I went to grief counseling when Jared first died. I told my counselor about Max. She asked me, “Does he make you happy?” The answer is yes, but do I deserve to be happy because of another man? She asked me if being sad was going to bring Jared back. When I told her no, she smiled and said, “There’s your answer.”
I’ve been working on believing that for months now, but every time I think I’m ready to talk to Max about it, something stops me. We get interrupted, or Max does something to put a wedge between us. It’s almost like he’s determined to only be friends with me.
ooooooooo
Max
Today has been crazy. Micah has been trying to get the fields ready for spring planting, and this morning he came storming into my office demanding that I help him fix the tractor. I don’t even know what he did yesterday, but it won’t crank, and nothing I’ve done to try and fix it is working.
“Try that,” I called as he sat in his usual spot atop the seat. I don’t know why I always seem to be the one doing the grunt work. Micah turned the key. The engine started to turn over, and then it stopped with a loud pop. “What did you do?” I grumbled as I wiped my forehead with the rag that was in my hand. I looked like I’d taken a bath in a tub of grease.
“Why do you think I did something?” He scowled.
“Because you’re good at breaking things.” I shot him a glare. “I think you have a bad seal here. Air’s getting in where it shouldn’t.”
“So what now?” He climbed down and crossed his arms over his chest.
“You go buy a new a seal, or you drive the other tractor.” I shrugged as I rolled my eyes. “I have to finish balancing out that order, and then I’m grabbing some lunch for Hailey.”
As I was leaving the barn Micah called out, “Hailey, huh? Is this a private lunch?”
I didn’t even turn around. If I did, I would just be inviting him into the conversation, and this was one I was tired of having.
ooooooooo
After cleaning up as best I could, I headed into Mama’s kitchen. I’d gotten my own place since moving back full time, but Mama’s kitchen was always stocked. I made two sandwiches, grabbed some chips, a couple of apples, and some water before heading back out to the barn. Hailey had been working in the office today, and I wanted to catch her before she left.
“Hungry?” I stuck my head around the corner to see her studying the computer screen. “I have food.” I stepped the rest of the way in, and she smiled.
“I’m starving, thanks.” She reached for the apple I was holding out. “Why did the order of shelving get cancelled? I need that for the stand.”
“I cancelled it because I’m going to make them. It’s cheaper, and we have a ton of scrap lumber.” I sat down across from her desk, and began placing the items in my arms between us.
“Oh.” She made a little O with her mouth. “Do you have time for that?”
I sighed as I rolled my eyes. “I have more time now than I used to. Stop doubting me.”
“Fine. Give me that sandwich. The baby is hungry.” She reached across the desk and grabbed the wax paper package in front of me.
“Geez, you’re pushy.” I grinned as I leaned back and let her take what she wanted.
“You should never get between a pregnant woman and food.” She sighed as she bit into the turkey sandwich. She had a twinkle in her eye, and the words almost sounded flirtatious.
“I can see that.” I chuckled as I lifted my own sandwich to take a bite. “Do you want mine?” I held it in her direction.
“Max. Don’t be…” She froze as her face went from smiling to wide-eyed.
“What’s wrong?” I set my sandwich down, all playfulness now gone as I watched Hailey begin to panic.
“I’m ok. I’m ok. I’m ok,” she started chanting as she picked up her phone off the desk. “Where’s your truck?”
“Right outside, why?” I pushed back from the desk and started to stand.
“We need to go to the hospital, and I need you to drive me. My water just broke.” She stood, and when she rounded the desk, I could see the large wet spot on her pants.
“Ok. Um, tell me what to do.” I reached for her, and she batted me away.
“Go start the truck. I’m coming,” she barked as she waddled after me. She was the picture of calm. I, on the other hand, was a mess.
Chapter 18
Hailey
At 9:30 pm, Nora Quinn Benton came barreling into the world. It was equally one the happiest and saddest moments of my life. Motherhood was something I’d always wanted, but doing it alone was never part of the plan. This baby was my last hold on the life I’d had with my husband. She had his nose, and my eyes. There wasn’t much hair on her bald little head, but if it came in blonde, she’d have that from him too.
When the nurse handed her to me all swaddled up in a hospital blanket, she blinked up at me, and frowned. I’m guessing she has my attitude. My parents came by that night, and Mama stayed with me. The most poignant moment was when Max came in. He’d rushed me to the hospital, but as soon as my parents arrived, he’d slipped out the door and faded into the background. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it at the time, but now I’m seeing that it was the right move for him. Being here was hard for everyone, and he was trying to give me my space.
Once Jared’s parents had come and gone along with my dad, he finally made his move. I remember hearing the door squeak slightly, and looking up to see him standing there like a little boy waiting for permission to come in. He was still dressed in dirty clothes from his day of working on the tractor, and his hands were clasped in front of him.
“You can come in.” I smiled softly as I shifted the position of my daughter in my arms. It’d only been a few hours and I was exhausted, but I couldn’t put her down. I wanted to hold her forever.
“I didn’t want to intrude.” He smiled softly.
“You’re not. If it wasn’t for you, I might not have gotten here in time.” I yawned. “You wanna hold her?”
“What if I drop her?” He grimaced as fear filled his eyes.
“You won’t. I trust you. Come here.” I motioned him closer and moved over on the bed so he could sit on the edge. The bed dipped under his weight as he lowered himself stiffly beside me. “Here. Just support her head.” I handed my daughter over to the man whom I knew would be very important in her life. I just didn’t know how important at the moment.
“She’s so tiny.” Nora’s eyes opened and she stared wide-eyed up at Max. “Hey,” he grinned at her, “I’m your Uncle Max.” His voice was soft, almost soothing. “You have no idea how happy I am to meet you.” I sniffed and wiped at my eyes as I watched this grown man become so vulnerable in front of me. My daughter was going to have him wrapped around her fingers within hours. “You let your Mama sleep tonight, ok? She worked hard to get you here.”
He slowly stood with my daughter in his arms and walked over to the window in my room. “Where’s your Mama?” he mumbled absently as he rocked Nora in his arms.
“She went to get some food downstairs.” I yawned again.
“Why don’t you rest a little? I’ll keep her company until your Mama gets back.” He leaned closer to Nora. “You’ll take it easy on me, right?” he whispered like he was sharing a secret with her that I wasn’t supposed to hear. “See?” He glanced at me. “Sleep. We’ll be fine.”
I wasn’t sure what to do here. I trusted him, but my motherly instincts were telling me to care for my daughter. My exhaustion won out though and I think I must have drifted off before I was even able to lower my bed to a sleeping position.
I don’t know how I slept as long as I did, but at some point in the middle of the night, I woke up. The bathroom light was on, casting a soft glow into the room. Mama was sitting in a chair beside my bed reading on her tablet. It took me a minute to remember where I was and what all had happened that day, but when it all came back I began to panic. My eyes searched for the bassinet that my daughter should be sleeping in
, and when I saw it was empty, I sprang to a sitting position. My eyes watered as everything below my waist ached, and Mama shifted and grabbed my hand.
“What’s wrong, honey?” She squeezed my fingers to get my attention.
“Nora!” I squeaked.
“Is sleeping.” Her head nodded toward the far corner of the room. There lying on his back on the convertible sofa was Max. My daughter was fast asleep on his chest. They both had this peaceful look on their faces, and the streetlights from outside cast an angelic glow on them. “I didn’t have the heart to wake him, and she seemed happy there. She’s not due to be fed for a little longer. I figured I’d let him sleep until she wakes him.” Mama smiled softly. “You used to sleep on your daddy that way.”
Just those words brought the tears. My baby wouldn’t know her father. She’d never hear him laugh, feel his arms hug her, bounce on his knee, break curfew when she starting dating, learn to drive… there were so many things that Jared and Nora would miss together.
“I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong. That man is already smitten with that little girl, and no matter the relation I can tell you that he’s gonna be there for her. He’ll be a father figure and whatever else you need him to be. Just trust him.” She stood and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Sleep, baby. I’ll wake you when she needs to be fed.” As a few more tears leaked from my eyes, I let them drift shut, but not before glancing one last time at the two people on the couch. One was already the most important person in my life, and the other soon would be too.
ooooooooo
It’s been four months since Nora was born, but seems like minutes. When I first came back to my apartment with her, I wasn’t sure what to do. She’s a good baby. She started sleeping through the night at eight weeks old, and she really doesn’t cry unless she needs something. I try not to tell people that very often because I don’t want to jinx myself.
The first couple of nights that I was home, Mama stayed with me. She said she knew I’d be fine, but she wanted to make sure that I knew it too. I have to admit, having her here made a huge difference. I didn’t really have to ask for her help on anything, but just knowing that she was right here made me feel so much better.
After she went back home, Max started coming over. He never stayed the night, but he’d stayed all day for about a week. He helped with the things that weren’t baby related so I could concentrate on Nora. He did things like cook, clean the apartment, and do the laundry. He joked one day that Nora wore more clothes in one day than I dirtied in a week. He was probably right. She had some monster poops, and when she was really little she had acid reflux issues.
Those days seem distant in some ways, but I feel like time is flying by. My baby is sitting now, and just last week we started introducing baby food to her. She liked the carrots, but this week we started squash, and I think she thinks I’m punishing her.
“Knock, knock.” Max smiled as he leaned in the door. “How’s my beautiful girl today?” He breezed past where I was sitting in front of the high chair and into my kitchen with a bag.
“I’m fine. Thanks for asking,” I grumbled as he leaned down and kissed Nora’s head.
“Oh yeah.” He chuckled as he looked over at me. “Hi.” He winked before going back to the bag. “I brought over some fresh berries for ya. They were just brought in today, and I thought Nora might like some homemade peaches.” He started unpacking fresh fruit and setting it on my counter.
“Thanks. You didn’t have to do that.” I smiled before going back to the task at hand. “Come on, Nora. Please try it?” I held the spoon in front of her mouth, but she refused to open for me. I had to admit, the pureed squash didn’t smell or look very appetizing. In fact, it looked a little like what I usually find in her diaper.
“What’s that?” Max came to stand behind me.
“Squash.” I sighed. “She won’t try it.”
“Want me to try?” He squeezed my shoulder.
“Be my guest.” I set the spoon back in the bowl and slowly stood to vacate my chair.
Max took my place, lifted the spoon, and smiled at my daughter. “Wanna try this yummy squash for Uncle Max?” He moved it in front of her mouth, and the little shit opened for him. “See? You just didn’t ask nice enough.” He chuckled as Nora’s little tongue moved around the yellow mush. I watched, aggravation at the fact that he got her to do something that I couldn’t boiling up inside me, and then laughed when she spit it out. Her eyes blinked as she gave the ‘yuck face’ and then out the entire spoonful came and ran down her chin.
“Guess you didn’t ask nice enough either.” I laughed as I went to get a washcloth to help with the mess.
“We can try again. It’s new.” He shrugged as he scooped up another bite.
“Sure. Try again. That’s gonna make her like it better.” I rolled my eyes as I watched him lift the spoon to her lips. She opened her mouth, but as soon as she realized it was the same thing, out it came again.
“I’m thinking this is in the ‘no’ column.” Max set the bowl on the table. “Got something else she’ll eat?” He glanced back at me.
“Here.” I handed him a container of carrots. “She loves those.” I sighed. Carrots might be the only veggie she eats willingly.
“Thanks.” He took the container from me. “Now go get cleaned up. I came over here because I have plans for you two today.” He motioned to the hallway.
“What kind of plans?” I furrowed my brow. Max was never spontaneous.
“The kind that involve getting out of this apartment and enjoying this beautiful summer day. Now, go.” He shooed me away.
“I’m going. I’m going.” I laughed as I rushed down the hall. It felt good to laugh. It felt good to finally be able to feel happy, and not feel the guilt that usually came with it. I’m not going to lie. There are days the grief still swamps me, but there are less of them and more of the happy days. Jared will always be important to me. He will always hold a place in my heart. He gave me one of the greatest gifts there is, a child. The thing is, I need to live for her now, and I can’t do that if I don’t make myself happy. She deserves for me to be happy, and I can’t do that if I don’t start to really let go.
“Ready!” I grinned as I came rushing back out to the kitchen. I’d put on a pair of cutoffs and a red t-shirt. My feet skidded to a stop when I saw them.
“So are we.” Max grinned back as he held Nora in his arms. She was squishing his cheeks with her palms, and he was smiling at her. “Uncle Max has big plans for today.”
Chapter 19
Hailey
“So where are you taking us?” I asked as Max pulled out of the parking lot of my apartment complex. He was driving my car so we wouldn’t have to move the car seat.
“You’ll see.” He grinned as he picked up speed. It was a fairly warm day, and the air conditioning in the car was a nice reprieve.
“I hope you don’t plan on keeping us outside. It’s hot out.” I sighed. When I looked up, I noticed he was pulling into my parents’ driveway. “Um, this isn’t what I had in mind when you said you wanted to take us somewhere.”
Max looked over at me with a guilty look on his face. “Just trust me.” He pushed open the driver’s door, and then went to the back door to get Nora out. She clapped her hands happily as he lifted her. “You coming?” He glanced over his shoulder at where I was standing by the car with the bag he’d asked me to carry. I had no idea what he’d packed in it.
“Do you need to talk to my parents or something?” I called at his back.
“Nope.” He laughed as he walked past the house. I don’t know why I didn’t put two and two together. Maybe it was baby brain, but I followed him blindly as he wandered along the path that I hadn’t taken in years.
The grass was fluffy from lack of footsteps, but the path still wound around the same trees. When we reached the clearing, I lifted my eyes to see a blanket laid out with a picnic basket. “Surprise!” Max grinned as he turned to face me.
“You did this?” I looked from him to the blanket to my squirming daughter in his arms.
“Yeah. I thought you might like to share this part of us with her.” His head tipped in Nora’s direction.
“But it’s so hot.” My mind couldn’t think of anything else to say. I was stunned, happy, touched, and slightly nervous as to what all this meant.
“Then we can swim.” He used his free hand to motion to the pond and then to the bag in my hand.
“You thought of everything, didn’t you?” I smiled as I stepped closer. “Thank you.” I rose up on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek. It was innocent, but a big step for me. We’d had moments like this in the past, but this was the first time that I didn’t feel guilty about it.
“Sit down. I’ll hand her to you.” He motioned to the blanket. Once I lowered myself, he handed me Nora before joining us on the blanket. He turned to the picnic basket, and began lifting out containers of food, and a Thermos. “You hungry?” He handed me what looked like a wrapped sandwich.
“Starved. I never get to eat at normal times anymore with this one.” I laughed lightly as I began to unwrap it. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” He nodded as he took a bite of his sandwich. We sat there in the quiet listening to the sounds of the summer day as we ate. The birds were singing, leaves blowing on the trees, and the water rippled in the sunlight. It was just like when we were little, only this time I was much more aware of who was sitting beside me. “Looks like someone was tired.” Max chuckled as he pointed at Nora. She was sound asleep in my arms, sucking on her thumb.
“This is usually nap time,” I murmured.
“Hang on a sec.” Max scrambled to get up, and reached for the bag I’d been carrying. He lifted a handful of towels out of it, and began folding them into a small pallet. He arranged it in front of us where it would remain in the shade, and then lifted Nora from my arms. As he laid her down and rubbed her downy soft hair, he mumbled something I couldn’t quite hear. “She should be fine sleeping there.” He moved back beside me, and smiled in my direction before going back to his lunch.
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