by Bella Jewel
M – I need to do some washing.
R – Oh my god. Wash your towels.
M – Oh my god. Wash your balls.
I yawn and check the time. It’s past ten, and I have to work early tomorrow morning.
M – I’m going to bed now, loser. Talk to you tomorrow.
Roman sends a thumbs up, and I giggle, because he knows I hate it.
M – Stop being a dick and say goodnight properly.
R – Goodnight, Spoosie.
I smile, my heart warm, and my body light.
M – Goodnight, Spunky.
With a content smile on my face, I tuck my phone away.
And for the first time in a damned long time, I fall asleep happy.
Really happy.
All because of him.
~*~*~*~
“So, Roman,” Matilda says at the clubhouse later that week. “How’s that going?”
I decide not to tell her we’re sleeping together, just yet, anyway. Maybe it’s because I’m still not sure what’s happening and don’t want to disrupt anything, or maybe it’s because I know what she’ll say, and she’ll probably be right.
“It’s going good. He seems to be moving forward fairly well, reducing contact with his ex.”
She nods, crossing her legs and shifting towards me on the sofa. “So, he’s not really talking to her anymore?”
“Yeah, well, she’s not really talking to him either to be honest.”
“I wonder what she’ll do when he fully cuts contact, considering she doesn’t want him back but she doesn’t want him to move on.”
I ponder that. I hadn’t really thought of it. Roman has been chasing her for months, he’s been her backbone, he’s supported her even when she treated him like crap. He’s been a damned good person, so what will happen now he’s pulling back and she’s not getting all the attention she wants? Will she come on strong? Will she try and get him back just purely so she doesn’t have to be alone?
She’s definitely that kind of person.
My heart clenches, because as much as he tells me he’s over it, I know deep down he isn’t. When you break up with someone you have highs and lows, usually, right before you finally move on, you have a massive high of thinking you’re over it, then you come crashing back down, then only after that do you truly move on and accept that there is no hope for reconciliation.
Roman is on his high, partially because of me, partially because it’s been a good few months and he has had a chance to grieve some.
“Honestly,” I finally answer Matilda, “I think she will probably try, but I can’t see it lasting long. She’ll want his attention back, but she’ll still keep him at arm’s length and because of that, they’ll just repeat the same cycle.”
“Maybe he needs her to do that, though. Sometimes, especially in this case because it’s long distance, missing someone makes you put them on a pedestal. I honestly think the best thing sometimes is for them to re-attempt it or talk about re-attempting it because I believe it can be one of the only ways for people to see why it ended in the first place and actually move on properly.”
Yeah. Maybe. That thought sucks.
“If she gave in and took him back, she’d destroy him. That’s clear as day. Her feelings for him aren’t there, it would only last such a short while before she repeated the cycle. You don’t leave someone you are supposed to love and do all the things she did to him if your feelings are genuine. That’s not love. If she loved him, she wouldn’t have left in the first place, it really is that simple. Problems or not, if the love was pure, she would have told him and they would have worked through it together. That’s what couples do. No. He was a convenience for her, a way to escape reality, and the second she found someone else, she flicked him like he didn’t matter at all.”
Matilda frowns. “That’s so harsh. There are honestly no words to describe it. What sort of person is that cold? Truthfully? The worst part is, when she gets the flick from this other guy, and she will if she’s as selfish as she sounds, a hundred bucks says she considers taking him back temporarily until she finds something else to distract her.”
I frown, my heart clenching and anger bubbling in my chest. I’ll never understand it, not for as long as I live, how someone can be so utterly selfish and cruel. I don’t care if your feelings change and you do the right thing and break it off, at some point, that person was supposed to matter to you, and for that reason alone, they deserve, at the very least, a little respect.
“Oh, I have no doubt she’ll try at some point, but my guess is she won’t fully commit, she’ll just want his attention without actually giving it another go. She doesn’t love him, so she won’t want him around permanently again.”
Matilda nods. “She’s disgusting. Karma will bite her clean in the ass, and it’ll be exactly what she deserves.”
“Yeah, it will.”
“Just ... be careful, Molly. I can see you care about him, your feelings are genuine. He’s not fully past this yet, and this girl isn’t done messing with him. She seems like the type who will take and take and take until he finally gets the courage to say enough. He hasn’t done that yet, which means he’s not ready to, and that means he’s not really over it. If he was, he would have cut her out of his life.”
“Yeah, I know,” I say, sighing.
“Be his friend, be there for him, but please, don’t do anything until he’s over it. You’ve just suffered through so much hurt, you’ll only create more.”
Guilt stabs me in the chest, because it’s already too late. I’ve already taken a step too close. I’ve already crossed the line.
“Yeah, I know, I’ll be careful,” I say, my voice empty, because I hate lying to my sister.
I hate it, because I know what she’s saying is true, and if I admit that to her, if I really open my heart to what’s happening, I know I’ll have to accept that she’s telling me what’s so incredibly obvious, and I’m being reckless with Roman. It’ll tell me I have to stop, to take a step back, to create distance, and right now, that’s the last thing I want.
But, I know, deep down in my heart, that he isn’t over it. I also know, even though I refuse to admit it to myself, that if she popped back now, he’d consider it, possibly even take her back. That would hurt me, more than I’m willing to admit.
So why the hell aren’t I stopping this?
Now it’s my turn to throw myself in front of the oncoming train, because that’s what I’m doing.
But I just ... can’t give up on him.
CHAPTER 16
“That asshole left you alone?” Jack asks, sitting down beside me once I’m done talking to Matilda.
“Yeah.” I nod. “Thanks for covering for me while that bruise healed. If dad found out ...”
Jack takes my hand and squeezes it. “Don’t worry, I had a word to Michael. I didn’t think he’d be back anytime soon.”
I squeeze his hand back. “Thanks, Jack. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
He studies me for a second, his eyes scanning my face. “You seem sad.”
I shake my head. “Nah, I’m fine, just deep in thought.”
“Something bothering you?”
So much is bothering me, and right now my heart feels heavy. It aches. I don’t know what to think or do. I know I have to make a choice right now—either I continue doing this with Roman, and risk getting hurt, or I put us back in the friend zone and just let that be what it is.
I know that’s the right choice. Deep down in my heart, I know he isn’t ready. I know it. So why the hell can’t I just walk away and be his friend? Why can’t I stop this? What is it that he’s doing to me that makes me want to keep hanging on? There is something about him, so real, so genuine, so incredible. There is something that makes me want to hang onto him.
But hanging onto him will get me hurt.
I know this.
Dammit. I know it.
“Hey,” Jack says, clicking his fingers. “Come on, co
me sit outside with everyone. Take your mind off it.”
I nod and stand, following him outside to the massive table and chairs under a tree. My dad, Kyrpt, Mack, Jaylah, and Ash are all sitting at the table, discussing something. When they see us, they all stop.
“Well, if you two aren’t the cutest.” Jaylah grins.
Jack and I both roll our eyes. If Jaylah had it her way, we would have been married with four kids by now. She has been planning our wedding since we were kids, but she never got her wish.
“Mother, that would be like sleeping with my sister,” Jack scoffs. “That is unacceptable behaviour. Besides, I’m on the chase right now. It’s very difficult.”
Jaylah’s brows raise. “Do share!”
Mack groans.
Jack shoots him a shit-eating grin.
“If we’re going to share stories of love, I’m outta here!” Krypt says.
“Sit down and listen!” Ash orders, grinning at her man.
I sit down by my dad, and he puts an arm around my shoulder, turning to glance down at me, his blue eyes scan my face. “What’s wrong, darlin’?”
I shake my head. “Nothing, it’s fine. Everything is fine.”
“When a woman uses fine more than once in a sentence, it ain’t fine,” he points out. “You wanna talk about it?”
I shake my head. “No, not really.”
“Okay, baby, but when you do, you know where I am.”
“So,” Jaylah says, nudging Jack, “tell Momma all about this girl.”
“He can’t get her,” I say, shrugging. “Poor guy.”
Jack shoots me a look. “I can get her! She’s just being ... difficult.”
“There’s a tactic with difficult women, son,” Kyrpt says. “Walk up to them, throw them over your shoulder, carry them to the bed, and fuck them so hard they have no choice but to remember your name.”
We all stare at him.
Dad bursts out laughing, Mack grins, and all the women look horrified.
Jack is contemplating it, rubbing his chin and nodding with a grin.
“How has that worked out for you in the past?” Ash says to Krypt, nudging him.
He shoots her a wicked grin. “Works every time.”
“Ew!” Jack and I say at the same time.
“Son,” Jaylah says, giggling. “You just have to keep pushing. She’ll come around.”
“Wrong,” Mack adds, crossing his arms. “You have to stop pushing, and she’ll come around.”
All eyes swing to him.
“Explain yourself, father,” Jack says, crossing his arms, too.
“You’re chasing her. She likes it. It’s fun. She’s playing hard to get, because you’re making it your mission to follow her like a lost dog. Stop, and watch her come running.”
“As. If.” Jaylah rolls her eyes. “That’ll just piss her off.”
Mack looks to his woman. “If I ignored you, after giving you all the attention, you’re telling me you wouldn’t be on that phone quicker than a fly on shit, messaging me like a crazy woman?”
She flushes, and nods. “Man has a point.”
“So, ignore her.” Mack shrugs. “Simple.”
“I don’t know ...” Jack says hesitantly. “I’m not sure I trust your judgement. I mean, look at the woman you snagged.”
Jaylah slaps her son, and he grins, throwing his arm around her shoulder and kissing her cheek.
My phone buzzes and I glance down. I haven’t spoken to Roman much today. He’s noticing. I know I need to explain to him why, but I don’t honestly know how to do that without screwing up. I told him I was okay with everything that happened, that I was okay with casual, but the truth is I always knew I wasn’t that kind of girl and I let it go anyway.
The best thing for both of us, until he’s fully moved on, is to slow this back to friendship.
R – Hey? You ok?
I exhale, and it’s shaky.
M – Yeah, I’m okay. Just thinking.
R – About what?
M – All of this. I think for right now it’s best if we just stay friends until you deal with your ex. I feel like it might cause problems and I really don’t want that. I don’t want either of us to get hurt.
A few minutes tick by, and my hands start shaking. I stand and walk over to another shady tree, pressing my back against it. My phone buzzes, and I practically drop it I move that fast to read the message.
R – If that’s what you want? But I do want what’s happening with us, I wasn’t lying about that. I just don’t want to move fast or get too serious right now. I’m enjoying the fun we have.
M – I know that, but I don’t feel like it’s fully resolved, and until it is, I think we just stay friends and stop sleeping together. Slow or not, that usually complicates things.
A few more minutes pass, and my hands tremble.
R – I’ve fucked up, haven’t I?
My heart clenches. No. No. Of course he hasn’t fucked up. This isn’t on him. Or me. It’s just a situation that is going to work better for us both in the long run if we slow it down and just recover first from our pasts. Truthfully, I’m still cut up about Michael and what he did to me, and while my feelings have changed, it’s still too soon.
M – No, of course not. I just have to be careful here. I like you, a lot. I don’t want to get hurt.
R – I respect that. I do have feelings for you, I hope you know that.
He does?
I blink.
I know he’s figured out I’ve started developing feelings for him, but I didn’t realise he was developing feelings for me, too. All the more reason to pull the brakes on for now.
M – I didn’t know that.
R – Well I do, and I do know what I have to do with her, it’s just hard. But I do want to finish it so I can move on.
Do I believe him?
God. This is confusing.
M – When you have sorted it out, we can see what happens.
R – I just hope I haven’t fucked up what could have been the best thing. Time will tell.
Yeah.
I guess it will.
CHAPTER 17
I’ve just sat down on my lunch break a few days later when my phone rings. I glance down and see it’s Roman. It’s his last day at work, and he doesn’t usually call through the day. Worry fill my chest, and I put my sandwich down and answer it.
“Hey,” I say, my voice concerned. “Everything okay?”
“Hey,” he says, and his voice sounds flatter than usual. “How are you?”
“I’m okay. What’s going on?”
“I just spoke to her.”
My heart clenches, and a cold feeling washes through my body. Fear. Horrible fear that what he’s about to tell me is going to make me lose the best person I’ve ever known. I’m not ready to lose him. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to lose him.
“Oh,” I say, trying to keep my voice steady. “How did that go?”
“It got a bit heated.”
He’s being vague.
“And?”
“She’s fucked up. Honestly.”
Yes. Yes, she is.
“You going to tell me what happened?” I say, carefully.
“I basically just told her she needs to let me go, let me move on. She still won’t, hey. She still won’t say the words.”
Anger bubbles in my chest, and I get frustrated. Of course she won’t let him move on, because he keeps letting her keep him around for convenience. Why the hell would she let him go when he’s giving her endless amounts of attention? She’s selfish. That’s what she wants in life. It’s all about the attention. I shake the thought out of my head. I’m tired. I’m hurting. This is not his fault.
“So, what did you do?” I manage.
“I told her she’s stopping me from moving on, that I have a good thing going on here that’s on hold because of her.”
He said that?
My heart breaks even more. Dammit. What have I gotten myself into?
I care too much. I fucked up.
“She said she’s not stopping me from moving on,” he continues.
Technically, she’s not. He’s stopping himself from moving on. Her actions have given every answer he needs. She’s been cruel, selfish, unkind, and treated him like the scum of the earth, but he’s still waiting for those words. The ones that he believes will free him. What he doesn’t see is that he’s already free of her, and nothing he does is ever going to change that.
Eventually, he has to find his strength and cut contact himself.
Only when he does will it truly be over.
“Wow,” I say, my voice shaky. It’s all I can manage.
“Yeah. I said she just needs to be honest with me about what she wants.”
My bottom lip trembles.
Idiot. I’m such an idiot.
“How did she respond to that?”
“She said she doesn’t know. That she’s stressed and can’t think.”
God.
I knew it. He’s wanting to move on, she can feel it, and now she’s going to clutch on a bit harder because she doesn’t want to lose her attention. The selfish, self-centred, bitch.
“I thought she told you her feelings had changed,” I mumble. “What more do you need to hear?”
God, that was mean.
“She did say that,” he says, his voice hardening a little. “I said to her, what does your gut say?”
My hand shakes.
“And she said, to come back.”
No.
Fucking no.
That piece of shit. She knows exactly what she’s doing.
“I thought she was seeing someone else?” I manage.
Don’t cry.
Do not cry.
“She said she’s only talking to him because she wants some money she lent him back. She’s going on holiday for a week with him.”
God.
Why can’t he see it?
Why is she such a horrible, horrible human being?
“So, she’s going to go away with another man ... for money?” I squeak, my voice horrified.
“Yep. I went off. She’s such a fucking liar. She told me she needs life coaching before she can make a choice.”
A choice.
She’s doing it. She’s doing what I knew she would do. The second he started moving on, the second she realised her support team and attention was fading, she started hanging on. She doesn’t want him. That much is so horribly clear, but she’s going to hang on because she can see he’s moving on, and God forbid, she has to face the shit storm she’s created for herself alone.
