One afternoon Karl stopped me on the path to the mess hall and asked me to meet him that evening at ten outside the cinema, a plan similar to the one he had proposed the night I got sick. I mentioned to Dora I was attending a film and might take a walk afterwards. I suspected she would think nothing of it because all of us were eager to spend time out of our cramped quarters.
The evening was cool, but humid. Low clouds hung over the Wolf’s Lair. Occasionally rain pattered against my shoulders. There was little light to guide me, but I’d been here long enough to find my way around. The faint sounds of stringed instruments and theatrical voices emanated from the cinema. The movie was in progress.
I turned the corner on the north side of the building and saw a figure under a stand of trees. The orange glow of a cigarette flared briefly. My nerves tightened. Karl had given up smoking. As I got closer, I called out his name. A dark figure waved to me.
‘Is that you?’ I asked. The man didn’t answer and I thought of running away.
I repeated my question. He stood silent for a time and then crushed out his cigarette.
I was about to turn when he whispered my name. It was Franz, Ursula’s boyfriend and an SS officer like Karl.
He held out his hand. ‘It’s good to see you again, Magda.’
I grasped it. ‘I didn’t know you were here.’
‘I arrived a couple of days ago. I’m here for a few weeks, then I’m headed to the Eastern Front, to command a panzer division. Some of the generals have consented to talk to those of us who are about to give our lives for the Reich.’ He chuckled.
I peered through the black stands of trees, searching for Karl, but didn’t see him.
‘He’s coming,’ Franz said, soothing my fear. ‘He was delayed a few minutes by orders from Berlin.’
I couldn’t understand why Franz was invited to a meeting between Karl and me, but I dared not ask.
Franz leaned against a tree and reached into his jacket for another cigarette.
‘Isn’t it dangerous to light them at night?’ I asked. ‘Bombers can see the flame.’
Franz laughed. ‘I doubt the Allies can see through all this netting. Anyway, to hell with it. Hitler isn’t here and I could give a damn what happens. The whole place could be bombed to pieces as far as I’m concerned. Besides, the smoke keeps the bugs away.’ The bitterness in his voice underscored his pain. I suspected much of it had to do with Ursula’s death.
My curiosity got the better of me. ‘What’s going on? Why isn’t Karl here?’
Franz lit the cigarette, took in a deep breath and let the smoke seep from his lungs. The scent of burning tobacco hung heavy in the damp air. ‘Karl will tell you what he can.’ He leaned forward and whispered, ‘There isn’t much time left to save Germany. I won’t be at the Wolf’s Lair long and neither will Karl if our plan works. For your sake, don’t get too attached to either of us, Magda. We know what needs to be done and we might not come out alive.’
His words struck me like bullets.
‘My world crumbled when Ursula died,’ Franz said. ‘She was a wonderful woman who loved her family more than she loved life. She sacrificed herself to save Germany. Hitler and the rest of them can go to hell. Ursula and I were to be married.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, shaken by his admission. ‘I didn’t know. Ursula never told me.’
‘We kept our plans secret because life—’ His voice cracked. ‘Life is so uncertain, so unkind, it’s hardly worth living.’ He groaned. ‘Every day I ask myself why I should endure this torture. I suppose I do it for Ursula.’
‘How—’
‘—Please, Magda, the less you know about this the better. Don’t force Karl to tell you.’
A chill swept over me. I was about to respond when he said, ‘Quiet. Someone is coming.’
I turned. Another figure approached us through the gloom. The man, dressed in a dark uniform, walked swiftly, brushing past the trees. It was Karl. He put his hand on my shoulder and addressed Franz. ‘Everything is in readiness. When the time is right, I’ll act.’
‘What are you talking about?’ I asked. ‘You’re frightening me.’
Karl ignored me.
‘I will be there,’ Franz said. ‘We are brothers.’ He shook Karl’s hand and then saluted him by holding his hand over his brow. Franz grasped my hands and kissed my cheek. ‘Good-bye, Magda. It’s unlikely we will ever meet again. Good health and happiness.’ He crushed his cigarette underfoot and walked away.
Trembling, Karl collapsed against the tree.
I begged him to tell me what was wrong. For a long time, he wouldn’t speak. I held his hands and listened to his breath slip in and out of his body. I looked to make sure no one was near. We were barely visible in the feeble light. I drew him close. He placed his head next to mine and his tears ran down my cheek.
‘Karl, please tell me.’
His lips brushed against my throat and a jolt like an electrical charge skittered over my body.
‘Kiss me,’ he said.
I pressed against him and our lips met, playing out our passion. I placed my hands in the small of his back and pulled him toward me. He held me close and showered me with kisses. Suddenly, he jerked away.
‘No, no, this is wrong,’ he said, and leaned against the tree. ‘There’s no time for us. It’s over.’
‘Why?’ I asked. Sorrow welled up within me. ‘Are you going to die?’
‘Perhaps.’ He kissed me, opened his jacket and then a few buttons on his shirt. He guided my hand to his heart. ‘Do you feel it beating?’
His heart pounded with strength and power under my fingers. I wanted to find a secluded spot in the forest and make love until we were spent from ecstasy. I let my fingers caress his skin.
He clasped his hand over mine, stopping me from exploring his body. He kissed me again. ‘I want to make love to you, but more than that I want you to love me. Forever. If only I could predict the future.’
‘No one can do that.’ I snuggled closer to him. ‘Not now.’ His words had stoked my passion. ‘I want to make love to you, too. Forever doesn’t matter.’
‘But what if we had a child?’ he whispered, his face close to mine. ‘How could we bring it into this world? It wouldn’t be right. I asked you to come tonight because I want you to know why it’s impossible for us to be together.’
I shook against him.
‘But you must stay strong whatever happens,’ he continued. His tone shifted, as solemn as the darkness that surrounded us. ‘In a few days, there will be a military display at the Berghof. Franz and I will be there with Hitler. The course of history must be changed.’
I pressed my head against his chest. ‘Tell me this isn’t happening – now that we’ve discovered love and a chance for happiness.’
‘You’re wrong, Magda. There’ll be no happiness until this evil is eradicated.’
‘Then let someone else do it. Let Franz – or let me.’ As awful as my words were, I meant them.
He sighed. ‘Don’t be silly. Your parents are still alive. Mine are gone. Hitler can’t hurt anyone I love – except you.’
Karl’s profession of love warmed me, but my joy was short-lived. Through the haze of my feelings, sounds filtered out of the cinema: subdued voices, the scraping of chairs. The doors opened and people shuffled down the path.
‘We must get back,’ Karl said. ‘You go first.’
‘I love you.’ The words were out of my mouth before I knew it. They felt powerful and natural. I’d thought about love many times, but had never said the words aloud to Karl. Now I loved a man plotting to kill Hitler.
I walked away, but turned briefly. Karl nodded, encouraging me to go ahead. I stepped into the crowd leaving the cinema. As I walked toward my quarters, I saw Minna on the other side of the building, in the corner opposite where Karl and I had been talking. I wondered whether she might have been spying on us or overheard our conversation. She waved when she saw me, lit a cigarette and leaned against the cinema wall.
I continued on as if I hadn’t seen her.
I sat in a library chair rather than going to bed. Minna walked past me, without a word, about a half hour later. I awoke the next morning about six. I showered and then went to my room for a change of clothes. I switched on the lamp. Dora and Else were gone, but Minna lay stretched across her cot. She pulled the sheet up across her breasts. The annoying vent whooshed overhead. The humid room smelled of Minna’s stale lavender perfume. ‘How was your evening?’ she asked lazily.
I had no desire to answer her question.
‘Where are Else and Dora?’
She yawned. ‘Else is working breakfast and Dora has gone to supervise the other girls. Did you enjoy the movie?’
I stared at her. ‘How did you know that? Did you ask Dora where I was going?’
Minna said nothing.
‘I didn’t go after all,’ I said, suspecting she’d seen me outside the cinema.
‘You didn’t miss much. It was a boring silent film about the First World War.’
I dropped my towel and reached for my undergarments.
I felt her eyes traveling over my naked body. ‘You’ve got bug bites on your legs. Before you go outside, you should put on rubbing alcohol like I do. It keeps the bugs away.’
‘Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind.’
She rolled on her side as I dressed. I held up a small mirror to check my face. It reflected Minna’s devious face as she said, ‘There’s a very interesting SS Captain here by the name of Karl Weber.’
I combed my hair and tried to mask my irritation. ‘Yes?’
‘You know him, don’t you?’
‘We met at the Berghof. I’ve seen him a few times. We went to a movie together.’
‘I think you have more than movies in common.’
I turned, the mirror clutched in my hand. ‘What are you getting at?’
‘Dora would be interested to know about your liaisons with Captain Weber. What are you two up to?’
I pulled a dress and shoes from my locker. ‘That’s none of your business.’
‘It’s very much my business if it involves the Reich.’
‘You’re imagining things. I have to get to work.’
She sat up on the cot with the sheet draped across her. ‘Funny, last night I heard something about evil being eradicated. You said you would be prepared to die.’
My blood ran cold. I sat on the bed. Minna glared at me, smug under her flimsy cover. I tried to calm my wildly beating heart. What if she was a Gestapo agent? How much had she really heard? I hoped that her vanity outweighed her intelligence. ‘You must have misunderstood. Maybe it was words from the movie.’ I pointed at her. ‘And what right do you have to spy on us?’
She shook her head and her eyes focused on me like a bird of prey. ‘I wasn’t spying. Don’t think you can get away with anything by threatening me.’ She admired her fingernails and then smiled sulkily. ‘I was talking a walk. I happened to overhear a conversation – that’s all.’
‘We were talking about the Allies. Captain Weber is certain he will be shipped off to the Western Front soon.’ I placed the mirror on the bed beside me. ‘I’m not happy about it.’
Minna craned her long neck toward me. ‘You should tell Dora about your concern for your Captain. She might ask the Führer to grant him a special favor. Or better yet, maybe I’ll tell Dora about your trysts. I’m sure she will be interested.’
I slipped into my dress. ‘Don’t bother. No favors are necessary.’
‘Don’t be silly,’ Minna said. ‘We must all stick together.’
I wanted to wring her neck, but I had to remain calm. I put on my shoes, said good-bye and walked quickly to the officers’ mess. Along the way, an anxious sickness stabbed at my stomach. I had to talk to Karl. Minna knew much more than she should have and that was dangerous. We had to decide what to do.
He wasn’t in the hall. I went to the kitchen and told Cook the fetid air of the dormitory was making me sick. A walk might help clear my head. She agreed and said I could come to work later. I casually asked if she had seen Captain Weber. She replied that he’d been called to a situation conference at eleven. That meant he was in a building near Hitler’s bunker, an area I had never been in. It was several minutes past ten.
I walked west past my quarters to a road that turned north. I didn’t have far to walk until a guard post appeared in front of me. The man on duty was older than most, and he observed me like a teacher greeting a new student rather than an obvious threat. A black-and-tan German shepherd sat next to him. The dog’s brown eyes followed my every move. The guard asked for my papers, which I produced, and he then asked me what business I had in this area. I told him a lie about delivering a message from Cook to Captain Weber – a plausible story because of Karl’s association with the kitchen staff. He said nothing more and let me go on my way.
The trees clumped densely here making it difficult to see more than a few meters to the left or right of the path. I was keenly aware of being alone. The footpath curved and an immense concrete bunker loomed into view. Intuition told me it was Hitler’s. A single lamp hung over a small door.
As I walked, a few other low buildings appeared in the green forest light like ships emerging from a fog. I stopped, unsure of which way to proceed. I must have given the impression I was out of place, uncertain of my direction, because a sonorous voice called out to me.
‘Are you lost, my child?’
My breath caught and I jumped.
The Führer glided like an apparition out of the forest. He was dressed in dark pants and a fawn-colored double-breasted jacket. A single medal was pinned to its left lapel. I had no idea what it signified. He also wore a military cap with a circular red headband. Blondi, his shepherd, trotted ahead of him, her tongue hanging over the side of her jaw.
My face must have given away my surprise. His eyes captured mine. A powerful hypnotic power emanated from his intense gaze. He studied me, taking in my shock, deciding whether he wanted to bother with conversation. Finally, he asked my name and I answered.
He stepped closer. ‘What do you do?’
I cringed as I gave the Nazi salute, and said, ‘I’m a taster and bookkeeper in your kitchen.’
He ignored my obsequious performance and ordered Blondi to sit. ‘You protect me from the poisons that come my way. There was an unfortunate incident recently at the Berghof. Were you there?’
‘Yes.’
He walked closer, with a slight stoop, and offered his hand. Blondi sat obediently, but I could tell she wanted to sniff my legs. A glint popped into Hitler’s eyes. ‘Are you the taster who was poisoned by Otto?’
I stiffened. ‘Yes, I’m the one. His little test made me sick for days. Cook was very upset about the whole affair and the time I missed from work.’
‘I shall order him never to do it again.’ A few sickly rays of light fell across Hitler’s face when the breeze shifted the branches above. Cook had told me Hitler didn’t like the sun. He moved back into the shade. ‘Where are you from?’
‘Berlin, my Führer.’
His question and my response opened a torrent of comments about the city. He spoke of his plans for the capital, to be carried out by Albert Speer; and, dismissing Berlin, he told me how much he preferred Munich and the Obersalzberg to the city.
I looked at my watch. It was nearing ten thirty. Hitler saw my concern and said, ‘Blondi will never forgive me if I don’t finish her walk. Why are you here?’
I repeated the lie I had fabricated. ‘I have a message from Cook for Captain Weber.’
‘Oh, Weber. He should be in the conference room with the other officers. You’ll find him at the guest barracks hut.’ He pointed to a low building with windows I’d seen in the gloom.
‘Thank you, my Führer.’ I saluted again.
‘You and Weber should join me for tea sometime.’ He tugged on Blondi’s leash and he walked toward the large bunker I thought was his.
My pulse quicken
ed. I stepped off the path and headed for the conference room. A strange thought struck me as I approached a group of officers huddling a few meters away from the door. Hitler had seemed so normal, almost like a grandfather. Could this be the same man who had ordered the destruction of thousands of innocent men, women and children in the East, as Karl’s pictures had shown? Hitler hardly seemed the demon I imagined him to be. I shook the thought from my head. Karl must be right. I had given my trust and heart to him.
I was nearing the men when a second SS guard with a dog stopped me. I presented my papers again and explained what I was doing. Rather than let me go on my way, this guard walked to the officers and asked for Captain Weber. One of the men entered the hut and several minutes later came back with Karl. Karl thanked him and then walked toward me. He showed no sign of concern until he came to a stop in front of my face.
‘What are you doing here?’ he asked in a fiery whisper. ‘Are you out of your mind? Why did you take such a risk?’
I looked past him toward the others – none of them seemed interested in our conversation. ‘Minna – one of the tasters I work with – overheard us last night. She threatened to tell Dora Schiffer. In fact, I think she will. If she does, we’re finished.’
Karl’s face blanched and he clasped his hands together. After a few moments, he regained his composure. ‘How much did she hear?’
‘Too much. I told Minna we were talking about the Allies, but I don’t think she believed me.’
His eyes flickered in nervous thought as he paced in a small circle. ‘My God, what to do? Damn. Everyone knows everyone else’s business in the Reich.’
‘Please, Karl. The others will suspect something. I know exactly what to do.’
He stopped and faced me, his jaw set and his eyes fixed as stones.
‘Give me until one this afternoon,’ I said, ‘and the problem will be solved.’
He shook his head. ‘You must not do anything rash. Promise me.’
‘I just met the Führer.’
Karl’s face slackened. ‘That’s the kind of trouble I want to avoid. What did he say?’
‘He wanted to know who I was and what I was doing here. It was a pleasant conversation. And he knows about us – someone must have told him, maybe Eva or Cook.’
Her Hidden Life Page 11
