Words of Silk

by Sandra Brown

  CHAPTER 9

  The telephone rang as Deke unlocked the front door. They had been on their first outing with the twins. It had amounted to no more than a drive through town, but Laney felt like a convict released from prison after years of incarceration.

  With Todd clutched in his arms, Deke ran to answer his business line. “Hello.” He hugged the receiver between his chin and ear. “Yeah, we’ve been out. What’s up?”

  Laney laid Mandy in the portable crib they had placed in the living room. She kicked free of her blankets almost faster than her mother could unwrap her. As Deke continued to fire pertinent questions into the telephone, Laney retrieved Todd from his father’s arms and laid him down beside his sister. No sooner was he free of his outdoor trappings than he set up a howl for his lunch. Mandy, content up to that point, heard her brother’s distress, decided she must be suffering, too, and started wailing.

  “I’m sorry,” Laney mouthed as she rushed toward the kitchen to warm two bottles. Deke waved off her apology and covered his other ear with his hand. She rushed back to carry first Todd, then Mandy, into the bedroom. She changed them while the bottles were warming.

  Deke was just hanging up the phone when she came through the living room again, carrying the two bottles toward the bedroom. He looked grim. “Something wrong?”

  He forced a smile. “Business as usual. We’d better get them fed.”

  He got to Todd first and placed the plastic nipple in his mouth. Laney took Mandy and together they migrated toward the living room, each taking a corner of the sofa. The twins were several weeks old and the household had more or less settled down to a routine. Mrs. Thomas was taking a day off.

  “They’re getting so big.” Laney lovingly examined Mandy’s dimpled hand. “Next week they go in for their first-month checkup. I can’t believe it’s been that long.”

  “We might have to cancel that appointment, Laney.”

  The low, level tone of his voice sent a cold shaft of foreboding through her. She raised her head to look at him. “Why?”

  “We’ll be in New York by then.” He rushed on before she could say anything. “That was my senior assistant on the telephone. I had asked for one more postponement for the trial, but the judge denied it. We go to trial Monday.”

  “The day after tomorrow?”

  “Yes. I guess we’d better call Mrs. Thomas and see if she can come in this afternoon to help us pack. I’ll make our airplane reservations, call the landlady, see about—”

  “Objection, Counselor.” Mandy flinched at the emphasis in her usually lulling voice. “I’m not going to New York tomorrow.”

  Deke seemed to count to ten slowly as he wiped away the dribbles on Todd’s chin. “I’m sorry it has to be with so little notice. I didn’t want it to be, but that’s the way it is and there’s nothing I can do about it. We’ll pack only what’s essential to move the twins. The rest we can get at home.”

  “This is home.”

  He ignored her interruption and continued. “When this trial is over, we’ll come back and see to the house and furniture. The trial shouldn’t take more than a few weeks. By that time we will have picked out a house. I think you’ll like Connecticut. I’ve had realtors scouting out possibilities.”

  “I see you’ve got the details all worked out,” she said tightly.

  “I wish I could give you more time, Laney.”

  Mandy had finished the bottle. Laney placed the infant on her shoulder and patted her back until she burped.

  “Time has nothing to do with it, Deke. I’m not going. Nor are my babies.” She left the couch and exited the room, going into the twins’ room to lay Mandy gently in her baby bed. She curled into a ball and fell fast asleep.

  Deke laid Todd down, and after he found his fist to gnaw on, he, too, fell asleep. Deke caught up with Laney in the hallway. “You’re my wife. They are my children. We’re a family. Where the father goes, the family goes.”

  She halted her striding journey into their bedroom to spin around and confront him. “Where have you been, Deke? Under a rock? That might have been true a hundred years ago or even fifty years ago, but it doesn’t hold true in today’s society.” She continued on to the bedroom, took off her cardigan and hung it in the closet.

  “You surely don’t expect me to give up my practice in New York,” he shouted.

  She whirled on him. “No. But you obviously expect me to give up my job. I happen to like this house very much. I don’t want to leave it and move to an unfamiliar part of the country that I don’t anticipate liking.”

  He cursed and peeled off his sweater, something which Laney wished he hadn’t done. It left his chest bare down to the faded, frayed fly of his jeans. They rode an inch below his hair-whorled navel and made his masculinity all too evident. She turned her back.

  “Look at me, Laney.” Defiantly she faced him again, but kept her eyes at some point above his head. “This has nothing to do with jobs or houses and we both know it. It has to do with your fear of commitment. You’re still afraid to trust me, aren’t you?”

  “Don’t analyze me. Ever since you pushed your way into this house the first time, you’ve been analyzing me like a bug under a bell jar.” Because he was so close to the heart of the matter, she began to pace. She unbuttoned the first few buttons of her blouse to relieve the constriction around her throat. “I was coerced into marrying you.”

  “No one was holding a gun to your head.”

  “I didn’t want to marry you because I knew something like this would happen. I knew I would become a possession, like a piece of furniture you could move or rearrange or put into storage as the mood struck you. Well, I’m not, Deke Sargent. I was doing fine on my own before you came along.”

  His fists thumped his thighs as if he would love to smash something. “What about the babies?”

  “I can’t believe you’d even consider moving them now. They’re much too young.”

  “I concede that it won’t be easy, but babies fly in airplanes and ride in cars all the time. We’ll hire Mrs. Thomas to travel with us and send her back on the next return flight if it will make you feel better about flying with them.”

  “It’s not just the traveling. It’s . . . they’re too young.”

  “You’re not breast-feeding them anymore, Laney.”

  She glared at him then. “Is that why you encouraged me to wean them early and put them on formula? So I would be ready at the drop of a hat to move to New York?”

  He taught her a whole new dictionary of expletives as he stamped around the room, raking his hair with his fingers. “Do you actually think I’d do that? Do you think I’d risk the well-being of my children on a selfish whim? God!”

  He slammed his fist into his other palm. “I wouldn’t have cared if they suckled you from here to New York City in sight of everybody. I thought that was beautiful. The reason I wanted you to agree to Dr. Taylor’s suggestion to put them on formula was because I could see how breast-feeding was depleting you. It was costing your body plenty to feed them. Todd is a glutton and neither of them was getting enough milk. It was better for everyone.”

  She knew he was right, but she didn’t want to acknowledge it. “They need to be here with their own pediatrician.”

  “We can take your medical records with us. There are thousands of qualified doctors in New York.”

  “We’re back to that again.” She paused for emphasis. “I don’t want to live in New York City.”

  “I told you I’m looking for a place in Connecticut. It’s lovely and not so different from here. My family lives there.”

  “But for a while we’d have to live in your apartment. I don’t want my children exposed to the streets of Manhattan.”

  “They’re babies!” he laughed incredulously. “They’re not going to be out on ‘the streets.’ Besides, New York’s not nearly as dangerous as people make it out to be. Those reports of bad things happening to innocent people are exaggerated.”

  Her
eyes lifted to his and they were as cold as the North Sea and just as turbulent. “Oh? Look what happened to me.”

  His face changed by degrees. The cockiness faded as her words gradually seeped into his brain. Never had Laney seen such a furious visage. Her spine prickled with fear and she took a step backward.

  It did no good. He advanced on her, taking three long strides. His hand went to the back of her head, wound her hair around his fist and hauled her against him. He finished unbuttoning her blouse, yanked it from her body and flung it to the floor. Now they were hip to hip, belly to belly, breast to breast and breathing like marathon runners.

  “Apparently you don’t remember that night correctly at all,” he drawled. “At least not the way I remember it. The way I remember it, you weren’t a victim, Laney, but an all-too-willing participant. You begged me for it.”

  With each word his head had descended until with the last one he crushed her mouth with his. His tongue pushed through her lips to plunder rapaciously. His hand tightened its grip on her hair, forcing her head back for his conquest. His other arm closed around her to hold her while his hips ground into hers, punishing.

  But as quickly as the violence erupted, it was tempered. He made a strangled noise in his throat and his mouth gentled. Instead of plundering, his tongue now persuaded. His hand let go of her hair to rub her shoulders, to slide to the clasp of her brassiere and unfasten it. He massaged the silken skin of her back and flexed his fingers around her now slender waist. Then he wedged his hand into the waistband of her jeans, past the elastic band of her bikini panties, and, caressing the smooth flesh of her derriere, pulled her tighter against his hard passion. The soft jeans did nothing to defuse its power.

  Taking his lips from her mouth, he kissed an ardent path to her ear. His breath was rasping and hot. “Laney, why do you make me say things like that?” He drew his hand from her jeans, but kept his rampant manhood nestled in the V of her thighs. “You make me angry because you refuse to see reason.” His hands squeezed her waist lightly, then coasted up her rib cage to caress her breasts. “I love you, Laney.” He nuzzled his face in the curve of her neck as his thumbs found her nipples. “I love you.”

  “You always know the right words to say, don’t you, Counselor?”

  He stiffened. Pushing away from her abruptly, he looked into her face, and what he saw he hated.

  “You think you’re very clever, don’t you?” she asked. She picked up her blouse and pulled it on with quick jerking motions. “You think you’ve got me all figured out. Tell her you love her and she’ll fall into your hands like a ripe peach. Is that what you think?”

  He remained stonily silent.

  “Ever since I met you in that elevator, you’ve run roughshod over me, first by taking advantage of my hysteria.”

  “Oh, hell,” he hissed. “Are you going to fall back on that? Haven’t you absolved yourself yet? It was one night of indiscretion out of your whole life, Laney. Join the rest of us sinners! You don’t have to use hysteria and being tipsy as excuses for doing what you damn well wanted to do. If we had met under different circumstances, the result would have been the same. I would have wanted to take you to bed, and I think you would have gone. Now, dammit, don’t blame me again for comforting you when you needed it or hold me responsible for things getting out of hand,” he roared.

  Wetting her lips, she strove for composure. “Granted, your first motivation might have been kindness. And I accept responsibility for what happened after I went into your apartment.” With a lift of her chin she said brazenly, “I don’t regret having had sex with you. I got Mandy and Todd from that. But you ramrodded your way into my house, my life. You browbeat me into marrying you so our children would be legitimate. Now you think you can woo me into doing your bidding with soft words and silken phrases.”

  “Are you finished?”

  “Not yet.” She drew in a shuddering breath. “You’re right about one thing: When I was young, I would have given anything on earth to hear my mother say she loved me. But even if she had, the words would have been empty, just as yours are. I was no more than a fixture in her life, and I think that’s the way you see me too. You want to put me into one of those neat little compartments of your life and leave me there until you’re ready to take me out and play with me.”

  “That’s not true, Laney.”

  “Then why haven’t you given me one single choice in this whole affair? There is more to loving than having sex every night and saying pretty words. It’s giving a person freedom, making her feel worthy, letting her choose to love back.”

  “All right,” he said, slicing the air with his hands. “That all sounds very nice, but it’s bull and you know it. I’m not going to argue theory with you, or psychology. I’m sick and tired of it, if you want to know the truth. And I’m just a little bit sick of having to handle you with kid gloves.”

  “Then don’t handle me at all.”

  He released a sigh and raised his hands in defeat, letting them slap his thighs as he lowered them. He stared at a spot on the floor for a long time, gathering his thoughts. When at last he raised his head, his face was openly imploring.

  “I haven’t known your kind of heartache, Laney, because for as long as I can remember I was surrounded by a loving family who gave me confidence. However, I can sympathize. I know you’re scared.”

  “I admit it. I’m scared.”

  “Why? Why hold steadfast to that fear when you’ve come so far? You took tremendous strides when you left that mausoleum of a house and began a new life after your mother died. The way you feel about your father now shows that you’ve accepted that part of your life, but you’re not going to let it defeat you. You’ve come to trust me a little.” He reached out his hand. “Come with me, Laney. Take that final step. Let’s commit ourselves to each other.”

  She stood on the rim of a chasm. She didn’t want to go back where she had come from. Deke stood on the other side, holding out the promise of happiness and love. But between them seethed all her fears. Crossing that churning gulf was too chancy a risk to take. She might fall, get sucked under. She wanted him, but she wanted him where they were now, where it was safe, where there were no demands or commitments.

  “I’m not the one leaving,” she cried in self-defense. “You’re deserting me just like my father did my mother.”

  “I have no choice. You know that.”

  “That’s probably what he said to her.”

  Deke’s outstretched hand fell to his side and dangled there lifelessly. Did she think no more of him than that? Hadn’t he gone about as far as a man could go to make her happy? If she still refused to accept that happiness, what more could he do?

  “You want a choice?” he asked in a voice as deflated as his spirit. “I’m giving you one. I have to return to New York tomorrow. When this trial is over, I’m coming back. I’m packing up Mandy and Todd and taking them home with me. Since you don’t believe that I love you, you can choose at that time whether to go with us or not. But my children are going with me.”

  The house was dismally empty without him. Even with the clutter and noise of two healthy infants and the bustling activity of Mrs. Thomas, Laney walked through the house like a visitor to a museum, detached, looking but not touching. It reminded her of the house in Tulsa.

  Deke telephoned several times a day to check on the twins. More often than not he spoke to Mrs. Thomas. When he and Laney did converse, they were coolly polite. She inquired about the trial and he asked for details on the babies’ progress. They discussed nothing personal.

  After she got a “Go ahead, but in moderation” from Dr. Taylor, she began to exercise like a fiend, doing sit-ups until she was afraid she would rupture something. The day she could zip into her tightest pair of jeans, she clapped her hands and whooped so loudly that both twins were startled out of a morning nap.

  The weather turned warmer, and when Laney thought it was safe, she and Mrs. Thomas drove the twins to the school to l
et her former class view them. To the curious questions about Deke, she simply responded that he had returned to New York for an important trial.

  She tried to busy herself around the house, but actually there was little to do. When she suggested to Deke that she really didn’t need Mrs. Thomas every day, he cut her off peremptorily and indisputably stated that the housekeeper stayed. He had already expressed his concern over Laney staying in the house alone at night, so she dropped the subject of Mrs. Thomas out of fear that he would hire a live-in.

  She filled her days with caring for the twins, but basically she was idle and lonely. Mr. Harper called to ask her about the next fall semester. She hedged, telling him that she didn’t know if she was going to teach or not.

  “Can I tell you later? In August, maybe?”

  “That’s a problem. We like all our contracts in order by the middle of June. You’ll have to let me know by then.”

  So now she had one more thing to think about during the long hours of the night. They were the worst to endure. She lay in the bed she had shared with Deke and missed having him there beside her. She missed him so much, she ached. It was an ache that ate into her marrow.

  If anyone had told her she could be that lonely with twins to take care of, she wouldn’t have believed them. She had expected her children to fill her life to overflowing. But they didn’t fill the void that Deke had left behind. Each day she found herself growing a little more apathetic about her life. That shocked her—panicked her, in fact. Had that happened to her mother? Had she not loved Laney because no one had been there to love her?

  Perspiring, Laney sat up in bed with a startling insight. It made sense. When one wasn’t loved, one didn’t have much love to give. Was she then not being fair to her own children? Would she unknowingly deprive them as her mother had deprived her?

  She was in the kitchen the next morning when the telephone rang. It had been a sleepless, miserable night, and she had been relieved to finally see the sun come up. Mrs. Thomas had arrived and was gathering laundry. The twins had been fed and bathed and were sleeping.