by S. M. Shade
“It’s Queen Abby,” she announces.
She’s going to shoot me. The thought occurs to me that this is the second time I’ve had a gun pointed at me.
“Mandy.” I regard her, calmly.
“Her majesty remembers my name!”
“What are you doing? Who let you out?”
“Some ole man who thought I owed him somethin’ for jus’ turnin’ a key. I took care of him, and now it’s your turn. I’ve been waitin’ for ya to be alone. Where are your loyal subjects? Shouldn’t they be bowing before you? Scurryin’ to do your bidding? Where are your pussy whipped boys now, bitch?” she shouts.
The sun sinks behind her, blinding me. I know she’ll shoot me before I can pull the gun tucked in my waistband.
Airen suddenly steps between us, his gun pointed at her chest. “Drop it, Amanda,” he orders. How many times is this man going to stare down the barrel of a gun to save me? She laughs as if it’s the most amusing thing she’s ever seen, this standoff between survivors. I’m trying to stay calm and think, but I’m certain this isn’t going to end well.
“I don’t wanna kill ya, honey,” she drawls at Airen. “I got plans for ya.”
“Drop the fucking gun, or I’ll blow your brains all over this garden,” Airen warns, his voice deathly calm.
“Ah, ah, ah, Abby won’t like it if you fuck up her garden, and we all know you have to do what Abby wants, and Abby wants everythin’!” she rants, her voice rising. “You, Joseph, even Sara! Abby gets everythin’ that should be mine!” she screams, raising the gun higher.
Oh God, she’s going to shoot. I can’t just stand here and let her shoot him. Before either she or Airen can pull the trigger, a bang echoes through the woods, and Mandy’s eyes bulge grotesquely. Blood spills down the side of her face as she crumples to the ground.
Sara steps into our view and glances at Airen before her gaze settles on me. She looks so lost, staring at me with large, haunted eyes. “I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I can’t do this anymore.” She raises the revolver to her head and fires before we can even begin to react.
Someone is screaming. My hands clamp over my ears hard enough to hurt, but I can still hear it. I can’t seem to form a coherent thought. Is it Jayla? Did she witness it?
“Abby! Abby, stop!” Airen shakes me. “Shh, Abby.” He embraces me, pressing my face into his shirt, and the screaming ceases. My legs give out, and I sink down to my knees, taking him with me. I don’t know how long we remain there, kneeling and cradling one another. I can’t let go. His warm solid body is my only grip on reality. I’m vaguely aware of Julie covering the bodies with a plastic tarp.
After an eternity, Joseph crouches beside us and croons softly. “Please, come inside. It’s getting dark.” His face is streaked with tears, and his eyes are red when I look up at him, miserably.
“Sara,” I whisper.
“I know, love. There’s nothing you can do. Come inside, both of you,” he pleads, holding my hand, and taking Airen’s as we stand.
“Wait,” I caution. My feet are asleep from kneeling for such a long time.
“I’ve got you,” Airen murmurs and slips his arm around my waist. The three of us stumble inside like wounded soldiers returning from yet another battle, and Joseph leads us to the sofa in the living room.
“Where are the kids?” Airen asks.
“In the bedroom with Julie.”
“Did they see?”
“No, we just heard the shots. They don’t know what happened.” I know I should go to them and make sure they’re okay. I just can’t. I don’t have it in me. All I can see is Sara’s face, and the sorrow and hopelessness in her eyes no seventeen year old girl should ever know. She’s gone. This sweet, quiet girl with the shy smile must have been suffering far worse than we ever suspected. We failed her.
Airen must be blaming himself as well. He looks at Joseph. “I couldn’t stop her. There wasn’t time.”
“It’s not your fault, buddy. Don’t do that to yourself,” Joseph replies in a soft voice.
We sit in silence, Joseph on one side of me, and Airen on the other, my rocks.
“Why did she do it? Do you think it was guilt over shooting Mandy?” Airen asks.
“I think it was everything.” I sniff. “I think it was cumulative, all the terrible things that have happened since the plague just overwhelmed her. She was just a kid.”
Joseph gazes at us in confusion, and I realize he’s not really aware of what happened. He only heard the shots, and witnessed the aftermath.
“Mandy didn’t kill Sara. Sara shot herself after she killed Mandy,” Airen tells him.
Joseph pales and rests his head in his hands. “That poor girl.” I rub his back, but I don’t speak. There isn’t anything I can say to make this better. We remain there together, rarely talking, until late. Julie has fed the kids and sent them to bed.
“You should all go to bed too,” she advises. “You’re in shock, and tomorrow is going to be a hard day.”
“I’ll never sleep,” I protest. She brings us each a bottle of water and a small blue pill.
“It’s Valium. Take it. Doctor’s orders.”
We acquiesce. I glance back at Joseph anxiously when Airen and I start toward the bedroom, and Julie catches the concern on my face. “I’ll stay with him,” she promises.
“Thank you. Are you okay, Julie?”
“Yes, I didn’t know Sara as well as you, dear, but I was fond of her.” She hugs me, and I’m fighting back tears again. “Everything will be okay, but it will take some time.”
I hug Joseph good night and follow Airen to our room. Though I don’t have blood on me, I still feel dirty. “Shower?” I suggest, and he nods. The water is room temperature, but it feels lovely after the heat of the day. Shit, the heat. The bodies. I quickly attempt to squash that thought. I just can’t handle it at the moment. Airen washes my hair, and I wash his chest and back. We go slowly. It’s not sexual, only comforting. After toweling off, we crawl into bed naked, and I pull the sheet over us. It’s been one of the longest, most devastating days I can recall.
I lie with my head nestled in the crook of his shoulder. He kisses my head and keeps his face buried in my hair as he caresses my belly. I can feel the Valium starting to affect me, numbing and separating me from the pain. We lie there in silence, skin to skin, finding solace in one another as we drift off.
The sun is barely up when my eyes snap open. I was dreaming...something, but it’s gone. Probably a good thing since I doubt it was pleasant. I know I’ll never fall back to sleep, but I don’t want to get up yet. The events of the night before replay in my mind, and I only want to be close to the man I love. He’s warm, and he smells good. I cuddle closer to him and try not to think. We have to bury them. Sara, anyway, we can toss Mandy to the side of the road. It’s better than the bitch deserves.
Airen runs his fingers lightly through my hair, and my eyes close in response. “Are you okay, sweetheart?” he murmurs.
“Better than last night.”
“Me too. It feels like it was a nightmare, like it didn’t really happen.”
“We have to tell the kids.”
“I know.”
“We have to bury her.”
“We will, don’t worry.”
Julie has biscuits baking in the oven, and is placing a bowl of gravy on the table when we join her in the kitchen.
“Comfort food,” she explains with a sad smile.
“Thank you. How is Joseph?” Airen asks.
“He’s doing better this morning. He’s talking to Walker right now.”
“Carson and Jayla?” I ask.
“Still asleep.”
“Let them sleep,” Airen advises. “It’s going to be a long day.”
We can hear Walker crying and Joseph speaking softly, trying to soothe him. God, how do you tell a six year old something like that? Sadly, it’s far from the first death he’s had to deal with, and my heart breaks for him. Carson is go
ing to be so upset, and Jayla will be devastated.
“I’ll be back.” Airen leaves abruptly, the front door slamming behind him.
Julie grasps my shoulder as I start after him. “Let him go, dear.” We hear the truck start and the gravel crunch when he pulls out of the driveway. He’s out of sight by the time I make it outside.
“He took Mandy’s body,” I announce. When he returns half an hour later he goes straight to the shower. He’s got a look on his face that clearly states, “Don’t fuck with me”.
“Are you all right?” I ask.
He snatches a towel and dries his hair. “Fine,” he replies, stiffly. I recognize this reaction. Sometimes it’s easier to be angry.
“You can be as pissed as you need to be, Airen, but not while we tell the kids. They’re awake.” He sighs so hard I can feel his heartbreak. He struggles to bring his emotions under control before finally nodding. “What did you do with her body?”
“I disposed of it.”
“Where?”
“What fucking difference does it make, Abby?” he snaps.
I bite my lip. “You’re right. It doesn’t matter. I’m sorry.”
I’m pulled hard into his embrace, and I hold onto him for dear life. “Me too, darlin’.”
“Joseph told Walker that Mandy and Sara shot each other. He couldn’t tell him Sara committed suicide.”
“Good, I think we should tell Carson and Jayla the same story. We don’t want them to think badly of her, or worse, follow her example.” He shudders and releases me from his embrace. “Are you ready?”
“No, but let’s go.”
“What the hell is going on?” Carson demands as we walk in the room.
“Calm down. We have to talk to you both,” I reply.
“Where is Sara? Did Mandy shoot her?” Carson continues.
“Yes,” Airen answers, bluntly.
“No!” Jayla cries, staring at me in terror.
“She’s gone, honey. I’m so sorry.” I can’t keep the tears from running down my face. I hold Jayla tight while she sobs for her friend. A devastating range of emotions cross Carson’s face. Shock, anger, fear, and sorrow surge through him, and he storms out of the room.
“Carson!”
Airen grabs my arm. “I’ll go talk to him.”
I comfort Jayla the best I can, and we talk for an hour or so before I leave her and Julie in the kitchen to search for Carson. He’s sitting on the porch with Joseph on one side of him and Airen on the other. Walker plays in the sandbox just outside. Someone has moved Sara’s body out of sight and washed away the blood.
“Is everything okay?” I ask tentatively. Airen nods at me.
“We have to have a funeral,” Carson insists.
“We will,” Joseph replies.
“We’ll bury her by our picnic spot,” Airen assures him.
He nods. “How is Jayla?”
“Sad, but she’ll be okay.”
“I’m going to talk to her,” he says, heading indoors.
After he’s out of earshot, Airen explains there is already a grave prepared near our picnic area. “I thought we’d need a place to bury Mandy when I dug it, but it’s pretty there. We can’t wait long,” he warns, staring me in the eye.
“This afternoon?” I suggest, and they agree.
“Airen and I will get her there. You just bring the kids,” Joseph says.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you guys.” I kiss them both on the cheek and go to fetch a blanket to wrap Sara in.
“Meet us in an hour,” Airen says, as I hand him the soft quilt, and hug him before they take her away. I don’t think I could do it.
Julie and I lead Jayla, Carson, and Walker down the trail to the picnic area that will now be a grave site. Joseph sits on one of the logs, lost in thought while Airen leans against a tree, arms crossed.
“How are we going to do this? I don’t know what to say,” Airen whispers, fear shining in his dark eyes.
“We can all say something nice about her. Don’t worry.” I catch his rough hand in mine and squeeze.
The kids settle on the log with Joseph, purposely avoiding the grave on the edge of the clearing. My morbid curiosity gets the upper hand, however, and I peek over the edge of the hole. She’s shrouded in the quilt, and they have covered her in layers of wild flowers. I’ve tried not to cry. I don’t want the kids to see, but the sight of the flowers sends tears down my face again.
“It’s time to say goodbye to Sara,” I announce quietly. All eyes are suddenly on me. “She was a sweet, kind child, and I’ll always remember her smile.” I gaze into the grave. “Goodbye, honey, we’ll miss you.” I glance at Jayla, who is wiping her eyes. “Do you want to say something?”
She nods and joins me. “Sara was my best friend. We were going to travel someday and see the ocean and mountains,” she sobs. “I’m sorry, Sara. I love you, and I’ll miss you so much.”
I hug her, and she calms down as Walker speaks up.
“Sara always plays cars with me and reads stories with funny voices. She’s nice to me,” he says with a sunny smile.
Carson looks uncomfortable as he begins. “Goodbye Sara. I don’t know why this had to happen to you when you were always nice to everyone.” His voice is barely audible.
“I’m sorry I ever let Mandy anywhere near you. I hope you’re at peace now,” Airen voices huskily.
Joseph takes Walker’s hand. “We’ll miss you, honey. You’ll always be in our hearts, and we’ll cherish the time we had with you.”
“I’m sorry we had such little time to get to know each other,” Julie says. “Rest in peace, dear.”
“You should take the kids back while we fill it in,” murmurs Joseph.
I nod and accompany them back to the house. I can’t imagine how hard it will be for them to cover her with dirt and leave her there. The thought haunts me until I decide to go back.
“Julie, will you keep an eye on the kids for me? I want to go check on them.”
“Sure, take your time.”
I’ve never walked this path alone, and it’s a little creepy given the circumstances. Another death. There has been so much death. We’re immersed in it. When will it end? It seems like we move from one tragedy to the next, always trying to cope. I know plenty of good things have happened to us, but it’s hard to stay positive when everything can fall apart in an instant. We’re constantly teetering on the brink and holding our breath, hoping for the best.
They’re shifting the last few shovelfuls of earth when I reach the clearing. They both have their shirts off, sweat running in rivulets down their backs.
Joseph tosses the last load and pats it down with the back of the shovel. “I’m going to the stream. My hands are bleeding,” he mumbles and walks away.
Airen hasn’t noticed me yet. He sits down heavily at the edge of the grave and moans, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I should’ve killed her right away. You would still be here, not paying for my mistake.” I swallow hard. He’s blaming himself. “You shouldn’t have had to shoot her. You sure as hell didn’t have to shoot yourself!” he shouts. He runs his hands through his hair and wipes his eyes, hanging his head.
“Air.” His head jerks up in alarm. “Everyone is fine,” I assure him, holding up my hands. When I sit beside him, he rests his head on my shoulder. “I thought you might need me.”
“I do.”
We remain by her grave, silent, until Joseph returns. “It’s getting dark. We should go home,” he suggests.
“It seems wrong to leave her here alone,” Airen laments.
“I know, but we aren’t, Air. She’s gone,” I whisper, embracing him.
He stands up, and we all start down the trail towards home. It’s dark when we finally arrive.
Walker comes tearing out the front door as we approach and looks around. “You left Sara in the woods?” he accuses. The look of dismay on Joseph’s face tears at my heart. Walker doesn’t understand.
“May
I?” I ask.
“We’ll be inside,” Joseph replies miserably.
“Sit with me, sweetie.” I pat the step beside me, and Walker takes a seat. “Daddy told you what happened to Sara, didn’t he?”
“Mandy shot her so she has to go to an afterlife, but you said she was at our picnic spot.” His little face is pinched up in confusion.
“Everyone has different ideas of what happens to us when we die. Would you like to know where I think Sara is now?” I brush his hair from his forehead, and he nods, staring up at me with those pale green eyes, so like Joseph’s. “Look around you. Do you see how beautiful everything is? The trees, the grass, and the flowers? I think Sara is a part of everything now.”
“How?” he squeaks.
“Do you know what you’re made of?”
“Um...skin? Blood and guts?” he replies uncertainly.
“And what are they made of?” He puzzles over it for a moment and shrugs. “We’re all made of tiny little things called atoms. All of the trees, dirt, everything you see around you and things you can’t see as well, like the air that you’re breathing, are all made up of atoms.”
“So Sara is made of atoms too?”
“Yes. Look up at all those amazing stars in the sky. They’re made from the same tiny little miracles we’re made of. You’re made of the same thing as those stars. We’re all stardust.” I smile at him.
Wonder softens his face as he gazes at the night sky. “I’m made of stardust,” he whispers with a small smile.
“When we die, our bodies turn back into stardust, so that we’re a part of everything, forever, but we can’t come back to our bodies anymore, Walker. Sara can’t come back. Do you understand?”
“She can’t come back to her body. She has to be a part of the stars.” He sniffs and stares at his feet.
“It’s okay to be sad and to miss her, sweetie. We all do, but she isn’t alone or afraid.”
