by Dorsey, Tim
“No, not that.”
“Then what’s this gift?” asked Serge.
The same devious smile again. Then she canted her head toward the window. “Look outside.”
Serge did. His mouth fell wide as he walked stiffly across the room and placed his palms against the glass. Then he suddenly dashed out the door.
“Snow!”
The rest followed.
They were the tiniest of flakes that immediately melted in your hand, and there would be no accumulation, but it was indeed snow.
“What the hell is Serge doing now?” asked Edith.
“Running in circles in the parking lot,” said Edna. “Catching snowflakes on his tongue.”
The G-Unit silently looked at one another. Smiles broke out. They began running around the parking lot.
City glanced at Country. Two more smiles. They began running.
“Wait for me,” said Coleman.
Serge stopped on the sidewalk to observe the parking lot full of people racing around and laughing themselves silly as they reverted to children, which was what it’s all about. And Serge got a tear in his eye. “This is the best ever.”
Then he turned to the street, spread his arms wide, and announced to mankind in general:
“I bring everyone great news of joy! The War on Christmas is over! So Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, and yes, for the co-existence crowd, Season’s Greetings! . . . Catch you all next year!”
A Note on the Type
The text of this book was set in a face called Leubenhoek Gothic, the versatile eighteenth-century type developed by Baruch Leubenhoek (1671–1749), the Dutch master whose serif innovations last to this day. However, unsubstantiated accounts have recently surfaced that attribute Leubenhoek Gothic not to Baruch Leubenhoek, the stalwart traditionalist, but to the Hungarian Smilnik Verbleat (1684–1753?), the iconoclastic rebel of typography whose deconstruction of the alphabet into upper- and lowercase set the typesetting world aflame. It is indeed a compelling inquiry, since Leubenhoek Gothic is widely accepted as the most stunning example of the sturdy hot-face designs typified during the last golden age of typesetting, when the accomplished typemasters were nothing less than international celebrities. Stories abound of Leubenhoek unveiling a new typeface, setting fire to the neoclassical world, only to have Verbleat trump it later that week, triggering celebrations of Romanesque proportions. Such revelry often saw Leubenhoek and Verbleat become quite drunk and take nasty falls that would have sidelined men of lesser constitutions. And of course women were always available; Baruch was no slouch, but Smilnik’s reputation for three-ways was unsurpassed. Soon new fonts appeared, each more daring. The reading world was ecstatic. Then, tragedy. In 1749, both were rumored to have been suffering from dementia associated with late-stage gonorrhea when they met up in Antwerp and pitched a heated argument about whether Smilnik’s s’s really looked like f’s, and Verbleat crushed Leubenhoek’s skull in with a clavichord.
About the Author
Tim Dorsey was a reporter and editor for the Tampa Tribune from 1987 to 1999, and is the author of thirteen novels: Electric Barracuda, Gator A-Go-Go, Nuclear Jellyfish, Atomic Lobster, Hurricane Punch, The Big Bamboo, Florida Roadkill, Hammerhead Ranch Motel, Orange Crush, Triggerfish Twist, The Stingray Shuffle, Cadillac Beach, and Torpedo Juice. He lives in Tampa, Florida.
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Also by Tim Dorsey
Florida Roadkill
Hammerhead Ranch Motel
Orange Crush
Triggerfish Twist
The Stingray Shuffle
Cadillac Beach
Torpedo Juice
The Big Bamboo
Hurricane Punch
Atomic Lobster
Nuclear Jellyfish
Gator A-Go-Go
Electric Barracuda
Credits
Cover design by Mumtaz Mustafa
Cover illustration by Stanley Chow
Copyright
This book is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents, and dialogue are drawn from the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
WHEN ELVES ATTACK. Copyright © 2011 by Tim Dorsey. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
FIRST EDITION
ISBN 978-0-06-209284-7
EPub Edition NOVEMBER © 2011 ISBN: 9780062092854
11 12 13 14 15 OV/RRD 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
About the Publisher
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Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Epigraph
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
A Note on the Type
About the Author
Also by Tim Dorsey
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Epigraph
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
A Note on the Type
About the Author
Also by Tim Dorsey
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
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