by C. R. Ellis
He caught my hand before I could get more than two steps away. “Oh, no you don’t. I’m not letting you walk away this time, Goldie.”
“Don’t call me that. It’s like you nicknamed me after a retriever, and I hate it.” I tried to break free from his grip, to no avail. “Let me go, Dean.”
“No. This ends here and now, Jasmine.” He sighed and dropped my hand. “Fuck. I—Can we start over?”
The sincerity in his voice caught me off guard. It was an uncharacteristic moment of vulnerability, and it took me back to the days when we were close.
“Fine. You have five minutes.”
“Not here,” he said, shaking his head and grabbing my hand again. “Come with me.”
Against my better judgment, I didn’t rip free of his grip like every part of my brain begged me to do. He led me to a 4-wheeler and stopped, searching my face before hopping on and gesturing for me to climb on behind him.
I hesitated.
“Jas, quit looking at me like you think I’m trying to decide where the best spot would be to dump your lifeless body.”
I swallowed a laugh. “Are you?”
He shook his head as a smile stretched across his lips. “Tick tock, Jasmine. You only gave me five minutes. Come on.”
I bit my lip and actively tried not to think about the fact that riding behind him would mean touching his body. Maybe even holding on to those drool-worthy abs I’d almost convinced myself weren’t there.
Shit, I muttered under my breath before climbing onto the ATV. It’s a fucking 4-wheeler; it’s not like he’s asking you to straddle his naked body and ride him into the wee morning hours.
“Ready?” he asked, releasing the clutch.
“Yes,” I squeaked, fighting a wave of butterflies our proximity set loose in my chest cavity.
I had to hold in a moan when I got a whiff of his cologne, which somehow gave off the perfect balance of masculinity soaked in scents of sandalwood and citrus. Pretty sure someone figured out how to sell pure seduction in a bottle. Before I could stop it, my mind conjured up images of our bodies tangled together, where the speed at which we were shredding each other’s clothes would’ve qualified us for the Olympics of undressing.
Jesus, that escalated quickly.
I shifted uncomfortably, cursing this position for not allowing me to press my thighs together. For the duration of the ride, I willed my brain to think of unsexy topics like the best brand of laundry detergent and the best way to cook cauliflower. No matter where my mind drifted, though, I kept coming back to the notion that this conversation was probably going to shift the very foundation of what our tempestuous relationship was made of.
And I had no fucking clue how to feel about that.
Dean killed the 4-wheeler’s engine at the top of a hill with a stunning view of acres upon acres of undeveloped hill country beauty. It was a private oasis that held the promise of serenity if I could just allow myself to soak in the view and let go of my worries. If only absolution was as simple as handing over all the pain of our past to the breeze swirling around me.
I climbed off and couldn’t even try to hide my adoration for his spot. “This is incredible. I bet sunsets are unbelievable from up here.”
He smiled, though it was devoid of the usual breath-stealing quality his smiles possessed. “I used to come to this hill all the time to clear my head. I guess old habits die hard,” he said, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit out here recently, trying to convince myself opening old wounds wouldn’t do any good. But I swear to God, Jasmine, if I had known that conversation was what caused you to ghost me, I would’ve tried harder to explain myself, to fix things. I never realized how two-sided the anger from our history is.”
For the first time, I actually considered things from Dean’s perspective. In my mind, he’d just given up because he didn’t really care about me, didn’t want anything serious with me.
“Why did you think I disappeared?”
“Hold on, I’ll get to that in a second. First I—”
“But—”
“Jasmine, for once in your life, just shut up and listen,” he demanded.
I opened my mouth, but snapped it shut just as quickly.
“The conversation you heard between Charlie and me was me being a complete idiot. I was terrified of how much I wanted to be with you. I told myself it’d be best if nothing serious happened between us, that there was no way it could end well. You deserved better than what I could offer. I was so sure I could convince myself pumping the brakes was the right thing to do.”
“Dean, why…” His head shook and I knew he had more to say.
“What you didn’t hear later was me admitting to Charlie that I was crazy about you, and despite how much I knew I didn’t deserve you, I wanted to be with you. Only, by the time I finally admitted to myself that I wasn’t willing to let you go, you had vanished from my life. For a while, I was busy with work, so it was easy to tell myself that maybe the timing had been bad for both of us. But eventually, I knew I had to let you go. I thought you’d finally realized how damaged I was and ran for the hills.”
Holy fucking hell.
My head spun as I tried to process everything he was saying, but I also wanted more answers. One look at the sincerity swirling in Dean’s green eyes pushed me over the edge. Tears blurred my vision, but this time I didn’t even care if he saw them. “Damaged? How?”
He grimaced, like this was the part he dreaded explaining most. “The other night, when I told you about Nathan, I didn’t tell you everything. I told you his home life was shitty, but that’s not even the half of it. Two years before I met Nate, his dad beat his mom and almost killed her. She eventually recovered, but became addicted to her pain meds, which led to heroin.”
Dean paused, trying to read my face for any kind of indication of what I was thinking. I didn’t even know what I was thinking.
“God, Dean. I don’t…I don’t even know what to say. What…?” I stopped, shaking my head and trying not to let my anguish show. My heart was breaking for the little boy I didn’t even know, whose family was shattered by a series of unthinkable events.
“There’s more. I met Lilly shortly after I met him. She was ten years older than Nate, so she was eighteen. I started seeing her, even though I knew it was frowned upon to date the sibling of my mentee. Nate was too young to know the details of what happened to his parents at the time, but Lilly knew the truth. She’d been in therapy and was doing her best to raise Nathan, hold two jobs, and move on with her life. She was doing well. Then Lilly’s life imploded when their dad’s trial ended and he was found guilty. She had a total breakdown. I tried to be there for her, but she went downhill fast, and there was nothing I could do. Drugs, drinking, partying. She became a shell of the girl I’d once known, and I begged her to get help.”
I stayed silent because I knew he wasn’t done. I had a million questions, but I was spellbound by every word coming out of his mouth. My own pain and heartache took a backseat, and I was solely focused on Dean’s history with Nate and his family.
“I realized I needed to remove whatever feelings I had for Lilly from the situation, for Nate’s sake, when she continued partying and showed no signs of slowing down. I couldn’t keep missing class and trying to help someone who didn’t want to help herself. Lilly started screwing a low-level drug runner, whose boss ended up giving her bad dope. She overdosed in some shithole in the Bronx. It absolutely gutted me that I wasn’t able to save her, and that I couldn’t shield Nathan from even more horrors of the world. I’d let go of my feelings for Lilly when I realized she wasn’t the girl I’d fallen for anymore, but I still felt like it was my responsibility to save her. I was a twenty-year-old with the weight of the world on my shoulders. On some level, I knew it wasn’t my fault she died, but logic and grief don’t usually go together.”
I knew better than most that logic and grief didn’t go together. They most def
initely hadn’t for me. I never would’ve walked away from him if I’d known how much he’d gone through with Lilly. He needed me back then, whether he knew it or not, and I’d failed him. I hated myself for being so monumentally stupid.
“Dean, of course it wasn’t your fault she died,” I said quickly, needing him to know that. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have cut you out of my life like that. I was so blinded by the hurt and humiliation I felt about what you had said that I never stopped to consider your side of things. All I thought about was the fact that someone I’d known most of my life, the person I thought I knew better than anyone else, had used the lowest point in my life against me. It made me doubt everything you’d ever said to me. If I hadn’t been so stupid, things would’ve been so different.”
He immediately turned and pulled me closer, bringing his thumbs to my face and gently wiping my tears away. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Jas. I don’t blame you for reacting that way. I should’ve known there was a reason you vanished. I should’ve told you about Nathan and Lilly. I should’ve done a lot of things differently.”
I shrugged. “We both made mistakes.”
“Now you know why I was afraid to want anything with you. I was over Lilly, but I wasn’t over the fact that I failed to save her. My feelings for you were so much stronger than anything I’d felt for Lilly. Losing her was painful, but the thought of losing you fucking terrified me.”
I wiped another runaway tear from my cheek and tried not to fall apart. I didn’t know how to feel both the anger toward Dean that I’d carried around for years and the sympathy and understanding that seized my heart after learning the whole truth.
So I let go of the anger.
Chapter 12
Jasmine
Life would be better with a day of the week designated for pajama-wearing only.
Jasmine Winters, wishing pajamas in public was socially acceptable
By the time Dean and I got back to the house everyone was there. Jade gave both of us some serious “you have so much explaining to do” looks. A part of me felt like everything had changed when Dean took me out to his spot, but another part of me knew I couldn’t just flip a switch and pretend like the last six years hadn’t happened. Like I wasn’t a completely different person now because of what happened back then.
Dinner was great, as usual, and I loved spending time with my practically adoptive parents, but I was counting down the minutes until I could get in my car and go to my own private oasis to think about it all. Dean Preston had been firmly in my past until recently, and I had to figure out where he belonged now.
We finally said our goodbyes, and I got in my car to leave when Jade yanked open my passenger door and hopped in.
“What’s up, JP?”
She rolled her eyes. “You know exactly what’s up. So, either I can ride with you, or I can ride with Dean. One of you is going to tell me what the hell is going on, though.”
I considered telling her to ask Dean because I was a bit fuzzy on exactly what was going on too, but I knew better than to try that. She’d never buy it. “Okay, fine. Is Emmett following behind, or am I taking you to your house?”
“He’s picking me up. I have a feeling I’ll need a few words with my big brother too.”
I looked over one last time at Emmett and Dean before driving off, and shot Dean a look that hopefully warned him Jade was coming for him next. I quickly debated in my head where to start and exactly how much to tell Jade. I didn’t know how much she knew about Lilly, so I decided to leave that part to Dean, but I knew I had to be completely honest about the rest. “I guess you’ve picked up on the…uh, tension, between us.”
She gave me a pointed stare. “I’ve known that there’s some sort of weirdness between y’all, but I didn’t know what to make of it. I also knew asking either of you was pointless. You’re both so damn stubborn.”
My eyes widened. “You never acted like you noticed anything. How long have you known?”
Jade shrugged. “A while. I figured you’d tell me eventually. But now that it’s been months since he moved here, and y’all clearly still have issues, I decided I can’t wait anymore. So spill, Winters. From the beginning.”
I hesitated, but only because I wasn’t sure where the actual beginning was. Finally settling on full disclosure, I launched into a long overdue explanation. I started with details of the summer I spent in New York, and finished with a summary of the conversation Dean and I had earlier today.
I held my breath as I waited for her reaction when I finished. I knew she’d have one; who enjoys hearing that her best friend was once in love with her brother?
But she just smiled. “Jas, I knew you had a crush on Dean when we were teenagers. I never said anything because I was terrified of what it would do to our friendship.”
My jaw dropped.
She didn’t give me a chance to respond before continuing. “Let me explain. After you lost your mom and you were struggling to grieve, all I cared about was not losing you all together. Nothing else mattered. I swore I’d never push you about relationships, or even question your feelings for Dean. That’s why I still don’t push you about your love life. You’ve come a long way since then, but you’ve always been gun-shy about actual relationships and getting close to people since losing your mom.”
My eyes stayed on the road ahead of me, but my mind was elsewhere. First Dean turned my world upside down, and now Jade was pulling another rug out from under me.
Jade read the surprise and panic on my face and put her hand on my arm. “Jas, it’s okay. I know you haven’t kept people out on purpose, or at least you haven’t kept me out on purpose. I accepted that you have things you’ve had to work out and deal with in whatever way works for you. If that meant watching you run from any possibility at happiness, I accepted it. But at the end of the day, I just want you to be happy, even if it’s with Dean.” She shot me a wink.
“Oh my god, Jade,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “I haven’t even finished telling you everything. How do you know Dean and I aren’t still plotting ways to kill each other?”
She laughed. Jerk. “Please. I don’t need to know the rest of the story. I saw how you two looked at each other after you got back to the house today.”
“Oh, whatever. How exactly did we look at each other? Never mind, don’t answer that,” I quickly added, shaking my head. “In all seriousness, though, Jade, I’m sorry I kept you in the dark for so long about Dean. Call me crazy, but I felt like it would be a little awkward.”
“Jas, I don’t care if it’s awkward. I’ll always want you to feel like you can share things with me, even if it involves Dean, and especially if it involves your love life.”
Was this technically my “love life?” A month ago, the words “Dean” and “love life” in the same sentence would’ve been laughable to me. And now? I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t tell if Dean belonged in my life, much less my love life.
We pulled into the parking lot of my apartment building and I idled by the curb instead of parking.
“You’re not coming up?”
“Nah, I’ve got somewhere I need to be.”
She looked curious, but didn’t press me. I squeezed her hand and smiled, hoping it was enough to reassure her that I was okay.
“I love you, JP. Thanks for being a better friend than I deserve.”
She smiled back at me. “I love you too, Jas. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
After she climbed out of the car, I rolled out of the parking lot, driving on autopilot once again. I’d driven to my old childhood home so many times I could do it blindfolded by now.
My dad couldn’t stand to stay in our house after my mom died, but I was too attached to let him sell it. Eventually he put the house in my name, but he hadn’t been back since buying an apartment in the city. He hired a monthly cleaning service and a groundskeeper of sorts, who came by every other week to check on everything.
I loved the old house. My parents built it after th
ey got married thirty plus years ago. My dad gave my mom complete control when it came to the house—everything from the color of the walls to the choice of red bricks on the outside had been entirely up to her. They remodeled the kitchen and the master bath when I was ten, so it wasn’t entirely a time capsule of the eighties, but the house was definitely in need of some TLC. I thought about having some work done, but I never figured out how to update it without erasing all of Mom’s personal touches.
Being in the house made me feel close to my mom, made me feel her presence. At one point, I’d envisioned renovating the house and starting a family there one day, just as my parents had. My childhood had been full of everything one should be: love, laughter, happiness, sweet dreams, and two parents who had forged their own fairytale life together. I used to want that for myself one day.
On some level, the part of me that couldn’t let go of my childhood home was the very part of me that still held out hope for it, despite my firm stance in never having a happily ever after. I couldn’t bring myself to live in the house, but I escaped there any time I needed solitude or space to think.
Chapter 13
Dean
I’d never been a believer in fairytales until I realized that some people are meant to live one of their own.
Eighteen-year old Dean Preston upon seeing the innocence behind Jasmine’s pain-filled eyes
High up on my list of least favorite things to do: explaining everything about my history with Jasmine to my sister. Jade looked like she wanted to punch me in the face when I told her the details Jasmine had spared her. Jade’s small in stature, but she packed a mean punch; I found that out at a young age when she caught me cutting the hair off her favorite Barbie.
When I finished, she had only one question. “And what exactly are your intentions now, Dean?”
