by Cathy Glass
Like many parents, I find my children are reluctant to get up on a Monday morning, especially after a great weekend. This Monday was no exception. When I woke Paula she grumbled she was ‘too tired to get dressed’ and told me I should leave her in bed while I took Beth and Adrian to school, which she knew wasn’t an option. Beth also groaned when I woke her. ‘It’s still night-time,’ she said, screwing her eyes tightly closed. And when I woke Adrian he mumbled something about breakfast and then turned over and went back to sleep. I gently shook his shoulder and told him he’d have to get up to have breakfast.
I helped Paula dress and we went downstairs. Adrian and Beth came down later than they should have done for a school day, and I had to chivvy them along so we weren’t late. After very quick washes and teeth brushing we were in the car and arrived in the playground with a few minutes to spare. A friend of Adrian’s called him and he ran over to play, while Beth stayed with Paula and me. I noticed Jenni and her mother standing not so far from us. Jenni kept looking over longingly, as if she would have liked to talk to Beth. I threw her a reassuring smile, but her mother saw and turned her back on me, then turned Jenni away. Fortunately, Beth didn’t see. I really couldn’t understand why the woman was being so hostile to me when all I’d done was uphold Derek’s wishes and refuse to be drawn into a derogatory discussion about him. I hoped it wasn’t rubbing off on Jenni.
‘Do you still play with Jenni?’ I asked Beth.
‘Sometimes,’ she said.
‘And she’s nice to you? She hasn’t said any more hurtful things?’
‘No. She’s OK, but I play with my other friends more.’
‘You could invite one of them to tea this week,’ I suggested, as I would to any child I fostered.
‘I’m not allowed to,’ Beth said. ‘Daddy wouldn’t like it.’
Clearly, not only was Beth not allowed to go to friends’ houses, she also couldn’t invite friends home. Although I didn’t agree with Derek’s views on this – children need to socialize – I decided that, with everything else going on, now wasn’t the time to raise the subject with Jessie. Although I did wonder what Beth thought about Adrian and Paula visiting friends and having friends home, which, like many children, they did regularly.
When Paula and I arrived home from taking Beth and Adrian to school, Paula played with her dolls while I set about vacuuming the carpets. Today’s cleaning was especially thorough as Jessie was visiting after school. Paula began to help with her toy vacuum cleaner, which my parents had given her as a Christmas present. I began vacuuming my bedroom, closely followed by Paula, and noticed John’s wedding ring lying on his bedside cabinet. ‘Oh dear,’ I said, switching off my vacuum cleaner and picking up the ring. ‘Daddy’s forgotten his ring. He will be worried.’
‘Why will he be worried?’ Paula asked, also ‘switching off’ her vacuum cleaner.
‘Because he’ll think he’s lost it,’ I said. ‘It’s precious to him, just as my wedding ring is precious to me.’
Paula peered at John’s ring and then at mine. ‘Why are your rings precious?’ she asked.
‘Because we chose our rings together, and put them on each other’s fingers when we got married and made our vows.’ I saw her next question coming and pre-empted it. ‘Vows are promises you make to the person you love when you get married,’ I said. ‘“For better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; to love and to cherish; till death us do part.” Then you take the rings and say: “With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship and with all my worldly goods I thee endow …”’
‘Oh, I see,’ Paula said, looking as though she wished she hadn’t asked.
‘I expect Daddy will telephone when he realizes his ring is missing,’ I said.
‘Can I speak to him?’ Paula asked.
‘Yes, if he has time.’
We continued our vacuuming and then, once finished, returned our cleaners to the broom cupboard, with Paula storing her cleaner next to mine. Ten minutes later the telephone rang, and sure enough it was John, worried that he’d lost his ring.
‘It’s on your bedside cabinet,’ I said. ‘You must have missed it when you left in the dark this morning.’
‘Thank goodness,’ he said, clearly relieved. ‘I thought I’d left it at the hotel.’
‘Paula would like to say a quick hello,’ I said.
‘Very quickly, then, as I’m due in a meeting soon.’
I held the telephone to Paula’s ear and she said, ‘Hello, Daddy. Mummy has found your ring, so you can still worship her with all your worldly goods.’
I dissolved into laughter. I could hear John laughing too. Paula grinned and said, ‘Bye Daddy, see you soon.’
‘What was all that about?’ he asked me as I drew the telephone to my ear.
I was still laughing. ‘Paula asked why our rings were precious, so I explained about our marriage vows.’
‘Oh,’ John said. ‘Well, glad my ring is safe. Have a good week.’
‘And you. See you Friday.’
‘I hope so, although there’s a slim chance I might have to work through the weekend.’
‘Oh no, not again,’ I said.
‘Sorry. It can’t be helped. I’ll telephone you when I know for sure.’
We said goodbye. I replaced the receiver and hid my disappointment from Paula. If John couldn’t make it home at the weekend, it would mean another two weeks before the children and I would see him again, which seemed a long time. There was no point in telling the children and upsetting them unnecessarily, so I’d wait until John knew for sure before I told them.
After lunch I took Paula to the park to meet up with a friend who had a son of a similar age to Paula and they played together. Although it was chilly, we stayed for over an hour and then I went to school to collect Adrian and Beth. When they came out Adrian reminded me that he would be staying for football practice after school the following day, and Beth reminded me that her social worker was coming that afternoon, neither of which I’d forgotten. It occurred to me that since Beth hadn’t been in contact with her father she didn’t talk about him as much, and her references to being ‘Daddy’s little princess’ and what she would wear when she saw him or spoke to him on the telephone had largely stopped. Now all she asked, as she did that afternoon, was when would Jessie let her see or telephone her daddy again, which was sad.
Once home, I quickly made the children a drink and a snack to see them through to dinner. As this was only Jessie’s second visit (the first being when she’d brought Beth to me), I wasn’t sure what format her visit would take or how long it would last. Different social workers worked differently.
Jessie arrived as arranged at 4 p.m. and I showed her through to the living room, where Beth was already sitting on the sofa, waiting expectantly. I offered Jessie a drink, but she didn’t want one. ‘I’d like to speak to you first,’ she said to me. ‘Then I’ll have a chat with Beth and look at her room.’
Beth looked disappointed.
‘You could play with Adrian and Paula,’ I suggested to her. They were seated at the table in the kitchen with puzzles, paper and crayons, which I’d set out to keep them amused during Jessie’s visit.
‘When will you tell me about my daddy?’ Beth asked Jessie.
‘As soon as I’ve spoken to Cathy,’ Jessie replied.
Beth accepted this and left the room to join Adrian and Paula. I pushed the door to so we couldn’t be overheard and sat on the sofa, while Jessie took the armchair.
‘I thought I’d get an update from you first,’ Jessie said. ‘How has Beth been?’
‘Not too bad,’ I said. ‘She’s missing her father. I’ve reassured her as best I could.’
‘Has Beth said any more about their relationship?’ Jessie asked.
‘Not really. Nothing new. Only what I’ve told you already.’
Jessie nodded. ‘It’s possible this may become a police investigation, in which case Beth will be interviewed and yo
u may be asked questions too.’
‘I’ll obviously do what I can to help,’ I said.
‘I’m still looking into all of this,’ Jessie said. ‘I’m trying to arrange to see Derek’s psychologist again. After that, my manager and I will be in a better position to make a decision on how to proceed. There is one thing I need to ask you.’
‘Yes?’
‘The make-up Beth was wearing when I took her to the hospital … She told me her father bought it for her. Is that right?’
‘Yes, as far as I know. It just appeared here. She said she’d taken it to school to show a friend and had left it in a drawer.’
‘You didn’t buy it for her, then?’
‘No. Certainly not.’
‘And there’s nothing else you’ve heard Beth say about her father that might help us?’
I thought for a moment. ‘No. I’m sure I’ve told you everything. Beth doesn’t really talk about him so much now.’
‘Is there anything from before, when she was in contact with him?’ I felt the pressure to try to remember.
I shook my head. ‘I’m sure I’ve told you all I know,’ I said.
‘And Beth’s eating and sleeping well?’
‘Yes. She’s had a couple of nightmares. One when contact first stopped, but she normally sleeps well.’
Jessie nodded thoughtfully. ‘I’ve spoken to Beth’s teacher and she says that Beth is coping well in school.’
‘Yes. Beth seems quite a resilient child. I suppose she’s had to be, not having a mother and then having to cope with all of this.’
‘Or maybe she’s good at hiding her feelings, as a way of coping,’ Jessie said. ‘I’d like to have a look at the photographs now, please – the ones you took.’
I had them ready and passed the packet of prints to Jessie. She opened the packet and taking out the prints began looking through. There were about twenty in all, taken on our outings and at local parks. ‘I’ve given Beth a copy of all the photographs,’ I confirmed.
Jessie nodded.
She flipped to the end of the photographs and then returned them to their packet and passed it to me. ‘Thank you,’ she said. I’d no idea what she’d been looking for and she didn’t tell me.
‘I’ll talk to Beth now, please,’ she said. ‘I’ll call you when we’ve finished.’ From which I concluded my presence wasn’t required.
I went into the kitchen where the children were crayoning. Beth looked up at me in anticipation. ‘Jessie would like to see you now,’ I said.
I saw Beth into the living room and closed the door so they couldn’t be overheard. I returned to the kitchen where I began the preparations for dinner, while Adrian and Paula continued playing at the table. Foster carers and their children have to get used to being excluded from meetings that take place in their home, uncomfortable though this may be.
Fifteen minutes later we heard the living-room door open and Jessie call out, ‘You can come in now, Cathy.’
‘Stay here, please,’ I said to Adrian and Paula, for I assumed Jessie just wanted me.
In the living room Beth was sitting on the sofa beside Jessie and looking very glum. I smiled at her reassuringly.
‘We’ve had a good chat,’ Jessie said brightly. ‘Beth now understands that my job is to protect her and act in her best interest, although it may not seem like it at the time. We’ve also talked about the different ways people touch us and we touch them. How some parts of our bodies are private and shouldn’t be touched by others.’
‘I can’t see my daddy,’ Beth blurted, looking at me.
‘No, not yet,’ Jessie said.
Having not heard their conversation, I’d no idea how much Beth now understood about why she couldn’t see her father, but I hoped Jessie had explained sufficiently and had answered Beth’s questions.
‘We’ll go up and see your room now,’ Jessie said to Beth. Then to me: ‘You can come too, if you like.’
I nodded. Beth stood and came over and slipped her hand into mine. We went upstairs to Beth’s room, with Jessie following.
‘What a lovely room!’ Jessie exclaimed as we entered.
‘Yes, Beth keeps it very tidy,’ I said, throwing Beth another smile.
‘Fantastic,’ Jessie said. ‘I’ll be able to tell your daddy when I next speak to him what a good girl you’re being.’ Although I appreciated this comment was designed to give Beth comfort, it seemed a bit insensitive to me, given that she couldn’t see him.
‘Look at all your photographs,’ Jessie said, going to the shelves. ‘What a collection.’ She began looking at each one closely, picking it up and then setting it down again. ‘What happened to the glass in these two?’ she asked, coming to the two Beth had smashed in anger.
‘I broke them,’ Beth said sadly.
‘You didn’t mention it,’ Jessie said to me.
‘Sorry, it slipped my mind.’ It was difficult to know what was significant enough to tell Jessie and what wasn’t.
‘I was angry, that’s why I broke them,’ Beth admitted.
‘Angry with your dad?’ Jessie asked.
‘Yes,’ Beth said.
‘But she was sorry after she’d broken them,’ I added. ‘And she’s promised she won’t do it again.’
‘Why were you angry with your dad?’ Jessie asked, still studying the photographs without glass.
‘Because I couldn’t see him,’ Beth said.
‘No other reason?’ Jessie asked, looking at Beth.
‘No,’ Beth said.
Jessie looked at the remaining photographs while Beth and I stood together by the door, watching her. When she’d finished she turned to Beth. ‘I think you keep a photograph under your pillow? Can I see it, please?’
Beth went to her bed, took the photograph out from under her pillow and passed it to Jessie. There was silence as Jessie studied the photograph, then she returned it to Beth who slipped it back under her pillow.
‘You’ve got lots of photographs at home,’ Jessie said, turning again to the shelves. ‘Why did you choose these to bring?’
‘I don’t know. I guess because they’re all of me and my daddy.’
‘You look very grown up in them,’ Jessie said. ‘Why didn’t you bring some of you when you were younger?’
I’d no idea of the significance of this question, and Beth just shrugged.
‘Can I have a look in your wardrobe now?’ Jessie said to Beth.
‘Yes.’ Beth opened her wardrobe door.
‘You’ve got lots of clothes,’ Jessie said, flicking through the hangers. ‘Who chose them for you?’
‘Daddy,’ Beth said proudly.
‘Did he used to choose all your clothes for you?’
‘Yes.’ Beth said.
‘And all your underwear?’
‘Yes,’ Beth said.
Jessie closed the wardrobe door, opened the top drawer of the chest of drawers and began looking through Beth’s underwear, moving some of the pants, petticoats and frilly vests that were on top to see those underneath. She did the same with the second and third drawers and then turned to Beth. ‘You seem very comfortable here with Cathy. Are you happy?’
Beth gave a small nod.
‘Excellent,’ Jessie said and began towards the bedroom door. ‘So you’ll be fine here with Cathy for the time being.’
Beth stared at Jessie’s back and I knew that she’d heard the finality in Jessie’s words, as I had: Beth wouldn’t be going home any time soon and would be staying with me indefinitely.
Chapter Seventeen
Special Present
‘Jessie says I can’t see my daddy,’ Beth told me after Jessie had gone.
‘And did she tell you why?’ I asked.
‘She said it was because she has to make sure I’m safe. But I don’t understand. I am safe with my daddy.’
‘I’m sure Jessie is doing what is best for you,’ I said positively. Based on the little I’d been told, this was all I could say.
&nbs
p; Beth had been living with me for a month now, although it seemed much longer with all that had happened. The week continued in the usual way with the school routine, homework and playing and television fitted in between. Beth began joining Paula for her bedtime story again, which was nice for both girls and distracted Beth from the fact that she no longer telephoned her father at seven o’clock – something she rarely mentioned now. I realized that Beth and Paula were bonding, like sisters. To begin with, Beth had played more with Adrian, who was closer to her age, but now she went out of her way to play with Paula and chose games and books that were suitable for Paula’s age. Beth was very gentle in her manner with Paula and also very patient; she looked out for her and treated her as a younger sibling, which I found very touching. I thought this must come naturally to Beth, for as far as I knew she’d had no experience of younger children, having led a very insular life with her father, which was further proof of what a kind and sweet-natured child she really was.
The week went well until Thursday, when we arrived home from school to see the light on the answerphone flashing, signalling a message had been left. Without any thought that it might be bad news, and with the children listening as they took off their coats, I pressed play. John’s voice came through, and all three children stood very still and silent. ‘Hi everyone. Hope you are all OK. Sorry, folks, but I won’t be able to make it home this weekend. Daddy’s got to work. I’m sure you’ll still have a fun weekend. Speak soon. Love you.’ The digital voice said the message had been left at three-thirty. The machine reset.
Adrian’s face fell. He dropped his coat in the hall and ran upstairs to his bedroom. Beth, able to identify with Adrian’s disappointment, said, ‘Shall I go and make Adrian better?’
