by Cathy Glass
‘I’ll telephone her on Monday,’ Marianne said, ‘and see if she’s willing to tell me what’s going on. This is Derek’s worst nightmare. He was paranoid before about losing Beth, and now …’ Marianne left the sentence unfinished. ‘I would never have said anything if I thought this could have happened.’
I chose my reply very carefully. ‘I think we all have a duty to report genuine concerns about children,’ I said. ‘I don’t think you, I or Miss Willow did anything wrong in voicing our worries. It was up to Jessie and the social services to act as they saw fit. You shouldn’t blame yourself.’
‘I suppose you’re right,’ Marianne said. ‘It’s all so confusing. I really don’t understand what’s going on.’
‘It’s very confusing for Beth too,’ I said.
‘Yes. Poor kid. I’ll let you go now. I’ll be visiting Derek again over the weekend and I’ll telephone you if I have any more news.’
‘Thank you.’
We said goodbye and I hung up. John looked at me. ‘Problems?’ he asked, closing the newspaper and putting it to one side.
‘Yes.’
‘So tell me.’ Which I did. And being able to share my worries helped.
We had a good day on Saturday. Adrian and Paula were delighted to have their father home and that he was able to spend time playing with them. Beth put on a brave face and didn’t need much encouragement to join in the games. Indeed, as with the evening before, she took comfort in having John there and constantly sought out his attention. A few times during the day she came to me and quietly made a comment about her father, showing he was never far from her mind. ‘I wonder what my daddy is doing,’ or ‘I hope Daddy is all right.’ I reassured her as best I could. I didn’t tell her that Marianne had telephoned the previous evening, for she hadn’t really said anything positive that might help Beth, and given Beth’s previous animosity towards Marianne I didn’t think it was wise to tell Beth that Marianne had visited her father in hospital when she had been stopped from seeing him. However, I did tell Beth that if Jessie didn’t telephone me on Monday then I would telephone her on Tuesday to see if she had any news, which was all I could say, really, and seemed to reassure her.
At seven o’clock – the time Beth would normally have been telephoning her father – she left John’s side and, snuggling up to me on the sofa, whispered, ‘Can’t we telephone my daddy without Jessie knowing? I won’t tell anyone.’
We were all in the living room watching some television and I replied quietly so as not to disturb the others. ‘No, love. As your foster carer I have to do what your social worker tells me or I’ll get into trouble.’
Beth thought for a moment. ‘What if I phoned my daddy without telling you? You could write the telephone number on a piece of paper and leave it lying around. Then I could find it. I could go upstairs and phone, and you wouldn’t know anything about it.’
I had to smile, but my heart went out to Beth; she was missing her father so much. ‘Then I’d be in trouble for leaving the telephone number lying around and not supervising you properly,’ I said, giving her a hug. ‘I’m afraid we will have to wait until next week when I can talk to Jessie.’
She pulled a face, but accepted what I’d said and returned to John, while I strengthened my resolve to try to find out what was going on. Beth needed to know why she wasn’t in contact with her father, and I shouldn’t have to rely on second-hand information from Marianne.
On Sunday John suggested we go to Moorlands, which was a small zoo about a forty-five-minute drive away. The children loved the idea and by 10.30 a.m. we were all in our winter coats and piling into John’s car. I appreciated that John had taken the initiative and suggested the outing. While he was working away all the initiatives and responsibility fell to me, but now he was home we were a proper two-parent family again, doing things together and sharing the responsibility. I’m sure the children appreciated it too.
Adrian remembered going to the zoo two years before, when Paula had been a baby. Beth hadn’t been before and said more than once that she’d ask her father to bring her when he was well again. I smiled an acknowledgement but didn’t say anything. In the light of recent developments I found that I was being guarded in what I said to Beth about her seeing her father. With so little information and then Marianne’s comments, I’d no idea if or when Beth would see her father again.
John and I walked around the zoo holding hands as the children darted from one animal enclosure to the next. He appeared relaxed and was in a playful mood and I was reminded of our courtship, which can sometimes become lost with all the commitments a family and a responsible job bring. We took plenty of photographs of the children and the animals and I told Beth I’d have an extra set printed for her.
‘I’ll show them to my daddy,’ she said, smiling at John.
We had lunch at the zoo’s café, then saw the remaining animals and left at 3 p.m. Although the zoo was only small, we’d had a nice day, and when we arrived home the children drew pictures of the animals, while I made dinner and John watched the sport on television. Beth had wanted to watch sport with John, but I persuaded her to join Adrian and Paula – it seemed more apt, and I knew John liked to watch his sport in peace. After dinner I began the bath and bedtime routine earlier than I had the previous two days, in preparation for having to be up for school the following morning. When Paula was in bed I went downstairs to tell John she was ready for her goodnight kiss, but as I walked into the living room Adrian and Beth looked sombre.
‘Is everyone all right?’ I asked.
‘I’ve just had to tell them that I’ve got to go soon,’ John said.
‘What, tonight?’ I asked, surprised. ‘I thought you’d be leaving in the morning.’ Which is what he had been doing when he worked away.
‘Unfortunately not,’ John said. ‘I have an early start tomorrow, beginning with an eight o’clock breakfast meeting. I need to get settled in at the hotel tonight.’
I felt as disappointed as Adrian and Beth looked. ‘Oh dear,’ I said. ‘Well, I suppose it can’t be helped.’
‘I’m afraid not,’ John said.
He stood and went upstairs to say goodnight to Paula while I stayed with Adrian and Beth. The room was quiet. I think we were all surprised by the abruptness of his departure, and I wondered why he hadn’t mentioned it before. When John returned downstairs he stayed in the hall and called out, ‘Are you all coming to see me off then?’
I went with Adrian and Beth into the hall where John was putting on his coat, his suitcase on the floor beside him. He must have packed it earlier while I’d been clearing up the dinner dishes.
‘Bye, kids,’ he said, hugging Adrian and then Beth. Beth clung to him and smothered his face in kisses.
I eased her away and John kissed my cheek, gave Adrian a high-five and then opened the front door. The cold night air rushed in. Paula, having heard the door open, called from upstairs, ‘Is Daddy going?’
‘Yes, love. I’ll be up in a minute.’
The three of us watched John go down the path and to his car. He opened the rear door, put his suitcase on the back seat and then climbed into the front. We waved until he was out of sight, and I closed the front door.
‘I wish he didn’t have to work away,’ Adrian said sadly.
‘I know, love. But it won’t be long until next weekend.’
‘Will I see my daddy next Friday?’ Beth asked, also looking sad.
‘I’ll ask Jessie,’ I said. Which was the best I could offer.
Beth and Adrian returned to the living room while I went upstairs to resettle Paula. ‘Has Daddy gone to work?’ she asked.
‘Yes, love, until next weekend.’
‘Will you give me another cuddle?’
‘Of course.’
I lay on the bed beside Paula and cuddled her until she turned over, ready for sleep. I gave her a kiss goodnight and then came out and went downstairs and into the living room where Adrian and Beth were looking at some bo
oks. They asked if I could read them some stories, which I was happy to do. Although they could both read, like most children they still liked to be read to sometimes, and since Beth’s telephone contact had stopped she’d got out of the routine of going into Paula’s room to listen to her story. I read the books they chose and we talked about the stories until it was time to begin their bath and bedtime routine.
Later, when all the children were in bed asleep, I sat alone in the living room, a single parent again, and watched the news on television. Toscha, sensing I needed company, jumped onto my lap and, purring, licked my chin, which made me smile. She spent some time curling herself into a ball and I stroked her luxuriously soft, silky fur. It was comforting. The weather forecast was now showing on the television, with the presenter saying the temperature was already dropping and icy rain was forecast during the night. Drivers should be aware of the treacherous road conditions and needed to take extra care. I hoped John made it to his hotel before the worst of the weather set in. I worried about him when he was away. He meant the world to me and I couldn’t bear the thought of anything happening to him.
I went to bed at eleven o’clock but was awoken at two by Beth having a nightmare. I heard her shout out and, grabbing my dressing gown, I hurried round the landing and to her room. She was sitting upright in bed looking petrified, with tears on her cheeks. ‘Oh, Cathy!’ she cried, stretching out her arms to me. ‘I thought my daddy was dead. I thought Jessie had phoned and said he was dead. He’s not dead, is he?’
‘No, love,’ I said, holding her close. She gripped my arms. ‘Your daddy is in hospital, getting better. He’s not dead. You had a bad dream, that’s all. It’s gone now.’
‘It was a very, very bad dream,’ Beth said, breathless from shock. ‘It was so real. I thought he really was dead, and I was all alone.’
‘You’re awake now, and your daddy is in hospital,’ I said again. ‘He’s safe.’
Gradually her sobbing eased and she relaxed her grip on me. I persuaded her to lie down and I drew the duvet up to her chin.
‘Can you stay with me and stroke my head until I’m asleep, like my daddy does?’ she asked.
‘Of course, love.’
I sat on the bed and in the half-light coming from the landing I gently stroked Beth’s forehead until she fell asleep. I crept out of her room, quietly pulled her door to and returned to my room. I could see why Beth would have a dream about her father dying. With no information and all contact abruptly halted, it was like a bereavement to Beth, and her subconscious had dealt with it as such, in a dream.
The following morning when I opened my bedroom curtains I saw that a thick hoar frost had settled in the night. Coating the gardens and houses, it gave the outside world a magical fairy-tale quality. It was very pretty. As I woke the children and opened their curtains, I pointed it out so they too could appreciate the beautiful scene. Although the gritting lorries had been out on the main roads, they hadn’t touched the side roads and I didn’t want to risk driving. I left time for us to walk to school. The shrubbery we passed glistened white in the rising sun and the frosty spider webs hanging on the foliage were truly works of art.
In the playground it crossed my mind that perhaps I should go into school and see Miss Willow to update her – that Beth wasn’t seeing her father – as well as possibly learning something new from her. I now thought it was very likely that Jessie’s visit to the school had been in connection with Beth. However, I decided against going in. I thought I shouldn’t make a habit of popping in without a prior appointment, and if Miss Willow had something to tell me then she’d ask to see me, as she had done on Beth’s first day with me.
Once Adrian and Beth had gone into school, Paula and I returned home and I spent most of the morning listening out for the telephone, hoping it would be Jessie with good news, or at least news. The telephone rang only once and it was a friend of mine wanting to arrange to meet for coffee. If Jessie didn’t phone then I’d call her the following day. That afternoon I took Paula to the mother and toddler group we usually attended two afternoons a week, and I switched on the answerphone before I left the house. The group met in the local community centre and it gave mothers of young children the chance to meet and talk to each other over a cup of tea, and their toddlers the chance to play with similar-aged children. It was also good preparation for children, like Paula, who would be starting nursery in a few months. At the end of the afternoon I went straight from the group to school to collect Adrian and Beth.
The first thing Beth asked when she came out was: ‘Did you speak to my social worker? Can I telephone my daddy?’
‘She hasn’t phoned yet,’ I said. ‘But there’s still time.’
Beth’s face set in anger.
‘If Jessie doesn’t phone today, I’ll phone her tomorrow,’ I said. It had only been Friday when Jessie had telephoned, so I thought I should give her a day or so to make her enquiries and get back to me as she’d said she would.
Beth scowled at me and I ignored it. I could understand why she was angry. Thankfully she didn’t make a scene and recovered quickly.
There were no messages on the answerphone when we arrived home. ‘I’ll telephone Jessie tomorrow,’ I confirmed again to Beth. ‘But please don’t get your hopes up, love. We don’t know what Jessie will say.’ For I thought Beth was pinning too much on the phone call.
‘Jessie might say I can telephone my daddy,’ Beth said, undaunted.
‘Or she might say you can’t,’ I said, being truthful. ‘If she does say that, then I’ll try to find out the reasons why.’ Which I thought would help make any decision of Jessie’s easier for Beth to accept. I was wrong.
Chapter Fourteen
The Meeting
The following day I gave Jessie until two o’clock to telephone me and then I telephoned her. ‘It’s Cathy Glass,’ I said as she answered her extension. ‘Beth’s carer.’
‘Yes, I know who you are,’ she said. ‘How can I help you?’
The question threw me, as I’d assumed she’d realize what I wanted. ‘I was wondering if there was any news on Beth’s father,’ I said.
‘He’s still in hospital,’ Jessie replied.
‘Yes, I thought he must be. But do you know when Beth can start telephoning him again? She really misses him. And I haven’t been able to give her a reason why she can’t phone.’
‘Did you tell her my manager and I had made the decision?’
‘Yes. But it would be useful if I could tell her the reason for the decision.’
There was a short silence before Jessie said, ‘I was going to telephone you later. I need you to come in to a meeting, here at the council offices.’
‘Oh, I see,’ I said, taken aback.
‘I was thinking of Thursday at one o’clock,’ Jessie said.
‘How long will the meeting last?’ I asked, thinking ahead. ‘I’ll need to leave by two forty-five to collect Adrian and Beth from school.’ I’d also have to make arrangements to have Paula looked after, but that wasn’t Jessie’s worry, that was for me to sort out.
‘It’ll be about an hour, but best to have a contingency plan ready just in case.’
‘All right. Can you tell me what the meeting is about?’ I asked.
‘Beth,’ Jessie said.
Which I’d assumed. ‘Can you tell me when she can start phoning her father again? She knows I’m speaking to you today and is hoping you’ll be able to tell me.’
‘No. It’s something we’ll address at the meeting on Thursday.’
‘Oh, I see,’ I said. ‘Can I tell her why she’s not allowed to telephone her father?’
‘Is Beth asking?’
‘Yes.’
‘Tell her I’ll explain when I see her. I should be able to visit her some time next week. I’ll confirm a date and time when I see you on Thursday. Was there anything else?’
‘Err, no, I suppose not.’
‘I’ll see you on Thursday, then.’
I hadn’t learned anything new – apart from that I had to attend a meeting – and I was now even more confused (and worried), as I knew Beth would be. If there’s a problem, I’m a great believer in knowing what the issues are and dealing with them. It’s impossible to deal with what you don’t know. For me, ignorance is not bliss. It was Tuesday, and although the meeting on Thursday was only two days away, it stretched before me, an interminable distance to be got through before my questions could be answered and some of this would hopefully make sense.
When Beth came out of school that afternoon she ran up to me, her expression full of anticipation and hope. I didn’t wait for the question I knew would come.
‘I’ve spoken to Jessie,’ I said straight away. Beth’s eyes lit up. ‘We’re going to have to be patient. Jessie said to tell you she’d visit us next week and explain what is happening. In the meantime, we still can’t telephone the hospital, I’m afraid. Sorry, love.’
Tears immediately sprang to Beth’s eyes. ‘Why can’t I telephone my daddy?’ she said, utterly deflated.
I touched her shoulder reassuringly. ‘I honestly don’t know, love. I asked Jessie, but she said she wanted to tell you when she saw you next week. I’ve got to go to a meeting on Thursday, so I may learn more then.’
‘Can I go to the meeting?’ Beth asked, wiping the back of her hand across her eyes.
‘No, love. It’s for adults only.’
‘Will my daddy be there?’
Good question, I thought. Jessie hadn’t said who would be attending, but I felt sure she would have told me if Derek was going to be present. ‘No, I don’t think so,’ I said.
‘If he is there will you tell him I love him very much and I miss him with all my heart.’
‘Of course, love,’ I said. I swallowed the lump that had risen in my throat.
That evening I telephoned my friend Kay. She was happy to look after Paula while I went to the meeting on Thursday, and also to meet Adrian and Beth if I wasn’t in the playground at the end of school. Later, when Paula was in bed and Adrian was busy at the table putting the finishing touches to a model aeroplane he was making, Beth asked me if I would play snap with her. She produced a pack of cards from the cupboard where we kept our games and puzzles and we squatted on the floor of the living room. Beth began dealing the pack into two equal piles.
