by Jaye Cox
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Upon waking I run to the bathroom. I really should not have eaten so much junk food, I hate being sick, that feeling is nasty.
Ty must hear me because he brings me a glass of water. I look up to grab the glass and holy hotness he is in boxer shorts. His tattoos are phenomenal and I take a mental note to ask him about them one day - looking at them it’s almost like they tell a story on his skin. I take the water and rinse my mouth.
"Thanks," I say.
"No worries, do you need anything else before I go back to sleep? I still have a few hours before I need to be up." I don't get a chance to answer before the water disagrees with me, he holds my hair back and even hands me a towel. When I’m done he helps me back to bed. I tell him I’ll be fine and that it was just all the junk food and stress of last night must have been too much.
I don't know how to start processing everything I found out last night, discovering everything was a lie, my whole relationship with Rayne was a lie and I was just a cover. I know our connection was real; you can't fake that kind of chemistry, but what I don't understand is why no one told me.
Would my knowing have made any difference? I would never have told anyone. I lie in bed all day and cry; I cry because I don't know what was truth and what was lie, I cry because I miss him, I cry because if I had not tried to drown myself, I never would have met Ty. And that makes me cry the most, because if they had told me the truth, Rayne and I would still be together, and that night would never have happened. Thinking that hurts Ty has been so good to me, I feel like I’m a shitty friend just thinking about the ‘what ifs’.
I lie in bed and twist the promise ring Rayne gave me. I’ve tried to take it off, same with the necklace he gave me, but I’m not ready to one hundred percent close the door on us, even though I know it’s over. For now I wear them as a reminder that our love was real, and the feelings were real. Even thinking his feelings for me were not real makes me cry, and I cry until late afternoon when I decide I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I’m going to cook a nice dinner for Ty as a thank you for everything. I wear my sweats to the shop, still not feeling the greatest, but a good meal should fix that. Once I'm there I realize I don’t know what his favourite meal is. With Tommy, I know his is steak and veggies. I decide on a roast; it can't be too hard to put it in a pan with some vegetables, right? I get almost everything I need besides the gravy. When I finally find where they were hiding it, I get chills down my spine and feel like I’m being watched. I turn to see if anyone is around, but no one is there, besides an older couple. I instantly text Tommy.
ME: I think someone’s watching me.
TOMMY: Why, where are you?
ME: At the shops down the road from my place.
TOMMY: Can you see anyone?
ME: Nope
TOMMY: I'm sure it’s nothing; can you get me some condoms while you’re there?
ME: You would think at 22 you could buy your own, and you have Natalie now.
TOMMY: She is studying, Bells... please?
ME: Fine, but one day you’ll have to buy them yourself.
TOMMY: Extra - extra-large, remember!
ME: In your dreams buddy, you forget you have been making me buy them for.... how long?
TOMMY: It’s because you love me, remember?...
ME: I’m still super pissed at you.
TOMMY: I will make everything right again between us I promise.
I don't reply, I feel better now after the texts and don't feel like I’m being watched anymore, and I go find his condoms so I can go home. Once I find them, the pregnancy tests catch my eye and I instantly try to remember when my last period was. I know it was before Sky Oaks and I was there for a month. I feel the blood drain from my face. I can't be, we were always careful; maybe it’s just late from the stress. I grab one anyway to ease my mind and go to the check out to pay for my stuff. I can't be pregnant, not now when I feel like I barely have a grip on my own life. How messed up would it be to bring a baby into the world? I will wait to freak out until I have to.
ME: Got your condoms.
TOMMY: Will be around shortly. I will grovel until I get your forgiveness.
I go home and put the roast in the oven, peel some potatoes and pumpkin and put them in as well. According to Google, it should take about two and a half hours, so I will put the other vegetables on just before its ready. I pull the dreaded test out of the bag and read the instructions; one line is negative and two is positive. I take one from the box and go to the bathroom, pee on it for five seconds and wait. I turn it upside down and hope it’s negative. After the longest three minutes of my life I take a deep breath and flip it over. Two lines are clearly visible. I sink down to the floor and cry. What the hell am I going to do now? I don't know how long I sit there crying when I hear the front door open.
"Honey, I'm home, I need my frangas," Tommy calls out.
"Dude - who calls them frangas anymore? And are you seriously making Bells buy them for you? That’s slack," Ty says.
"Bells - where are you?" Tommy calls out. I walk out into the kitchen and they both turn to look at me.
"What’s wrong?" Tommy says, rushing over to my side.
"Are you ok?" comes from Ty. I wipe my tears and try to find the words to tell them, but I just can't say it, so I put the test on the bench. Tommy looks at Ty, and then they both look at me.
Tommy hugs me and says “It’s okay, Bells."
"It’s not okay, how can I bring a baby in the world when a few weeks ago, I didn’t even want to be here? Now I’m having a baby by a man I’m no longer with - who treated me like a whore the last time he fucked me."
"He what?" says Ty. I tell them to sit on the couch and explain about that night. I tell them about seeing the text message from Kandi; about sneaking out on Tommy and seeing Rayne with that skank all over him, without him lifting a finger to try to stop her. I even give them the details about events in the room before I bumped into Ty.
“Oh god, Bells. If I had only known," Ty says.
“You couldn't have known, Ty." Tommy is very quiet and hasn’t said anything.
“If I see him again Bells, I will kill him." Tommy suddenly speaks up, and I can see the vein in his neck pulsating.
"Tommy, I think I understand why he did it, but realizing it’s the only possible night I could have gotten pregnant makes this whole situation so much worse."
“Stop making excuses for him, Bells! It’s all you’ve done since the day you met him," Tommy says, raising his voice a bit.
“Calm down, dude. I won't have you speaking to her like that in our house - best friend or not. Secondly you don't know Razor - if Rayne hadn't of done it then Razor would have - even against her will" Ty says.
"I'm going before I say things I can't take back, Bells. I will text you later," Tommy says as he gets up and walks out the door.
Tommy needs to calm down, Ty was simply stating facts, not trying to defend Rayne. I will talk to Tommy in private and let him know that this is isn’t him problem to fix this time it’s mine.
"It will be okay, Bells - no matter what you choose to do, I will be by your side," Ty says wiping away my tears.
"Thanks, you don't know how much that means."
"Now, what smells so good?"
"That is my attempt at cooking you a thank you dinner; be warned I cannot cook to save my life."
"Let’s go see, I will help you finish up." Ty helps me finish cooking dinner. It’s nice to have him around, he makes me feel calm. We eat and Ty tells me about his day. I can tell he wants to ask me something but doesn't know how.
"Out with it, I can tell you want to say something," I prompt him.
"I had a voicemail from Rayne today. He wants to see me, and with everything that’s happened today, I didn't know if you would be okay with that," he says, not looking at me.
"Ty, he is your brother; I would never want you not to have a relationship with him."
"What about
the baby, Bells? That changes everything."
"Can we just keep it between us for now, until I decide what I want to do? If he comes back into my life now, I don’t know if I can handle it. I’m barely keeping my head above water right now. I have an appointment with Phillip tomorrow and need to have the pregnancy confirmed by a doctor."
"I can do that, and I will tidy up in here before I go out," he promises.
"Thanks," I say, before going to my room. I really wish I knew what to do, I don't think I’m strong enough to be around Rayne and raise a child with him after all the lies, but then raising a child on my own seems selfish. I feel terrible that a little corner of me is happy a small part of him is growing inside me. After a few hours of staring at the ceiling, I decide I have to tell Rayne regardless. I feel he has a right to know and be part of the pregnancy. I dial his number and the longer it rings the more relieved I am that I can be a chicken shit, and just leave a voice mail.
"Hello," he says, just as I’m about to end the call. When I open my mouth to speak, nothing comes out. I forget how to speak just from the sound of his voice, and all the emotions and my feelings for him I’ve tried to bury decide to surface. The huge lump that has formed in my throat is overpowered by the sound of my heart beating so fast; I'm surprised I’m not hyperventilating. I try to breathe through the tears that are spilling down my face.
"Hello?" he says again. "Is that you, Tiny Dancer? If it’s you, please don’t hang up. I need you to know how sorry I am. I wish I could change everything, I wish I hadn’t destroyed you. Stay on the phone long enough for me to say sorry the only way I know how." I hear him start to play his guitar and I know I should hang up, but every fibre of my body wants to listen, is begging me to listen. I knew I wasn't strong enough to resist him. I put him on speakerphone and curl up to listen to the song.
"This song is called Sorry by Daughtry." I listen as he pours his heart out in this song, the words are so true it’s like he wrote the song just to sing in this very moment. I want to yell and scream, and him to tell me everything will be ok, but I still cannot speak. I just lie curled up in a ball and listen to his voice, because I know everything isn’t ok. We’re both messed up and together we we're the perfect mess. I miss it and I miss him, even though I know I’m not strong enough to go back to how things used to be, I don't know if I’m strong enough to stay away. Hopefully Phillip has some words of wisdom tomorrow, because I need someone to talk me into staying away - talk me out of running back to him.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Waiting to see Phillip in his office feels different from my time at Sky Oaks, so professional and all business. "Miss Preston, you can go in now," says the lady behind the desk so I walk in and this feels like Phillip, with his laid-back vibe.
"Isabella, good to see you again. You look good." he says as I walk in the door
"Thanks." I say before shutting the door.
"Take a seat and fill me in on what’s been happening since we last spoke." he says, pulling out his note pad. I don’t think he actually writes anything in it; in fact, I’m pretty sure he just doodles in it to make it look like he is doing something.
"Well, I moved into my own house with Ty and I love it."
"Ty is Rayne’s brother?" he asks, and I know he’s aware that they’re brothers. He just likes to weasel his way into my head.
"Yes, and before you say anything about me using him as a replacement for Rayne, it’s not like that, maybe the thought did cross my mind at first but now I know he is good for me," I say a little defensively.
"So you live with Ty, but what about Tommy and your father? How do they feel about it?"
"They’re both happy for me and my father really likes Ty, maybe because he knows as Rayne’s brother, he isn't on the ‘date his daughter’ list," I say and Phillip actually laughs.
"Tommy is a bit pissed off at the moment," I say.
"Why, what happened?" he prods, and now I think he’s just being nosy. I tell him it’s about the night I followed Rayne and everything that happened that night, since I just told Tommy about it for the first time last night.
"What made you want to tell him last night?"
“I found out I’m pregnant, he didn't understand how it could have happened, he knows I was always careful."
“How do you feel about being pregnant?"
“I’m not sure. I want to be happy I have a part of him growing inside me, but I don't know if I can handle him being around me, especially now I know the truth."
"The truth?" he asks. I tell him about Rayne being undercover and the rest of the band helping him with his cover, and that Tommy knew as well.
"Does knowing everything that happened that night, him being undercover, and the pregnancy on top of it, change how you feel?"
"I don't know - I love him still and knowing makes me want to run back to him. More so now I’m pregnant, but it doesn't change what happened and I’m scared I will go back and not be able to handle myself and a child deserves better than that."
"Have you told him you're pregnant?"
"Not yet, I tried to call him and when I heard his voice all the memories came back. I couldn’t speak, I was overwhelmed with emotions. Love, hate, sadness, regret. I keep wondering if it’s possible for us to move past this; if I can then we could be a family."
"Do you think maybe you owe it to yourself to hear him out and get some answers? Then maybe you could move forward, whether it’s as a couple or two people who have to raise a child together. Either way you might get closure."
"What if I take him back for all the wrong reasons? Just because I’m pregnant or because I still love him more than life itself, but if love is not enough anymore?"
"Maybe love is enough Isabella. When you love someone, you don't always do things that make sense. When you love someone you need to work on the relationship; it’s not always easy, but only you can make the decision on what is best for you." We talk about all the good things I liked about being with Rayne, and the bad. Could I forgive him for the lies, when they came from a good place and they were never intended to hurt me? Could I go back if I held any resentment towards Rayne, over what happened, if I knew the truth it would never have happened?
I tell him I don’t have any resentment; and that I have a bond with Ty I might not have had, and now I’m pregnant, which also may not have happened. Maybe it all happened for a reason, and I should hear Rayne out when I’m ready. Our time is up and I make another appointment to see him next week. He says he would like to see Rayne and I for a session as a couple, or just as parents to the baby, he thinks it could help us. I tell him I will think about it. I must admit he is good, in one session he has made me realize; even though bad things happened that night, a lot of good came from it as well. I can't take it back, so I try to concentrate on all the good. I also come to realize Rayne must feel a lot of guilt over that night and he needs to know so much good has happened to me since. He deserves to be free of the guilt; he is a good person, even if he doesn’t think he is. Walking back to my car I get that uneasy feeling I’m being watched again, but besides two other cars parked near mine the parking lot is empty. I must be imagining it.
I can't believe how hungry I am. I stop off to get subway and grab some for Ty as well. The mechanic he works for isn’t far from here and he might be able to stop for an early lunch. I pull up and they don't look too busy. When I walk up to a few guys standing around talking I hear one guy telling the others about how he got laid last night. I clear my throat and the three of them turn around, looking me up and down.
"I'm looking for Ty, is he around?" I ask.
"Hey Ty, your girlfriend’s here!" yells one of them.
"I don't have a girlfriend," Ty says as he walks out from inside the garage.
"Awe baby, that’s not what you said last night, after I was screaming your name," I say trying not to laugh. The thought of Ty and I together has never crossed my mind, but the look on the other guy’s faces is priceless.
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"Guys, this is Isabella, my housemate."
"So she isn't your girlfriend," says the better looking of the three.
"Don't even think about it, Rob. She isn't interested in guys like you," Ty says.
"Now my feelings are hurt, Ty. I'm a great catch," comes from the guy named Rob. Ty walks me back to my car.
"What brings you here, Bells?"
"I bought you some lunch." I hand him his sub. He grabs it, sits in the passenger seat and starts eating it.
"I also just came from my session with Phillip."
"How'd that go?"
"It was good, I realized I at least need to talk to Rayne and hear him out and make sure he has no guilt over that night. If it had never happened, I wouldn't have you and for that I’m not sorry. If Rayne and I are meant to be, we will work it out, if not, we have to both figure out how to co-parent. I have to keep the baby, I believe all this has happened for a reason," I say.
"So I get to be an uncle." I laugh that being an uncle is what he got from what I just said.
"Yes Ty, you get to be an uncle." He opens his door and yells out that he gets to be an uncle.
"Just don't tell anyone else, I have to do this and I have to start with Rayne. Do you know where he works? I need to just get it over with. If I leave it and stew over it, I will chicken out again. I need to know where he stands on being a dad so I can make plans."
"I will text you the address and I’m excited I’ll have a family again, I’m going to be the best damn uncle a child can have." He leans over to the driver’s seat, pokes my belly and really loudly he says, "You better be a boy, I don’t wanna be beating guys of you - especially if you are half as beautiful as your mum."
"Ouch, that hurts and half as beautiful? If it’s a she, then she’d be more beautiful than I am," I say.
