by Paul Bellow
“This is ridiculous,” I said.
“But so funny…”
I shook my head then went back down the stairs. The city of Thunderbone spread out before me. Awestruck, I headed down the main road. Shops lined both side of the road.
“There’s a magic shop, but they look expensive,” I said.
“You say that about all the shops,” Tabby said. “You just want to steal again.”
“Quiet...”
I glanced around to make sure no one had heard her. Various NPCs walked around, going about their business as if their lives were real.
“We need to find a map,” I muttered.
“Did you say map?” a man behind me asked.
I turned and saw a tall human with a bunch of rolled up parchments under his left arm.
“Maybe,” I said. “What do you have?”
“Well, ma’am…”
Tabby burst into laughter.
“Is your cat okay?” the man asked.
“She’s fine,” I said. “Catnip withdrawal.”
“I know where you can buy some of that too,” he said.
Tabby stood on all four feet and meowed plaintively.
“What kind of maps do you have?” I asked.
All roguelikes were procedurally generated, but he might have something useful.
“I have all kinds of maps,” he said.
“Like what?” I asked impatiently.
“A map of Thunderbone. That’s popular.”
“Not interested,” I said. “Thanks anyway.”
“Wait,” the man said. “I have another map, a special one.”
“Oh?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah,” he said. “It’s to a secret graveyard.”
“No thanks,” I said. “Let’s go, Tabby.”
“You’re not interested in ghosts and the treasures they have?” the man asked.
Was he selling a map to player character ghosts?
“Go on,” I said.
“The graveyard is full of ghosts of other adventurers like you.”
I smiled at the thought of getting some of my old character’s equipment. Even better, what if I found items from an even higher-level player?
“How much for the map?” I asked.
“Only a million gold,” the man said.
I laughed, shaking my head.
“Not going to happen,” I said. “Even if I had that much gold on me.”
“What about the catnip?” Tabby asked.
“I’ll throw in the catnip free if you buy the map,” the man offered.
“Let me see the map,” I said, holding out a hand.
He unfurled one of the parchments. I saw a detailed hand-drawn map of a long, winding tunnel that led to a cavern marked up with a bunch of tombstones.
“That doesn’t even show how to get there,” I said. “No deal.”
“It’s not a perfect map, but when you get close, the paper will glow.”
“Sure…” I said, not believing him for a moment. “Go con someone else.”
“Test it,” the man said.
“If I waste a Scroll of Identify on it, I want that included in the price.”
“Fine,” the man said, “but hurry up.”
He nervously glanced around.
I read the Scroll of Identify. The map glowed.
Unique Item: Map to Graveyard
This magical map will show you the location of The Graveyard somewhere between level thirty-five and level forty of the dungeon.
When within 100’ of the tunnel leading to The Graveyard, the map will glow. It will get brighter the closer you are to the entrance.
“Well?” the man asked.
“I’ll take it, but you need to give me time to sell some items,” I said.
The man smiled.
“What items? Maybe we can trade.”
“Do you have somewhere we can go?” I asked.
“Of course,” he said. “Follow me.”
He turned then headed down a nearby alley. I started removing items from my new Bag of Holding as I walked. The man’s eyes lit up as he saw some of the items I took out. We stopped at the end of a dark alley.
“I’ll take it all and the backpack,” the man said.
“And we get the catnip?” Tabby asked.
The man nodded, a smile etched on his dirt-covered face.
“All the catnip you want,” he said.
I laughed. “She can go through a lot of it.”
“You can have all of it,” the man said. “Do we have a deal?”
I took a deep breath. Chasing a player ghost wouldn’t be easy, but it might equip me well enough to reach the last level of the dungeon. Was it worth all the random treasure?
“Deal,” I said.
The man passed me the map as I dropped the Bag of Holding. Most of my good stuff was in my backpack anyway.
“Pleasure doing business with you,” the man said.
I unrolled the map as he packed up the items I’d taken out.
“What about the catnip?” Tabby asked.
“Follow me,” the man said then hefted the Bag of Holding over a shoulder.
He continued down the alley. I rolled up the map then followed after him and Tabby. Her catnip addiction would get us in trouble eventually.
* * * * *
“Thanks again,” I said to the man when we reached his home on the edge of the city. “For everything.”
In addition to the map to the graveyard level, he’d told us how to get to the next level of the dungeon. The stairs down were hidden in the basement of a dilapidated temple.
“No problem,” the man said. “I’m happy to help.”
“Catnip…” Tabby said then purred.
I smiled. “We should go. Do you know of a good apothecary?”
“Yeah,” the man said. “The one on main-street is the best, but don’t let her over-charge you. Tell her Edward the Fence sent you.”
I glanced down at Tabby on the floor. “You ready to go?”
“Do we have to?” she asked in a whiny tone.
The map-seller laughed. I laughed. His couch laughed. Huh?
“What was that?” I asked, nodding my head toward the piece of furniture.
“Nothing,” he said. “You should go.”
“Don’t say it’s nothing,” the couch spoke again.
“That was something,” I said, drawing my weapon.
“Whoa…” Tabby backed away from the leather three-seater. “A talking couch.”
“It’s a go,” the couch-voice said. “Alpha-Tango-Bravo. Go, go, go…”
The front door of the house swung open, breaking off its hinges. Several armed guards in plate mail stomped into the living room.
“On the floor!” a guard yelled. “Move it!”
He waved a glowing sword through the air. I glanced around. Not seeing anywhere to escape, I lowered my weapon but stayed on my feet.
“You’re under arrest for impersonating a gnome of the wrong gender,” he said.
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“Oh, yeah…” Tabby giggled. “You’re not a real female gnome.”
“Shut up,” I said, raising my hands in the air. “This is all a misunderstanding.”
“Enough,” the man said. “We’re throwing you in jail.”
“That’s not going to work,” I said.
“Why not?” The guard chuckled. “You hear that, guys? His arrest isn’t going to work for him.”
Some of the other men laughed.
“I’ve got some ghosts to track down,” I said.
The captain of the town guard narrowed his eyes.
“Now!” I shouted then reached for my Wand of Fire & Fury.
I zapped the wand.
Your Fire Fury DISEMBOWELS the captain of the guard for 114 damage.
The captain of the guard is upset with you.
The Wand of Fire & Fury has [33/134] charges
As he fell backward, bu
rning, I turned and jumped through a glass window, hoping for the best. I landed in the dirt as Tabby leaped through the opening. Several of the other guards cried out in pain as flames engulfed the building.
“Run!” I shouted as I got to my feet.
Tabby stumbled after me as I ran for the northeast sector of the city. If the shady dealer hadn’t lied to me, I’d find the temple with the stairs down in the basement. They might be our only chance of escape from the city. Bells rang in the distance.
I ran down one narrow street after another. The change appearance scroll I’d read began to wear off, causing my appearance to change as I ran. Several innocent NPCs screamed in horror as they saw a half-gnome and half-human creature run past.
Several arrows flew by, barely missing me. I kept running. Two steel-tipped arrow hit me, one nicking my right bicep and the other sinking into my thigh.
The arrow INJURES you for 14 damage.
The arrow MAULS you for 23 damage.
You have [439/776] health remaining.
I cried out in pain, stopping on the trail to the edge of the city. Two more arrows whizzed by, missing me. I turned and pointed the wand at the men chasing us.
Your Fire Fury MAIMS the guard for 59 damage.
The Wand of Fire & Fury has [32/134] charges.
Several of the other arrow-shooting guards nearby also took damage—enough for them to stop firing. I backed away, still pointing the wand at them.
“Don’t follow me,” I shouted. “Be smart.”
“There’s a bounty on your head,” a guard said. “I’ve got to feed my family. No hard feelings. Why don’t you give up?”
I stopped and asked, “What bounty?”
“Does it matter what it’s for?” the man asked. He stepped several paces forward.
“Stop,” I said, raising the wand.
“Impersonating a gnome of the opposite gender is against the law of the land,” he said. “This isn’t anything personal. You can do whatever you want on other levels, but in Thunderbone, that type of illusory magic is forbidden.”
“How was I supposed to know?” I asked.
“Ignorance of the law isn’t an excuse,” the guard said. “Listen, I’m not an attorney, but one will be provided to you if you’re unable to afford one.”
“Hurry,” Tabby said in my mind. “I’m at the stairs down.”
I stepped backward toward the temple.
“Stop,” the guard said. “Laws are laws.”
“And wands are wands,” I muttered then zapped three times in a row.
Flames of fire and fury hit the guards, roasting them in their armor. I sent off another three rounds at the city. With an inferno, they would be less likely to chase me.
Your alignment is affected by your recent actions.
You receive -25 alignment.
You receive no experience points for this encounter.
You are evil in nature.
It’s just a game, I told myself as I turned and ran into the temple. In the basement, Tabby stood at the top of a set of stone stairs leading down. I stopped. We’re alive for another level. One more level. That’s all I want.
Tabby meowed then bounded down the stairs four at a time. I followed, still clutching the map to The Graveyard. Would gear from another player character help me beat the final boss and finally win the game? Only one way to find out.
“Keep moving,” I said when I reached the bottom of the stairs. “They’ll probably aggro-chase us down.”
Tabby laughed, obviously still under the influence of the catnip.
“Are we having fun yet?” she asked.
“Sure,” I said, the lie sounding hollow.
Time for another round. One more level of the roguelike that seemed to go on forever.
()xxxx[:::: Chapter 10 ::::>
Chasing Bones Files
You are on level 36 (-1700’)
You are a Level 35 Orc Samurai.
You hear money changing hands.
Another shop? I had a Wand of Digging, but I wasn’t looking to press my luck so deep down in the dungeon. The map to The Graveyard glowed slightly brighter.
“We’re close,” I said in a low voice.
Tabby yawned, not caring in the least.
“Maybe we’ll find some map scrolls,” I said.
I walked down the tunnel we’d encountered at the end of the stairs. Light had long since been a concern for me. How high would the leveling system go? I should’ve asked the dwarves. The stone tunnel ended oddly with a closed wooden door. I tried the handle. Not locked. I didn’t hear any sounds on the other side, so I cautiously opened it while holding Thor’s Hammer.
A room on the other side had a suit of splint mail resting against the far wall. Two other doors, one to the left and one to the right, led out. Footprints covered the dusty floor. I noticed a few paths through the room, but most led to the door on my right. After opening that onet slowly, I saw yet another hallway with the walls and ceiling covered in rough, wooden planks.
Tabby yawned again, causing me to do the same.
“Cut it out,” I whispered in a harsh tone.
“We’ve not rested in a while, Alex. Can we stop soon?”
“One more level,” I said.
Unless things went bad. I wanted to get to The Graveyard and scope out the ghosts. Would I even have a chance of defeating one?
Tabby sighed then said, “Fine.”
I kept walking until I reached another door. Opening it, my eyes widened at the sight of a grassy hilltop and a bright blue sky.
“Something’s not right,” Tabby said.
“No kidding,” I muttered, stepping through the doorway.
The sun beat down on me from the sky above. I glanced around and saw vast fields of grain surrounding the hill. Where are we? I took a few steps forward and heard something growling deeply nearby. When I turned, I saw nothing.
“Who’s there?” I asked.
“Your worst nightmare,” a voice replied.
Laughter followed, but I still saw nothing.
“Show yourself,” I said, raising my hammer.
A ten-foot high ogre materialized out of thin air before me.
“Who are you?” I asked. “Where are we?”
“It’s an illusion,” Tabby said. “I can see beyond it.”
“The ogre’s an illusion?” I asked.
“I’ll show you I’m real,” the giant roared then swung a massive wooden club.
As the tree-trunk sized log whizzed by, I dodged at the last moment.
“Hang on big guy,” I said.
That’s not an illusion. What’s Tabby talking about?
A slightly shorter green-skinned troll stepped into sight, a sickly smile plastered on its pock-marked face.
“I be real too,” he said then ran at me with clawed hands extended.
“Stay back,” I shouted then let loose a ball of chain lightning.
The troll screamed as the electricity hit him. It bounced to the ogre, shocking him as well. When the creature flung itself again, the entire illusion of the hilltop faded. A dirty, unkempt, and grinning gnome illusionist came into view.
“You’ll die for that, sonny boy,” he said then raised his hands to cast.
I hated to waste another ball lightning, but I pointed the end of the hammer at him. The electricity crackled as it shot through the air, hitting him directly. It bounced to the other two creatures. They must be real.
“Stop that,” the ogre yelled then swung his club.
The ogre MUTILATES you for 94 damage.
You have [382/776] health remaining.
The troll MAULS you for 29 damage.
You have [353/776] health remaining.
I stepped back into the wood-lined hallway; the troll followed behind. With my free hand, I grabbed the Wand of Fire & Fury from my belt.
Your Fire Fury MUTILATES the troll for 87 damage.
The Wand of Fire & Fury has [25/134] charges.
The
troll screams in pain.
You hear muffled sounds nearby.
The fireball explosion knocked me on my backside and caught everything nearby on fire.
“You idiot!” the gnome yelled from the doorway. “Go get him!”
The ogre yelled and ran through the flames, knocking the burning troll to the side. I stood as the tall beast crouched and ran forward. He didn’t have room to swing the tree-trunk, but that didn’t stop him from charging me with his bare fists.
The ogre DISEMBOWELS you for 111 damage.
You have [242/776] health remaining.
He knocked me to the ground, landing on top of my body. If I used the wand or Thor’s Hammer, the damage would affect me too. What can I do? The ogre roared then butted me with his head.
The ogre DEVASTATES you for 45 damage.
You have [197/776] health remaining.
Ouch.
I struggled to get out from under him.
The still-burning troll screamed like a banshee as it rushed past.
In front of me, it attacked as I laid prone on the floor under the ogre.
The trolls DECIMATES you for 34 damage.
The ogre MAIMS you for 54 damage.
You have [109/776] health remaining.
I’d never used it before, but I pulled out the Wand of Curious Words [1/14 charges] as a last resort. Tabby leaped up and onto the ogre’s face, clawing at its eyes. Her attack gave me just enough time. As the troll screamed and prepared to attack again, I zapped the wand and hoped for the best.
Today’s word is DOOM.
I heard the word spoken aloud in a booming voice. The troll shrieked in fear and ran past the ogre toward the gnome illusionist at the end of the hallway.
“Doom!” I repeated.
Unamused, the ogre plucked Tabby off his face then moved toward me.
What a useless wand. This is it, I guess. Here lies Alex, killed by an ogre on level 36.
