by Sandy Hall
By Saturday afternoon, Jane couldn’t keep her feelings in for one second longer. While she was out with Margo, running errands for their mom, she finally blurted out, “I had a big fight with Teo and we’re not speaking and I don’t know if we’re ever going to speak again.” They were at the grocery store; they’d already stopped at the dry cleaner’s and the library.
“What did you fight about?” Margo asked.
“The dad thing. Of course you were right.”
“I promise I didn’t want to be right,” Margo said.
“I know. I really thought Teo would be so psyched,” Jane said. “But when I told him, he blew up at me. And I tried to apologize again the other day, figuring he needed time to cool off, but he walked out of the room. Didn’t even say a word.”
“That sucks,” Margo said.
“Are you any closer to telling Mom and Dad your news?”
“Quite the subject change,” Margo noted.
“I don’t really want to start crying about Teo in the frozen-food aisle.”
Margo patted her shoulder sympathetically and followed Jane’s lead. “Not really. If anything, I’ve kind of stopped thinking about it. It’s not that big a deal, right? And maybe I’ll fall for a guy and they’ll never have to know.”
Jane made a face. “Is that really what you want?”
“No. Not even a little. But I don’t want them to—” Margo stopped short and shook her head. “I don’t know. I don’t want them to be mad at me.”
Jane had no clue how to respond to that. As much as she wanted to tell Margo that everything would be okay, she knew it would be like shouting into the abyss. Margo had dug in her heels and really believed that their parents would disown her. More than that, though, Jane had a feeling that Margo was worried their parents wouldn’t like her anymore.
“So what’s next on the list?” Jane asked.
“Aluminum cake pans,” Margo read off the shopping list their mom had written.
They wandered up and down aisles they had already been through a dozen times until finally they located the aluminum bakeware at the back of the store. When Margo gasped, Jane stopped scanning the wall of throwaway pans to look at her.
At the end of the pet food aisle stood Kara Maxwell.
Margo’s eyes went wide.
“When was the last time you talked to her?” Jane asked as they moved out of Kara’s line of sight.
“Not since the party. But it feels like an omen that she just happens to be at the grocery store at the same time we’re here.”
“I kind of agree.” Jane peeked up the aisle again, and Kara was still there.
“Only ‘kind of’?” Margo asked. “If I asked the Magic 8, it would totally agree.”
Jane pretended to shake a Magic 8 Ball and check the answer. “‘Outlook good.’”
“Should I go talk to her?”
“‘Without a doubt,’” Jane said, making her eyes as wide as Margo’s.
“What are you going to do?”
“Wander around the grocery store and pretend I don’t know you while actually watching your interaction from every possible angle.”
Margo shrugged. “That sounds completely normal, and I’ll want a full report in the car.”
Jane did exactly as she’d promised, going full-on Veronica Mars, catching bits and pieces of Margo and Kara’s conversation as she made several circuits of the store. In a funny architectural phenomenon, if she stood by the packaged deli meats, she could hear almost every word they said, but she couldn’t actually see them and they couldn’t see her. She did a few drive-bys with the cart so she could also report to Margo on their body language.
“I actually have to go back to school soon,” Kara was saying at one point.
“Bummer,” Margo said.
“Yeah, field hockey practice starts next week.”
“Oh, wow,” Margo said. Jane had a feeling that Margo didn’t even know what field hockey was.
“Sucks that we don’t go to school in the same state.”
“Sucks that we don’t go to school in the same time zone.”
The next time Jane came around, they were obviously wrapping up their conversation.
“… winter break,” Kara was saying as Jane moved into hearing distance.
“Yeah,” Margo said, squeezing Kara’s arm. “That would be great.”
Kara leaned in to hug her, and then they said good-bye.
While they checked out, Margo was practically bouncing. “Isn’t it kind of amazing when you like someone for a really long time and then they suddenly like you back?”
“I can’t say I’ve actually experienced that, but it sounds incredible.”
“Well, when you do, come talk to me, and we can revel in the freaking awesomeness of it together.”
“That good, huh?” Jane asked as she manipulated the cart out to the car.
“Definitely,” Margo said. She babbled about Kara the whole time while they were loading bags into the trunk.
“So are you and Kara going to have a long-distance relationship or something?” Jane asked, taking the driver’s seat. She flat-out refused to let Margo drive anymore.
“No, but we’ll see each other during winter break. I don’t think we’re destined to be together forever, but it’s good. It gives me a little more confidence in everything.”
“That’s great.”
“It feels like an omen. And I think I should definitely come out to Mom and Dad tonight. I needed to be reminded of how much better it will feel when I’m honest with them.”
“I like that idea a lot more than never telling them and hoping you find a decent guy,” Jane said.
“Yeah, that idea was terrible,” Margo agreed.
“It would have been super awkward for everyone involved.”
“I know it could still happen. But until now, I was sort of hypothetically bi. I mean, quite frankly, I’m only hypothetically sexual, even. I don’t exactly have a ton of experience,” Margo said, looking at her hands.
“Me neither,” Jane said.
“Yeah, but you’re still in high school. It’s downright pathetic to be almost twenty-one and barely ever kissed.”
“Everyone’s different,” Jane said.
“Thanks for that one, Jane. I would never have come up with that on my own.”
“Sorry, I guess it’s one of those clichéd things people say because it’s true.”
Margo nodded and then continued her very excited monologue about Kara and her sexuality and living life to the fullest.
They were nearly home when she finally noticed how quiet Jane was.
“I’m sorry about Teo,” Margo said.
“Thanks.”
“I’m sure you guys will work it out.”
“Do you have any advice?” Jane asked. “This time I promise to listen.”
“Oh, now you want my advice,” Margo teased.
Jane smiled grimly as she pulled the car into the driveway.
“Give him time, Janie. It’s a lot to take in under the best of circumstances. He’ll come around. He likes you too much not to.”
Jane nodded, took a deep breath, and helped her sister take the groceries into the house. There wasn’t much else for her to do.
Chapter 16
A week had passed since his blowup with Jane, and Teo finally had to acknowledge that he missed her. He didn’t know what to do about missing her, but at least he could admit to himself that he did. That was a big step, considering that forty-eight hours earlier, he’d still sort of hated her.
“I messed up,” he told Ravi on the phone that afternoon. He had no clue whether Ravi was listening, but he needed to say it.
“How?” Ravi asked.
“It’s a really long story, and I need you to listen and not judge.”
“If you had any kind of sex with Jane Connelly, I don’t want to hear about it.”
“I did not have any kind of sex with Jane Connelly. Why would you even go there?”
“I saw the pictures from that party, Teo. You were all up in each other’s business that night.”
“Well, it does have to do with Jane, but nothing about sex.”
Ravi sighed. “Fine. Tell me.”
Teo filled him in on every last detail of his argument with Jane last weekend. When Teo finally finished, Ravi whistled long and low. “Dude, that’s a lot to take in.”
“I know,” Teo said.
“And, oh God, I hate saying this, but I have to.”
“What?”
“You know, this is legit painful for me to even form these words.”
“Say it.”
“She was trying to help you. It sucks how she went about it, but I’m pretty sure her intentions were sound.” And then he paused for a beat. “Even if she is an idiot.”
“Oh God, I suck so bad.” Teo covered his eyes with his hand.
“You don’t really suck that bad. But, like, what do you want to do?”
“About the dad thing?”
“Obviously.”
“I have no freaking clue.”
“Do you want to meet him?”
“I want to stop hating him.”
“Are you going to make up with Jane?”
“I have to. I kind of miss her.”
Ravi made dramatic retching noises.
“And I freaked out on her because I’m mad at him. I want to make sure she knows that. But I do think I need to find him. To actually see him. To stop hating the idea of him or whatever.”
“Well, I can’t exactly help you in any way, shape, or form, since I’m approximately eight billion miles away, but let me know if I can do anything.”
“Thanks, man.”
“You know it.”
They wrapped up their phone call. Ravi might not be able to help, but Teo knew who could.
Which is how he ended up ringing Jane Connelly’s doorbell on Saturday night.
Jane didn’t hear the conversation happening at the front door, nor did she hear the footsteps on the stairs, or the person approaching her bedroom.
She barely even heard the first knock—that was how into writing she was.
At the second knock, she minimized the window and clicked on the nail art how-to videos she always kept open in a separate browser so that when her mom looked over her shoulder, she would never catch Jane reading something she would deem inappropriate. Or, worse, writing something she would deem inappropriate.
“Come in!” Jane called when her screen was clear.
“It’s locked,” a familiar voice said. A familiar male voice.
“Teo?” Jane got up and went to open the door.
“Hi,” he said. “Your mom told me I could come up.”
“That’s weird,” Jane said.
“Well, she also told me to tell you to keep your door open while I’m ‘visiting.’” Teo put air quotes around the last word.
“She makes it sound like you’re here for a conjugal.” Jane put her hand over her mouth.
Teo’s jaw dropped for a second, and then he broke into a grin.
“That was just—I don’t know—I am—so…” Jane shook her head and couldn’t seem to finish a sentence. “My mother would not be pleased with that kind of talk.”
Teo nodded and then looked a little shy. “So, hey.”
“Oh, hey, hi, what’s up, how are you?” Jane seriously considered slapping herself in the face for her extreme awkwardness.
Teo smiled. “You okay?”
“Oh, just great. Yeah. Totally awesome. Spent most of the past week feeling like I’d swallowed a grapefruit while you studiously ignored me.”
“I wasn’t ignoring you.”
“You wouldn’t even look at me.”
“Well, I’m here now. Looking at you. Ready to apologize for blowing you off.”
“I accept,” she said. “Even though I need to apologize more.”
Jane sat down in her computer chair, and Teo looked around, hoping to find somewhere to sit besides Jane’s bed. Jane finally took pity on him and dragged Margo’s desk chair in from her room down the hall.
“Thanks,” Teo said.
“I couldn’t stop thinking about all the ways I could have done this differently, or better. I want you to know I’ve learned my lesson. I will not meddle in your life, or anyone else’s, ever again.”
“Listen,” Teo said. “It’s okay. Or if it’s not exactly okay, it’s forgivable. I forgive you. I don’t want to fight with you. I’m more mad at him than I am at you, for the record.”
She smiled, obviously relieved. “I don’t want to fight with you, either. And I really did think I was helping you.”
Teo nodded.
“I wanted to ask you about the search when I saw it on my first day of work. But we weren’t really friends. And then in my head it seemed like an awesome idea to find him for you. I knew I could.” Jane paused. “And now I’ll stop defending myself, since you already forgave me.”
“Good plan,” Teo said. “I’m sorry I ran away from you like that.”
Jane looked at the slump in his shoulders, and guilt rose in her chest, making her throat constrict. She tried to clear it, but her “No big deal” came out choked.
“And I’m sorry I said that thing about, um…” He paused and shook his head before turning to look at Jane. She felt his eyes on her but kept her gaze focused on the fake wood grain of her desk. “That thing about thinking not being your strong suit. That was way out of line.”
Jane laughed and scrunched up her nose. “Was it out of line? I thought you hit the nail on the head.”
“No way. You’re really good at thinking. You’re super logical.”
“Not really, but thanks for that.”
“Seriously, Jane,” Teo said. “I mean, you tracked this guy down and figured out he was related to me without even trying—it’s impressive. I’ve been trying to find him for years and never even got close.”
“Well, you said yourself that you were only casually looking.”
“But you made it seem so easy. I’m not saying I tried hard, but you barely tried at all and found the answers.”
“It was the pamphlet. I didn’t do much except not want to go to college, so my mom gave me college propaganda.”
Teo smiled. “You just can’t take the compliment, huh? No matter how hard I shove one at you, you keep shoving it away.”
Jane stared at him. “You’re complimenting me?”
“Yes, Jane. That’s what complimenting is. Recognizing things that people are good at and telling them you’re impressed.”
“Huh. I guess I never really thought of it like that.” Jane smiled. “Thanks for not hating me even though I totally stuck my nose where it didn’t belong.”
“Thanks for not hating me even though I reacted like a complete dick.”
“See, that’s the thing. You reacted like a dick, but that doesn’t mean you are a dick. It’s a very important distinction.”
Teo smiled, too, and took a deep breath. “There’s something I kind of wanted to ask you about.”
“Sure,” Jane said, feeling more confident than she had in a long time.
“Do you have any advice? About the dad search?”
“Seriously? Haven’t I done enough damage?”
“I don’t think you really did any damage. I think you kind of brought this idea of finding my dad, actually finding him and meeting him, into reality. I liked to look for him when Buck was on my case about something, or when I felt left out of family crap. But now my father doesn’t have to be a fantasy.”
“Oh. Okay.” Jane leaned her chin in her hand. “Does your mom know you’re looking?”
Teo shook his head.
“Oh, wow.” Jane took a deep breath. “Does anyone?”
“I filled Ravi in, but that’s it.” He gave her his very best puppy-dog look. “Will you help me?”
She couldn’t say no. “What do you want to find out, specifically?”
&n
bsp; “Where is he? Where is Mateo Rodriguez?”
“He works in Illinois now. At the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign campus.”
“How did you manage to work out that he wasn’t in Virginia?”
“Well, I went on the university website and tried to find him. When I couldn’t, I e-mailed the English department and asked if they knew where Mateo Rodriguez was teaching now. I said I was a former student and wanted to get a recommendation from him.”
“And that worked?”
“Yes. I got an e-mail back a few days later.”
“And you still don’t think you’re smart enough to go to college?”
Jane lifted her chin. “I never said I wasn’t smart enough, just that I thought I might fail. You can be smart and still fail.”
“Very true,” Teo said.
“Anyway, I didn’t get much further than that. I haven’t even checked the website for the University of Illinois. I could still be wrong.”
“But you’re probably not wrong.”
“He might not be your father.”
“Yeah, I know. It says Jose Rodriguez on my birth certificate.”
“I know. I’ve thought about that. It’s such a common name. I kind of wonder if your mom changed it. Or if maybe his name is Jose Mateo Rodriguez and he goes by his middle name.”
“I hadn’t considered that.”
Jane was about to say something else when Teo continued.
“What if he doesn’t want to meet me?” Teo asked.
“Whoa there,” Jane said, holding up her hands. “I feel like we skipped about a thousand steps. There are a lot of other things to do before you even consider meeting him.”
“Like what kind of steps?”
“Like confirming where he is. Contacting him. Deciding if you want to meet him.”
“Do you think I want to meet him?”
“I definitely can’t answer that question for you. But, like, three minutes ago you told me you were mad at him.”
“Just because I’m mad at him doesn’t mean I don’t want to meet him.” He gestured toward her computer. “Can we look him up? Together?”
“Yeah, sure,” Jane said. She brought up the window she’d been working in earlier; completely forgetting that her fan fiction document was open.
Teo squinted at the screen. “‘Doctor, you know we can’t go back in time and save Lilly,’” Teo read. “What is that?”
