by Bella Jewel
I can hear shouting and yelling, but I’m so drunk I can’t even begin to process that I need to swim towards the shore. Before I have the chance to think about it, hard arms wrap around my body, hauling me up. I gasp for air as I see Blade holding onto me. His eyes are frantic, and he looks completely freaked out. He pulls me towards the shoreline, just as Brody comes to a screaming stop beside me, staring down with wide, panicked eyes.
“I’m okay,” I yell.
“You’re fucking bleeding.”
I press my hand to my forehead as Blade swims us to the surface. When we make it, Brody leaps off his jet ski and runs towards me. I flop down onto my back, panting. Blade unbuckles my lifejacket and pulls it off, then sits me up, rubbing my back furiously as I cough. Brody has his lifejacket and shirt off, and he’s pressing the shirt against my head.
“Are you . . .?” Blade stops rubbing my back and leans down close. “You’re drunk.”
“So?” I fire at him.
“Jesus, what the fuck were you two doing on jet skis when you’re drunk?” he barks, turning to Brody.
Jack reaches us and squats in front of me. “Jesus, honey, are you okay?”
“She’s fucking drunk,” Blade snarls.
“Fuck you, Blade,” I bite out.
“You two have been drinking?” Jack asks, looking to Brody and back to me.
“We had a few.” I wave casually.
“Honey, I can barely understand you, you’re slurring that much.”
Oops.
“What were you thinking?” Blade snaps at Brody.
“Hey!” I yell. “Don’t you dare blame him. He didn’t make me do anything.”
Brody is standing now, and he looks devastated. His mouth is in a hard line and his eyes are full of pain.
“Brody,” I call, and he turns to me. “Thank you.”
Everyone looks at me like I’ve lost my marbles.
“Don’t feel guilt over this,” I say gently. “Because today you helped me more than anyone has ever been able to help me in my life. I don’t care if they’re angry at us. I’d do it all over again.”
He stares at me for long moments, then smiles. I smile back. We’re cool.
“Ripley,” Jack orders, “walk with Brody. Go home and tell Nancy and Melanie we’ve found Aria. Tell them we’re takin’ her to lunch. I can’t bring her home like this.”
Ripley nods, then turns to Brody. “You got anymore of that alcohol?”
“Ripley!” Jack growls.
I giggle.
Brody walks off with Ripley, and they’re both laughing. I turn to Jack, and he’s giving me a stern expression. “You could have killed yourself out there, Ari.”
I wave a hand. “I’m fine.”
“Dad, give us a minute,” Blade says.
Jack stares at him, and then says, “I’m going to order us some food. Nancy is going to freak if you come home like this. Join me when you’re done.”
When Jack disappears, Blade turns to me. “Listen, Aria…”
“Don’t, Blade,” I breathe, knowing exactly where this is going.
He cups my cheek and I close my eyes, fighting back the pain. “I didn’t know honey, and I’m sorry.”
Honey.
Damn him.
“Please don’t,” I croak. “Not now. Be an asshole, Blade, but don’t stop being what you are because you feel sorry for me.”
“Shit, Aria, I don’t wanna be an asshole to you.”
I meet his eyes and for the first time, I see he’s genuine. It’s the first piece of what he’s kept locked inside that has shined through since we’ve been here.
“Then why the hell are you?”
He closes his eyes for a second, and then looks to the side. “Because I don’t know how else to be. For whatever it’s worth, I am so fuckin’ sorry for what you have lived through.”
He turns us towards where Jack disappeared to, and without another word, walks us up there. My heart aches over his words, and I want to say something more, but I don’t have anything left.
When we arrive, Jack instantly shrugs off his jacket, wrapping it around my shoulders. I feel immediate comfort and a flood of warm memories wash into my mind. My dad used to do this when I was a little girl and I was cold. I snuggle into the jacket and I’m comforted by the fact that it smells like Jack.
“My dad used to do this for me,” I say softly. “Thank you, Jack. I think I might like it if you’re my dad.”
Jack’s face softens immediately, and I know I’m no longer in trouble. Jack wraps an arm around me, giving me a squeeze, and then heads towards the counter when our food is called. While he’s gone, Blade turns to me. “Why did you do that, earlier?”
I blink. “Ride a jet ski?”
His eyes are full of concern. “Ride a jet ski drunk. You could have been killed.”
“Yeah,” I whisper. “And would you have honestly cared?”
He flinches and his face darkens with clear pain. “Don’t pretend to know anything about me, tulip.”
“I know enough about you, remember?” I fire, my drunken head speaking before I actually think about my words. “I know that you’re a good guy and behind this asshole mask, you actually give a shit about people. I know that you loved that weekend with me as much as I loved it. I know that you fucking want me as much as I want you.”
He gives me an unreadable expression, but even behind it I can see his shock.
“Maybe you’re right, Tulip. But because of this situation, you’re never going to know.”
My heart burns.
He looks away and Jack returns with our food. My stomach grumbles at the sight of the burger and fries, not to mention the chocolate shake. We all eat in silence, and Jack’s eyes continue to flick from me to Blade.
“Goin’ to ask you two a question,” he suddenly says.
We both look up.
“Yeah?” Blade says.
“Is there something I’m missing here?”
I shake my head quickly. “No, why?”
“I get the feeling you two have met before, because the way you’re actin’ is strange.”
Oh. Shit.
I look to Blade but he’s got his eyes on Jack. “Never seen her before in my life.”
“Then why all the malice?”
Blade shrugs. “Guess we just don’t see eye to eye. I’m not hungry. I’m going for a walk.”
He stands and disappears. Fuck. I can’t help it. I want to go with him. I feel bad for him, especially after what Brody told me. I push to my feet. “Let me talk to him. Maybe I can work out a way to get along with him better. Thanks for the lunch, Jack.”
He nods at me, and I force a smile before disappearing after Blade.
I find him on the jetty, staring out at the water. I approach him from behind, and see that he’s tense. His fists are clenched and he looks as if he wants to punch someone.
“What’s the problem?” I ask. “You just made Jack even more suspicious.”
He spins around, and his eyes are so hard I flinch. “You’re my problem.”
“I didn’t . . .” I take a calming breath. “I didn’t do anything to you.”
He steps closer. “Yeah, you fuckin’ did. You exist.”
I flinch. “If you hate me so much, go. You don’t have to be here, Blade. No one is asking you to pretend. Just fucking leave.”
He steps closer again. “It killed me, you know.”
Huh?
“What?”
“This morning, when he told me that story. It fuckin’ killed me.”
I swallow. “Don’t,” I whisper.
“I couldn’t begin to grasp the pain you’ve lived through even if I wanted to . . .
“Don’t,” I cry, louder this time. He stops talking and stares at me, clearly confused. “I don’t want you to be nice to me because of that. I want you to be nice because you want to, so please, stop.”
His body jerks and he stares right into my eyes. “You never told me.”
“Would it have changed anything?” I laugh, but it’s broken.
“No, but I mightn’t have . . .”
“What?” I yell, losing it. “Fucked me? Made me care for you? Left me with nothing? What, Blade? What wouldn’t you have done?”
His jaw ticks and he stares at his feet. “I wouldn’t have been such a prick.”
“Oh no you don’t,” I cry. “You don’t get to turn back the clock and wish you weren’t an asshole to me because you feel sorry for me. You made your bed, you fucking lie in it.”
“Jesus, Aria,” he barks. “I fucked up. I didn’t know back then.”
“It shouldn’t have mattered,” I say, my voice shaky. “You chose to hurt me and it shouldn’t have been any different just because I had a bad past. You made that choice, Blade.”
“Yeah,” he yells, making my body tremble. “And I’ve regretted it ever since.”
Whoa.
I swallow and blink back my tears. “What?”
“You heard me,” he says, stepping closer. He curls his fingers around my jaw and my world stops. “I fucked up walking away from you; I shouldn’t have done it. I felt it, and it scared the fucking shit out of me. I ran when I should have stayed and now it’s too late. I can’t have you. Even if I fuckin’ wanted you, I couldn’t have you. So I’m angry, and I’m taking it out on you, but fuck, Aria, don’t think that I don’t regret what happened that weekend.”
I swallow and step closer to him. “You’re right,” I whisper. “You did fuck up, and it is too late now.”
His fist launches out and hits the pole behind me. “Fuck!” he yells.
I drop my head and force back my tears. Hearing him admit this means that there was a chance. There was a chance, and now it’s gone. I can never have him, no matter how much I want him.
“We need distance,” he says, his voice low. “I can’t be around you, Aria. If I am, I’ll do something that will fuck this up for everyone. You have to know that me making this choice is for the best. I need to move on.”
Move on. From me.
My heart cracks wide open.
It cracks wide open because I know he’s right. We can’t do this and the more we’re testing this fine rope between us, the more likely it is to break. My mom deserves this happiness more than I do. Tears leak out and flow down my cheeks. Blade curses and reaches out, stroking one away with his thumb.
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs. “I know the way I’ve behaved is jacked, but I can’t keep standin’ here watching you and knowing I can’t have you. I don’t know what you changed in me, but it was somethin’. I gotta step back.”
He leans down and takes my chin in his hand and tilts my head back. When our eyes meet, he leans down and he kisses me. He lets me kiss him back. We start slowly at first, just a touch of the lips. When I step closer to him, he opens his mouth and our tongues mingle. God, I’ve missed this. I’ve missed his mouth. I forgot just how amazing it feels. His hand goes to my waist and he pulls me closer, kissing me so deep I forget how to breathe.
Then, just as soon as it began, it’s over. He pulls back and stares down at me. “I’m sorry, Tulip.”
And with that, he turns and walks off.
My heart, it hurts. I slide down until I’m sitting and then I put my head in my hands and cry.
Life can be such an ugly bitch sometimes.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
NOW
I don’t know how long I’m sitting, but it must be a while because soon the wood creaks and I turn to see Ripley coming towards me. I quickly swipe my tears away, but he’s not fooled. He gives me a warm look and sits down beside me. He’s close, but not close enough that we’re touching.
“You’re her, aren’t you?”
“P-p-pardon?”
“The girl he met when he was away a year ago.”
I flinch. He sighs.
“I saw him kiss you before. I was coming to get you and I saw it. After the way you two have been around each other, I put two and two together. Am I right?”
I drop my head. “Yeah.”
“God,” he mutters. “How fucking unlucky is that?”
“You’re telling me,” I say, then I turn to him. “You can’t tell anyone, Ripley. I don’t want this for Mom and Jack. They deserve to be happy.”
“And you don’t?”
I look away. “He’s my step-brother. It’s so wrong.”
“You’re not related. Honestly, I think it’s a stupid word. It should be called something like your-dad-married-my-mom-but-we’re-not-related-brother.”
I laugh softly. “That could get messy.”
“Still, you two aren’t doing anything wrong. You know that, right?”
“Deep down, yeah I do, but you don’t understand. Jack is the best thing that’s happened to Mom since we lost our family. I don’t want to ruin that.”
“You wouldn’t be,” he says. “She can still love Jack; it won’t affect that.”
“But it could. For more than one reason. Firstly, imagine what people would say. They’d taunt them, and rumors would start. Then there’s the risk of something going wrong with Blade and I—what if it ended really badly? That would put a massive rift between our families. Or what if Mom and Jack don’t work out?”
“Those are all big what ifs. Do you really think your mom would care?”
“I don’t know, and I’m not going to find out. Blade agrees. What we had was a few great nights; it’s finished. I need to move on.”
“That’s a lie. I know it was more than a bit of fun and so do you.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
Ripley is silent a while. “You deserve happiness, but I won’t push you. I know how hard it is to admit to something when you’re terrified of the consequences.”
I raise my brows and look at him. “Care to share?”
He studies me. “Can I trust you?”
“Sure.” I nod. He can trust me. They all can. I won’t say a word about Brody and his story and whatever Ripley tells me, I won’t share either.
“I haven’t . . . I haven’t told anyone before.”
“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to, but if you do, I’m listening.”
He’s quiet a while and I figure he’s going to pull out, but instead he says, “I’m gay.”
I jerk and turn to him, shocked. “Excuse me?”
He looks away. “I’ve known for a long time. I don’t know how to tell them . . . Dad is so manly and so are Brody and Blade. They’d never understand.”
Oh god, poor Ripley.
“You might be surprised,” I say gently. “You can’t keep that to yourself forever. It’ll break you.”
He looks at me, and I want to reach over and hug him. “Do you think it’s awful?”
My eyes widen. “Jesus, no. If that’s who you are, that’s who you are.”
He smiles. “Really?”
“Of course. No judgment here.”
“You won’t tell them?”
I shake my head. “Nope. That’s your place. I won’t tell a soul.”
And I won’t.
“Thank you,” he says. “I think I might like having a sister. Maybe not as much as Blade, though.”
I shove his shoulder and he laughs loudly, wrapping his arm around me.
Dammit. These boys are getting to me.
~*~*~*~
“Are you okay?” Mom says, hugging me close.
“I’m fine. It’s just a scratch.”
Jack told her I fell off the jet ski, but he didn’t tell her I was drunk. The cut on my head is no more than a scratch that just bled well because of the water. I don’t even think it warrants a Band-Aid. Still, my mom worries, and I hate that I did something so reckless. It wasn’t fair, because if something had happened, it would destroy her. I’ll think before I act next time around.
“You had me worried,” she says, sitting us both down on the couch. “Jack told me what happened this morning. I was beside myself.”
“I’m okay,” I say, and I mean it. “I was just . . . it was hard to deal with, but I’m okay. The guys understand now, and today I had a breakthrough with, well, all of them.”
She beams. “That makes me so happy.”
I hug her. “I’m sorry I worried you.”
“Never be sorry, sweetheart.”
“There you are!”
We both turn to see Melanie running through the door. She launches herself at me, making us both fall back on the couch. “Don’t you ever scare me like that again. I couldn’t find you and I heard what happened. Damn you, woman.”
I push her off and sit up, but I give her a smile. “I’m sorry.”
“You will be,” she says, waggling her finger in my face. “You will be!”
Mom stands. “I’ll leave you girls to it.”
Melanie flops down beside me. “What happened?”
I shrug. “Nothing. I had a dream, Jack told them about it and I freaked out.”
“Brody was with you all day,” she says.
I nod. “Yeah, he was. I’m glad for it, too.”
“Did he say much?”
I shake my head. “Nah, we just got drunk and talked about random shit. Which is exactly what I needed.”
She sighs. “I’m so jealous. You have three awesome guys in your life.”
I beam. “Yeah, I do.”
“Damn you.”
I laugh. “Remind me never to drink again, though. Honestly.”
“So Bryce’s party is out tonight?”
I frown. “He’s having another one?”
She nods. “Yeppers, you keen?”
I shrug. “Sure, but no alcohol.”
She laughs. “Sounds good, because you smell.”
I lean down and smell my shirt. Ugh, I so do. “Right, shower time.”
“Hey Ari?” she says when I stand.
“Yeah?”
“You know I’m always here for you, right?”
I smile and my lips tremble. “God yeah, I know that.”
She gives me a warm smile. “Good.”
“I’m showering, then we’ll go for a walk.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
