by Emily Camp
Why did I feel guilty about something I didn’t even remember doing? It was like it was another person that did that. But I know how important the races were to him. I knew that’s what he always did with his dad. And I knew what it was like to be missing a parent.
“You said I was just jealous of Trey. You were right. I was.” He lifted his knees. His legs were long and lanky. “But I kept pushing until finally, I pushed you away.”
“But I …”
He held a hand up. “About a month after I’d given up. I was in here.” He motioned around the room. “Minding my own business, playing my video game, when your head popped up.” He pointed to the gap in the wood, left for us to climb through. “Like a game of whack-a-mole.” He thumped his boot on the wooden floor. “You said you were sorry, you missed me. Things started to go back to the way they were. You and Trey had broken up and by the end of the week, you kissed me.”
“I what?”
He nodded as he took his vape back out of his pocket. “I thought we were going to get together, but when you pulled away, you said it was a mistake.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking,” I said.
His brow furrowed, and his lips pursed.
“I … that came out wrong. I just don’t know where my head was … not that kissing you would be …” I looked at his pale lips then closed my eyes and shook my head. “I just don’t remember.”
“I know.” He put the vape to his mouth and hit it then blew out the vapor.
My arms were wrapped around Henry’s neck. His deep eyes stared into mine. The wooden slats beneath us cold against my back. He smiled, revealing a dimple on his cheek. I leaned forward to kiss that dimple. His long hair fell around our faces creating a curtain around us. It was like we were the only people in the world, just me and him.
Henry and me.
This was the only place I felt safe enough to be myself. He was the only one I could let my guard down around.
“They came and questioned me after you disappeared.”
“Who?” Henry pulled me out of my own thoughts. Was that a memory? It felt real.
“The cops, thanks to your friends.”
My heart sped up. The wind whistled through the slats of the tree house walls, which chilled me. I looked at the floor, my escape right by his knee. I was stupid for coming here. I pulled my phone out of my pocket. After everything I did to him, of course, he would want to kill me. “I think I better …” my phone fell out of my shaking hand.
He tilted his head and smirked at me. “Are you nervous?”
“How do I know you didn’t try to hurt me?” I fumbled as I picked up my phone.
He let out a slow laugh as he stood. He leaned into me. He smelled like leather and spice and that vanilla vape. “Believe what you want. But, I had an alibi. I was at Shawn Jacob’s party. Several people saw me. You wanna know who wasn’t?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. Henry said the one thing I’d been thinking. Trey hadn’t been at the party, because he was fighting with me.
“Trey.” My voice came out scratchy. “Can you tell me what you know about my relationship with him. I confided in you, right?”
“I was your booty call, not your confidant,” he smirked.
“What do you mean?”
Henry ran his hand over his face. “Every time you and Trey fought, this was where you came.”
“Okay, now you’re just being a jerk.” I started toward the exit, he caught my wrist.
“It was more than that.” His voice was smooth like chocolate.
“I don’t know what’s going on.” My voice cracked.
My face was between his hands. He stared down at me with those eyes that reminded me of the sea. “Sawyer.” Though it was a whisper I felt it all the way to my feet. “It’s more than that.”
“I remember some of it. It’s … it’s like there’s a filter over the memory, but it’s there. You said the same thing to me that you just said.” I tilted my face toward his. It was so close I could smell the vanilla on his breath. “I felt … I felt safe.” I closed my eyes. I couldn’t do this, stay here with this version of Henry. “I should go.”
“No, wait.” He tugged on me, pulling me closer. “What else do you remember?”
“That’s it.” I wiggled my arm free.
“Why did you do it? Why did you pretend that I was stalking you?”
“I didn’t. Stop saying that.”
He grabbed his hair and kicked the wall, making the treehouse groan.
I startled but was too scared to move.
“I was in love with you,” he said.
I blinked back the tears, shaking my head.
“You used me.” His voice cracked. “Over and over again.” He jabbed a finger at his chest. “I was okay letting you go. I would have if that was what you wanted, but you kept coming back. Every time … every time you showed up I thought, this time would be different. That you would finally pick me.”
I fisted my hands at my sides despite the tear that dripped from my eye. I sounded like my mom. How could I do that to him knowing she’d done that very same thing to me?
The floor creaked as he paced, hands in his hair. “I was so stupid that day. You were at my door, you smiled up at me and said that you loved me, you always had. That you were done playing games. I was so happy. It was cold and raining. Instead of coming out here we went to my room.” He looked at the ceiling and shook his head. “Then I left to get you water … when I came back there was that box.” He slammed his fist into the wall. My heart dropped when the treehouse creaked and swayed. “I just want to know why? Why would you bring a twisted box here and then pretend it was mine? Why not just leave me alone? Why? Sawyer? Why?” His voice rose with each syllable. I stared at my exit as he paced between it and me.
“I don’t know.”
“Did I ever tell Trey about us? Yes, I did. That jerk … he acts like he owns you and I just wanted him to know he didn’t. But I … I would have left you alone if you would have left me alone.” He was shouting and I didn’t like the noises that the tree house made below us.
“Stop.” I shouted over him, tears plummeting from my eyes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Henry paused. His body turned away from me, he looked up at the ceiling, his hand on the back of his neck. “I’m sorry.” His voice came out husky.
“I don’t remember,” I sniffed, “but I know I wouldn’t have hurt you.”
“But you did, Sawyer,” his loud words made me jump. “You took my heart and you trampled all over it.” He slammed his boot into the ground.
“Please stop.” My words came out choppy through my sobs. I didn’t like this. I didn’t like his yelling. I didn’t like feeling like I was going to fall. I didn’t like not knowing what he was talking about.
He finally turned toward me. When he looked at me, the anger melted off his face and he stepped closer, pulling me into his arms. I buried my face in my hands and sobbed against him. Another memory rose from the depths of my broken mind. It was as if they were all underwater. Every once in a while one would fill up with air and float to the surface.
I remembered standing here in this exact same spot, doing the exact same thing. I didn’t know what I was crying about, but I knew that this happened before.
“Sawyer.” His voice was so much softer than a moment before. He cradled the back of my head with his hand, holding it to his chest which smelled like leather.
After a hug I never wanted to end, he took me by my shoulders and looked me right in the eyes. I thought he was going to say something about us. Maybe that we were still best friends, I don’t know what I expected, but instead, he said, “You should probably go.”
“If your mom hates me, why doesn’t your grandma?”
He frowned. “She doesn’t remember. Just like you, only instead of forgetting a large chunk, her brain picks and chooses what she remembers every day.”
“S
he has Alzheimer’s?”
“She asks about you all the time,” he nodded.
That’s why she acted like I belonged here. If the last three years were anything like Henry said they were, I could see why I forgot them. I just didn’t understand why I would do the same thing to Henry that my mom did to me?
Chapter 12
It was one of the hottest days of the summer. Trey was at baseball camp. Nadia visiting her family in Cleveland. I didn’t want to hang out with Ambrosia if I didn’t have to. I sat on my back porch in my jean shorts and tank top sweating like a mother.
It had been a few months since I’d done anything with Henry. I’d been so busy with spring formal and track. I only joined the team because Trey and Nadia were on it. Now here I was without either of them, for the next three weeks.
I pulled out my cell and scrolled to Henry’s number. My thumb hovered over his name. This needed to be done in person, not by text. I put my phone in my pocket, slid my sunglasses over my eyes and slipped on my flip flops.
I rode my bike to his house. It was the end of June and I hadn’t been on it all summer. This was the first summer it didn’t get constant use. Trey was held back when he was younger, so as a freshman he already had his driver’s license. That had been how I’d gotten everywhere this year.
I rode all the way to the tree house. I hesitated at the bottom after tossing my bike on the ground, where I was happy to see Henry’s. I also knew he was here because of the music coming from above. I just had to get past those slats on the side of the tree that I’ve hated since they caused my stitches.
I climbed, and poked my head in. Smiling. He didn’t see me at first. He lay on his back, his hands behind his head, bobbing to the music, staring at the ceiling.
“Boo,” I said, startling him.
He turned toward me.
I hadn’t noticed before how much weight he lost this year and how tall he’d gotten. He smiled at me and said, “Hey, what are you doing here?” he sat up, and pulled out his phone, turning down his music.
I took that as an invitation and climbed in. “Do you want to go swimming?”
He was in a tank top and athletic shorts. There were beads of sweat on his forehead. He looked around like maybe I was talking to someone else. “Yeah, yeah.” He ran a hand over his head.
“Do you think your grandma would take us to Hollis Lake?”
“You want to go to the lake? Not the pool?”
It was unusual for me to want to be in murky, creature filled waters, but if we went to the pool we might see Ambrosia. I didn’t need her telling Trey things that weren’t true. Henry and I were just friends.
“We can pretend it’s the ocean,” I said.
“Well we don’t have to have grandma drive.” He smiled and pulled out his wallet showing me his license.
“No way.” I was beginning to get jealous of everyone. My birthday wasn’t until next spring. “When did you get that?”
“Yesterday. I’ve been wanting an excuse for a road trip.” His smile was beaming, and I know mine was too. We’d been waiting for this forever. “I do have to warn you, I don’t have air conditioning.”
“We’ll be that much more ready to swim.”
***
“You have to let me choose the music.”
“I have to huh?” He reached his long arm in front of the radio, blocking my access.
“You got to control the music on the way here.” My hair was wet from the lake. My skin dry from the sun. The wind would whip through the car on the way home, making so much noise we could barely hear anything anyway.
“Because it’s always driver’s choice.” He patted himself on the chest “And I’m the driver.”
“How many more times are you going to say that?” I groaned dramatically.
His hair was bleached from the sun today and his skin tanned. I was always jealous of how easily he tanned and I burnt even with gallons of sunscreen until my skin got used to the sun each summer. “You’ve been waiting for me to become a driver,” he tilted his head toward me and I got a whiff of his coconut sunscreen, “for all of our lives.”
“No, I’ve been waiting on becoming a driver myself.”
“I had a lot of fun today.” He said after our laughter died.
I smiled at him. “Me too.”
We spent the next week together, every day.
Chapter 13
Henry never lied to me before, but there were two sides to every story and I didn’t have mine.
With my backpack hanging open off one shoulder, I stuffed my books in.
“Hey.” Trey’s voice made me jump. I didn’t ride to school with him today. My dad brought me.
When I looked up, his hair was disheveled and his eyes red. Either he got drunk last night, or he was that upset about us.
He bent to be closer to me and said, “Why won’t you talk to me?” Just like last night, with Henry, a sliver of a memory floated to the surface. Trey standing right here, apologizing for something. I remembered being angry, slamming my locker, but I couldn’t recall what it was about.
Now, he put his hand on my lower back. “Whatever I did, I’m sorry.”
Just as I looked up to respond, my eyes met Henry’s. He stomped by us to his locker. Henry scowled when he looked from me then Trey, his eye roving toward Trey’s hand on my back. I don’t know why I felt guilty. Henry shook his head then gave me a tight smile as if to say ‘I knew it’. If this had been our routine all along I could understand where he was coming from, however, last night I made no promises. I didn’t tell him I was there to get together with him or that I was even breaking up with Trey.
“What are you looking at, Creep?” Trey clipped.
“Trey!” I gasped at the same time Henry said, “Haven’t figured that out yet.”
Trey lunged toward Henry, but I pushed him back. “Stop.”
Henry mumbled something I didn’t understand then his locker door shut with so much force it startled me.
“Can we talk?” Trey said, as if forgetting Henry was there.
“Right now?” I looked around us at everyone who was bustling to their homerooms. “I need to get to class.”
“Study hall. Besides, it’s never stopped you before.” His hand gently wrapped around my elbow.
In case he hadn’t noticed, I’m not the same girl I was before. “I just … I need space.” His shoulders slumped, he looked as if I’d just punched him.
“You don’t mean that.” His voice was soft and pleading against my ear.
“T.O.” Ryan strolled down the hall with a fist in the air.
“Boyd.” Trey lifted his fist and bumped Ryan’s. When I tried to take advantage of the opportunity, and walk away, Trey grabbed me by the hips and pulled me back to him.
Ryan chuckled. I really didn’t like that guy.
“Babe,” Trey whispered.
Trey led me down the hall, down the stairs and in a secluded cubby underneath the steps. He pushed my hair behind my ear and whispered, ‘Babe’. I wasn’t falling for it this time. He could say he was sorry all he wanted, but I was done. Sorry wouldn’t change what he did.
“How often do we do this?” I asked.
“What?” His arm around me.
“Fight.” I leaned away from him. “I just remembered being mad at you.”
“You remember?” His eyes widened.
I shook my head. “Not everything thing, just that I was mad at you and you were apologizing.”
“You don’t remember anything else?”
Why did he look relieved?
The hallway began to clear. “That’s it.” I wasn’t about to tell him what I remembered at Henry’s last night. “What were we fighting about?”
He looked away, someone else greeted him as they passed. He waved. “It’s hard to tell. We’ve been together for three years. I don’t know what fight it was.”
“Why are we together if we fight all the time?”
“Because you love m
e despite all my flaws.” He grinned at me and I felt something stir in my stomach.
Talk about saved by the bell. It rang at the perfect time, giving me an excuse to get away from him and process everything I’d learned in the last twenty-four hours.
***
Trey left a note for me in my locker. It was hand written and he told me how much he loved me, and he was sorry for pushing me and he’d wait for me to get my memories back. It should have moved me. I think I should have felt something. Then I realized I could compare it to the writing in my journal. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of that when I found the card from him. I couldn’t get home fast enough. If I knew for sure that Trey wasn’t the one who tried to hurt me, maybe I could let my guard down and try to get my feelings for him back.
I ran straight to my room as soon as I was in the front door. I pulled the book out from under my mattress, plopped down in the middle of my bed. Then I smoothed out Trey’s note and flipped through my journal until I found the page with the message. I held my breath as I began to compare the two. They looked absolutely nothing alike. Where the message was all big and sloppy, the contractions didn’t even have apostrophes and the T’s were barely crossed, Trey’s writing was small and neat. It almost looked like a girl’s writing and the punctuation was correct.
I felt bad about doubting him, but what else was I supposed to think? It wasn’t like I knew him. He was so upset earlier, but now I was convinced he wasn’t the one who left this message. Which only made me wonder who did.
I felt chilled. It had to be Janice. Who else had been in my room? But I couldn’t go to my dad with these accusations without proof, without knowing for sure.
