I stopped to listen for her footsteps, but she was gone. I looked in every direction, and just as the last ounce of hope began to fade, she spoke.
Keep going straight. Turn right at the cave wall. There’s a crevice. Squeeze through the opening. I’ll be there.
Why can’t you just tell me what you want like this? I thought, speaking intentionally to her. My mind was quiet as I waited for her to respond, but she said nothing.
Frustrated by her lack of explanation, I kept on, my only options being to turn back or follow her directions, and I couldn’t turn back. I ran fast, feeling a sense of urgency with each step. There was no breeze to cool my warming body, and the stale air stuck to my skin. When I finally came to the cracked space in the rock wall, I pushed my hair, damp with sweat, from my face and stepped through.
“Why did you lead me out here?” I asked, defensive and agitated as I caught sight of her. Instinctively, my eyes scanned the space of the tiny crevice we occupied for any sign of company, any threat. “Why couldn’t you have just talked to me in my head? You seem to enjoy it.” I could hear the anger in my voice when I spoke to her. The image of her face lit up in the taillights of our car interfered with my thoughts. In my mind she was a killer, no matter what the reasoning.
“There are too many abilities here. I needed to get you away from the crowd, just in case, to protect myself.” Her eyes were weak and full of shame, but her voice was strong and defiant. “Do you want to hear what I have to say or not?”
I’d almost forgotten why I’d followed her in the first place—Anna. My palms began to sweat, and my throat ached with fear. I didn’t want to think of what she could possibly want to tell me about her. Knowing who and what Kara really was meant that it couldn’t be good.
“What is it?” I asked.
Suddenly her familiar voice was in my head, taking me off guard.
She’s dying.
The pit of my stomach burned with resentment for her.
“I know,” I sneered, trying to shake her voice out of my mind. “Did you bring me all the way out here just to rub it in? I mean, do you enjoy seeing innocent people die?”
Understanding crossed her face, and a look of disgust followed shortly after. It was clear to her that I wasn’t going to forget what I had heard. There wasn’t a trace of friendship left between us, nothing to hope for or grasp at—just anger.
“You don’t know anything about me,” she spat.
“Well, I do know one thing. You’re a murderer.”
She came at me before I had time to move. The air in my lungs was forced out by the impact my soft body had against the hard ground. She was on top of me, and tears welled up in her terrified and angry eyes as she held a knife against my neck.
“You’re right,” she said softly, her expression cold and vacant. “I am a murderer.”
Her body never faltered from the dominant position she had taken in her attack. She was strong, skilled, and precise. Ready to strike if necessary.
“I could kill you right now if I wanted,” she added, still hovering above me.
It felt like an eternity pinned beneath her knife, panic coursing through me, my heart about to burst. I was afraid, not for myself, but for Anna. Without me, she had no hope—she would die. Maybe William wouldn’t even know what happened to me. Death would mean a wasted life. No purpose, nothing to give, just a quick ending to a pointless story. The thought awakened me from the fear, and tears came without warning.
“Look, I don’t want to kill you,” she said, irritated with how this had turned out. “I just wanted to warn you.”
“I know she’s dying,” I said as she let me up. “I know.” I rubbed the place on my neck where her knife had been.
“Not about that.” She shook her head. “Warn you not to heal her.”
My eyes narrowed as I tried to figure her out. I couldn’t imagine she would care if I died.
“Why not? Because of the prophecy?”
“No,” she said with force, “because they’ll kill her, right after you do it. Don’t be stupid.”
“I’m going to warn her, tell her to run,” I protested.
“You think that will work? They’ll find her.”
I tried to stand strong. “Well, they only know what you tell them at this point, right?”
She looked away. “I might be able to buy you some time, but . . .” Her face became harder. “I won’t promise anything. If others get involved, I’m not risking my life for you or some human.”
I swallowed the sick feeling back into my stomach. “Just buy me time. It’ll work.”
“You need to go soon if you’ll have any chance,” she said as she walked away. “Tonight.”
As soon as Kara left the cave, my legs lost their strength, and I sank to the ground with my face in my hands. The heaviness in my chest made it hard to breathe.
Tonight.
26.
THE DRIVE BACK from Lenaia was solemn, but I wasn’t the only one feeling down. Everyone was sad to leave, and I was glad I could hide behind that excuse, that I didn’t have to explain why I was so disheartened.
The car was silent most of the way, with only William’s music to fill the empty air. It gave me time to prepare myself. I refused to accept Anna’s fate. No matter what Kara said, at least healing her would give her a chance. I’d already written the letter telling her to run, change her name, take Chloe and start a new life. I’d been carrying it around in my purse, ready for this moment. I wasn’t going to let them win.
If it had to be tonight, so be it. The waiting was over. I looked over at William’s face, his striking features highlighted by the light of the moon, and he smiled at me. It was a smile that could challenge the heavens, radiant and heart-stopping. I looked into his dangerous eyes, always tempting me to put it off a little longer, and tried to memorize the way they held me.
It was 10:30 when we finally got in. We went straight to bed, both eager to be close. His body felt warm and soft under the sheets as he moved to be next to me. His strong hands found my face and pulled it in to meet his lips. The gentle brush of his mouth as it passed over mine was enough to take me down. Any resistance I may have had was defeated. He could have me.
I knew it would be wrong to let things go as far as I wanted them to, simply selfish. Being closer than we already were would hurt him more in the end, but his touch robbed me of the breath I needed to protest. I was selfish, so be it.
I peeled the T-shirt off of his body, and he did the same for me. His broad shoulders held me delicately despite their strength. His eyes were serious and dark with intensity as he lay me down on the bed, sliding his sharply defined physique over me. He stared into me, like I was as vast as the sky.
“Kiss me,” I spoke the words softly, and he obeyed.
His body pressed against me, as his lips, smooth and delicate, fell into rhythm with mine. I wanted nothing more than to let myself go, but I couldn’t. I didn’t deserve the love he had to give. I should have pulled away long ago. It wasn’t right to lead him down a path that ended in such sorrow. It was wrong, and to take it any farther was just cruel.
“What’s the matter?” he asked, catching sight of the hesitation in my eyes.
I took a breath, not sure how to explain. “It’s just . . . I want to. I really want to, but I can’t, William.”
He lowered his forehead to mine, our noses touching, and let out a slow chuckling sigh.
“It’s your fault, you know. Do you see what you do to me?” he teased. “If you weren’t so irresistible I might be able to control myself.” He rolled over onto his back, staring at the ceiling.
He thought it was him, that he had moved too quickly.
“No, you were fine. You know me. I’m just shy.”
He turned on his side to face me with an accepting smile.
“I guess we should go to sleep anyway. It’s late.”
“Yeah,” I agreed reluctantly. I didn’t want the night to end, but I knew it had
to eventually.
“Goodnight, Ellie.” His body slid in behind me, his arms curled under and over me, and his legs tangled themselves into mine, as if he was rooting himself to me like a tree clinging to the earth. I held on tight to the moment as I lay wrapped up in his body, feeling the roots of his soul growing deeper within me. What would happen in the morning when he realized I was gone? The pang of unrelenting guilt brought on a subtle nausea. I swallowed hard, pushing the feeling out of my throat.
If only there was another way. My mind never stopped, always plotting, thinking, hoping for another option, but there was none. I had to accept my fate. All I had was this moment, this last precious moment with him that hurt like the end of all things, with the weight of a thousand heartbreaks wrapped up in its brief insignificance. Still, I had to be grateful for it, grateful that I had met him. He had shown me what it was to be in love, and what else was there really, besides love? In the end it is all there is, and despite the heartache that accompanied my ending, it was worth it.
When his breathing slowed, I opened my eyes. There would be no sleep for me tonight, not until it was my last sleep, eternal sleep, and I would close my eyes forever. I held tight to the feeling of his heavy arm on my chest, his sweet, hot breath on my neck, before working up the courage to escape from his tangled limbs. I took a deep breath and moved slowly and silently inching away from his body under the cocoon of sheets. Once I was free, I turned to look at him through the darkness. The gentle moonlight that managed its way into my room helped me make out his features, calm and content as he slept. I quietly hoped death would be just as peaceful.
The air in the room was cold as I slid off the bed and onto my feet. My eyes fell back on him as I stood, looking for any sign of movement, any notice of my absence, but he slept soundly. I lingered and watched his breathing long after I knew he’d been undisturbed, but the clock pestered me with its nagging tick, reminding me of each second that had passed. As I walked to the dresser, I lifted my toes so they wouldn’t crack with each step. I was soundless and opened the drawers without waking him, pulling out the last shirt I’d ever wear. It didn’t matter which one, and once I’d put on my jeans, there wasn’t much left to do but say goodbye.
I wrote the note as slowly and clearly as I could in the dark, hoping he would see that this was a deliberate choice, not a spur of the moment decision.
William,
I love you . . . I keep waiting for the tears to come, for my anxiety to stop me, but all I feel is gratitude—for every breath, every memory, every short-lived smile, every day.
I’m sorry. I had no choice.
I folded the paper in two and placed it on my bedside table, taking my time, giving myself a reason not to leave. I had to pull myself away from that very last moment, but eventually I turned and walked out the door with slow quiet steps, leaving before my longing to stay overpowered my need to go.
I thought it would finally hit me during the drive. But this was my purpose, to heal. Eighty-nine years of life was more than I could ask for, and to end it with such sweet memories of love and bliss seemed like the perfect time to go.
I had my regrets, my doubts, my worries. Would he forgive me? Would he recover? Would he understand? But none of it mattered. After years of watching my loved ones die before me, standing helplessly by as my condition continued to plague me with loss, I finally had the chance to set things right. The old should die before the young, and though my appearance created the illusion of youth, I was old—far older than Anna, by nearly half a century.
That was the logical way of thinking about it, an argument for those who would oppose my choice, but in truth, this decision was one of the irrational heart. Even if my age was not a factor, I couldn’t stand by watching Chloe relive the pain I’d known, not when I could prevent it.
As I drove, the silhouetted skyline climbed up the dawning blue sky, waiting for the first sign of the sun. The moon still glowed full and silver in the gray early morning light like a shimmering coin at the bottom of a pool. I must have stayed longer than I thought, but the timing seemed perfect. The open road, left abandoned by the sleeping citizens, seemed to reassure me that the path I’d chosen was the right one.
I used the spare key Anna had given me at Thanksgiving, opening the door as soundlessly as I could. If I woke Chloe, things would get complicated.
Even with the few lights that were left on, the apartment was dark and gloomy, as if the atmosphere had absorbed her sickness. Silence set the mood as I prepared myself to climb the stairs to her room. I needed to see her first, to say a proper goodbye before I ended it.
Chloe’s bed was empty, and she wasn’t in the living room. If she was here, she would be sleeping with her mother, and I hoped with all my might that she was at her aunt’s.
I released a silent sigh when I saw the single body lying motionless in the bed—Chloe wasn’t home. Careful not to startle her as I approached, I walked slowly and took a seat on the edge of the mattress. I found her hand and gently placed it in mine, but the only response she gave as she struggled to lift her lids, was the hint of a smile. She was weak, almost gone, and I had come just in time.
“You know, Anna,” I spoke with a shaky voice. “All my life I’ve had to carry around the burden of being the one who lives, watching everyone I love age and die. You don’t know what that’s been like, to feel powerless as the world steals everything right out from under you. Well, maybe you do. But I won’t let that happen to you, to Chloe.”
Her frail body lay still and unresponsive as I spoke, but it felt good to talk to her, to say what I needed to say. Part of me was glad she wasn’t able to communicate. I knew she would only resist, and that would be a waste of her precious energy. I kissed her forehead with love. Soon she would feel better, and all of her suffering would come to an end.
I made my way downstairs heading straight for the kitchen. I had already run through how it would go. A knife would be my tool of choice. The bracelet wouldn’t produce enough blood. As I opened the drawer to the right of the stove, hoping to find the sharpest one I could, a chilling voice invaded my head.
Elyse. Her tone was calm but stern, and it was nothing less than a warning.
With my hand wrapped tightly around the handle of a knife, I turned to face her.
“Kara, please,” I whispered.
27.
THE STILLNESS IN the room was as sharp as the blade in my hand and bound by fragile tension that could shatter at the first sign of attack. I stood, weapon in hand, ready to face my enemy, to defend my cause at any cost. I didn’t dare let my eyes veer from direct contact, and hers stayed locked on mine, but nothing in them was looking for a fight. Nevertheless, I felt the muscles in my body tense.
She stayed calm as I calculated how I could kill her, or at least stop her from getting in my way. Her posture, far too relaxed, told me she had either accepted her fate or that she felt confident she would win the struggle between us. Neither made me feel any more at ease.
“You know,” she said breaking the silence, “I never wanted this life.”
I didn’t care enough to respond. Her feelings were the last thing on my mind. I tried to stay focused on the attack that was sure to come.
“I told you,” she continued, “if they try and hide on their own, it won’t work. They’ll find her.”
Hatred seeped out of every one of my pores as I suppressed the urge to lunge forward and take her to the ground. If I wasn’t so worried about losing my precious blood, maybe I would have already done it. Instead, I only gritted my teeth and held my tongue.
“I could help you though . . .”
My heart stuttered. Had I heard her wrong? I looked for the insincerity in her face, the joke behind her words, but her expression remained strong and defiant. Help could mean so many things. Could she help me survive the process? I couldn’t keep the hopeful tone out of my voice.
“How?”
She nodded and smiled to herself before answering
decidedly. “Be your backup.”
My chest nearly caved in at the thought, and I took a deep breath full of relief.
“Kara, I . . . are you sure?” Deep down I didn’t want to hope for something too good to be true.
“I think I am.”
“What about your family?”
“I’ve already warned them, told them to leave. They’ll be at risk, but the prophecy is the only way to really save them. They’ve had to live in fear for too many years.”
Everything seemed to fold into place just a little too well. How did I know this wasn’t some Council scheme to get me to kill myself and leave Anna and Chloe for them to murder?
“Why are you helping me?” I asked, keeping my eyes on her. “Why put you and your family in danger? I don’t mean anything to you.”
I tried to be subtle as I evaluated her sincerity, and watched her brow sink into a hateful scowl.
“I’ve been working for The Council since I was fifty-six. I never had a choice.” She looked away from me as she spoke, as if she were afraid her disloyal words might travel too far. “It’s about time someone took a stand against them.”
“Exactly,” I agreed. It was gratifying to know that we would not only be saving a life, but that it would stand for something. Still, the unsettling thought wouldn’t leave my mind. How did I know for sure this girl was on my side? All she had given me was her word, and the word of an enemy was as trustworthy as a foundation of sand. “But how do I know you’re telling me the truth?”
I could see her processing my perspective, swimming through the uncertainties that had inspired my doubt. With open access to the workings of my thoughts, there was no telling what she was looking for, but she seemed to understand my need for proof.
She exhaled decisively. “I’ll show you. Give me your hand,” she said, stepping forward with caution.
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