by Lauren Leto
CLIFFORD
A big, red dog who…wait, does Clifford ever do anything? It’s a boring book for boring kids. A gigantic dog that doesn’t eat humans or at least crush a couple of houses? Snooze fest. Congratulations on begetting an average kid who will find a great position in middle management and have a somewhat happy marriage.
GREEN EGGS AND HAM
The perennial favorite of any gross-out kid—the one who throws boogers at classmates, pees his pants laughing at fart jokes, and pretends to blow up nearby buildings with the air bazooka he’s holding. In short: awesome.
THE VELVETEEN RABBIT
A crybaby in the purest sense of the term. Your child will get sentimental and emotionally attached to seemingly any object. These are the kids who won’t let a balloon go until it’s wilted on their bedroom floor. They’ll try to keep June bugs as pets. If they went to Hogwarts, they’d get placed in Hufflepuff.
LOVE YOU FOREVER
Daddy issues. The entire book makes not one mention of a father. Also, the whole taking-care-of-your-mother-as-an-old-woman thing is deeply creepy. Five-year-olds don’t need to know about that.
A LIGHT IN THE ATTIC
The edgy alternative to Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree. Parents, you’re going to end up with a stoner on your hands. A wonderful, happy, creative pothead. How could you not? This collection of Silverstein poems is best read high. It’s only a matter of years before your kid tokes up and pulls out this book to blow his mind.
THE LITTLE PRINCE
Quietly contemplative. Regal. The other kids might call him names but you know your child is just introverted. He is far too busy contemplating the tao of life to bother with childhood rowdiness.
HAROLD AND THE PURPLE CRAYON
When your grown-up kid is delivering the news of his second or third divorce, remember all the nights you spent reading him this book, telling him that a boy could dance around with a purple crayon and make anything he wanted come to reality. Then stop wondering why he won’t stop sleeping with his secretaries. The answer is right here.
CURIOUS GEORGE
The creepy monkey kid whom no one likes. Seriously, why did the kid who loved monkeys always also look like a monkey? If you pick your kid up from school and a bunch of the other students are having him imitate an ape, you have to put your foot down. If not, in about ten years no one will go to prom with monkey kid.
WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE
Navel-gazing Tumblr addict. Seriously, Spike Jonze makes a movie about a children’s book and suddenly every hipster “omg < 3”s it. Next.
ELOISE
“Narcissist” is too easy and much too simple a word to describe Eloise fans. Those nosy gossips with a taste for high-class clubbing and the ability to seek out the best sample sales will be moving straight to a big city after college graduation. Just wait for their e-mails eagerly sharing their photos on The Sartorialist and mentions in the local gossip rag.
THE BERENSTAIN BEARS
Wild, hyperactive kid who gets kicked out of class for laughing too hard at things that aren’t funny. They’re unable to gauge when and how to end the joking around. If you oblige them with a chuckle, you’re inviting them to beat the joke into the ground.
THE WIND IN THE WILLOWS
Boring, crusty-nosed girl with glasses who hangs out in the library. I’m yawning just thinking about that book.
PANCAKES FOR BREAKFAST
This is a great book to read to your child if you never want to see your child again. You’re creating an adventurer. The “I’m going to move to Denver for a couple years and see how it pans out instead of graduating college!” kid. The “I think it’s a great idea to move to Paris without a job and see where life takes me!” kid. It’s awesome that you’ve created an independent adult but you might get lonely on the holidays.
MADELINE
Horrifyingly obedient, to the point where you can be reassured that even if you traveled out of town for a month and left her alone, your teenage daughter wouldn’t dare throw a party or look twice at the liquor cabinet. As an adult, she becomes a church group leader, even though you didn’t raise her with religion.
Stereotyping People by Favorite Author
THERE’S SOMETHING ESSENTIAL ABOUT our choice of our favorite author or book. We love those who speak to our experiences or to what we wish our world to be like. The author we put on a mantel and formally designate as our favorite says something very real and fundamental about how we view the world. A science fiction fan loves the alternate reality a book presents but knows it’s not real. From those dystopian societies, she doesn’t derive the expectation that she’ll someday live on Mars—she takes, instead, the feeling of adventure and endless possibilities. A Faulkner fan might not live in the South nor have any plans to, but he believes in the power of families and small communities. Your favorite author frames your approach to life. Having our favorite authors’ names proudly displayed on our bookshelves is our way of most aptly expressing the otherwise inexpressible.
I am hardly the first person to point out that a particular author’s fans often share a distinct personality type. Martin Amis once said of his experience at a book signing with Roald Dahl, “[At] signing sessions with other writers…you look at the queues at each table and you can see definite human types gathering there.” Like attracts like—and here are some authors who seem to attract a particular breed.
J. D. SALINGER
Kids who don’t fit in (duh).
STEPHENIE MEYER
People who type like this: “OMG. Mah fAvvv <3 <3.”
J. K. ROWLING
Smart geeks.
JACK KEROUAC
Umphrey’s McGee fans.
JEFFREY EUGENIDES
Girls who didn’t get enough drama when they were younger.
LAUREN WEISBERGER
Girls who can’t read. Or think.
JONATHAN SAFRAN FOER
Thirtysomethings who were cool when they were twentysomething.
JODI PICOULT
Your mom when she’s at her time of the month.
CHUCK KLOSTERMAN
Boys who don’t read.
CHUCK PALAHNIUK
Boys who can’t read.
CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS
People I would love to hang out with.
LEO TOLSTOY
Guys I want to date.
FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY
Guys I want to sleep with. (The difference between Dostoyevsky and Tolstoy lies in the fact that I think the Underground Man is sexier than Pierre Bezukhov.)
CHRISTOPHER BUCKLEY (OR WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY)
People who love excess verbiage.
AYN RAND
Workaholics seeking validation.
DAVID FOSTER WALLACE
Confirmed nineties literati.
JANE AUSTEN (OR THE BRONTË SISTERS)
Girls who made out with other girls in college when they were going through a “phase.”
HARUKI MURAKAMI
People who like good music.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
People who can start a fire.
NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE
People who used to sleep so deeply that they would pee their pants.
CHARLES DICKENS
Ninth graders who think they’re going to be authors someday but end up in marketing.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
People who like bondage.
MARK TWAIN
Liars.
SIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE
People who drink scotch.
JOSEPH CONRAD
People who drink old-fashioneds.
DOMINICK DUNNE
People who get their class from Vanity Fair.
ANNE RICE
People who don’t use conditioner in their hair.
EDGAR ALLAN POE
Men who live in their mother’s basements. Or goth seventh graders.
MICHAEL CRICHTON
Doctors who went to third-tier medical s
chools.
DAN BROWN
People who used to get lost in supermarkets when they were kids.
DAVE EGGERS
Guys who are in the third-coolest frat of a private college.
EMILY GIFFIN
Women who give their boyfriends marriage ultimatums.
RICHARD RUSSO
People whose favorite day in elementary school was Grandparents’ Day.
ANAÏS NIN
Librarians.
MARGARET ATWOOD
Women whose favorite color is hunter green.
WILLIAM FAULKNER
People who are good at crosswords.
JACKIE COLLINS
Your drunk stepmother.
NICHOLAS SPARKS
Women who are usually constipated.
JAMES PATTERSON
Men who score a 153 on their LSAT exam.
SYLVIA PLATH
Girls who keep journals (too easy).
GEORGE ORWELL
Conspiracy theorists (too easy).
ALDOUS HUXLEY
People who are bigger conspiracy theorists than Orwell fans.
HARPER LEE
People who have read only one book in their life, To Kill a Mockingbird (their assigned reading in the ninth grade, naturally).
NICK HORNBY
Guys who wear skinny jeans and the girls who love them.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
Men who own cottages.
F. SCOTT FITZGERALD
People who get adjustable-rate mortgages.
VLADIMIR NABOKOV
Men who use words like “dubious” and “tenacity.”
FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE
Sommeliers.
BRET EASTON ELLIS
Foo Fighters fans.
HUNTER S. THOMPSON
That kid in your philosophy class with the stupid tattoo.
CORMAC MCCARTHY
Men who don’t eat cream cheese.
THOMAS AQUINAS
Premature ejaculators.
PEARL S. BUCK
Women whose favorite president was Harry S. Truman.
THOMAS PYNCHON
People who used to be fans of J. D. Salinger.
ELIZABETH GILBERT
Women who liked the movie Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood but didn’t read the book.
REBECCA WELLS
Women on the East Coast who wish they were from the South.
TAMA JANOWITZ
Cougars who went to an urban college in the eighties.
ALICE SEBOLD
People who liked Gilmore Girls—even the first season.
MICHAEL SWANWICK
Men who argue Neil Gaiman is overrated.
TERRY GOODKIND
People who have never been Dungeon Master but still play D & D.
STEPHEN KING
Eleventh graders who peed their pants while watching the movie It.
H. P. LOVECRAFT
People who can quote Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons.
THE BROTHERS GRIMM
Only children with Oedipal complexes.
LEWIS CARROLL
People who move to Thailand after high school for the drug scene.
C. S. LEWIS
Youth group leaders who picked their nose in the fourth grade.
ELMORE LEONARD
People who know how to perform a “Michigan left.”
SHEL SILVERSTEIN
Girls who can’t spell “l’chaim.”
DOUGLAS ADAMS
People who bought the first-generation Amazon Kindle.
TUCKER MAX
Guys who haven’t convinced their girlfriends to try anal yet.
ALEXIS DE TOCQUEVILLE
Political theory and constitutional democracy majors.
TOM CLANCY
People who skipped gym by hiding under the bleachers.
HERMANN HESSE
People who own one straw chair in their house.
PHILIPPA GREGORY
Women who have repressed their desire to go to Renaissance festivals.
GABRIEL GARCÍA MÁRQUEZ
Men who can’t lie but will instead be silent if they know you don’t want to hear the truth.
SUSAN WIGGS
Older women who are surprisingly loud during sex.
NICOLE KRAUSS
Girls who intern at Nylon but end up moving back to the Midwest for their real job.
MITCH ALBOM
People who didn’t go to college but do well on crossword puzzles.
STIEG LARSSON
Girls who are too frightened to go skydiving.
SUE GRAFTON
Women who have an @aol.com e-mail address.
SETH GRAHAME-SMITH
People who own a smart phone that requires a stylus to use.
DAVID BALDACCI
No one. Even the police prefer Tom Clancy over Baldacci.
MICHAEL POLLAN
The girl who just turned vegan to cover up her eating disorder.
ANDREW ROSS SORKIN
People who refer to themselves as “playing devil’s advocate.”
O. HENRY
Men who have names like Earl or Cliff and were really close with their paternal grandfather.
MICHAEL CHABON
People who hate Ayelet Waldman.
RAY BRADBURY
People who own souvenir golf club covers.
JOSEPH HELLER
People who love buying drinks for their friends. Also, people who cringe when they read their bar tab.
DAVID MITCHELL
Women who live in any area of Brooklyn other than Park Slope but may end up there someday (and, if that day comes, they will switch to Barbara Kingsolver).
MAX BARRY
People who don’t mind the color orange.
DEAN KOONTZ
People who would never dream of owning any type of “toy”-breed dog.
JOHN IRVING
People whose parents are divorced.
RICHARD DAWKINS
People whose significant others grab them under the table to shut them up whenever a dinner guest says something absolutely ridiculous and wrong.
SALMAN RUSHDIE
People who Google-image-search Padma Lakshmi late at night.
ALBERT CAMUS
People who went to art school after “trying it out” at a public university.
KURT VONNEGUT
People who play “Creep” by Radiohead while having sex or smoking pot.
JAMES JOYCE
People who do not like John Cusack movies.
CHARLAINE HARRIS
Elementary school teacher’s aides.
JORGE LUIS BORGES
People who took care of their dying grandparents.
TERRY PRATCHETT
People who really like monkeys.
OSCAR WILDE
People who can’t resist anything. See also people who claim they’re going to change but never do.
TRUMAN CAPOTE
People who would never dream of owning anything that could be classified as a knickknack.
TOM WOLFE
People who don’t mind others smoking around them.
NEIL GAIMAN
People who can name at least two Miyazaki films.
J. M. COETZEE
People who correct you on the pronunciation of words like “bruschetta” and “pied-à-terre” but cannot speak a language other than their native one.
KEN KESEY
Wavy Gravy.
TOM ROBBINS
Über-fans of the Butthole Surfers.
THOMAS MANN
Men who don’t understand the irony behind hipsters’ mustaches.
PRIMO LEVI
Your European Intellectual History professor.
SAMUEL BECKETT
People who loved Franny and Zooey by J. D. Salinger.
MIRANDA JULY
Girls who want to be described as “quirky.”
HENRY MILLER
People who like smut. Also, peopl
e who use the word “smut.”
JONATHAN LETHEM
People who secretly love John Grisham.
TEDDY WAYNE
People who just decided to start reading edgier contemporary fiction.
NICHOLSON BAKER
People who get into some kinky shit.
PER PETTERSON
The strange man who can’t resist telling you “how great that issue” of McSweeney’s is when you pick it up at the bookstore.
CANDACE BUSHNELL
Women who think fraternity and sorority life matters in college.
PAULO COELHO
A free-spirited PC user.
YANN MARTEL
Your annoying neighbor.
JOSHUA FERRIS
Someone who hasn’t read The Unnamed.
AUGUSTEN BURROUGHS
The caterer at the last soiree you attended.
KURT ANDERSEN
People who are sick of hearing parallels between him and Nick Denton.
ADAM HASLETT
The most boring guy at the dinner party.
JONATHAN DEE
Someone who has no idea what memes are and has no interest in finding out.
How to Fake It
WHAT FOLLOWS IS EVERYTHING you need to know to casually discuss some of the most well-known classic and contemporary authors. Pair these profiles with my section on how to avert discussion of major plot points in a novel and you can hold your own anywhere, under any circumstances.
I’ve broken each author down into three easily digestible sections:
Basics: The bare-bones facts about the author. The author’s genre, dominant themes in their work, and bits about their life story. Where it bears mentioning, I have also included the author’s influences and whom they influenced.
Essentialography: The three most famous or infamous works by the author that you should know, arranged chronologically. I give a sentence-long paraphrase, then five words to add upon the narrative, a sort of slogan or mnemonic device. Since I tried to keep the synopsis as short as possible, please forgive me if I left out a character or part of the plot from a beloved book.
Details: Nitty-gritty and titillating bits of the author’s biography, legacy, and body of work, alongside advice on how to deliver these gems in conversation to a rapt audience.
How to Fake Like You’ve Read Dostoyevsky
BASICS
This classic Russian author’s novels and stories revolve around the character of the “positively beautiful individual”—a person who gives more to others than to himself—and the damage that can result from an individual’s purposeful alienation from society and subsequent selfishness. Think of his theme as the opposite of Charlie Sheen’s “winning” campaign. (There is nothing sexier than a man or woman who believes they should give more than they get, so keep that in mind next time your date mentions their Russian literature degree. For more advice in this department see “Ten Rules for Bookstore Hookups,”.)
