Chapter Nineteen
Flynn
I can’t sit still when I get back to the apartment, so I text my brother asking where he is. I need some perspective. He doesn’t answer.
When I think of Myles, I begin to shake. A cold shiver runs through my body. The tears start slowly at first, as Tara’s words ring through my mind. Blame equaled anger, and I was mad that I had lost my parents to an idiot that decided to drink too much. Tara’s words feel like a punch to the gut.
The world had been a dark place. I thought I’d been moving forward, but I hadn’t. My life was mediocre at best.
I don’t do mediocre. I’m a perfectionist. I consider it my greatest gift and my worst flaw.
I’m a mess. I go to the counter to grab a tissue and wipe my snot-covered face. Looking in the mirror, I repeat Tara’s words. “Smolder wasn’t to blame. He was a victim, too.”
Her words take me back seven years to the night of the draft party. It was the night Myles confessed he had feelings for me. It was also the evening my parents were killed in a car crash. A man with a history of drunk driving left a bar loaded and rammed his pickup truck into my parents’ car while Myles was driving because my dad had a few beers that night. Myles had been the number one pick of the draft, and the Maple Leafs were given first choice. They chose Myles. My entire family was at the Sport Center draft party in Niagara Falls, since Oli had also entered the draft that year.
I blamed Myles because he should have found a way to avoid the pickup truck. He could have swerved out of the way, and my parents would be alive.
My mother had been sitting up front, and my father was sitting in the back seat with Oli. Oli and Myles were on one side of the car, my parents on the other. It was a miracle Myles and Oli escaped with only cuts and bruises. Any injury could have ended their careers.
The drunk driver was killed on impact.
Even with this moment of clarity, I can’t stop crying. Or maybe it’s the memories of that night burning through my soul and preventing me from stopping. On shaky legs I walk over to the speakers and turn the music loud enough to drown out my thoughts. Only the memories are still there. Nothing seems loud enough to drown out this pain. I head to the refrigerator, thinking some emotional eating may cure me. I make myself a huge sandwich like Myles ate the other night. When I go to take a bite of it, my insides churn, and I feel like I can crawl out of my own skin. I take large bites of the sandwich, eating like I’m drowning in it, but it goes down my throat like sandpaper. This day has been so fucking crazy. My brain can’t keep up.
I lost everything that night.
I have to find a way to stop crying. I swipe harshly at my tears. My mouth is so full, the lettuce pokes out from the corners, but it isn’t enough to ease my pain. I swallow all the food in my mouth and begin singing at the top of my lungs. Eyes closed, I belt out tunes, willing my thoughts to simmer down and my panic to cease. Suddenly it feels like I am being watched, and that would be a bad thing because I must look crazy right now. I open my eyes slowly to make sure I’m truly alone. I flinch when I see Oli standing in front of me with a questioning glare. I pause everything I’m doing and stand frozen in my spot. I may even be a little embarrassed when the damn tears start to flow again. Fuck. It’s the last thing my brother needs to see.
Oli’s face contorts with confusion, and I burst out laughing like a madwoman.
“Everything okay?” he shouts over the music. I suddenly realize how loud the sound truly is. I crash back down to earth and think of Oli’s neighbors. I’ve really messed up.
Holding my breath, I dash across the room to the phone dock for the Bose to lower the music.
“You’re going to make my neighbors hate me. What the hell is going on?” Oli asks, but he isn’t moving, almost like he’s scared I will run if he does. My twin knows me well. A part of me does want to run out of this apartment rather than face my brother and admit my feelings.
“I’m sorry.” I exhale, trying to gather my racing thoughts, but as the first words leave my lips, my mouth trembles, and I break into a fit of tears. I try and swipe the tears away before they fall, but it’s no use. I’m a whimpering mess.
“Hey, Flynny.” Oli’s voice is soft as he closes the steps between us and pulls me into his embrace. He runs his hand over my hair. “Come here.” We sit on the couch. I try to breathe slowly so I can control the tears.
When I finally gain some control, I say, “I realized something today.” My tone is a lot more even than I expect.
“Oh yeah, what’s that?” Oli’s voice is thoughtful. It reminds me of how close and connected we were as children, and how much I missed that connection with my twin.
“My boss at work presented me with a drunk driving case.”
Oli let’s out a sharp hiss. “Shit!”
“It was a good thing, Oli. I get what you’ve been trying to tell me about Myles now. I was sad. I was looking to blame…” I begin to explain. When I look into Oli’s hazel eyes there are tears threatening to spill, but as usual, he holds them in because he wants to be strong for me.
“I know, honey,” he says softly.
“I was sad for so long. It made me feel like I was a victim. Then came the anger, and it felt so empowering. It allowed me to fight the sadness. Only I couldn’t win, and I wasn’t willing to admit that to myself, so I held on to blaming Myles.” I shake my head.
“I know,” he answers, his own words seeming to get caught in his throat. “Things happened so fast, it was hard to process. I don’t want you beating yourself up. Myles…he understands. He just wants you to be happy. That’s all we both want,” my brother says, and it makes me feel like the worst person on the planet. I’ve mistreated my Peter Pan. I don’t know how he bears to even come around.
“Myles must think I’m such a bitch.” My self-deprecation can’t be worse than what he must think of me. “He must think I’m a crazy, a loon.” I go on a tangent, feeling like a stupid fool.
“Flynn.” Oli’s voice pulls me from my attack on myself.
I stop and look at him.
He looks at me like he’s scared I may break. “I’m going to say something, and I don’t want you to freak out,” he says hesitantly. Something in his tone makes me more nervous than I already am, and butterflies begin to swim in my stomach.
“What is it?” I ask, anxiously swiping a tear from my eye. “I won’t flip out,” I say, even though I don’t trust myself right now. Maybe I will flip out and scare my brother even more. “Spill it, Oli,” I urge him because my curiosity is killing me.
“You and, uh, Myles… You like each other.” He’s mumbling now. “More than friends.” He laughs, shaking his head. “Why is this so weird? We are grown-ups,” he says to himself. He swipes a harsh hand over his mouth and straightens his shoulders. “Fuck this,” he murmurs under his breath. “Flynn, you’ve liked him more than a friend your whole life. I hate to see you miserable right now. You should do something about it.” Oli’s tone goes from unsure to certain in the blink of an eye.
“Wha…uh…” My head spins before realization strikes. “Oh.” Now I understand why he set us up last night. Maybe he thinks we should try to be together, maybe date. But I don’t know if we have what it takes to have an adult relationship. And if things didn’t work out with him, everything would be even more awkward.
“I know, Flynn. We all knew. Mom, Dad…” His voice trails off.
My eyes turn into saucers.
Oli frowns. “Mom and Dad said I shouldn’t say anything.” He smiles sadly. “That I should let nature take its course, and I did for a long time. It made sense. We were young. Myles was living away from home, trying to establish himself. Mom and Dad always said your time would come, but you two are scared, stubborn fools, so I’m stepping in.” He nods firmly.
“I…uh…” I’m still speechless.
My brother breaks into a fit of laughter.
My parents approved. I wonder what Myles would think of that. He never thought he was goo
d enough. I probably helped make him feel that way.
I throw my arms around Oli’s neck, and he falls back. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do.”
He pulls his head back, his brows creased together. “But?” he asks as if he can read my mind.
“Myles and I have deeper issues.” I take a heavy breath and pull away from my brother. “He stayed away, and he didn’t fight for me, Oli. He’s been living the high life, screwing a bunch of puck bunnies. He isn’t the Myles I once knew.”
My brother winces and rightfully so. He clearly has a harem of women he sleeps with. “Myles doesn’t get around that much, honestly.” His lips twist, and he gives me a look that says he wishes he had a better argument for me. I turn to walk away…
“Wait,” my brother calls out, and I spin around.
“He’s a good guy, Flynn. He’s just got a lot of issues. You know that.” Oli gives me a look that says be more compassionate.
The air between us is laced with a sadness. He wants to reassure me, but he can’t. He’s my twin. I can practically get inside his head right now.
“I’m late for a practice,” he says, standing up from the couch. “We have a big home game tomorrow night against the Penguins. Gotta go, or coach is going to whip my ass.”
“Go.” I wave him off.
He grabs his jacket and keys. “You gotta talk to Myles.”
“I know,” I answer, wrapping my arms around my torso.
“Later,” Oli calls, and walks out the door.
I don’t know what to say or how to explain to Myles the hurricane of emotions I’m feeling, but I do agree that my ex-best-friend deserves an explanation.
Chapter Twenty
Myles
Coach worked us hard tonight. After we went over some plays from some of the recent games the Penguins won, Coach dismisses us and tells us to get a good night’s rest.
Oli stops me on the way out of the locker room. “Hey, man, do you think we can grab a beer?”
I look to the clock on the far wall of the locker room. “It’s late, man. We should head home.”
“We need to talk. I can’t do that in my apartment with my sister there,” he explains. I wonder what this is about.
My head tilts sideways and my brows furrow together. “Uh, okay…” Whatever it is it must be important, because we need to head home to get well rested for our big game tomorrow night.
We grab our bags and head out.
“I’ll meet you at Malone’s, yeah?” Oli asks as we separate to our cars.
I nod.
He has one beer and a bottled water sitting on the table waiting when I get there. “Thanks, man.” I nod and place my jacket on the bench of the booth before sliding in.
“What’s going on?” I ask, getting right to the point.
“Flynn’s been having a tough time since moving to Chicago, and today something happened at her firm. She was presented a drunk driving case.”
I hiss loudly.
“Yeah, my thoughts exactly.”
“Well, is she okay?”
“She’s fine, but somehow her boss got her to see that you aren’t to blame for what happened.” He speaks slowly, choosing his words carefully because the whole situation is fucked-up and it isn’t easy for any of us to talk about.
“Fuck, Oli…” I begin, but my head is spinning from his revelation.
Flynn is over the blame. I’m fucking happy, but there’s another problem, one Oli refuses to talk about. Something I’ve been sworn to secrecy to keep. I won’t go back on my word, but it isn’t the only thing that has kept me away from Flynn. My personal demons coat me like a heavy blanket I can’t get rid of. I won’t ever be good enough for her. It’s the reason I actually listened to my best friend when he told me it was best to keep my distance from Flynn. I try to gain control of my racing thoughts.
I’ve come to grips with the fact my parents weren’t the greatest, and maybe it wasn’t me. The only time I hear from my mom is when she needs money. Since having Flynn back in town, I’ve been poking holes in my own argument, convincing myself that maybe I do deserve her.
“I don’t want to talk about the past, Myles. I’m here because I know you have feelings for my sister,” he says bluntly.
I half cough, half choke. “Fuck.” I run my fingers through my hair.
“My parents thought you two would get together at some point,” he admits, holding the glass of beer. I pause to take a sip of my water while trying to process what he’s said. His parents knew I wanted their daughter and they were fine with it? That can’t be right. I must have heard him wrong.
I realize I owe my friend an explanation. “Man, fuck. I’m sorry. Maybe I should’ve said something earlier. I thought you’d be pissed because she’s your sister.”
Oli shakes his head.
“I don’t know. It was weird for me. She’s Flynn,” I say.
Oli glances at his watch. It’s getting late. “Look, I just want to know where your head is at concerning my sister. I don’t need her getting hurt,” he says.
I smile and shake my head.
“Talk to me, man,” he urges. “Whatever it is, just lay it out.”
I exhale harshly. “I don’t know that I can give Flynn what she needs,” I confess.
“You’re a good guy.”
I huff. “Neither of us is a good guy anymore, Oli. We’ve both been through more chicks than we can count.”
“I can’t argue with that, but it’s our lifestyle, man. Do you wanna tell me that you’ve had sex since I told you Flynn was moving to Chicago? Because I haven’t seen you with a single girl, and neither has Dave or Nils or Derek. They’ve all been asking me if you’ve lost it.” When we’re on the road, there’s a lot of hooking up going on, and I’ve been calling early nights all the time.
“I haven’t been hooking up, but that doesn’t make me good for her. I’ve had feelings for her ever since I can remember, but I’m not the guy she needs. And I’m always going to have secrets.” I deflate. I grab my jacket and throw a twenty-dollar bill on the table.
“Myles, wait.” He stands up to stop me.
“Oli, you need to come clean to her,” I say. “She deserves to know the truth. Besides, even if I wanted to be with her, that damn guilt is there every time she looks me in the eye.”
“I know.” He gives me a sad look.
“You need to tell her sooner rather than later.” I don’t want to pressure him, but time is running out.
This lie has gone on too long, and it has to end because I’m fucking unraveling having her so close. Now hearing that his family knew about our feelings for each other, that they accepted me…it mends my broken parts just a little. “A part of me wants to try to be a better man for her.”
Oli stares me straight in the eye. He knows I’m not fucking around. I sense his fear.
“See you in the morning,” I say, because we need our rest for the game tomorrow.
“Yeah.” He sighs, staring at his beer bottle. He’s probably trying to figure out how to fix the mess we made. I head back to my apartment and allow his words to truly penetrate. There’s no question that I want Flynn.
But if I’m doing this, there’s no turning back.
Chapter Twenty-One
Myles
I toss and turn. I’m never getting to sleep without some help. I head into the kitchen where I have a cabinet filled with alcohol I barely touch. I place the bottle of whiskey on the table with a shot glass and get to work drinking away my sorrows. I haven’t done this in a while, but heck, I have to admit my old friend whiskey has never let me down.
I pour another shot into the single shot glass I own. It doesn’t burn going down, which tells me I’m on my way to numb. I shouldn’t be drinking tonight, considering we have a big game tomorrow, but Oliver just laid some fucking heavy shit on me.
I find myself walking over to Oli’s apartment. I’m not sure why, other than I need to talk to Flynn. Probably a bad idea given how d
runk I am. I stumble through the front door and slam into the wall. I can’t just walk into her room. Last time she nearly poked my eye out.
“What the hell is going on out here?”
Flynn stands there rubbing her eyes, which are half closed. “Myles, what are you doing?” she asks, her voice raspy and tired. I sway as I take in her sexy little tank top and sleep shorts. Fuck, I want her bad. I’m sick of being a gentleman around her.
“Are you drunk?” Her face scrunches up. She’s adorable.
“Just a little.” I laugh and press my fingertip to my thumb.
“Myles, I think you should go back to your place and sleep it off,” she says. She’s probably right, but I have too much shit sitting on my chest. I stare at her a little too long.
“Fuck, you’re beautiful. I wish I didn’t think you were so damn beautiful inside and out.” I sigh.
She frowns and takes a step toward me. “Talk to me, Myles.” She sounds worried.
“I can’t. I can’t talk to you because that makes me want you. I ache for you. You have no idea. When I came to New York, I came for you not him.” I tilt my chin to Oli’s room. A part of me is aware that I’m a fumbling drunk who is talking too much, but I can’t stop. “He said you were doing well in school, you were finally settling down. I didn’t want to ruin you. I never wanted to ruin you.” My head falls on her shoulder, and she caresses the back of my neck.
“Myles…” she whispers.
“Fuck, Myles, what the fuck?” Oli’s bedroom door flies open, and I flinch backward, lifting my head to look at him. He stares at me with one eye half shut.
“What’s wrong with you? I need sleep,” he says with a commanding tone. Can’t blame him, either.
“He’s drunk off his ass,” Flynn chimes in. Oli gives her a look that says he can already see that.
“Go sleep it off.” Oli waves me off.
“I got this. Go back to bed.” He says to Flynn like he’s her father.
She crosses her arms. “No. I want to help him. He’s my friend, too.”
Oli rolls his eyes. “Fuck. Let’s get him back to his apartment, then.”
Big Stick Page 11
