing attractions and relationships that run counter to their overall sexual orientation. Dr. Diamond is best known for her unprecedented fifteen-year longitudinal study of one hundred lesbian, bisexual, heterosexual, and “unlabeled” women. Her 2008 book, Sexual Fluidity, published by Harvard University Press, describes the changes these women underwent in their sexual identities, attractions, and behaviors, and has been awarded the Independent Publishers Book Award and the Distinguished Book award from the American Psychological Association’s Society for the Study of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Issues. Dr. Diamond has received numerous other awards for her work from the American Association of University Women, the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, the Society for the Psychological Study of Social Issues, and the American Psychological Association.
Holly Edwards
Holly Edwards has previously written for The Skinny, a Scottish lifestyle magazine, and The Sofia Echo, the English language newspaper in Bulgaria. She lives in Westcliffe-On-Sea, Great Britain, with her wonderful girlfriend, where she enjoys baking and eating baked goods.
Vanessa Fernando
Vanessa Fernando is a writer and many other things, too. Born and raised in Vancouver, Vanessa is currently working toward a degree in History and Gender Studies at McGill University in Montreal. She is grateful for her family (both biological and chosen).
Susan Grier
Susan Grier’s work has appeared in Maryland Magazine, the Charlotte Observer, and the 2006, 2008, and 2009 editions of Women Writers Read, a publication of St. Mary’s College of Maryland. Her essays have also been published in several anthologies, including Trans Forming Families: Real Stories About Transgendered Loved Ones (Oak Knoll Press, 2003) and Thanksgiving to Christmas: A Patchwork of Stories (AWOC.COM, 2009). She earned an MFA from The University of Southern Maine/Stonecoast and is writing a memoir about growing up Southern, raising a transgender child, and discovering her inner lesbian at age fifty-one. She lives in St. Mary’s City, Maryland, and works as an editor.
Micki Grimland
Micki Grimland, LCSW-ACP, is deliciously and delightfully married to Sharon DePierri and has three cherished daughters and one precious son-in-law. They live in the suburbs of Houston, expanding consciousness of the suburban white picket fence society. Micki loves rock climbing, nature, the arts, having conversations, and enjoys exploring the intersection of spirituality and psychology. She is a therapist in private practice for thirty years and helps people along the path of full personal actualization. Her family appeared on Oprah on a show about coming out in mid-life, she is frequently on the Great Day Houston show, and is a mental health consultant with Channel 11 and 13 in Houston, Texas. Her life will be summed up on her epitaph by this quote: “She sucked the marrow out of life!”
Crystal Hooper
A Pennsylvania native, Crystal Hooper moved to Nashville, Tennessee, after graduation hoping to find her place in the country music industry. Ten years later, still looking for that place, Crystal found herself on an unexpected back road that would change her course of direction. In processing the pain, guilt, and fear she felt in falling for another woman, Crystal found that love and personal growth overrides the perception of success. Crystal is currently in a committed lesbian relationship, and with her ex-husband, they are all raising their six-year-old daughter together in a loving and peaceful environment.
Lori Horvitz
Lori Horvitz’s short stories, poetry, and personal essays have appeared in a variety of literary journals and anthologies, including The Southeast Review, Hotel Amerika, 13th Moon, The Dos Passos Review, Quarter After Eight, and P.S.: What I Didn’t Say (Seal Press, 2009). She has been awarded writing fellowships from The Ragdale Foundation, Yaddo, Cottages at Hedgebrook, Virginia Center for the Creative Arts, and Blue Mountain Center. A native New Yorker, Lori now makes her home in North Carolina, where she is an Associate Professor of Literature and Language at UNC-Asheville.
Jeanette LeBlanc
Jeanette LeBlanc is a photographer, writer, poet, and dreamer. She regularly consumes ridiculous amounts of dark chocolate, craves the sound of crashing waves, and wishes people would stop putting mushrooms on pizza. She has a love affair with words (all of them, especially the bad ones) and is inspired by the intersection of shadows and light. Hopelessly idealistic and impossibly pragmatic, Jeanette fully believes that she will one day earn a very good living with her camera and her writing. In the event that Plan A doesn’t work out, she is willing to settle for a huge lottery win, or the generosity of a very rich benefactor. Either way, she has no intention of being a starving artist. Jeanette lives in Phoenix, Arizona, with her girlfriend and three delightfully unruly children. Jeanette writes about life at www.peacelovefree.com, and chronicles her coming out journey at www.awakeningsblog.com.
Erin Mantz
Since her childhood days touting pigtails and well-pronounced ad copy while auditioning for TV commercials, Erin understood the power of communication. Today, Erin’s articles have appeared in the New York Post, Washington Parent Magazine, Tango magazine, and more. Erin authored Dads, Teach Your Child (Ages 2-6) About Computers (WonderDads Publishing, 2008). She has also built her career in communications for major corporations in the Washington, DC, area. Erin grew up in Chicago and attended Ithaca College in New York. She resides in Potomac, Maryland with her partner, two sons, two “stepsons,” and two dogs. Her published clips are on www.erinmantz.com.
Meredith Maran
Meredith Maran (www.meredithmaran.com) is an award-winning journalist and the author of several best-selling nonfiction books, including Dirty (HarperOne, 2003), Class Dismissed (St. Martin’s Griffin, 2000), Notes from an Incomplete Revolution (Bantam, 1997), an
d What It’s Like to Live Now (Bantam, 1995). Her work appears regularly in anthologies, newspapers, and magazines. The mother of two grown sons, she lives with her wife in Oakland, California. Her next book, My Lie: A True Story of False Memory, was published by Jossey-Bass in September 2010.
Veronica Masen
New York native Veronica Masen is a self-employed costume designer, mother of two, dog lover, and avid gardener. She is a voracious reader, devouring everything from chick-lit to the classics, and writes fiction, poetry, and screenplays in her spare time. This is her first published piece.
Amanda V. Mead
Amanda V. Mead is a writer and teacher in Washington state, where she lives with her partner and their dog and cat. She is currently working towards her MFA in poetry at the Inland Northwest Center for Writers of Eastern Washington University. Amanda is an assistant poetry editor for Willow Springs literary arts journal. Her poetry has been published in Opsis Literary Journal and Read This: Montana State University’s Literature and Arts Publication. She is also a political activist for LGBT causes, and works with LGBT youth in the Spokane area.
Libbie Miller
Libbie Miller’s life was not particularly interesting until she finally came out to her husband of ten years. It was then that she decided she had a story worth sharing. She’s now engaged to be married to her best friend, who not only rivals her Converse collection, but is equally neurotic (in a cute, When Harry Met Sally kind of way). When she’s not at her day job churning out corporate copy, she’s concert hopping with her fiancée, learning to play more than two chords on her guitar, or hanging out with her four animals in Phoenix, Arizona.
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