They managed to avoid any meaningful conversation until they had polished off large bowls of hearty soup made from last season’s potatoes and leeks, some rustic brown bread and hard cheese, and warm cider. Well satisfied, Xaarus leaned back and sighed. “I was worried about your well-being here, Tvrdik, but you seem to manage well enough for yourself. This house is sturdy and comfortable, and you’ve learned to grow food for yourself. How did you manage the bread and cheese?”
Tvrdik took the compliment with humility. “Every now and then I make the trek to the nearest village and trade for a few things I need: flour, sugar, cheese, cider, occasionally tools, books when I can find any.” At the mention of books, the young man unconsciously fingered his spectacles, re-adjusting them on the bridge of his nose. Xaarus flashed back to a memory of grinding those lenses himself when it had become clear that the boy’s eyes were weak. Helpful appliances like glasses were not common in the kingdom then, but there were advantages to being a wizard, and having access to the knowledge of many times and places. Xaarus was pleased to see they still seemed to be useful to his young pupil. Drifting back to the present moment, he realized Tvrdik was still talking. “Sometimes I do odd jobs or bring herbs to sell. Or I mix a few potions for the sick and injured. I have done a bit of simple healing now and then. I suppose you would be happy to know I retained something of your teaching from the old days. At any rate, the people know me and are kind enough. Mostly, they leave me alone.”
“As you prefer it?”
“As I prefer it.”
A pregnant silence hung in the air between them, heavy with tales untold and explanations withheld. Tvrdik, as the junior member, decided to break the ice. He stood and snatched up a stick to stir the fire, his back to Xaarus as he spoke.
“After Ailianne and Benjin were…were…after they died, I nearly lost my mind with grief. I felt so lost and helpless. The shock of it was…well…horrible. The only thing I could think of to do was to throw myself into my studies, to work harder. I think…I think I foolishly must have believed there was some way I could bring them back if I learned enough. I was young and shallow. I never considered what you must have been going through as well. You seemed to me pre-occupied and distant. I felt very alone. And then, barely a month later, you just vanished! I was bewildered. At first I thought you must be ill, or engrossed in some important project or another. I waited for you to return, but heard nothing from you. As the weeks passed, I began to be alarmed, and went looking for you. I searched your rooms, your workshop, your favorite teaching places, even the palace itself. There was no sign you had even been to any of them in ages. I screwed up my courage and asked around. No one had seen you; no one spoken to you. No one could think of anything you had said or done or written to predict this sudden absence. Soon after, I think the king, in great alarm, ordered a kingdom-wide search, and everyone was talking about your disappearance in hushed tones and wondering if you had come to harm. But by then, I had reached another conclusion.”
Tvrdik paused to put down his makeshift poker and sat on a free bench, his gaze on some far-off time and place. “I had become convinced that you were testing me somehow – that I was supposed to find you, or that you would contact me in some cryptic riddle or another that I would have to unravel to discover where you were hiding. I pored over my books, my notes – went over everything you had ever told me in my head a thousand times. I tried to fit in with the castle folk, but you had kept us so isolated that I did not really know anyone, and they didn’t know what to make of me. I couldn’t go back to my home; there would be no welcome there for me any longer. As the months dragged on and there was still no word of you, I think I started to vanish myself, bit by bit. One day, I threw a few things in a bag and just walked away. And kept walking. I had no destination, no purpose in mind. I don’t even really have any clear memories of that time…how I survived, who I met, places I passed through…it’s all a blur. I lived inside my head and replayed the events of the year before, again and again, wondering if somehow it had been all my fault, and if this purgatory of a life were my punishment. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and sinking further into despair, even madness. I guess I began to avoid the company of people, or they began to avoid me. I cannot tell. But at some point I wandered into these woods. I walked far and wide through the forests, barely keeping myself alive, and hardly noticing my surroundings. It is a miracle I did not end up a meal for some bear or pack of wolves in those days.
“One day, I chanced upon that waterfall you must have passed just around the bend up there, and I stopped. It was so beautiful, so soothing, so perfect…. I just stood there staring at it for hours, drinking in the sound, the cool spray on my face, the rainbows and diamonds of light, the scent of honeysuckle. It was spring then too, I remember – a time of new beginnings and awakenings. It all seemed so idyllic, that for the first time I began to relax and let the heavy burdens and inner demons I had carried so far fall away and dissolve in those deep pools below. For the first time in months, I began to feel peace.”
Tvrdik stole a glance at Xaarus, who sat with eyes closed and head bowed, then continued his narrative, “I took off my clothes and clambered up the rocks, to the top. I found a flat stone to stand on and stood listening to the roar below. I raised my arms high, closed my eyes, and leapt into the falls. I was certain I would be drowned in the turbulent waters or dashed on the rocks, but it seemed a brief inconvenience to be suffered so that I could either join my lost friends, or else simply cease to be. I am not proud of this, mind you, but at the time I was so lost that it seemed logical – an obvious solution, a good way to stop the pain, and a fine place to end my miserable, brief life.”
There was a long pause, as the young man relived for a moment all the feelings he was recounting in such detail. Twelve years had not dulled their sharpness a bit. After a few minutes had passed, Tvrdik seemed to return to the present. “I woke up cold and hungry, lying sprawled on the far bank of the pool, sore but unharmed. I had no idea how I had survived the ordeal, or how I had come to be out of the water. Nor how long I had been lying there unconscious. But I took it as a sign that whatever gods there were meant for me to live after all. And if I was going to live, I thought, then I had better be about the business of it.
“The rest is not so interesting. It seemed as good a place as any to set down roots. I found this clearing, and set about building shelter. It took me the better part of a year, but as you say, it is comfortable and suits me. Plenty of water for bathing and drinking. The woods have been most generous to me, and fortune as well. I have learned to do a good many things that before I would not have imagined myself attempting. I make it a policy not to harm the creatures that live here or to disturb anything more than necessary. It is peaceful and remote, and the chores of survival keep me busy. For the most part, people leave me alone and I get by. It has been a good life for the last eleven years.”
“Has it?” Xaarus finally responded to the heartbreaking narrative he had just heard.
Tvrdik shrugged, moving to clear the plates. “My needs are few. It is a beautiful, quiet place. I am content.”
“And do you never feel called, or driven, to a higher purpose? Do you never dream of fulfilling a bigger destiny?”
The young man frowned. “I thought once that I was part of something grand and important. Now it all seems a distant dream, an illusion. I am no one of importance. My absence has gone unnoticed, and will not in the slightest affect the great tapestry of history.”
Now it was Xaarus’ turn to frown. “And are you never lonely here, away from your own kind?”
Tvrdik met the old man’s gaze evenly, and answered in quiet tones, “Who is there left of my kind? I am alone, if I say it or not. And what did relationships ever bring me in any case but pain and despair?”
Xaaarus leaned toward him and spoke low, “You loved her?”
“I…how could I know t
hat? I was young; we were friends. She was the brightest star in my heavens then, so luminous I dared not even reach. And we were all of a kind then, all glorying in finding each other and our power. And you were there…” Tvrdik trailed off, looking at the floor. Then, in a small voice, lips stretched taut and thin, he finished his thought, “It is better to be comfortable with one’s own company, and not to invite such suffering into one’s life again.”
“Tvrdik,” Xaarus began, choosing his words with care, “what happened to Benjin and Ailianne was a terrible tragedy. But you must know they brought it on themselves. I say this not to speak ill of our departed comrades, but so that you might know for certain that you had no part whatever in what happened.”
“I might have tried to stop them.”
“I do not think you would have succeeded. You remember, as your teacher, how many times did I warn you of the dangers of dabbling in arts you did not understand or had not yet mastered? Did I never caution you about dark sorceries that promised much, but came with a high price?”
“You told us often, Master.”
“And if they refused to listen to me, what makes you think they would have taken counsel from you? Tvrdik, when you knew what they were about, why did you not go with them on that night?”
The pale young man’s face twisted in torment. “I was afraid!” he blurted out, wrenching his spectacles from his face. Then, in a hoarse whisper, “I was afraid.”
“And good for you that you were, my son. There are many things in this universe of which we should be afraid, and chief among them is ignorance, especially combined with haste, and lust. Did you also wish for the powers they thought to conjure?”
Tvrdik’s hands were holding his head as if it were about to explode. “No! No – I did not understand why they were doing what they were, why it was so important to them. I did not know how they could wish to defy you. I only wanted to learn everything I could. I wanted to be able to help people…”
“There it is.” Xaarus sighed, “You were always my best pupil, son.”
The younger man looked up, startled. “I? Your best pupil? How can you say that? Ailianne and Benjin were so bright, so quick. I was slow and plodding, always behind them by leagues – a dullard by comparison. You mock me.”
“Do not mistake me. All of you were gifted, a joy to teach and the pride of my days back then. But you were all different. Those two were always ambitious and clever, always questioning and wanting more. But they never cultivated patience; they never learned to listen deeply. And they missed the very heart of what our profession is about. That, my son, was where you far outstripped them. You took the time to understand the ‘whys’ behind ‘hows,’ and made them a part of yourself.”
Tvrdik shook his golden head. “I do not understand…”
“You will one day. You are a gifted and talented wizard, more powerful than you could ever imagine. But your gifts are tempered with an innate wisdom, and a great deal of compassion.”
“I am no wizard at all.”
“My son, your classmates were young and foolish. They chased after power and wealth, and it led them to lay their hands on something they could not handle. They paid the ultimate price. But they also did not consider the probable consequences to you, or to me, or others they might have injured in the process. Perhaps with time, and maturity, they might have changed, become the kind of people worthy of the gifts they had inherited and the knowledge given them. We will never know now. But it is also possible that the poor judgment they displayed that night was a serious flaw that might have been part of their nature always. You, Tvrdik, do not share that flaw.”
Tvrdik raised a hand in a gesture of impatience, “Have you come here now, after all this time, to torture me with ghosts and painful memories I thought I had laid to rest long ago?”
Xaarus’ eyebrows arched. “Why, I’ve come to complete your education. There is so much that I have yet to teach you.”
There was a long silence. At last, the young man spoke. “That book was closed years ago. I have locked it away and the key is lost forever.”
“Not lost, Tvrdik. I can help you find yourself again…”
“I and myself are quite content to be just what we are, and have been for twelve years, thank you very much. All the rest is just a page from a past I barely remember.”
“Tvrdik, you must listen to me. Time is passing and there is great need. There is work for you out in the world.”
“I know nothing of the world. Leave it to the king and the court, and all those who play important roles.”
“The king and queen are dead – perished at sea in a terrible accident. Their only child, the rightful heir to the Crown, is but an infant, and there are those who would wrest the throne from him for their own dark purposes. There is a regent and a good council at Theriole to handle affairs of state, but they are besieged on all sides. They will soon be preparing for war. Tvrdik, the world you walked out of was peaceful and prosperous, but the storm clouds are fast gathering. The kingdom badly needs help…”
“Then you must give it, old man, for I have none to offer. I am neither warrior, nor courtier, nor scholar. After all these years, why do you come to me with this story? I, who know nothing but digging stones, chopping wood, and carrying water? You are a great mage – the Court Wizard ! You left them to face these dire circumstances years ago. Why do you not go to them now and put things in order? Why are you wasting valuable time in this place with a hermit?”
Xaarus rose from his makeshift chair, his tall frame slightly bent beneath the low ceiling, and paced away from the hearth. “Tvrdik, listen to me. My time is very short. I will not be here to join forces with those who are working to save the kingdom. Trust me, I would give a great deal to be able to offer assistance to those good folk, but it is simply not possible. And the stakes are much higher than you could even imagine.”
“What are you saying?’
“I promised to tell you where I had been these long years, and why I left you alone.” Xaarus issued a long sigh. “I think it is my turn to tell you a story. I pray you will believe it. When Benjin and Ailianne perished, I was as distraught as you. Perhaps moreso, if that is possible. As their teacher and mentor, I was responsible for them. I had cared for them and had high hopes for them. And how do you think it made me feel to know that I could not even keep them safe from their own folly? Like you, I thought there might be a way to undo what was done – to pluck them back from the edge of disaster. I was desperate to find it. What you did not know was that I had already been studying and experimenting in time travel. My son, on higher planes than ours, there is no such thing as time, as we know it. In theory, one should be able to transcend the bondage of linear time, and then control at what point one might re-enter the time-line. I had been researching the subject for years, and had made some promising breakthroughs on a minor level. But after the tragedy, I became obsessed with the idea that if I could just leap back before the accident, I could use every means at my disposal to prevent it from ever happening, saving Benjin and Ailianne from themselves.
“I was arrogant enough to believe I was close to success, but I knew there was a limited window within which my powers would be effective. With each passing day, we moved further from the event, and from the possibility of reversing it. If you found me distant and unresponsive in those days, I deeply regret it. In fact, had I been wise enough to pay attention to your needs at the time, things might have happened in a very different way….but, never mind. All is in the hands of a Higher Force anyway, and as you will see, there is a larger plan in play. At any rate, I was consumed with the desire to succeed in my quest – forgot sleep and food, friends, teaching, and recreation. I lost perspective, and in my desperation and haste, I fell prey to the very errors in judgment that had been the undoing of my pupils. I rushed my work forward with neither wisdom nor caution, and then, one night, just a month aft
er Benjin and Ailianne’s disappearance, I attempted the leap.
“I had made a foolish error in calculations, and somehow, instead of moving a short distance into the past, I found myself catapulted far, far into the future. And, of course, as you might guess, the doorway I had created disintegrated behind me, beyond recall. When I came to my senses, I realized the grave consequences of my pride and rashness. I was trapped in a strange time and place, without my books or my equipment, without friend or sustenance. I thought of those I had left behind without a word of explanation, you foremost among them. And I must tell you, Tvrdik, no man could have condemned himself more harshly or suffered more remorse than I at what I had done. From your perspective, I realized, I had just disappeared. And I was trapped – no way to return or even to get a message to you.”
Tvrdik had been following the tale with rapt attention and growing amazement. “But, Master,” he breathed, “however did you survive?”
Xaarus allowed a little crooked smile. “By my wits, boy, much as you have done. Men are still men, even in the future, and I am not without resources. I keep a low profile and support myself in various ways, as I may, and I observe. But you must believe me that almost from my arrival there, all my intention and skill, and every scrap of intellect I could muster has been bent on finding my way back to you to make amends for my error. Twelve years I have worked without respite to bend time to my will, so that I might come home…”
“But, if you are here now, it must mean that you have triumphed. Master, this is a feat of great wonder!”
“I have not triumphed,” Xaarus replied bitterly, “I have failed.”
“But…”
“Only by bending every ounce of skill, energy, and power at my disposal toward my intent, have I been able to temporarily stretch the timeline back like a bowstring. But you cannot conceive the effort required to remain intact, physical and present in this moment. In fact there are instances even now when I lose my concentration and am pulled back to the future, where I am still chained…”
The Last Wizard of Eneri Clare Page 3
