by Lux Zakari
He kept a firm grip on her arm and tugged her back to her feet. “I should get you to the wellness center.”
“I don’t need to go there.” She jerked out of his grasp and tugged her sleeves over her hands. “I need... Actually, you know what I need? A cheeseburger.”
He cocked his head to the side. “Are you...high?”
“Daniel!” She hid her face once again. “Please. Don’t look at me. This is too humiliating.”
“It’s okay.” He placed his hands on the back of her shoulders and steered her toward the men’s bathroom. After knocking lightly, he ushered her inside and wet a paper towel, which he dabbed on her hot face. “You’re all right. You’ll be fine.”
She shut her eyes. “I thought this was supposed to be fun.”
He shrugged as he wet another paper towel. “Sometimes. Sometimes not.”
A drop of water from the paper towel trickled down her forehead. “Have you ever smoked before?”
He laughed softly as he gently pressed the towel to her closed eyelids. “I plead the Fifth.”
“I thought I was supposed to feel relaxed.” Her voice rose. “But I don’t. I feel ten times more stressed out than I usually do. I feel like everything just isn’t right. And I can’t stop thinking. You know? You ever realize how much thinking you do? I just realized today my brain never stops. It’s always going, it’s always worrying. And it’s just exhausting. I’m tired of it.”
“Don’t worry about it. When you come down, you’ll feel differently.”
“Will I?” Her eyes opened. “What if I’m having all sorts of life-altering epiphanies? Am I finally seeing a glimpse of some arcane truth? Something I’ve never seen before?”
Daniel smiled. “I think you’re just high.”
Valerie’s gaze dropped to the floor. “I feel so embarrassed you have to see me like this.”
“Hey, no worries.” He tossed the used, crumpled paper towels in the trashcan and hoisted himself on the edge of the counter. “It’s really no big deal. Don’t give it another thought.”
“Thank you, Daniel.” Gratitude flooded her body as she put a hand on his knee. “Thank you so much.”
“For what?” Somehow, he appeared both uncomfortable and pleased.
“For being so nice to me.”
“No problem. I’m just glad I could help out in some small way.”
She studied him for a moment, taking in his soft-looking hair curling slightly around his face, his warm, dark eyes crinkled with concern and the lean yet muscular body hidden beneath his green button-down shirt. “You know what?” She slid closer to him. “You’re beautiful.”
A blush crept into Daniel’s cheeks. “Get out of here.”
“You are.” Her hand moved from his knee to his upper thigh, where she gently kneaded the skin through the fabric of his corduroy pants.
He gulped, watching her hand. “What’re you doing?”
“What’s it look like?” She gave him a flirtatious smile as her fingers flitted to his pants’ zipper.
“I really don’t know,” he said, his voice tremulous.
Her lips grazed his ear as her hand snaked inside the open fly of his pants. “I want you to feel as wonderful as you are.”
“I don’t think so.” He shook his head and sucked in a deep breath as her hand closed around his stiffening cock, and her own breathing hitched as she realized how much she enjoyed the feel of him.
“Please?” Her hand moved methodically up and down his shaft. The desire to see him naked rushed through her body. “Please. Let me make you feel good.”
“Stop, Val, stop.” Daniel leaped to his feet and zipped his pants with trembling fingers. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”
Her lower lip quivered. “Why?”
“I just can’t.” He tucked his shirt back in his pants, his face crimson.
Valerie covered her mouth with one hand as hot tears dripped from her eyes. “I’m so sorry. I only wanted to—”
“No! Please. Forget whatever it is you’re going to say, because there’s no need to apologize.”
“Yes, there is. I threw myself at you like a fool.” She bowed her head as sobs racked her shoulders. Was she no better than Michael, relying on another’s adoration when she couldn’t have the one she really wanted? “I can’t believe I did that to you. I’m so sorry. What is wrong with me?”
“Don’t do this to yourself.” He grazed her cheek softly with his knuckles as the door opened and a whistling student stepped in, undoing his belt. Daniel gave the boy a dark look and the student scuttled off, wide-eyed. When they were alone again, he continued, “Honestly? I do like you, and I always have. I think you’re incredible, and what nearly happened has basically been my dream since we first met.”
“Then why won’t you let me show you I like you?”
“Because…” He sighed. “I doubt you do.”
“That’s not true.” The words flew out of her mouth before she could question their validity.
“Yes, it is. Beautiful, smart girls like you always manage to fall for the badasses, who usually turn out to be just asses.”
Valerie swallowed hard. “Who told you?”
Daniel smiled. “No one. I can just tell.”
“Why is it like that?” She hiccupped back a sob. “Why am I under the power of a complete jerk who makes me feel used and horrible? Why am I letting myself be treated this way?”
“Love’s a weird thing, I guess. Then again, I don’t know much about it.”
“I think you do.” She wiped her eyes with her sleeve and took a deep, cleansing breath. “I think you know a lot, much more than me. Why is it we seem to know more about love when we’re not in it?”
Daniel’s expression became serious. “This doesn’t have anything to do with knowing about love. All I really know is if you want something in the worst way, that’s how you’ll get it.”
Valerie pressed a finger to her lips and grew silent, pondering his words.
He looked at his watch. “I’m sorry. I have an exam next period, and I need to spend a couple of minutes looking over my notes.”
“That’s more than fine.” She stretched her arms out to him. “Thank you.”
Daniel wrapped his arms around her. Even though his textbook dug into the small of her back, she let out a complacent sigh, reveling in his breath on her hair, the warmth of his hands and the feeling she had racing through her, knowing she was holding someone who was fully engaged in the embrace, in her.
“Anytime,” he said softly. “Are you gonna be all right?”
“Yeah, thanks to you.”
“If you hang around for a while—hide out in the library or wherever—I can drive you home or anywhere you want to go. After the exam, I’m done for the day.” He grinned. “We can get you that cheeseburger.”
“Okay,” she said gratefully. “Thank you so much.”
“Sure.” Daniel pulled away from her, pink-faced and smiling.
Valerie returned his grin as they left the bathroom. She headed toward the exit, but paused in the doorway when she heard him call.
“Hey, just so you know, if someday you decide you really do like me, I could never turn you down. Never.”
She grinned. “Thanks.” Then she bit her lip with a rueful shake of her head, wishing that long ago she had possessed the strength and self-respect that Daniel had.
Chapter 9
Friday
April 25, 1975
Valerie held in her stomach out of habit as her mother zipped the back of her dress. “There you go!” Her mother shook her head as a sentimental smile played on her lips. “I don’t think you’ve ever looked more stunning.”
“Thank you.” Valerie’s gaze met her reflection in the floor-length mirror, and she knew what her mother said was true. Even she had to agree she looked beautiful, with her dark hair curled and pinned up and her sleeveless, sky blue gown showcasing her figure. She almost didn’t recognize herself. Gone was the overweight, shy g
irl she had been less than a year ago, and in her place was a mature woman who moved with quiet grace. She only wished the wisdom in her eyes didn’t look so much like sadness and lessons learned the hard way.
Her mother placed her hands on Valerie’s shoulders. “Let’s go show your father.”
Valerie nodded and followed her out into the hallway, where she was made to wait while her mother all but skipped down the carpeted steps. She closed her eyes and strained to hear her parents murmuring in the living room.
Finally, her mother called with flourish, “Introducing the very lovely, very elegant Valerie Mercer!”
A blush spread across Valerie’s face as she made her way down the stairs, careful not to trip on the hem of her dress as she presented herself to her parents in the living room. She turned slowly to give them a complete view, as if she were a prize on a game show. Her mother clapped with excitement while her father let out a low, approving whistle.
“Very nice, Val,” her father said. “You’ll be the queen of the gala for sure.”
Val gave an embarrassed laugh. “There is no queen. This isn’t the prom.”
Her father shook his head. “Well, you look very classy.” His brow furrowed. “Who’s the boy taking you?”
“Daniel.” Valerie tried to keep her tone light and optimistic.
“Daniel who? I don’t know any Daniel.”
“Yes, you do, dear.” Valerie’s mother patted her husband’s chest as if soothing a wary bear threatening to lumber out. “Daniel Travato, Valerie’s friend.”
Her father’s forehead creased with annoyance and incomprehension. “He’s not the clown who came to dinner that one night, is he?”
Valerie felt every muscle in her body tighten.
“No, Daniel is the boy Valerie does her homework with,” her mother said. “You’re thinking of Michael.”
Valerie’s teeth nipped at her bottom lip. Her father wasn’t the only one.
“Right.” Her father grunted. “The preacher’s kid who left in the middle of dinner and was never heard from again. Whatever happened to that joker?”
“Oh, dear, just forget him.” Valerie’s mother swatted her husband on the shoulder as she peered out the window through a crack in the curtains. “That was ages ago. Valerie’s moved on.”
“That’s right.” Valerie gave her father a bright smile, forcing herself to ignore how all her insides suddenly felt like they were on the outside.
Her father continued to frown. “You should be home by midnight if you want to go looking for apartments in St. Louis tomorrow.”
“I’ll probably be home even earlier,” Valerie said. “I’m not really in the mood to go out.”
“Don’t say that.” Her mother looked up and down the street. “This is a very special occasion.”
Her father’s face softened. “Your mother’s right. You’re young, make the most of it. We’ve always trusted you to make the right decisions.” He put an arm around his daughter’s shoulders, and she breathed in his familiar musky aftershave. “You deserve to enjoy yourself.”
Valerie swallowed hard and nodded, believing she deserved a whole lot of nothing.
Her mother let out a yelp and dropped the curtain back into place. “Daniel’s coming up the drive!” She pointed toward the staircase. “Dear, go get the camera. Valerie, go back upstairs and don’t come until I call you.”
“I don’t need a dramatic entrance,” Valerie insisted, but her father tightened his grip on her shoulder as he guided her up the steps.
“Let’s just humor her, all right?” her father said as they reached the top of the landing. He gave her a reassuring pat on the back and disappeared into the master bedroom, leaving Valerie alone in the hallway. She leaned against the wall, willing her mood to improve. Still, she couldn’t ignore the heavy feeling in her shoulders to which she’d become so accustomed during the past several months.
The doorbell chimed and she heard her mother rush to answer it, bumping into something—likely the couch—in her hurry. There was a pause, and then finally Valerie heard the front door swing open and her mother greet Daniel. “Oh my goodness, don’t you look wonderful!”
“Thanks, Mrs. Mercer.” Valerie could hear the smile in Daniel’s voice. “I hope I look good enough to stand next to your daughter.”
Her mother tittered and cooed over Daniel’s gallantry as Valerie’s mind swam, trying to envision Michael Vartanian speaking Daniel’s words. The unlikelihood of that event was almost too much for Valerie to bear and she tugged on the heart-shaped neckline of her dress, one violent yank away from tearing the fabric from her body completely.
“Is Valerie almost ready?” she heard Daniel ask after a bout of polite conversation.
“I don’t know,” her mother chirped. “Let me call her. Valerie! Your date’s here!”
Valerie took a deep breath and walked down the stairs once again, her chin held high. Daniel stood at the bottom holding a flower in a plastic container, his eyes glittering with admiration. Her mother stood behind him, her fingertips dancing against her mouth and barely masking her proud, knowing smile.
“You look amazing.” Daniel took Valerie’s hand and needlessly helped her down the last step.
“You do too.” Valerie observed his white jacket with the thick lapels and his pressed black pants. She absently adjusted his slightly crooked bow tie, and his grin only grew wider.
“This is adorable.” Valerie’s mother called up the steps, “Gerald, hurry! You’re missing everything!”
“I’m here, I’m here.” Her father came downstairs, the strap to his 35mm camera looped around his neck, just as the phone rang.
“Oh, who could that be?” Her mother sighed as if truly perplexed by the unknown caller. She scooped up the receiver from the turquoise phone on the end table. “Hello, Mercer residence.”
While her mother spoke on the phone, Valerie watched as her father looked Daniel over wordlessly, as if trying to assess if this boy was the type to walk out the door in the middle of a home-cooked meal.
Daniel thrust out his hand. “Mr. Mercer, it’s good to see you.”
Her father visibly relaxed, and he returned the handshake. “Pleasure’s all mine.” He nodded toward the window. “Do you kids have time for a picture?”
“Sure.” Daniel winked at Valerie. “Maybe even two.”
“Wait, not yet.” Her mother covered the mouthpiece of the phone even though her voice just became louder. “Valerie, it’s for you. It’s Aunt Linda!”
Valerie reluctantly accepted the phone from her mother. “Hello?”
“Well, doesn’t someone sound miserable,” her aunt said in her usual lilting voice. “And on such an important night too!”
“Aunt Linda, it’s just a gala. People are only going because there’s nothing else to do around here.”
“Just a... Oh, honey, that old saying’s true. Youth really is wasted on the young. You need to be happy, sweetheart. Men like being around happy women. And speaking of men, who’s this young man who’s escorting you to the dance?”
Valerie glanced at her date chatting amicably with her parents and swallowed back a just Daniel. “His name is Daniel Travato.” She twirled the spring-curled telephone cord around her finger. “We go to school together.”
“Very nice.” Her aunt laughed. “You know what will drive him wild? Dabbing a little perfume behind your ears and knees. Trust me, it works.”
Valerie pressed the receiver against her ear as hard as she could. The sharp backs of the pearl earrings she’d borrowed from her mother dug into her skin. She hoped the pain would distract her from the anger welling in her chest.
“Oh! And make sure you don’t talk about yourself too much. It’s poor manners. Like I’ve always said, you must retain your mystery.”
Valerie fought hard against the impulse to slam down the receiver and start screaming as loud as she could. She wanted so badly to tell her aunt everything was her fault and the world had been a b
etter place before she was led to believe she could ever actually have a satisfying relationship with someone she loved who loved her back. She wanted to yell everything you promised me was a lie, but knew her aunt wasn’t liable for how much she hated herself.
“And if you have to fix your hair, do it in the bathroom,” her aunt continued. “Absolutely no picking at yourself in front of your date or—”
“I think I’ll be okay.” Valerie’s face immediately grew hot. She hadn’t meant to sound so rude.
“Okay.” Her aunt sounded surprised. “I’m sure you will be.” An awkward pause followed. “Yes, of course you’ll be fine. Don’t listen to me. Just have fun tonight, okay? Promise me that.”
“I promise.” Valerie hung up the phone, wondering if she’d hurt her aunt’s feelings. Then she decided she didn’t care. After all, as far as she understood, nobody cared if they hurt her feelings. Still, part of her knew even that wasn’t true. Only Michael couldn’t care less if he rubbed her heart raw. That knowledge made her feel worse.
Her mother clapped her hands. “Picture time!”
Valerie and Daniel stood before the front window’s closed curtain after her mother quickly smoothed it out in an attempt to make it as wrinkle-free as possible. “I want one where he’s pinning the corsage on,” her mother announced, giddy with glee.
Daniel plucked the corsage—a single white rose—from the plastic box and stepped closer to Valerie. She could smell the subtleness of his cologne and feel his breath on her shoulder. His fingertips grazed her shoulder and the bare skin beneath the strap of her dress as he pinned on the flower, and she tried not to concentrate on the nearness of him.
He glanced into her eyes and blushed. “Sorry if I stick you.”
“You’re fine.”
There came a click from the camera, and her parents began discussing the next shot. Daniel took the opportunity to bend his head so his lips were near her ear. “You look so pretty tonight, Valerie. I mean it.”
Valerie tried to smile despite the screaming happening inside her head. “Thank you.” She then turned to her family. “I’m sorry, we have to go.”
She avoided her parents’ wounded eyes and Daniel’s confused expression as she picked up her gossamer shawl from the back of the couch. Her insides twisted with regret and she longed to take her words back. Still, she said nothing. She didn’t want to look at the photographs later and remember the evening as the night she almost cried for the camera.
