by C. J. Anaya
I shook my head and looked at the ground. Lying to him was easier if I didn’t have to look at him. “I already told you I wasn’t injured. I was ill and the force of——”
He reached his hand up and lightly took my chin, directing my eyes to his. “Don’t lie, little healer. Not to me. Never to me. After everything we’ve been through, do you not possess an ounce of trust for me?”
My eyes watered at this stark reminder of all the secrets I kept from him despite the love and trust I held for him. “I would tell you if I could, but I don’t feel I can talk about it at the moment.”
A low, almost feral growl sounded from the back of his throat. He enfolded me in his arms and held me close to him. “I am meant to protect you from any and all threats to your person, Mikomi. How can I do this if you won’t share with me what monsters threaten you?””
“I think there are simply some monsters in this life that I am meant to fight alone.”
“Ah, therein lies the problem, little healer. You seem to think I’ll actually sit back and let you try. Nothing could be further from the truth.” He pulled back slightly and brushed a strand of hair away from my face. “This marriage may be a farce, but my concern for you is real. I’ll behave with you as I would if we were legally married in every way possible, and as your husband I am meant to carry those burdens. I am meant to protect you from anyone or anything that might jeopardize your safety.”
The possibility that he would even want to consider caring for me as a true husband might, spurred me forward, and I brazenly asked, “Then why haven’t you kissed me yet?””
He startled a little at that, unnerved by my question.
“You do intend to play the part as thoroughly as you possibly can, am I correct?”
“Kissing you has nothing to do—”
“Nothing to do with playing the part of a devoted and protective husband? If I do end up in your camp someday, how on earth will we ever convince anyone that we have developed more than a student/teacher relationship if we can’t at least pretend to feel it? All anyone will sense from us is an easy platonic friendship.” My lips curled up at the edges, and Musubi finally smiled.
“You’re teasing me. Poking fun at my desire to play husband to you.”
“You’re the one making claims of husbandly rights. If you want to claim me then you are going to have to do so emotionally or no one is going to believe you.”
“Emotionally,” he grunted. “You do realize that the likelihood of any of our soldiers paying attention to the dynamics of our relationship is slim to none. It isn’’t as if anyone will be expecting us to publicly show affection.”
I was aware that public displays of affection between men and women were rare, and most marriages were formed out of a need for survival or political convenience. No one understood this concept better than I did. There was no reason to assume that Musubi’s claim as my husband would be challenged in any way, whether the men believed it or not, but my reasons had nothing to do with convincing the rebels of our love for one another, but of convincing Musubi. If I pushed him to do more than verbally claim me, perhaps behaving as if he had feelings for me would work to heal that which was broken within him.
He had spent a long time shielding his heart and his emotions, holding back his capacity for love due to the death of someone he once cared for. Though he was determined to leave his heart cold and empty, I hoped pushing him toward a demonstration of affection might help him release the anger and darkness he held. He simply needed to exercise that complicated muscle resting dormant in his chest. The heart, if never exercised, would eventually feel absolutely nothing. I couldn’’t bear the thought of Musubi failing to feel anything for me simply because he refused to try.
“You can posture and puff out your chest as much as you want if another man attempts an overture, but no one will believe we care for one another on that level if we haven’t formed some sort of connection.”
He considered my words for a moment and then pulled me closer to him and secured my head just under his chin. I relaxed into his embrace, reveling in the moment, fearing that it might slip from me before I had a chance to engrave it upon my memory and burn it within my soul. I reached out my senses and felt wisps of contentment and joy filtering through his nearly impenetrable exterior. The thought that I was the cause of his happiness gave me the courage to tilt my chin up and slowly place a soft kiss upon the corner of his jaw.
I heard his quick intake of breath and felt the flexing of his muscles as his arms crushed me more tightly to his chest. His lips grazed the tip of my ear and then softly landed at my temple where he administered the most tender of kisses before moving to my eyelids and grazing his lips along each one. He continued on to my lips and hovered there for a few moments.
I barely dared breathe for fear I might startle him awake from this hypnotic spell. His top lip found the corner of mine. He didn’t kiss me as I longed for him to. Instead, he used his lips to trace the outline of first my top lip and then the bottom, pausing in the center as my lips parted.
“Mikomi,” he rasped, “I don’t think we should——”
I pressed my lips to his, unwilling to give him a chance to finish that sentence. I’d never managed to get through to him like this before, not when his guard was down and his emotions raw and vulnerable.
His response was immediate, and the happiness radiating from within him wrapped securely around my heart as he deftly took over, offering achingly soft, sweet kisses that left me weak and breathless. He pulled away to look at me, and the hope I saw in his gaze and the absence of anger within his heart gave me reason to think I had made steps toward easing the pain of his past.
He looked visibly shaken by the kisses we shared, as if everything he had previously planned for had been undone with this one momentous act. Clearing his throat, he spoke in hushed tones.
“After that exchange, I can’t imagine anyone assuming there is nothing between us.”
I nodded. “I would imagine any witnesses might come to the natural conclusion that we are in love.”
“In love,” he repeated. A wistful smile graced his lips. Then his countenance fell into sadness. “An emotion which has ruined more people than I will ever be capable of naming.””
His sadness alerted me to the pain he ached to reach for. I tightened my hold on him and forced him to look at me. “It is also an emotion that motivates people to help those who are suffering, share in one another’s burdens and selflessly give all they have just to put a smile on a lover’s face.” I had his full attention now. His hungry gaze desperately took me in, begging me to convince him that falling in love might be worth the risk. “I’’ve seen a mother’s love heal the most debilitating of diseases, while a kind word of encouragement from a friend motivated a young man to turn from drinking to care for his little sister. If Daiki and Hatsumi had been unwilling to show love to a lost twelve-year-old version of myself I never would have lived to see my next birthday.”” Musubi narrowed his eyebrows at my confession, concern for me coursing through him. “My point is this, no matter the pain that love is tethered to there are equal parts of joy and healing that can only work to motivate all of us to become better people. The right kind of love can soften the hardest of hearts, Musubi. I would hate for you to miss out on such a glorious experience.”
“What if I’m never destined to have such an experience?” The pain gripping him was gaining momentum.
“Everyone is meant to have it,” I said, desperate for him to understand. I thought of Katsu’s claim that each one of us was meant to experience everything.
His look turned bitter and cynical. “Not everyone, Mikomi. Not me.”
“Why would you say that? Why would you ever believe that?”
He rubbed his hands along the length of my shoulders and then set me away from him. “I had my one chance at love long ago, and now she’s gone.”
“You have another opportunity—”
“I don’t wa
nt one. There’s too many wrongs that must be made right.”
I swallowed down the hurt I felt, willing my tears to the foreground before I began begging Musubi to simply trust what he felt and give the possibility of us a chance. “If you waste your time righting wrongs of the past you might miss any chance you have to experience love at all.”
He shook his head, anger returning to dominate his thoughts and dictate his behavior. I lost him to that pervasive emotion all too often.
“What is it you want from me, Mikomi?”
“I want you to be honest with yourself and with your feelings. I want you to admit that there is something between us worth pursuing.”
His anger rose, but he worked to control it this time. “There is nothing between us, child. I feel nothing more than the need to protect you just as I desire to protect Akane. I am your teacher and you are my student. That is all.”
I cupped my hand against his cheek. “Why do you lie to yourself about the way you feel? What is it that keeps you from me?”
He jerked back and then ran his hands through his hair, turning his back to me. “I think we should suspend your training for a few days. The stress of the situation has caused us both to behave in ways we normally wouldn’t. I will let Akane know that you are preparing to leave. She will wish to accompany you as far as the ruins.”
“Musubi…”
He hurriedly moved away from me, and I tried to follow, but within a blink of an eye he disappeared, and I was left standing alone with only the faint moonlight for company.
The pain I experienced with his bitter denial of what we felt for one another destroyed me more than any beating my father had ever administered. So maybe this was the side of love that Musubi had been referring to. Strange that I was willing to suffer through such heartache, even if I never succeeded in winning him over.
* * *
I’d barely crept into my bedroom without anyone the wiser when I heard a knocking at my door. It was well past midnight. I couldn’t fathom what might be so important at this hour.
Yao and Chan were on the other side with grim looks painted across their features.
“Mistress, your father has sent several guards to escort you to his quarters.”
I looked at them in puzzlement. “At this hour? Why send so many when it only ever takes two?”
Yao gave me a meaningful look. “I heard that one of his men of high rank has been seriously injured and is in need of your services.”
I’d suspected my father might summon me soon, I just hadn’t expected it to happen tonight. I hadn’t had enough time to rest from my earlier healing or my emotionally draining interlude with Musubi. I had every intention of fulfilling my mission, but I didn’t know if I possessed the strength necessary at the moment.
Katsu wouldn’t condone such abuse to my power. Knowing the emperor, he must have found a way to work around my betrothed.
I glanced past Yao and Chan. Awaiting just outside the door were a handful of soldiers. I didn’t generally talk to any of them let alone make eye contact, but their numbers alarmed me.
“Surely it is not necessary for so many guards to escort me to my father’s quarters,” I said to the one in front, who looked as if he might be in charge.
His eyes widened momentarily at my breach of etiquette. “You will follow us, Princess.”
I stepped forward and was accosted on either side by a stoic looking guard. I felt Yao and Chan’s worried eyes upon me. None of my father’s men touched me, but I could almost feel their hands pushing me forward as we began the long journey through the different palace halls to my father’’s area of business. Upon entering, the doors were shut closed behind me, and an awful caged feeling threatened my composure.
My father stood next to a long window adorned with gold, silk curtains. The faint moonlight streaming through the window might have made him look angelic if I hadn’t had so many years of experience negating that impression. I waited. Any comments or questions I posed would not be well received.
After a few moments he spoke, continuing to face the open window as he did so. “Being a woman, I doubt you can grasp, nay, appreciate the amount of resources it takes to wage a war against an entire empire that is poised to turn on you in an instant.” He swiveled around to face me, eyes flashing and a ghastly smile adorning his wicked features.
I remained silent. I did nothing to defend myself as a woman, and I chose to ignore the impulse to tell him his subjects wouldn’t be so keen to overthrow the empire if he had had the decency to take care of them in the first place. A mess of his own making, but he would never see it that way.
“Resources,” he continued, “vital to my eventual victory are at this very moment being transported by ship across the sea to a specific location, and only one man in my entire army knows those specifics.” He pointed a finger toward a door on the right side of his study. “My first in command lies dying in that room next to us, and due to his unconscious state, he is unable to share those specifics with his emperor before his death. There is only one person capable of gathering this information, information critical to the survival of my armies and this empire, and yet your betrothed has forbidden the abuse of your powers in this manner.” My father tsked lightly under his breath.
I shifted almost imperceptibly under his watchful glare, not wishing to draw more attention to myself than absolutely necessary. I did not like the evil look he gave me, nor the steely resolve in his eyes.
“Quite the conundrum, I say. The one soldier I am counting on to keep this empire afloat will die and his information along with him if the one person capable of retrieving that information refuses to do so.” He tapped a finger to his chin and took a few steps forward. ““Now, I’m fully aware that ordering you to go against the word of your precious future husband puts you in an uncomfortable situation, and any...physical maltreatment to convince you otherwise will earn me a fight I’m simply not ready for, but I think you’ll do exactly as I’ve asked with the right kind of motivation.”
I swallowed hard. “Where is Katsu?”
“Oh, I’m sure he’s arrived by now. He’ll simply have to fight his way through several hundred guards in order to get to you, but by then I’m sure you will have acquiesced to my wishes.”
Katsu, by his very nature, was practically invincible, but I didn’t like the victorious look on my father’s face, as if he’d already won some power struggle I’’d yet to uncover. I felt real fear for the warrior god. I had to swiftly diffuse this situation.
“This is all unnecessary. I will gather the intelligence without the need for threats or, as you put it, the right kind of motivation.”
I heard shouting through the doors. The warrior god had discovered my whereabouts. Under other circumstances I might have felt relief, but I had my own reasons for wanting the information the unconscious soldier in the other room had to offer. I couldn’t afford to let Katsu gain entry before I recovered the delivery location for Akane and Musubi. I was also extremely puzzled by my father’’s behavior. Even a few hundred guards wouldn’t keep Katsu occupied for long. It was hardly a smart move to make, nor a certainty that it would buy me the time needed.
I took a step toward the side door, but before I could move any further a tremendous battering noise echoed through the room, and the double doors of my father’s study fairly exploded, revealing Katsu standing between what was left of the shattered doors. He breathed heavily, and there was fire in his eyes, but there didn’t appear to be a scratch on him.
I never should have doubted his safety. A kami such as Katsu wasn’t to be trifled with.
“You have been warned about this, Fukurokuju. Mikomi’s powers are not to be used in such an abominable manner. She is not a spy, nor is she a member of your army.”
My father’s calm exterior never wavered, even in the face of Katsu’s open hostility. “Why, Katsu, I believe it is for The Healer to decide how her powers should and shouldn’’t be used.”
Since when?
I raised my eyebrows and then ducked my head before my father noticed.
Katsu held his hand out. “Mikomi, we are leaving, and you are never to return to this area of the palace again.”
I held my position, fearing my father had more up his sleeve. He wasn’t going to allow that information to slip from his grasp so easily.
“Of course, if Mikomi wishes to leave she is more than welcome to.” I turned to look at my father, noting his air of superiority. He clearly thought he had the upper hand in all of this, which meant he most likely did. I waited for the other shoe to drop and when it did I cursed myself for my reckless stupidity. My father pointed to the closed door from where his first in command lay unconscious, fighting for his life. After making a shrill whistling noise the door burst open and a guard pulled a man and woman into the room, forcing them to their knees.
“Hatsumi! Daiki!” I rushed to them, but the guard pulled a knife from his side and held it to Hatsumi’s neck. She screamed in pain as the sharp blade nicked the side of her neck. Daiki struggled to fight, but his hands were tied behind his back and another guard came forward to subdue him.
I was unfamiliar with the kind of rage that leaves an acidic taste in your mouth. I hardly knew how to cope under its influence and glared at my father instead, fighting my suicidal desire to attack him and gouge his eyes out with my own fingernails.
I schooled my expression and leveled my voice. “I told you all of this was unnecessary. I will help you retrieve the information you desire. You don’t need to hurt these people.”
My father’s smile took on a wicked glint. “Isn’t it interesting that she should care about these peasants? Though I think a more relevant question to pose is how she knew the prisoners’ names in the first place. Perhaps you’d like her to explain herself.” My father turned his innocently expectant look upon Katsu.
