“I am telling you the truth. I met Eric in Oxford. We fell in love. We want to get married.”
“Why would the prince of doggy-land want to marry you? You’re just a poor Welsh boy.”
“It’s Doggerland, Mother, not doggy-land. And fairy tales do happen, you know. I went to Doggerland last week. To meet the king and queen.”
“The king and queen?”
“Eric’s parents, Ma. Keep up. We want to get married, but Eric needs the permission of the king and the prime minister to do so. The king says he wants to meet you before he can make a decision.”
She stared at me, still wondering whether or not to take me seriously.
“You’re serious, aren’t you?”
“Yes, I’m serious. Why do you think I came all the way back to Wales to tell you this? This is serious, Ma.”
A look of horror suddenly came over her. “Well, I can’t meet the king of Doggerland, Joel! He’ll run a mile if he sees me! I’ll ruin everything for you!” She reached for the pills again, but I grabbed her hands and stopped her.
“You won’t ruin anything, Ma. We’ll prepare you for that meeting, Eric and I. It’ll be fine.”
She wasn’t convinced. “What will I wear? I have nothing to wear!”
“We’ll buy you something. Eric and I will buy you something.”
She wasn’t listening. “I’m going to call the CMS!” She jumped off the couch and headed for the phone. “Your father still hasn’t paid me the money he owes me. Can you believe it? He put the salon under his girlfriend’s name so that they wouldn’t be able to touch his money.”
“Ma, sit down.”
She picked up the horn and started dialling, but I jumped off the couch and grabbed it away from her. “Stop it, Ma! We don’t need Dad. We’ll look after you. Me and Eric. We’ll look after you the way you’ve never been looked after before.”
And so, at the end of Hilary term, Eric and I drove down to Wales in his BMW. I was nervous. More nervous than when I met the king and queen. Eric, on the other hand, was cheerfully tapping his fingers against the steering wheel, humming along to the easy listening music playing on the car radio. Poor guy. He didn’t know what he was letting himself in for.
Throughout the long drive, I had a premonition that the day would end in disaster. The closer we got to Tonypandy, the more the butterflies in my stomach fluttered their wings.
My mother appeared in the doorway as we approached. Her eyelids were drooping, and her movements were slow. She had obviously overdosed on tranquilizers. She greeted me with a hug and Eric with a smile and a handshake (and not with a curtsy, as I’d feared). She wore a mauve twinset, which I’d never seen before, and matching skirt and shoes. Her hair was bouffant, and her roots had been coloured. She looked surprisingly elegant and dignified. But then she turned around to usher us into the living room, and I saw a price tag sticking out of her cardigan. Oh my God, she’s nicked it! I thought. I rushed towards her and quickly tucked the tag in before Eric saw it.
“I have some champagne!” my mother said. She swayed as she entered the house and headed for the table. “I think an occasion like this calls for champagne, don’t you?”
She was slurring her words. Eric darted me a glance.
“Joel’s never brought one of his blokes to meet me before.” She picked up the bottle, which had already been opened, and started pouring the drinks. Her hand shook as she filled the glasses. “This one’s for you.”
She held a glass out to Eric. It was filled to the brim, and the champagne spilled onto the floor. She didn’t notice.
Eric carefully took the glass from her. “Thank you.”
“And this one’s for you, Joel.”
I rushed towards the table and grabbed the glass before she spilled any more of it.
“Joel and Eric,” she said, looking at us and smiling. “Who’d’ve thought it, eh? Prince Eric. Like in that film we used to watch. Do you remember, Joel? About the little mermaid? How you loved that film. Kept singing that song, didn’t you? I wanna be part of that world. Well, you’re part of that world now, aren’t you? And you got a Prince Eric of your own.”
Her voice cracked, and tears welled in her eyes. She took a large gulp to stop herself from crying.
I stepped towards her and whispered, “I’m not sure you should be drinking with your medication.”
She pushed me away. “Of course I should have champagne on an occasion like this!” She spoke a little louder than I would’ve liked. “Well, sit down, dears. Sit down. We don’t stand on ceremony here.”
Eric and I took our seats on the couch, and my mother pulled out a chair from the dining table.
“You look lovely,” I said to her.
“Thank you. I’m glad you noticed. I got meself a new outfit especially.”
“Where did you get it from?”
“Where do you think I got it from?”
“You didn’t nick it, did you?” I smiled when I said this, but I wasn’t joking.
She gasped. “Nick it? What do you mean, nick it?” She turned towards Eric and laughed. “What is he like! Trying to show me up in his front of his new bloke.”
“Well, where did you get it from?” I asked.
“I bought it at M&S, of course.”
“Really? M&S? Since when do you have enough money to buy clothes at M&S?”
“I got paid, didn’t I?”
“Paid?”
“Yes. The CMS finally got your father to part with his money.”
“How did they manage that?”
“It weren’t them. It was me. I talked to him.”
“Talked to who?”
“To your father. I explained the situation. I told him you were seeing the prince of… um…”
I was afraid she was going to say doggy-land and braced myself for the embarrassing blunder, but, credit where it’s due, she got it right.
“The prince of Doggerland. And I told him you were bringing him over to meet me at Easter. He didn’t believe me at first. Called me a ridiculous, lying cow. But then I sent him those photographs you gave me and told him to look Eric up on Wikileaks” (she meant Wikipedia) “and what do you know? Next day, he called me back, sweet as a kitten. Said I should get meself a nice outfit with his money. And buy some champagne. That was his idea, that was. Oh yes, he completely changed his tune when he discovered that you’d struck it rich.”
I winced when she said that and threw Eric a quick glance. He was sitting up, wide eyed, watching the proceedings as though he was watching one of his documentaries about the hoipolloi.
“He said he might even pop over today and meet Prince Eric himself.”
I jolted in my seat. “He said what!”
“He could be here any second.”
I went towards her. “Mum, we need to talk.” I grabbed her arm, but she yanked it back.
“What are you doing!”
“I want to talk to you. Come with me to the hallway.”
“And leave Eric here all alone? Don’t be so unwelcoming, Joel!”
“Mum!”
This did the trick. She sighed and stood up. “Pardon us, Eric. We’re just gonna go powder our noses. We’ll be back in a jiffy,” and she followed me into the hallway.
“How could you have told Dad about Eric?”
She looked at me, confused. “Why shouldn’t I have?”
“I thought we decided we didn’t want anything to do with him anymore.”
“He’s still your dad, Joel.”
“Dad’s not supposed to know! I told the king that he was dead.”
“Your dad’s not dead.”
“Why did you do it, Ma? Dad’s never been interested in us.”
“I needed the money, Joel. I had nothing to wear. I saw no other way of making him pay.”
“He’s going to ruin everything!”
At that point, I heard his motorbike shriek to a halt in the driveway.
“Well, it’s too late now,” my mother
said. “He’s here.”
She opened the door.
My father was outside, eyeing up Eric’s BMW. He let out a long, low whistle.
“Well, well, well. Who’d have thunk it?” There was a greedy, sleazy, opportunistic look on his face that made my stomach churn. “Our Joel with the crown prince of whatsitsname.”
“You’re not welcome here,” I said.
He finally turned away from the car and looked at me. “Not welcome to my own son’s engagement party?”
“Since when am I your son? You can’t pick and choose the times that you want to act like a father.”
“Don’t be like that, boy. ’ere, I got you something.” He retrieved a small jewellery box from his pocket. “Wedding rings,” he said, smiling proudly. “These were your grandparents’. Real gold, they are. Where’s your fella? I’ll show them to you both.”
He approached the door, but I blocked him. “You’re not coming in, Dad.”
“Come on, son.” He put his hand on my side and tried pushing past me, but I stood my ground. “Why are you being like that? I only want to meet your fellow. Haven’t I got the right to meet my future son-in-law?”
“No, you have not!” I was trembling with anger. I don’t know why I lost it. Maybe it’s because he started talking about his rights. “You have no rights, Dad! You lost your rights when you walked out on us!”
I tried pushing him out of the doorway, but he pushed back, and he was stronger than me. Tears of frustration welled up inside me. I quickly gave up the struggle and rushed back into the living room before my father could see me cry.
“We’re leaving!” I said to Eric. I was struggling to control my trembling. My fists were clenched. My fingernails were digging into my palms.
“Where are we going?”
“Out of here! Come on, hurry up!”
“But what about your parents?”
“They’ve blown it! It’s over!”
I couldn’t help myself anymore, and tears flooded out of my eyes.
“Hey, what’s the matter?” Eric got up, walked towards me, and put his arms around me.
The living-room door swung open at that moment. My parents stood in the doorway, looking at us. They looked uncomfortable. My mother was shaken by my outburst, and my father… well, I guess he wasn’t used to seeing two guys cuddling each other.
I wiped my tears with one hand and grabbed Eric’s arm with the other. “Come on, we’re off.” I pulled Eric out of the house and into the car.
It was ten minutes before anyone spoke.
“Where are we going?” Eric had driven out of Parry Street back onto the main road and kept driving until he finally realised he didn’t know where he was going.
“Let’s go back to Oxford,” I said. I rested my head against the window and stared ahead of me, afraid that I’d break into tears if I said anything more.
“It’s Easter tomorrow. We can’t leave your mother on her own on Easter.”
“I don’t care.”
“Is there a hotel around here?”
“There’s one on the way to Cardiff.”
There was a short pause before Eric spoke again.
“So, what happened back there?”
“What do you mean what happened back there? My father showed up!”
“So?”
“What do you mean so? You saw him! You saw what he’s like!”
“Actually, I didn’t. I never got to meet him.”
“It’s impossible, Eric. I can’t marry you. My parents will ruin everything.”
“I don’t understand.”
“What don’t you understand? How can I possibly become part of the royal family? You’ve seen where I come from. You’ve seen my mother.”
“I liked your mother.”
“She was drunk and completely doped.”
“I liked her.”
“And then there’s my father.”
“I never got to meet your father.”
“He only came to see how he can profit from his royal connection. He’ll go to the press, I’m sure of it. He’ll make up lies and scandals and anything he can think of to make money out of us!”
“So, I’ll get Christian to write up another confidentiality agreement. Offer him some money to sign it.”
“No!”
“That way, if he goes to the press, we can sue. We’ll sue him for everything he’s got.”
“No, Eric! No! We’re not paying my father a single penny! We’re not even going to get married. It’s impossible. I’m sorry. I should never have led you on.”
“So, what am I going to do?”
“You can marry somebody else.”
“I don’t want anybody else. I’ll refuse the crown if we don’t marry. Let my sister become monarch.”
“Don’t do that.”
“I’m not becoming king without you, Joel.”
There was another short pause.
“The hotel is to your right.”
Eric stared with disgust at the flashing sign. “That looks like a cheap roadside motel!”
“This is Tonypandy, Eric. There’s no Hilton here.”
Eric was huddled before the mini fridge.
“It’s empty,” he said. “It’s not even switched on. What’s the point of having a fridge in your room if it’s not even switched on?”
I didn’t reply. I just plunged myself onto the bed and closed my eyes.
“I was looking for a bottle of champagne,” Eric said. “Maybe I can have one brought up.”
“Why do you want champagne?”
“Because we’re engaged, that’s why. I’ll call the desk. Get them to send a man up.”
“There’s no room service here. It’s a motel. And even if there was, I doubt they’d have champagne. And we’re not engaged.”
Eric closed the fridge and stood up. He stared at me for a while.
“I’m hungry,” he said. “There isn’t even a bag of roasted peanuts in the fridge. Maybe we should go back to your mother’s.”
“The takeaway is open. We can get fish and chips.”
“I don’t like the way you batter your cods in this country. It takes away all the flavour.”
“Well, that’s all there is.”
“I thought your mother said she had some lunch meats in the fridge.”
“She has a turkey, and that’s for tomorrow.”
“I thought we weren’t going back tomorrow.”
“For fuck’s sake, Eric! Stop acting like a spoiled brat, will you!”
Eric looked at me like a chastened child. “You think I’m a spoiled brat?”
“You are a little.”
“Because I don’t like battered cod?”
“You’re arrogant sometimes, Eric. You have these little arrogant mannerisms that annoy me. Like shooing away people when you no longer need them.”
“What do you mean?”
“You shoo away waiters, Eric. Like this.” I showed him the hand gesture.
“That’s just to let them know I’ve finished with my order.”
“It’s arrogant.”
He sat down beside me on the bed, put my feet on his lap, and began massaging them. “You really are a sour puss today, aren’t you? I don’t know you like this.”
“You don’t know me at all.”
“I know that I love you.”
I frowned. “That doesn’t mean anything.”
“You don’t think I love you?”
“Love isn’t the point. You can love me without marrying me. Your father was right about that. You don’t need love. What you need standing by your side is someone from a good family. Somebody ordinary people look up to. Somebody they can respect.”
Eric shook his head. “You’re wrong.”
“If you marry me, the press will dig up every bit of dirt that they can find about my family. And there’s a lot of dirt out there. You don’t know the half of it.”
“So, tell me.”
“I don’t
even know where to begin.”
“You can start with your father.”
“He’s a selfish bastard. Abandoned my mother at the time when our house was being repossessed and we were threatened with homelessness. He inherited a lot of money when my grandmother died. Can you believe it? They’ve been poor all their lives, but when my grandmother died, they found fifty thousand pounds shoved in her mattress! Nobody knows where that money came from. But my father spent it on his new girlfriend, Mandy. He bought a hair salon for her. When my mother chased him for alimony, he put the salon in his girlfriend’s name, so that they couldn’t get at his money. He’s a nasty piece of work. I tell you, the Doggerlanders will hate me. And they’ll hate you for marrying someone who’s beneath you.”
“You’re not beneath me.”
“There’s a good reason why royals marry royals. People don’t like it when a commoner gets elevated to nobility. They become jealous and snide, and they do all they can to bring them down.”
“Rubbish!”
“It’s not rubbish. My father is a drunkard! A greedy, money-grabbing opportunist! And my mother is a drug fiend. A wreck. A social pariah.”
“Don’t talk about your parents like that.”
“Why not? It’s true. That’s my family. That’s where I come from. I hate my parents. I mean, I love my mother, but I hate her as well. What have I done to deserve parents like that? I have nothing in common with them. Nothing at all. Even the way I talk is different. I’ve always spoken like this. This isn’t the result of elocution lessons, or some affectation I acquired after moving to Oxford. I’ve always spoken like this. My father used to tell me off for speaking posh. He was embarrassed by me. I swear, I’ve no idea how I got to be involved with that lot. I don’t belong in Tonypandy. I really don’t.”
“This is what we’ll do.” Eric brushed my feet off his lap, got off the bed, and started pacing the room. “We’ll celebrate Easter with your mother tomorrow. Then, when we get back to Oxford, I’ll get Christian to write up that confidentiality agreement and offer it to your father.”
“No!”
“We’ll offer him a small inducement. Ten thousand pounds should do the trick.”
“Ten thousand pounds!”
You or No One Page 8
