I smile, but inside I’m anything but happy. I’m the worst at intimacy. Other than this fake relationship with Jonah, the most serious relationship I’ve ever had is with my job, which is very important to me. What does that say about me?
All I can do at this point is enjoy the extra time Angela gave me to wrap things up here before my next assignment. Jonah may be the best man I’ve ever been close to, but I have to move on to the next case, so this is the end for us.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Jonah
Kit drops his barbell to the floor after a set of deadlifts, blowing out a breath as he rolls his shoulders to stretch them. I nod at him as I walk over to a stair climber machine in our team training room to warm up.
“Hey, man,” he says, following me to the machine.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Why’d you miss practice this morning?”
“I had a thing.”
He pulls up his T-shirt to wipe the sweat from his face and quips, “Dick enlargement procedure?”
“Yeah, it’s just never big enough for your mom.”
My heart’s not really into trading jabs today. Rey and I are over, and she’s leaving. I could tell today with the awkward way we said goodbye. I knew it would hurt when the time came, but it’s even worse than I thought it would be. I’m at a loss.
I didn’t see her coming, the outspoken Cuban beauty who can’t cook for shit and swears like a sailor stole my heart right out from under me. It’s like when a puck I can’t get my eyes on slides right between my legs and into the net.
It’s worse, actually. I lost Lily, the only woman I ever thought I’d love, and then love somehow found me once again and now I’m losing Rey, too.
Kit looks around the room to make sure no one can hear him, then leans over and asks in a low tone, “Did you hear about that high roller friend of Durand’s getting arrested?”
“What’d he do?” I ask, answering his question with a question so I don’t have to lie.
“Some fucking awful shit, dude. The cops found child porn on his computers and they went to search his place on some island and he had twenty-four kids locked in a dungeon that he was renting out to his pals as sex slaves.”
“Holy shit, are you serious?”
Kit nods. “Durand isn’t connected to all that, it sounds like, but he looked like he was about to be sick when I passed him upstairs earlier. Can you imagine finding out someone you know is actually that kind of monster?”
“Sounds like he’ll be in prison for the rest of his life.”
I pick up the pace on the stair climber, working up a light sweat. Kit shakes his head and leans on the front of my machine.
“I hope his fellow prisoners will do to him what he did to those kids,” Kit says, his gaze darkening. “He deserves…the worst humanity has to offer, I’ll just say that.”
I’ve never seen Kit so upset about anything. Emotion is swirling in his eyes and he actually looks on the verge of tears.
“You okay, man?” I ask, putting a hand on his shoulder.
“Yeah.” He takes a deep breath and pushes off my machine. “I’ve gotta go, see you later.”
“See ya.”
I watch him as he leaves the training room, certain that he is not okay. Kit is one of those guys who keeps everything surface level. Everything is fun and games with him, and I’ve noticed something about him—he has women all over him when we go out, but he always goes home or back to his room alone.
I’ve never known Kit to spend the night with any woman, but anyone who wasn’t paying close attention wouldn’t know that. He flirts and I can tell when he really likes a woman, but he never pursues more than a little making out in public.
Maybe he had his heart crushed at some point, I don’t know. I won’t repeat what I’ve noticed or pry about it, though, because I know how it feels to want privacy.
More players and trainers come into the locker room, everyone buzzing about the arrest of our season-ticket holding VIP fan earlier today. I put my headphones on to signify that I don’t want to talk. I also don’t want to listen. Every word they say just reminds me of the reality I don’t want to face—Rey leaving.
“Where are you going next?” I ask Rey later that evening as we talk in my kitchen over Chinese carryout.
“I’m not sure. I have a guess, because I know there’s a task force working a big case out west, but I won’t find out until I’m ready to return to the field.”
I push a piece of Mongolian beef around my plate, feeling like a guy whose puppy just got kicked. I hate this feeling.
“I’ll miss you,” I admit.
Rey is quiet for a few seconds before she says, “I’ll miss you, too. So much. I’ve never…”
“What?”
She sets her fork down, meeting my eyes across the kitchen table. “I’ve never wished I could stay anywhere after I finished a job. I was always ready to move on and kick more ass. But this time…” She shakes her head and looks away. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It does, though. What we’re you gonna say?”
Rey turns to look at me again, her expression sad as she says, “This time I wish I could stay. If I could…I’d ask you out, Jonah. On a real date.”
I give her a wry smile and say, “No, I’d ask you out. That’s how it works with real men.”
She lowers her brows. “Real men don’t accept when a woman asks them out?”
This woman. She gets me going in every possible way, and damn, do I love it.
“No, a real man doesn’t put a woman in that position. If he knows there’s chemistry, he makes the move. He doesn’t want to risk losing her. He wants her to know he’s man enough to put himself out there and ask, knowing she could shoot him down.”
The intensity in Rey’s expression matches the way I’m feeling right now. Our eyes stay locked, the air between us charged with energy, before she softly says, “There’s definitely chemistry.”
“Yeah. And…” I struggle to find the words. “And you mean a lot to me, too.”
She closes her eyes. “I wish there was a way. I’ve been thinking about it all day.”
“Me too.”
When she opens her eyes to look at me, the shine of her tears sends me from my seat around to the other side of the table, where I bend down to pull her into my arms.
“I can’t even do a long-distance relationship because I’ll be working undercover again,” she says, holding on to me tightly. “If I could still talk to you every night and at least see you on weekends…”
“I know, babe.”
“But I can’t.”
I pull back and take her hand, leading her to the living room, where we sit side by side on the couch. She wipes her tears from her face with one hand and puts the other one on my knee.
“I wouldn’t be happy if I quit my job for a man,” she says, sighing. “Even you.”
“I’d never ask you to do that.”
“But keeping my job means I can’t talk to you or see you once I leave here. I mean, I could see you in between assignments, but that’s only a few days every so many months most of the time, and…”
“It’s not enough,” I finish, putting an arm around her.
She smiles at me through her tears. “Why do you have to be so amazing, Jonah West? Why do you make me want to be your girlfriend? I’ve never felt this way, and I have to admit, I’m not sure I completely like it.”
“That’s because you like being in control, and for once, you’re not.”
She gives me a sharp look. “Because what, you are?”
I have the best laugh I’ve had all day. “Fuck no, I’m not. Do I look in control to you? I fucking ate ice cream for lunch like some wallowing teenager.”
Rey laughs with me and then gives me a sheepish look. “I’m sorry.”
“At the risk of sounding like a therapist, which I definitely am not, I get it. What happened to you when you were a kid is unthinkable. Your world fell out
from under you and there wasn’t a damn thing you could do about it.”
Looking down at her lap, Rey softly says something I’ve heard her say before, “My grandma stepped up and took care of me, though.”
“Hey, look at me.” I brush Rey’s hair behind her ear on the side that’s facing me so I can see her face clearly as she looks up and over. “You can say that to everyone else when you talk about it. That’s your way of gutting up and saying you could have had it worse, I know that. But not with me. I see you, Rey. I know the truth. You lost your mother forever as a little girl and the man who killed her was supposed to love and protect both of you. That’s fucking hard, and I’d be shocked if you didn’t have trust issues.”
Her expression crumbles. Rey leans her forehead against my shoulder as she cries. Not silent tears, but powerful sobs that shake her shoulders. I close my eyes and kiss the top of her head, wishing I could take the pain away. It’s part of who she is, though, and I love every inch of her.
When she’s out of tears to cry, Rey looks up at me, her dark eyes red-rimmed and swollen.
“Do you think you can ever love another woman?” she asks in a small voice. “I see you, too, and I know your wife was your everything.”
My heart catches, both from the mention of Lily and from the hope in Rey’s voice. I swallow hard and cup her tear-stained cheek in my hand.
“She was my everything, but she’s gone. And I know she’d want me to keep living.”
“I’m nothing like her. I’m not good, or sweet or patient.”
I smile. “You aren’t patient, I’ll give you that. But you are good, Rey. You’re every bit as good as Lily was. You’re just different. You’re you.”
She nods, and I take a breath, my heart racing as I put everything on the table.
“You asked if I could love another woman again, and the answer is that I already do. I love you, Rey. I wish you could stay more than I can even say, but at the same time, I love that your way of coping with what happened to you is saving kids. If you quit doing that for me, you wouldn’t be you anymore.”
She releases an emotional breath. “I love you, too, Jonah. And I hate so fucking much that I have to leave you.”
“Maybe someday…” I shake my head. “Yeah, this fucking sucks. I don’t want you someday. I want you now.”
Rey stands up. “I’m so sorry, but I have to go. This hurts so damn much. I want to spend my last couple days with you, but if I do, I’ll just spend them crying and wishing things could be different. In those couple days,” her voice breaks with emotion, “I’ll just fall a little more in love with you.”
“You don’t have to go.” My whole body feels a little heavier at the thought of her walking out now, of this moment being our end.
“I do.” She picks her bag and jacket up from a chair, not looking at me. “I’m just going to go back to work tomorrow, because what else can I do?”
“Rey…”
She walks over to the door. “I’m so sorry, Jonah. I’m not good at this stuff. I wish I could say goodbye to you like a normal person, but I have to go. I just…can’t.”
Her sobs are audible as she opens the door and leaves. I want to chase after her. Tell her to stay and we’ll figure something out.
We’ve got no options, though. She can’t keep her job and our relationship. I’m so crazy about her I’d consider following her if I could, and leaving hockey behind. That’s not an option either, though, with her work.
I sit down on the couch and put my head in my hands, despair running through my veins. It’s a feeling I know well, but I never thought it would hit me head on again.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Rey
“At least let me put some serum on your eyes, they’re puffier than roasted marshmallows,” Kai says.
“I think I’m beyond help from a serum.”
My voice is dull and nasally and my head is pounding. I cried for hours after getting home from Jonah’s last night, finally slept for a couple hours and then woke up and cried some more. It was around 10:00 in the morning when I got up, washed my face and packed my bags.
I just want to wallow, but it won’t change anything. And it also feels horrible.
“Don’t go,” Kai begs, taking my hand.
I look at my pile of packed suitcases and smile sadly. “I don’t want to go. I’d stay until you were completely sick of me if I could.”
“Never.”
“I’m shit at goodbyes,” I say. “I’m so careful not to care enough that I don’t have to worry about sad goodbyes.”
“That’s fucked up, girl.”
I laugh in acknowledgment. “I’m fucked up. My skillset includes interrogation, firearms, several languages and hula hooping. And that’s about it.”
“And contouring,” Kai says, pointing at me for emphasis. “You’re now a contouring rock star.”
“After about a thousand lessons from you.”
Kai’s smile fades away. “I’ve got a thousand more, though. And I want you to teach me how to shoot a gun. And there are so many great movies we haven’t watched yet.”
My throat tightens with emotion. “I know.”
He stomps a foot and says, “At least stay for the rest of your time off. Your boss said you could. We can go get a suite at the Four Seasons and put on the robes and jump on the bed and eat chocolates.”
“Just thinking about doing that breaks my heart because I’ll have to leave after. And I won’t even be able to call you.”
“This is some bullshit.” Kai glares. “I finally have a best friend, and you’re leaving? I like doing your makeup more than I like doing my own, and that’s saying something because I really like doing my own.”
As if the pain of leaving Jonah wasn’t enough, I have to face this, too. Kai has become so dear to me. We’re very different and very alike at the same time. He doesn’t open up easily, either, and our souls seemed to sense their likeness and bonded immediately.
“I just want you to know I completely adore you, Kai,” I say, unable to keep from crying yet again. “You’re smart and funny and gorgeous. You have such a beautiful heart. I’d give anything to take you with me.”
“That’s a great idea!” He breaks into a huge grin. “I’d be an amazing undercover cop. I mean, I’m totally inconspicuous, right?”
He gestures at his dramatic purple and green eyeshadow, accented by thick, inch-long dark lashes, and we both bust out laughing.
“Oh, Kai.” I reach for him and we hug long and hard. “I love you so much.”
“I love you, too. And I’m sorry for being so selfish. You’re hurting, too. It’s just not fair that you have to leave Jonah. And obviously, me.”
“I’m eligible to retire in nineteen years,” I say miserably. “Think you’ll still have an open guest room then?”
“I mean, probably?” Kai says. “I can hardly stand anyone for more than three minutes. But you…you I like. You’re an amazing person, Rey. Having you here was something I didn’t even know I needed, but I did. And I’m better for it.”
I wipe the corners of my eyes. “Don’t live in fear of the assholes, okay? Take some self-defense classes, too. There’s a big, beautiful world out there that needs you in it.”
“Thanks.” He takes my hand and says, “I was thinking…do you get time off? Because maybe after your next job I could rent a yacht for a week or two and we could have a vacation together. Somewhere totally exotic.”
“That would be amazing. I do get time off, I just never use it.”
Kai’s eyes shine as he says, “I think you’re worth coming out of my fabulously painted shell for. Even if we can’t talk all the time, this isn’t the end of us. You’re my best friend no matter where in the world you are and no matter where in the world I am.”
“You’re killing me. Between you and Jonah, I’ve cried a river.”
“You want me to go comfort him?” he asks. “Because I could totally do that. I could stroke his hair and
rub some oil on his abs, maybe—”
“No.” I laugh, looking down at my phone at a notification that my Uber just arrived. “I have to go. I’ll be in touch.”
“You need to send me an address where I can send you a decent set of luggage,” he says firmly as he gestures at my pile of worn, mismatched bags. “That shit will just not do.”
I hug him again. “I love you. Be happy.”
“Love you, too. Be safe.”
He helps me carry the bags out, and after a couple trips to the car, we embrace one more time on his front steps.
“Just remember, I’m loaded,” Kai says, stepping back and taking both of my hands. “So if you ever decide to quit your job and move in with me, I’ve got you covered. I’ll take you in as a partner on my channels.”
“No, Kai, I could never.”
“Yes, you could. Think about it, okay?”
I nod. “Thank you.”
“When your sad, remember that noods and Gaga are always the answer.”
“I will,” I promise.
“Bye for now, love. I’m going to start planning our trip as soon as I get back inside.”
“I can’t wait.”
I wipe away a tear, hug him again, and slide on my dark sunglasses. Once I start walking toward the car, I don’t look back. Apparently Kai gestures to my Uber driver to roll down the back seat window, though, because it powers down and Kai calls out to me.
“Don’t forget to moisturize!” He blows me a kiss. “I love you!”
“I love you, too.” I put a hand up to wave, smiling through my tears.
And then the car drives away, and I leave the two people who mean most to me in the world.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Jonah
Three Weeks Later
Another puck slides past me into the net, and like the others, I have a hard time giving a shit about it.
It’s December 23, and this is our last practice before our holiday break. We were one of the lucky teams that didn’t end up being scheduled to play on Christmas. No one’s heart really seems to be in it though; even our coaches are checking their watches, eager to get out of here.
Jonah: A Chicago Blaze Hockey Romance Page 14
