I swallowed hard, my dry throat making that a painful endeavor, and skimmed through the article. I stopped reading when my vision went blurry with unshed tears.
The last reminder was coming down.
That was a good thing.
So why did it hurt to breathe?
I clutched my chest, sucking in as much air as I could before blowing it out slowly to try and slow my racing heart. The tears didn't fall. I didn't let them. I'd worked hard to not let that day have power over me anymore and as soon as it was brought back up I went into full blown panic attack mode.
The last time this happened was when my publisher suggested I use it for a story. I'd walked out of the meeting as soon as my legs would cooperate.
Writing had been my therapy when I first got to L.A. But it'd also torn open every wound I had. Every wound except for that one. No, that was something I kept to myself.
A hand was on my back, rubbing up and down.
“You okay?” Amber asked.
Even Jay stopped his angry paper shuffling long enough to look concerned.
“Why are they doing this during the school year?”
“It's hard to get any construction done on schedule in the summer here when so many of the workers go north and they're wanting this done quickly and cheaply.”
I released my death grip on the arm of the chair slowly and looked to Amber. “I'll check in again tomorrow.”
She smiled, but Jay had gone back to his work by the time I left.
I headed straight for the day care. Declan would be there and Liam would be too since pre-school was in the morning. They'd gotten me through a lot over the last year when it seemed like the only thing that healed my broken heart was hugging my boys.
My phone buzzed when I pulled in to the parking lot.
Jamie: Cal, I need to see you.
I closed my eyes, leaning my head back. Don't do it, I told myself. Jamie was leaving and I couldn't let him take my heart with him. Not again. My boys needed the pieces that were left.
Me: No. I'm sorry, Jamie, but I have to do what's best for me and my boys. I don't think that is being around you. Good luck with everything. You deserve to be happy.
I put my phone in my purse and went inside.
Chapter Seven
Jamie:
I didn't know what I was doing there anymore. My platoon needed me. A cramp twisted my hand, reminding me that I couldn't go back.
I was rootless.
My phone was clutched in my good hand, Callie's text still lighting up the screen.
I thought I'd gotten over her years ago, and now, after seeing her for one day, I was back at the beginning. I was the fifteen-year-old boy who felt guilty for wanting his best friend's sister; the sixteen-year-old who loved nothing more than fighting with her; the seventeen-year-old who thought he had no chance; the eighteen-year-old who finally got her to love him back and then left her.
I was all of them and none of them. Those boys were fond memories, but I didn't always feel like they were a part of me anymore. I'd changed - and it wasn't just growing up.
I glanced down at the hands that used fit so perfectly around a gun – as if they'd been made for it. It felt natural. I'd been good - the best weapons expert and marksman in my company. Enemies were just targets. We were at war and I was a Ranger. Ranger's lead the way. Damn right we did.
Going into the army, I'd wanted to prove my dad wrong. Despite everything between us, I'd wanted him to be proud of me. Just once. The irony was that my missions were ones that even as a senator he couldn't know about. He'd never heard how good I was; the kind of soldier his disappointment of a son had grown into.
Maybe just making it into the Army Rangers was enough to make him see.
I doubted it.
And now he was gone. I was here in this God forsaken town.
Without him here it shouldn't have been so bad, but it was hard to see where I fit when the very people I was there to see didn't want me around.
I snapped myself out of it quickly, refusing to go down that road again. I'd grown up with no self-respect. The army changed that. You could take a soldier out of the army but you couldn't take the army out of a soldier.
I squared my shoulders and raised my chin, looking into the mirror. I pulled back on the fingers of my bad hand, stretching my wrist and gritting my teeth against the pain. None of them could know.
I slid a belt through the loops on my jeans, buckled it, and pulled on a pair of shoes.
A few minutes later, I was pulling up outside my brother's office and it was like stepping into the past. I could still see my father sitting behind his tall desk, a scowl firmly in place.
I didn't bother stopping at the receptionist's desk. She called after me, but I knew my way, guessing correctly that Jay had taken the large office I knew so well.
He was sitting at his desk, hunched over with his head in his hands. His dark hair was wild from his fingers that ran through it constantly.
At the wake the day before, he'd kept everything together so well, but I should have expected this. He'd been close with our father. It was one of the many issues between us. My fellow soldiers had been more brothers to me than the man in front of me, yet I felt this connection to him anyway.
I rapped my knuckles softly against the door. He looked up with red-rimmed eyes that didn't register my presence at first. Then he jerked back as if waking suddenly and straightened his ruffled clothes.
“Yes?” he snapped.
“Hey brother.” I gave him a tentative smile.
“Jamie.” He nodded.
“I was stopping by to see if you were free for dinner tonight. You know, to catch up.”
“I don't think so, no.” He turned to his computer and started typing, expecting me to leave.
Instead, I walked further into the room and took a seat. “Come on. It's been a long time.”
“Whose fault is that?”
I knew I was going to have to answer for that sooner or later. I opened my mouth to speak, but he started talking instead.
“It's an insult to dad's memory for you to have come.”
I clenched my fist at my side, willing myself to let him continue.
“He knew you hated him. You cutting me off doesn't matter, but disappearing from his life hurt him. I think you were the only thing that could ever hurt him.”
“How can you …” I stopped myself. “Jay, you know what that man was like to me.”
“Just go, Jamie. Leave. Again. Just like you are probably planning to do soon anyway. No one wants you here especially when you'll just cut us off again.”
“Jay -”
“You could have been dead!”
His words sent a chill through my bones. “They would have informed my family if I was dead.”
“That's not the point and you damn well know it. Just go back to your life. Make it easier on all of us. I don't need Callie worrying about you like she did for years or Colby asking if I'd heard from you every time I saw him. Dad wasn't the only one you hurt. Having you in our lives only makes them worse.”
“Is that how you really feel?” I tried to meet his eyes, but he refused.
“Please leave.”
His words swam through my mind, trying to latch onto my swirling emotions and failing. Disbelief clouded my thoughts. Jay had always been the most level-headed guy I knew. I'd been the volatile one in our relationship, always pushing him away. Sometimes you push too hard.
Jay's wife Amber stood outside the office, her face holding a sympathy I didn't deserve.
“Jamie,” she said, smiling slightly. “He doesn't know what he's saying. Your father's death has hit him really hard and today's been rough.”
“Nothing he said in there was wrong. Just because he wouldn't say it otherwise, doesn't mean he wouldn't think it.”
She pursed her lips, narrowing her eyes at me. “I don't know you.” She cocked her head to the side. “But I know my husband. That man is not him. Cont
rary to what he's said, he has missed you.”
I let out a sigh. “That's nice to say, Amber. But even if I believed it, it doesn't change anything.”
I walked outside, pulling out my phone as I did. There was one more person to see. My best friend.
Me: Hey man, you up for a drink tonight?
As I waited for a response, I went back to the hotel to start packing. I didn't know where I'd go. Maybe Tampa. There were a lot of ex-military men down there working for one of the government contractors in the area. It was a start.
By the time I decided to hit the sack, Colby hadn't responded. When I stopped even reading his emails or texts, it was because they usually contained some bit of information about his sister and how she was doing. I couldn't handle that and focus on my job. I needed to be free of her, of that life. Colby was just collateral damage.
That night, my familiar dream about Jessica trapped me, only this time it wasn't Jess's face that stared back at me as the combatant gripped the back of her head. It was Callie's.
Chapter Eight
Callie:
“I come bearing coffee!” Colby called, shouldering through the front door.
“Come on, bro.” I stuck my head out of the kitchen. “I haven't changed that much.”
“Right,” he laughed. “Jackson can just have yours then.”
I ran out, Liam right on my heels. “Colby McCoy, don't you dare. That boy does not need caffeine.”
“Gotcha.” Colby grinned.
I slugged him in the shoulder and took the bag of bagels from him as he bent to pick up Declan.
“Jacks,” I yelled. “Your bus will be outside any minute.”
“Can't uncle Colby take me?” he whined, appearing from his room.
“Sorry, bud. I have to get to work,” Colby answered.
“Lunch.” I handed Jackson a brown paper bag. “Backpack?”
“Right here.” The bus could be heard pulling up to the stop a few doors down.
“Bye, sweetie.” I kissed the top of his head and rushed him out, watching until he reached the bus. Turning back to my brother, I asked, “Just a drive-by then?”
“Sorry.” He shrugged, setting Declan back down and taking the bag to pull out a bagel. “They have me working crazy hours right now. I didn't get out of there until close to midnight last night.”
“That sucks.”
Liam and Declan, who had already eaten, went back to playing.
“Yeah, I just wanted to check in with you. This week is going to be nuts.” He sat down with a sigh. “I wish I could be around to help you settle in more.”
“We're fine.” I took my place beside him. “And we're here for good now so when the craziness is over, we'll be around.”
“I know.” He patted my hand with a smile. “Jamie texted me last night.”
“Oh?” I played with the hem of my shirt, hoping he bought the nonchalant act, because that was what it was. I hadn't been able to stop thinking about him since sending that text.
“He wanted to hang, but I didn't see it until it was too late and now I'll be busy all day today too.”
“Why do you think he's here?”
Colby looked at me in surprise. “His father just died.”
“But would he really take leave for that? I mean, he didn't exactly love the man.”
“No, but he loved his brother. He loved you.”
“And you,” I said, hoping to gloss over the last thing he said.
“I'm probably the one person he doesn't need to redeem himself with, so he definitely isn't here for me.”
“But he cut you out too. Why don't you hate him?”
Colby sighed, glancing down at the boys. “I guess I understand why he did it. He didn't stop responding to me until the email where I told him you were engaged and pregnant. I think that's when he decided to cut the cord to the past. You guys went through so much together. I guess he thought you'd be there when he was done finding himself.”
“Finding himself,” I snorted. “Whatever.”
“Anyway.” He pushed himself up from the couch. “I'll take Liam and Declan to day-care. Unlike Jackson's school, it's on my way.”
“Thanks.”
He scooped them up and was out the door a moment later.
I knew there was plenty in the house to get done, but there was somewhere I had to go. It was my last chance and I suddenly couldn't stand the thought of doing it alone. We'd gone through it together and when it should have torn us apart, it only made us stronger.
I grabbed my keys and was parked in front of Jamie's hotel ten minutes later. He walked out the front door with a duffle slung over his shoulder. He threw it into the back of an old ford truck and then opened the driver's side door.
He's leaving.
I was out of my car in a flash, marching his way.
“Jamie Daniels,” I barked. “Don't you dare get in that car.”
He froze, hand on the door-frame and turned his heated eyes on me. Something sparked in them and I was paralyzed.
His chin lifted stubbornly as he waited for me to speak.
“Please,” I managed to choke out.
He breathed slowly for a long moment before slamming the door and stalking towards me. His big, heavy steps sounded off the concrete, echoing my frantic heart. When he reached me, he didn't wait. I was pulled into his arms with such force it would've knocked me over without his steady arms holding me up.
He didn't kiss me and I was glad for that. I wouldn't have been able to take it. It was all I could do to not fall to pieces the moment he touched me.
Ten years.
Ten years of wanting, of not knowing, of worrying, all wrapped up in that moment. All wrapped up in three words.
“I missed you,” I said, my words muffled in his shirt.
He inhaled. “You smell hot.”
I laughed, pinching him in the side. “Leave it to you to ruin a moment.”
“Wouldn't want to disappoint.”
“You have never once disappointed me.”
“That's a nice thing to say.”
I knew that tone. He didn't believe me.
I pulled back, feeling the bulk of his muscles beneath my hands. “Are you leaving?”
He shrugged. “There's no reason for me to stay.” Those words cut deep, but they weren't without merit. Just last night I'd told him I couldn't see him. Maybe it hurt because when he'd left before, there had been reason for him to stay. No, nothing lasted at eighteen. For ten years, I'd been telling myself it was good he left. I wasn't going to change that now.
Stepping back from him, I looked up into his saddened face. “Will you go somewhere with me before you leave?”
He ran a hand through his hair, glancing towards his truck, then back at me. “Okay.”
We climbed into my car and he didn't even ask where we were going so I started talking. “They're tearing the old gym down.” I glanced sideways at him but his expression hadn't changed. “I couldn't go alone.”
A single nod was all I got until we pulled into the parking lot of our past, stopping right outside the doors that would take us into the gym.
Jamie didn't wait. He got out and I followed. A chill ran down my spine as we pulled the doors open. School was in session, but they were no longer using this gym. It sat abandoned and haunted. The electricity no longer worked, but large windows let in the morning sun, casting shadows across the large space.
The basketball hoops were gone, but other than that it looked the same. I looked to the right where the stage had stood during the dance. The bodies had been covered and left directly in front of it as they led us out.
Tears came, hot and unwelcome. I felt pressure on my hand and looked down to see Jamie intertwine his fingers with mine. “I don't want to be here,” he whispered.
It felt like a place one would whisper in reverence. I refused.
“Fuck you, Gulf City High Gym!” I yelled.
Jamie laughed, seemingly breaking another r
ule of this time and place. “That's quite the mouthful.”
“It sure made us grow up in a hurry, didn't it?”
He nodded, knowing exactly what I meant.
“Shit happens,” he said, leaning down to speak in my ear.
“Are you going to shovel it or bury yourself in it.” I laughed, wiping away tears at the same time. “I wish Morgan was here with us.”
“Her graduation speech is still the best speech I've ever heard and I'm in the military. They love to give speeches.”
“I doubt your officers are talking about shit.”
He barked out a laugh. “Definitely not.”
“Come on.” I tugged his hand, leading him across the gym to the back hallway.
During the shooting, we'd holed up with a number of other students in one of the locker rooms. They hadn't been able to find us to tell us it was secure for hours, leading them to dub us the missing nine. We were famous for about five seconds.
Now the locker room stood bare. The benches were still there, but the lockers had been ripped out. It was large and … empty.
My eyes watered again as the memories came flooding back.
We'd waited in the dark, not knowing what was going on out there.
The door slammed behind us and I jumped, remembering the sound of the gunshot piercing the silence. Our childhood had been shattered with that one act, our faith destroyed.
But we came out of it stronger. We no longer believed we were untouchable, nothing in life was. It was the biggest lesson of growing up. Bad things happen to everyone. You never really believed they would when tragedies were just news stories, far away. Then they hit home and everything changed.
I gave Jamie's hand a squeeze. We changed. It brought us closer, made our love more intense. After he left, I tried for a long time to figure out if I loved him so much only because of what we went through. I still didn't know the answer to that.
There was less light in here, only a few small windows, but we didn't need light to know every inch of the room that haunted our dreams.
“Still feels like it was yesterday, doesn't it?” I asked.
Jamie didn't answer. Instead, he said, “You know, I've been shot at more times than I can count. I've spent time in enemy controlled territories and had some pretty terrifying experiences. But, this.” He released my hand and sat down on the bench. “None of that affected me as much as this place did.”
We Thought We Knew It All (Invincible Book 2) Page 4
