by K. C. Crowne
The least I could do was pay for this trip.
I was just about to hit “purchase” on two round trip tickets from Salt Lake City to Nashville when a phone buzzed. I checked my phone at first, no messages. Nothing. I frowned, staring down at my phone as I heard another buzzing.
This time, it was coming from the drawer where I stashed Charlotte’s old phone. I’d given her a new phone and a new number and told her I’d check up on any messages she got if clients tried to reach out to her, but it had mostly been quiet the last week or so.
I opened the drawer and grabbed the phone. She’d given me permission to check her messages, and I clicked on the notification on the screen. It took me to a picture.
It was a photo of Charlotte when she was younger. She looked just like I had remembered her to be back when we were together. Her wild red hair falling over her shoulders, her bright eyes sparkling. Her smile was infectious, she was clearly very happy. It took me a second to look at the rest of the photo, because her face was just so mesmerizing and beautiful.
Then I noticed her hands were on her belly, forming a heart shape.
What the…
And words splashed across the top that I hadn’t noticed before.
“We’re having a baby!” I read them out loud, hoping they’d make more sense if I spoke the words.
But she was never pregnant. It felt like we were in an alternate timeline, and I was so confused. In the timeline the photo was taken, we’d stayed together, and she had my child. Had things gone as planned, we’d have had several children, but she was never pregnant.
Was she?
A text popped up below the image and the blood in my veins ran cold.
What will your lover think when he finds out you killed his baby?
I forgot everything I was doing up until that point and stared at the photo and the message, as if the longer I stared at it, the more it would make sense.
But it didn’t make sense.
Not at all.
Charlotte and I had talked, extensively, about our plans for the future, and that included multiple kids. We weren’t exactly trying to prevent pregnancy before I went to sea either, but I remember thinking it would have been better to wait until our life was more stable. Still, Charlotte had always been eager to get pregnant.
Would she have had an abortion and not told me?
She knew how much I wanted a family with her, would she have not even consulted me on this decision?
A knot formed in my stomach. No, this had to be a lie. Peter manipulated the image, he made it all up. Even though he sounded so sure of himself. And the message had been intended for Charlotte, not me, so there would have been no reason to lie…
No, I trusted Charlotte over her deadbeat ex.
I put the phone away but found myself distracted and hurting in ways that I never knew possible. I wanted to believe that Peter was lying, but it wasn’t adding up.
I sighed. A simple way to find out the truth was to ask Charlotte. And I’d believe her too. If she told me it was bullshit, I’d believe her. But since we never really talked about that time after I shipped out, it couldn’t hurt to ask - to clear my head and my heart of any doubts once and for all.
My legs felt like jelly as I walked to her room. I knocked on the door and waited for her soft voice. “Yes?” she responded back to me.
My voice didn’t even sound like my own anymore. “Can I come in? I have something I want to talk to you about.”
“Of course,” Charlotte said, and the door opened a second later.
She was standing before me in a pair of pajama shorts and a tank top with a unicorn on the front that said, “Nope. Not Today”. Her curly hair was pulled back into a messy bun on top of her head, tendrils rebelling and falling free around her face. It was clear she was getting ready for bed.
The knot inside of me grew larger, as I realized that I was still very much in love with her. That love I had for her had never died, I’d just buried it away all these years. However, depending on how she answered the question I was about to ask… I feared that could change. That level of pain might not be something I would ever move past.
I cleared my throat, deciding just to get it over with. “Were you pregnant when you broke up with me, Charlotte?”
The smile faded from her face as her skin seemed to turn white. Her hand on the door frame began shaking as she averted her eyes to the floor.
“Eli, I-- I don’t know what to say.”
“Just answer the question, Charlotte. Please.”
“Why are you asking this?” she asked.
“It doesn’t matter. I just need to know the truth. Were you pregnant?”
Charlotte tilted her head upward, tears filling her eyes. I already knew the truth before she even opened her mouth.
She said, “Yes,” in a voice that was barely a whisper.
It felt like the hallway was closing in on me. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t even think straight. I wasn’t even sure I could formulate a coherent thought, much less a complete sentence.
“And did you-- did you--” I couldn’t bring myself to say the words Peter had used.
But it would appear, I didn’t have to.
“Yes, I did, Eli,” she said, clenching her eyes shut as tears streamed down her cheeks. “I killed our baby.”
I gripped the wall to prevent myself from falling to the ground. Questions swirled in my head.
I wanted to ask her why she didn’t talk to me, why she didn’t come to me, but I already had a bad feeling about her answer. She didn’t come to me because she knew I couldn’t be there for her. For her or the child.
The fact that she would have had an abortion without telling me hurt me more than when she broke up with me. I thought we’d had something special, that she could come to me with anything. But obviously, she couldn’t.
“I need to get some air,” I said, as my chest tightened. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Charlotte was sobbing, and I wanted to comfort her - to tell her I was sorry for hurting her so badly that she felt the need to do what she did - but I couldn’t be trusted to speak.
There was too much going on in my head, and I felt raw from the news. It was like my blood was burning me up from the inside, and my lungs threatened to collapse if I didn’t get out of that house immediately.
I stumbled down the steps and found myself standing on the front porch. The cool, night air helped, a little, but I felt antsy. Charlotte was inside, and I knew I would have to face her again eventually. I would have to ask her about what happened, but I wasn’t sure I was in the right state of mind to hear the answers.
I needed to get away.
I couldn’t just leave her though.
I sent a message to Mason, asking him to come over and keep an eye on things.
I just needed some time to think.
Ooo000ooo
“What’s going on, Eli?” Mason asked as he hopped out of his truck. “I got here as quickly as I could.”
“I just need to get some air,” I said.
Mason looked at me strangely. “But you’re outside already,” he said.
“I know, but like -- I need to get away from the house for a bit. A hike. Something.”
“It’s nearly the middle of the night, Eli.”
“I’ll be careful,” I muttered. “Please, can you just keep an eye on Charlotte and let me step away for a bit? I really need this.”
“Are you two fighting or something?”
“Or something,” I said, rubbing at my eyes. My brain felt like it was going to explode. The tension of the moment caused a killer headache, and I felt the longer I stayed there, the more pressure would build up.
“Alright, I’ll keep an eye on things,” Mason said slowly. “But please tell me you’re not going to the bar.”
His words shocked me.
“Honestly, I hadn’t even thought about it, which should tell you all you need to know about my intentions.”
/> “Good. I just wanted to be sure that this girl wasn’t driving you back to drinking.”
Now that he mentioned it… I shook my head though. I pushed those thoughts away.
“I just need to drive around or something. That’s all.”
“Sure thing, Eli. But please, be safe,” he said.
“I will.”
I climbed into my truck, and the whirr of the engine was like music to my ears. I had no destination in mind, but just knowing that within moments, I’d be away from this house put me at ease.
I drove down the long, narrow dirt road that led to the main stretch. At the intersection, I had a choice to make - right would take me further out of town, headed toward Sunville. Or left would take me into Liberty, the quiet little town that had become home.
Home of also the best bar I’d been to since getting out of the Navy as well.
Shut up, I screamed at my inner voice. Forget about the bar.
I turned left, thinking a drive through the streets of town would distract me more than the dark, empty road to nowhere.
On the way into town, I drove through parts that had been flooded over a year earlier. I thought about all of that as I drove over the dam that had burst and nearly destroyed the entire city. There had been so much devastation at the time - sickness, people losing their homes and businesses, you name it. It was during that time that I realized I had finally found somewhere I belonged.
This town had needed me and little did I know back then, I needed it.
Liberty put me on a better path - one of sobriety and one with a desire to do more than just take care of myself and my family.
I thought about the proposition to start the non-profit as I drove by several properties that were completely destroyed. I knew at least one of them had never found a secure place to move to within the city, they were staying with friends - moving from couch to couch for over a year because they couldn’t afford to buy another place or to re-build.
I wanted to help people like them.
I wanted to leave a legacy bigger than myself.
At one time, my dreams included leaving a legacy for my future children, but I had lost sight of that goal over the years. But now, I wanted to be better for my nieces and nephews, to show them that life isn’t just about taking care of yourself.
I didn’t have much hope of ever having kids of my own.
Which is why the news about the baby had gutted me.
I had always worried if I’d be a good dad or not, but the desire was always there, deep in my belly. I wanted kids of my own, a family like the one I’d grown up in, except with a father that actually gave a shit and stuck around. I wanted that more than words could describe. It’s one thing to think it’s just not meant to be, but it’s another to realize that you came close to having that - only to find out that dream was ripped away without you even having a say in the matter.
Had Charlotte come to me, we could have talked. I would have helped her. I don’t know what we would have decided, but we would have decided together, and I felt it was only fair.
Then again, what did I know? I wasn’t her. I knew she was struggling, but to think she would get rid of our child, a child that was very much wanted by both of us, or so I thought.
I still couldn’t believe it.
I pulled myself out of my thoughts, and that’s when I noticed the truck was in park. I looked around, forgetting the drive through town. Once I began thinking about the past, it was like an out-of-body experience, and suddenly, I was at my destination.
My stomach turned as I saw the sign above the building.
I somehow had found myself at the one place Mason asked me not to go.
And I had to admit, the draw to going inside and drinking myself stupid was strong.
Much stronger than I cared to admit.
Chapter 15
Charlotte
I was curled up in bed, my face buried into a pillow when I heard footsteps in front of the bedroom door. Assuming it was Eli, I wiped away the tears and prepared myself to tell him everything - I needed to be open with him about what happened, he deserved to know the truth even though the very idea of talking about it caused my soul to ache.
“Come in, it’s open.” I spoke before he even knocked.
The door opened just a crack and it wasn’t Eli’s voice on the other side of the door.
“Hi Charlotte. It’s Mason, Eli stepped out and I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
I looked over to the opening, and I guess it was obvious that I had been crying, because Mason opened the door further, his brow furrowed in concern.
“No, I don’t think things will be okay. I doubt he will ever forgive me.”
I stared down at my hands, which were placed on top of a pillow in my lap.
“Well, I don’t know about that. Eli is a forgiving man, I’m sure you two can work it out.”
“I don’t think so, Mason. Not this time. I really screwed up.”
“Do you mind if I come in?” he asked me.
I nodded. Mason had always been kind to me, probably because he was closer to Eli than Graham or Sam, who had each other being twins and all.
Mason took a seat in the chair Eli often sat in, and the two men looked so much alike, it brought tears to my eyes. It felt like, between the blur of the tears, that I was talking to Eli for a second, and I think that’s why I just opened right up and let the floodgates open.
“Before I left Eli, I was pregnant with his child,” I said.
Mason raised an eyebrow. “And he never knew?”
“No,” I said wiping at my eyes. “I never told him, because I didn’t want him to hurt the way I did after what happened.”
“You lost the baby?” he asked.
“Yes, because it was my fault, and I knew Eli would always blame me.”
“Why would he blame you, Charlotte?” Mason asked. “Miscarriages happen.”
I squeezed the pillow as I clenched my eyes shut, trying to block out the memories. But I’d have to face these memories sooner or later if I wanted to come clean to Eli, so better prepare for it now, I thought.
“Well, after I found out, one of the other Navy wives invited me to a group yoga class on the beach. I had been so lonely, that I didn’t want to turn down the offer and I thought -- yoga is relaxing, it isn’t dangerous to do while pregnant, right?”
“It can be done safely, yes. In fact, I think some doctors recommend it.”
“Yeah, well, after the class, I went to the bathroom and noticed blood. A lot of blood. I went to the hospital in a panic and they told me I’d lost the baby. I’ve never been able to forgive myself for it - how can I expect Eli to forgive me?”
“Wait a second, Charlotte -- you didn’t kill your baby. You had a miscarriage.”
“Had I not done the yoga, maybe I wouldn’t have. I was just so desperate to make friends in my new home, I was selfish and careless and--”
“You were none of those things, Charlotte. I’m not an obstetrician, but I do have some medic experience, and I can tell you with absolute certainty that miscarriages sometimes happen for no reason at all. And to me, this sounds more like a coincidence than anything you did.”
“I should have just stayed home, then Eli and I might have our children. We might have several of them, and I would have married him and life wouldn’t have turned out the way it did. But one bad decision and--”
“You would have stayed with Eli if you had not miscarried? I think you’re putting way too much blame on yourself, Charlotte. What did Eli say when you told him?”
“I didn’t get to tell him everything. I don’t know what he knows or thinks exactly, but he asked if I-- well, I could tell he was going to ask if I lost the baby and I told him yes, and that’s when he left.”
“How did he find out?”
“He didn’t say.” I thought about where he could have found this out, and the only thing that came to mind was Peter. He still had my old phone. I pushed
myself from the bed and headed for the door. “I might have an idea though.”
Mason followed me out of the room and down the hall to the study.
“I knew he kept my phone here, in the drawer. He told me where I could grab it if I needed it.” I opened the drawer, and there it was. With my hands shaking, I managed to unlock it and went to the messages.
As expected, there was the message from Peter.
“Oh God,” I said, my heart stopping.
“What is it?”
I handed the phone over to Mason because I had no words.
“Jesus, that sounds bad,” Mason said. “He probably thinks you had an abortion.”
“I would never have done that!. I wanted to be a mother so badly, and even though I was struggling, I would never have purposely given up our child.”
“If he thinks you did this, without even talking to him, no wonder he’s upset,” Mason said. “I’m going to call him and see if we can talk this whole thing out.”
He stepped out of the study and into the hallway. My stomach twisted and turned. I had feared the worst - telling Eli that I could have caused the miscarriage. But it ended up leading him to believe something else entirely.
I would never have had an abortion. I wanted that child, and I knew Eli would have wanted it too.
My hand rested on my belly, thinking of the baby growing inside of me now. The thought of losing this one too filled me with dread. I made a promise, I would do everything in my power to protect this child from harm.
And I would come clean to Eli. I’d tell him I was pregnant, and we would decide together how to move forward.
Mason stepped back into the room, frown lines deep on his face.
“What is it?”
“Well, he answered, but we couldn’t hear each other,” he said slowly.
