‘What if it isn’t?’ he answered without hesitation. ‘If you marry Matthew, you’ll never know. Look, you refuse to settle for anything other than excellence in your work. Why should your relationship be any different?’
‘I suppose.’
‘What does your family think?’
‘Oh they’re all really excited. So are his folks. His brother gave me the biggest hug in the world, telling me how happy he is to be getting such a brilliant sister-in-law. I feel like such a fraud.’
Tony smiled and got up. ‘You’re not a fraud, just confused.’ He looked at his watch. ‘I have a conference call in a few minutes but I’ll pop by at four if you’re free? We can talk some more?’
Hayley nodded and Tony walked out, leaving her with a sinking feeling pulling on her stomach like a dead weight.
*
Two weeks had passed since her discussion with Tony, and Hayley had mulled things over continually since then. She knew what had to be done, sooner rather than later. And the longer she left it, the more difficult it would become.
On a cool March evening she went to Antonio’s with Matthew. She thought it would be best to have the conversation somewhere familiar yet neutral, not that she expected he would make a scene. Dramatic outbursts weren’t his style.
After dessert she took a deep breath. ‘Matthew,’ she said, heart pounding and stomach in knots, ‘I need to tell you something.’
‘What’s up? Is everything okay at work?’
‘Yes, work’s fine,’ she said quickly, then paused. ‘It’s about us.’
He nodded slowly. ‘I’m sensing this isn’t good news.’
‘I’m not sure I want to marry you,’ she blurted out and her hands flew to her mouth. ‘Oh crap,’ she said with her eyes wide. ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.’
Matthew looked at her silently for what seemed like ages. ‘You mean you’re not sure that you do, or you’re sure that you don’t?’
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘You’re a great guy. You’re kind, you’re genuine and sweet but –’
‘But there’s no spark,’ he said flatly.
‘What? You … you mean you don’t feel it either?’
Matthew smiled. ‘I do love you, Hayley, and would be happy to marry you. It’s not raindrops and roses all the time but isn’t that all make-believe anyway?’
She shook her head again. ‘But I want the raindrops and roses, and you should be with someone who makes you feel them too.’
Matthew didn’t reply so Hayley leaned over and grabbed his hands. ‘You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t doubt that she wants to marry you. And I’m sure you’ll find the right person. You’re a good guy.’ She hesitated, then slipped the engagement ring off her finger and handed it to him.
He flinched when he took it. ‘Haven’t you heard? Good guys always finish last.’
‘No they don’t,’ Hayley whispered softly, squeezing his hands. ‘They don’t. Good guys always get the right girl in the end. Always. And you will too.’
Later, as Hayley stood in her bathroom and took off her make-up she thought that their break-up had been exactly like their relationship: nice.
Did I make the right decision? Should I have settled? What if …?
She put her make-up remover back in the cabinet and looked at herself in the mirror.
Stop. It’s a gamble I’ll just have to take.
CHAPTER 32
Round Two
‘Thanks again, Hayley,’ Susan said as they arrived back in front of Matthew’s flat. ‘That was an … interesting class. Especially the Flashdance routine at the end. I’ve never seen you so pumped up. I think you almost killed the three guys in the front row.’
Hayley started to laugh as she closed the car door, waved to Susan and made her way back up to the apartment. Somehow, thankfully, the class routine came to her almost as instinctively as speaking French had, and she’d only ended up on her bum once when she miscalculated a round kick – a move she’d never even heard of before.
After that mishap she’d roped Susan into being her co-instructor at the front of the class. Two people had begged for mercy as they were in the middle of their seventh series of push-ups, and Susan ended up on her knees, breathlessly panting, ‘You’re so bloody fit it’s unreal.’
The rush of exhilaration was something Hayley hadn’t had in years – she felt strong and powerful, as if she could conquer the world. If this was what feeling fit was like, then she wanted to bottle it and take it home with her.
Hayley guzzled three glasses of water and showered again, then relaxed on the sofa. Sunbeams streamed into the quiet flat and slowly crept towards her feet. She stretched out her legs and made bizarre-looking shadow puppets as she wiggled her toes.
Her muscles ached from the work-out, but it felt good and she sank back even further into the cushions and let her mind wander. Being able to sit and think felt a little peculiar. Usually she didn’t have a moment to herself from the time she woke up until she went back to bed.
‘Slow down, Hayley,’ Rick said to her on many occasions. ‘Relax. Have a bath.’ He told her he’d handle the dishwasher, the kids, the paperwork, or whatever she felt couldn’t wait for even a second longer. She didn’t often listen. Accepting help didn’t come easy, and besides, she liked being busy.
Is it really that I like being busy? Or is it that I like feeling needed?
Yet, everything she did seemed to be such an effort+ and, she realised, she was sure Rick knew that was exactly how she felt. After all, she did little to hide her expression. He, on the other hand, seemed to get on with stuff, and hardly every complained. She’d always thought it was because of his lackadaisical approach, but now she wondered if he simply put up and shut up. Besides, didn’t she do enough complaining for the both of them?
Hmmm … Little Miss Downer needs to make an effort and inject a bit more fun …
She and Rick couldn’t afford the exotic holidays she’d seen in the photo albums earlier that day, but they had given her an idea. Her smile turned into a grin as she hunted around the apartment for a pen and paper she could use to jot down ideas for when she got home. Because she was going home. Of course she was. She giggled, ‘Just two more sleeps,’ she said to herself, imitating Millie’s voice. ‘Two more sleeps, Mummy.’
She started writing.
1. Build a tent under the dining table and let the kids sleep there.
2. Teach the kids how to bake Mum’s chocolate brownies.
3. Find our kites and fly them again.
4. Watch the sunrise and sunset on the same day.
Her hand hovered over the page for a second.
5. Tell Millie and Danny I love them far more often.
She paused again, then added.
And Rick too.
*
The food at Antonio’s tasted as good as Hayley remembered. They both had spinach and goat’s cheese salads as a starter and Matthew chose the saltimbocca for his main course while Hayley had home-made pumpkin ravioli with sage butter.
As they shared a soft and spongy tiramisu, Hayley realised how much she’d enjoyed the evening. The conversation flowed easily and Matthew was polite, interesting and attentive to what she said. She felt a sudden pang of regret but quickly brushed it aside just as he put down his spoon and frowned. He cleared his throat and looked around the room, then cleared his throat again. Hayley remembered what her mum had said about how she still hoped they’d set a date.
‘Hayley, there’s something I need to say.’
Hayley swallowed. She didn’t want to hurt him but what if she said yes and was stuck there. Forever.
‘I think we should … I mean …’ He puffed out his cheeks and Hayley braced herself. ‘Look …’ He sighed. ‘I’ve been offered a job in Uganda.’
‘I’m sorry, Matthew, but I just can’t ma– Wait, what? What did you say?’
‘A job in Uganda. I only found out yeste
rday. I applied a while back but I never thought I’d get it.’ He smiled and it looked like the uncomfortable love-child of an apologetic grimace and a wince. ‘I’d be building schools and teaching.’ He shifted in his chair and cleared his throat again, avoiding eye contact. ‘When I saw it I thought now or never. They want me to commit for a minimum of two years but, well, us … I mean, we …’ His voice trailed off as he rubbed his forehead.
Hayley sat back in her chair. ‘You should take it.’
‘What? Are you sure?’ Matthew said, his eyes finally meeting hers.
‘Definitely.’
‘What about us? We’ve been engaged forever.’
‘So it seems.’ Hayley smiled.
‘I do love you,’ Matthew said and paused. ‘But you know I still want kids even though I have stupid spunk.’ Shaking his head slightly, he rolled his eyes. ‘But you were crystal clear that you don’t want to adopt and we’re not getting any younger.’ Another pause, longer this time. ‘We could both do with something new, don’t you think?’
She looked at Matthew, took in his beautiful green eyes filled with sadness. He was a good man – a lovely man – but despite everything, they’d held each other back. He deserved better, she realised, not someone who stifled his dreams and ambitions. It was so clear to her, it was practically translucent.
‘I’m so excited for you,’ she said with a grin. ‘It’s fantastic.’
‘You’re not angry?’
She shook her head. ‘Absolutely not. You should follow your dreams.’
‘You could come with me.’
‘I don’t think so.’ She smiled again. ‘But you’ll be brilliant. Here.’ She slipped off the engagement ring and passed it to him.
He shook his head. ‘No,’ he answered as he closed her fingers over the ring in the palm of her hand. ‘It’s been yours for so long. You keep it.’
As Hayley listened to Matthew talk about his exciting adventure, she realised it was technically the second time they were having a very respectable break-up at Antonio’s. ‘Thank you,’ she said.
‘What for?’
‘For giving me a ton of perspective.’
That night they went to bed together and lay there silently, holding hands. Hayley waited until he slept, his breathing slow and steady.
‘Goodbye Matthew. Good luck,’ she whispered as she closed her eyes too.
She was sure about who she’d be seeing next. While she told herself the queasy feeling in her stomach had to be dread, she knew very well it wasn’t. She’d tried not to think about it – about him – all day, had attempted to bring her thoughts back to Rick whenever they’d wandered. But now, lying in the dark room, she couldn’t get his face, or any other part of his body, out of her head.
Sean …
She couldn’t wait.
CHAPTER 33
1998
Single White Female
A few weeks after splitting up from Matthew, Hayley had breakfast with Ellen at the local greasy spoon café that served the best fried egg sandwiches north of the Thames. They sat tucked away at the back, right next to the kitchen doors that swung open at regular intervals, allowing them to hear and smell the sizzling sausages and bacon on the grill.
‘So what did your mum and dad say when you told them about you and Matthew?’
Hayley shrugged. ‘They were disappointed. They liked him, you know?’
Ellen nodded.
‘But Jackie came to my rescue. She said she’ll do the married woman and baby stuff and I can be the career girl. That way Mum and Dad have one of each.’ Hayley sipped her tea. ‘Alan sent me a card. Said he was sad to hear the news and hoped we’d stay in touch.’
‘Will you?’
‘It’s a bit awkward,’ Hayley said and scrunched up her nose.
‘So how did it go yesterday?’ Ellen said. ‘Was it okay?’
‘It was fine,’ Hayley said as she remembered the compulsory, post-break up ‘here’s-the-stuff-you-left-at-my-place-that-I-think-you-should-have-back’ ritual, ‘not that I expected anything different. But you know what?’
‘What?’
‘We were together for over a year, right?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Well, now he’s taken that box of stuff, my place no longer has any trace of him. Zap.’ She snapped her fingers. ‘All gone. It’s as if we never happened. And it was easy to do. Does that make me a bad person?’
‘Not bad.’ Ellen patted Hayley’s hand. ‘Efficient.’ She pushed her chair back. ‘Back in a sec, I need the loo.’
Hayley looked up when the door chime rang, and she watched a couple walk into the café. They were arm in arm, smiling at one another, and had obviously been huddled under a tiny red umbrella. Hayley thought they were probably unaware of the intimacy they exuded in such a seemingly banal moment. She sighed loudly.
Stop being such a drama queen, you big Wendy. You’ll be fine.
She meant it; she was young – a kid really – only twenty-seven. Her career was on an upwards trajectory and she had her own flat. The sky wasn’t the limit – the stratosphere was. This wasn’t a time for thinking about potential missed opportunities. It was a time to start creating new ones instead. As Ellen walked back to the table, Hayley smiled at her.
‘You look happier,’ Ellen said.
‘I am,’ Hayley said. ‘And it can only get better from here, right?’
*
The following Thursday Ronald called Hayley into his office.
‘Have a seat,’ he said, gesturing to the chair opposite his desk. ‘We need to talk.’
Hayley’s hand shook slightly as she smoothed her skirt and racked her brain. Surely she hadn’t missed a deadline? Ronald was looking quite serious, which wasn’t unusual, but generally she was able to read him. Today, however, his body language wasn’t giving out any hints.
‘I hear you’re no longer engaged,’ he said. ‘I’m sorry it didn’t work out.’
Hayley exhaled. ‘No need,’ she answered. ‘It’s for the best. It just didn’t feel right in the end.’
‘I admire you. It took courage to break it off,’ Ronald said as he sat back in his chair and interlaced his fingers over his increasingly wide stomach. ‘Lord knows we’ve seen how it can end otherwise.’
She smiled. Even after working with Ronald for almost five years, his praise still meant a lot to her.
‘I’ve been considering something for a while,’ he said, drumming his fingers on his desk. ‘And now’s the right time to clue you in.’
‘Okay.’ Hayley instinctively leaned forward. ‘I’m all ears.’
‘What do you know about Chicago?’
Hayley thought for a second then started counting on her fingers. ‘They call it the Windy City. It’s cold. It’s on a big lake.’ She shrugged. ‘That’s about it really. I’ve heard it’s interesting to visit.’
Ronald nodded. ‘How would you feel about something more permanent?’
She rubbed her chin. ‘What, for a couple of months or something?’
He shook his head. ‘At least a year, maybe two.’
‘Come again?’
‘We want to start up an office there. Further expand our U.S. presence.’ He smiled. ‘And that’s where your expertise comes in.’
‘Hold on,’ she said breathlessly. ‘You want me to go to Chicago? To work? And live?’
Ronald laughed. ‘Yes, Hayley, we do. During our last board meeting we debated who we could send to help set up the branch. And your name came up.’
‘Mine? Really?’
‘Really. But you’d just announced your engagement so we felt the timing was wrong.’ He paused for a moment. ‘But things have changed.’
Hayley stared at Ronald and blinked in rapid succession. A few days ago she’d wondered if she’d made the right decision to leave Matthew.
Of course I did!
She clapped her hands together. ‘Yes! Absolutely, yes,’ she said and grinned. ‘Tell me more, Ronald, tell me ever
ything.’
‘Excellent,’ Ronald beamed. ‘I had a feeling you’d say that.’
At the end of the meeting Hayley rushed around the desk and gave Ronald a hug and a big fat kiss on the cheek, almost knocking his seat over with him in it.
Tony appeared next to her as she walked back to her office in a daze. ‘Congratulations,’ he whispered.
‘You knew?’ she said and whacked him affectionately on the arm with her notepad. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘What?’ He winked. ‘And ruin the surprise?’
She laughed. ‘How did you find out?’
‘Ronald asked me what I thought and I told him I’d quit if he didn’t offer you the job.’
Hayley closed her office door behind them. ‘A juicy bribe to get rid of me would have done you know.’
‘A bribe? Fat chance. We only found out about the baby last week and I’m broke.’ He smiled. ‘We’ve still got months to go and I swear I’ll be destitute by then. That kid has already got more clothes than Angela and me put together.’
‘Lucky thing,’ Hayley said. ‘So you didn’t consider putting your name forward for the job? You would have got it, no question.’
‘No, we want to be close to our families,’ Tony said, shaking his head. ‘And you’re a much better pick. You go get ‘em. You’ll be fantastic. You’ll love it. It’s a great city but by Christ it’s cold in winter, so pack your woollies.’
Hayley laughed. ‘I will.’
He lowered his voice. ‘And stay out of Charles’ way until you leave.’
‘Why?’ She raised her eyebrows. ‘Have I done something wrong?’
Tony shook his head. ‘Only if you consider existing a felony. Rumour has it he wanted to go to Chicago and Ronald refused. Said you were far more experienced. Now it seems you’re on Charles’ hit-list, so watch your back.’
CHAPTER 34
The One Who Got Away
Hayley woke up with a start, immediately registering that she was in a chair, rather than lying in bed.
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