He pretended to think it over, tilting his head side to side as if weighing the possibilities. “Eh, I guess.”
With a laugh, I said, “See you tomorrow.”
He flashed one more grin over his shoulder before hopping over the siderail and onto the deck that separated his boat from mine.
The next day, I went to Isla’s place to give her the real scoop on what happened. She’d barely been able to contain herself as I gave her the rundown. And now she was in her full-out, arms-flailing, hand-talking glory.
“I can’t believe you two did that!” She put out one hand, followed by the other. “I was all worried you were having a breakdown, when in reality you were getting it on with Mason in the bathroom!”
“We weren’t getting it on. And anyway, you sent him in there to talk to me, what did you expect?”
“For the record, I didn’t send him in. He asked if he could try talking to you. It’s not like he was all ‘Mind if I feel your friend up in the bathroom?’ and I was all ‘Sure, by all means, and give her an orgasm while you’re at it.’ ”
“I don’t think he exactly planned it that way. It just happened.”
“Do you think Owen heard?”
I buried my face in my hands and grumbled, “God, I hope not.” I groaned and tried to shake off the very unpleasant image of him standing outside the door, concerned and caring, then being stripped of his innocence by the sounds of grunts and heavy breathing. Of course, I was aware of the fact he was seventeen and a high school boy, which meant he probably had little innocence left—if any—but still, I felt guilty. It was my Owen. And I’d seen the look on his face when Mason stepped out with me.
Isla gave me a gentle shove on the shoulder. “Oh, stop worrying. He probably enjoyed it.”
I shook my head and leaned back. “I don’t know. I think he like, looks up to me or something.”
“Maybe has a tiny crush on you?” She moved her index fingers toward each other then twisted her lips to the side and pulled her hands farther apart.
“No, he likes a girl at school. He told me all about her.”
“Doesn’t mean he can’t still be crushing on you.”
I shrugged. “I don’t think he is, but either way, I don’t want anyone knowing what happened in that bathroom. Well, besides you, of course.”
“You know, if they do find out, at least they’d see you’ve moved on.” She grinned then stared at her hands, which had finally stilled in her lap. Typically a sign she was getting thoughtful on me. “Were you okay though? You did seem pretty upset.”
“I was being dumb. Overreacted. I kind of reached my limit. But seriously, Brody has a baby, Isla. A freaking kid! We’ve been broken up for over a year. Why am I not entitled to have a life too?”
“No one thinks you don’t deserve that. It’s just…you know, you haven’t tried to have one.”
I stared at her, not really sure what to say.
She tucked her dark hair behind her ear and averted her gaze, the way she always did when she felt guilty for speaking her mind.
So was this the way people saw me? As someone incapable of moving on? “But you know I have, right?” I asked, needing to hear the answer from her. “You’ve seen me with other guys.”
“I’ve seen you with them, yeah. But those aren’t like real relationships.” She then quickly added, “Not that you need to be tied down again. You deserve a break from all that.”
“But do you think I’m incapable of having a real relationship?”
She shrugged, but her expression was all the confirmation I needed. They saw me as damaged goods.
“I think you need a fresh start, away from this town. You and Brody aren’t together anymore, but everyone still connects you two. I get it. I see your dilemma. How could you ever date a local? It’s not your fault the whole damn pool of guys we have to choose from grew up together, played ball together, still spend all their time together. We’re way too intertwined. So you choose Summer Boys. Makes sense to me.” She tugged at the seam of the couch cushion, her gaze no longer focused on me. “But, I don’t know, maybe one day a summer won’t be enough. Maybe you’ll want a fall and winter too. Maybe you’ll want a whole damn year, or two or three. What do you do then?” She looked up.
“Guess I’ve never really thought that far ahead.” Never had reason to. But why? Was I damaged goods? I didn’t feel that way. But I did feel kind of without direction at the moment. “Maybe my problem is beyond the guys. How can I settle down if I don’t know who I am? Like what am I supposed to do with my life? Am I going to waitress forever? I sure as hell hope not. You have a plan. You’re taking online classes toward a nursing degree. You know where you want to be in five years. But me, nothing. Not one tiny clue.”
“You could take online classes.”
“But for what? What is my plan?”
“Just start with the basics. It will come to you. You have time to figure it out.” She gave me a reassuring smile, like it was just that easy.
But for some reason it wasn’t. I literally had no clue. Where did life go from here?
I rubbed my head. My directionless future made it ache. “I know, I should take some classes. But school has never come easy for me and, even if I wanted to give it a shot, I don’t have the money for that right now, anyway.”
Isla’s face softened in a look of understanding that said she knew me better than anyone else. She heard what I wasn’t saying. “I could go on and on about financial aid, loans, grants, but I know that’s not what you want to hear. I wish I had the right answer. I wish I could aim you in the right direction, say ‘there’s your future—go’ and have it all be simple from there. But I can’t. Mostly because that’s only something you can answer.” She patted my leg. “But I truly do believe there’s something better for you than what this town has to offer. And so what if you make the wrong choice once or twice? No one says you have to get it right on the first try. But you have to at least give something a shot.”
Maybe that was the problem. I wasn’t willing to try out of fear of getting it wrong. The scary part was that this fear wasn’t just about school or a job…it was all-encompassing. It inhibited my entire future because I was nervous to take a chance on anything…or anybody.
Chapter 13
Mason
“Hey, Felicity. You in there?” After getting cleaned up, I’d headed over to Felicity’s to pick up her computer.
“Yeah, come in,” she called back.
“Hey, I came by to get your computer.” As the door opened, I saw her standing by the sink. “Something smells good.”
“It’s spaghetti, and I made some for you…if you want it.” She glanced at me.
I couldn’t help but smile. “You cooked for me?”
“You’re helping with my computer. It’s the least I can do.” She shrugged then turned back to the stove.
I strolled up behind her as she lifted the lid to check the sauce, and peeked over her shoulder. “It looks delicious.”
Her body slackened just the tiniest bit, bringing her bare neck closer to my lips, and tempting me to close the distance. But before I could act on it, she straightened.
“It’s ready. Let me grab some plates.”
And with that, the moment was over.
I stepped back to give her room, not that either of us really had anywhere to go in this tiny boat cabin. A few steps to the left and we’d be in the living room, a few to the right and we’d be in the bedroom. If we both wanted to stay in the kitchen area, basically all we could do was circle each other.
She grabbed two plates, loaded one up with noodles then offered me the spoon to serve my own sauce. Felicity stared at my plate as I drenched it. I handed her the spoon and she added one small spoonful of sauce to her noodles. I tried not to laugh at how well this summed us up. My indulgence to her reservation.
We sat at the table, and she handed me a bottled water.
“Thanks.”
She twisted her f
ork, slowly spinning noodles around it, while I inhaled mine.
“So do you have a list of computer parts you’re going to need?” she asked.
What she didn’t know was I’d already ordered them. There was no place around Port Lucia that would have the parts, anyway. Problem was, if she knew I’d already bought them, she might want to pay me back. And she worked way too hard for her money, but I didn’t want her to feel like it was a handout either. This was something I wanted to do for her.
“I’ll take another look at your laptop and text you a list.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone. “What’s your number?”
She rattled off the number and a few seconds later, her phone dinged from where she’d left it on the counter.
“I sent you a text so you’d have my number too.” I was glad she didn’t get up to check it. That message was for later.
“Cool. Thanks.”
I smiled. “No problem.”
She pushed her noodles around her plate, looking more distracted than usual.
She finally looked up. “So is that what you want to do? Like a career working with computers?”
“More like programming. But I haven’t decided specifically which field I’d like to work in. Gaming software, educational software, day-to-day applications? There are a lot of avenues to choose from. And it changes constantly. Technology, you know?” I shrugged. “But in reality, I guess, I’ll probably start wherever I can find a job, then I’ll go from there.”
“And you’re okay with that? Like not knowing which field you’ll end up in?”
“Sure. I have to get hands-on experience somehow. I’ll learn, build up my résumé, and hopefully, one day, find the perfect match. What if I say I want to design educational software and start working then realize I hate educational products? No matter how much I like software design, that may not be my niche.” I took another bite of spaghetti. “I’ve got time to figure it all out.”
She gnawed her lip, like she was really thinking hard about what I’d said. But I couldn’t exactly figure out why. “What are you thinking about?”
She released her lip and sat back. Her shoulders slumped a bit. “I’ve been thinking a lot about my future. Mostly because I don’t seem to have one.”
Where was this coming from? She had plenty of time to decide where she wanted to be in ten years, but leave it to her to be stressed about it now. I shook my head. “Everyone has a future.”
“I suppose.” She set her fork down and picked at the label on her water bottle. “Did you always know you wanted to work with computers?”
“I’ve always found programming interesting. I’m good at it. Just made sense.” Somehow that comment only made her look more forlorn. Maybe she just needed a little perspective. “Probably similar to the way you like photography. You find it interesting. You have an eye for it and with a little focus and direction, you could make something more out of it.”
Her gaze lifted and for a moment, her expression seemed to brighten, then she sank back. “If I’m lucky, I’ll get good enough to call it a hobby.” I really hated seeing her like this.
It made no sense why she didn’t think more of herself, or her talents. But then I had a thought. “You know I have an aunt who’s a photographer. Does some amazing stuff. You should meet her. In fact, I have to drive home next week. I need to sign the lease on my new place and get the keys. It’ll be a day trip, there and back, but if you ride with me, we could stop by her studio.” I tried to throw the suggestion out in the most casual way possible, but I held my breath waiting for her answer.
“Really?” She immediately perked up, relieving me. “That would be amazing.” But then she drifted back into thoughtful mode. “You don’t think we’d just bother her?”
“No way. She loves talking about her work.” She seemed so close to fully agreeing, but I wasn’t sure I’d convinced her yet.
I pointed to my plate. “Mind if I get more?”
“Help yourself. There’s no way I could eat all those leftovers.”
I stood and walked the short distance to the small stove then casually asked, “Would next Wednesday work for you?”
“Uh, I need to double-check my work schedule, but I could switch shifts if I needed to. It shouldn’t be a problem.”
I bit back a smile as I scooped spaghetti onto my plate. “Sounds good.”
“Great. I’m excited.”
And so was I. But as I ate my second helping and she finished up her first, she became withdrawn again. Something was definitely up. I’d sensed it from the moment I first got there.
“You okay?” I stood and carried my empty plate to the small sink. “You’re kind of quiet today.” I turned on the water and rinsed my plate.
“Yeah.”
She carried her plate over, and I rinsed it, as well. Then I dried my hands and tossed the paper towel in the trash. I leaned against the counter and pulled her toward me. “Thanks for dinner.”
She took a step back and smiled, but it looked forced. “Like I said, I owed you for the computer help.”
I studied her, wondering if that was what this was about. Here I thought we were moving in the direction of something more between us, but maybe today had been about nothing but payback for my help. Which was pretty much bullshit. Did she just plan on dismissing everything that had happened at Colby’s? And if that was the case, I didn’t want her doing shit for me out of some sort of obligation.
“You don’t owe me anything.” I heard the edge to my voice and knew it was time to go. If I didn’t stop talking, I’d probably regret it. So I snapped my mouth shut, forced my shoulders to relax and offered my I-don’t-give-a-shit grin. “Glad I can help.” Then I brushed past her and headed up the stairs. “I have to be up early, but I’ll see you around.”
Chapter 14
Felicity
Clearly, I’d pissed him off. But why? He did a favor for me so I did one in return.
Whatever. I shook off the unsettled feeling creeping its way through my body and cleaned up the rest of the mess from dinner, which is when I realized he’d forgotten my computer, and the whole purpose for his visit tonight, in his haste to get away.
I got ready for bed, grabbed my bedtime reading material and a surefire way to know I’d be asleep in no time, also known as my camera’s manual, and climbed into bed. I plugged my phone into the charger, and the earlier text from Mason lit up the screen.
Mason: Oh…just remembered. I already ordered all the parts, but thanks for your number.
I envisioned that little grin on his face and tried not to smile. I needed to keep my emotions in check but he had a way of doing exactly this. Making me happy. Which was part of what worried me. I was getting attached. And it was happening way too fast. Like tonight, when he tried to pull me to him, it felt natural to sink into his arms. I craved the contact. And not just physically, but emotionally too, especially since I’d been feeling down all night. It would have been easy to find comfort in him…which scared me. If we kept this up, I’d be in over my head in no time. Then he’d leave, and I’d be alone. Needless to say, that realization forced my guard up. And from the way he took off, I think he knew it too.
My phone chimed in my hand, startling me.
Mason: Was obligation really your motivation tonight?
And then I remembered the other thing he did: Forced me to think. Just like at dinner. I’d been depressed after my conversation with Isla, and the more I talked it out with Mason, the more I realized things about myself.
As he spoke of his future, the more uncertain I became of mine. Though his plans weren’t black-and-white, he had a clear vision of how to get where he wanted to be. Unfortunately for me, not only was I missing the road map, I wouldn’t even know where to head if I had one. Then he brought up photography, and it was like this little glimmer of hope that maybe I could make something more of it. But that dream was so far-fetched, it didn’t seem fair to allow myself to get excited about it. I’d be
en raised to understand if you wanted anything in life, you worked. Hard. Dreams didn’t pay bills.
It wasn’t really his fault, but the entire evening just exacerbated my already crappy mood. And the fact he seemed to want to rehash it now, didn’t sit well with me. I chose my words with care, hoping to smooth things over.
Me: You’re doing something nice for me. I wanted to do something nice in return. But no, it wasn’t obligation. It was appreciation.
Mason: Okay.
Okay? That’s it? I didn’t care to argue, but why did this feel as if he was just trying to placate me?
I set my phone back on the shelf next to the bed and picked up the manual. I was a few pages in when my phone chimed again.
Mason: So it looks like I have a lot in common with your future.
What did that mean? I’d told him tonight I didn’t think I had one. So was he trying to say we didn’t have a future either? It wasn’t like he could end things with me. There was nothing to end. All my earlier frustrations morphed into annoyance, and the target was Mason.
Me: Yeah, how’s that?
Mason: Well, let’s see…You can’t control us. It scares the hell out of you. And you won’t let yourself even get excited about the possibilities.
Mason: Should I go on?
Angry heat crept into my cheeks. Partly because he’d been right, but mostly because he’d had the gall to say it. I didn’t bother responding.
Mason: Thing is, your future…me…we’re happening, one way or another. And right now you may only be willing to give us one day at a time, but that’s okay because the future isn’t where you’ll be in 10 years or even 10 months. It can be as simple as 10 minutes from now.
What made him think he could decide this for me? For us? I swear, he liked to get under my skin. Like he knew exactly how to push all my buttons. Just like at Colby’s. His assessment of me might have been accurate, but that was what didn’t make sense. How did this guy, a practical stranger, read me like that? The part that bothered me the most was that these were my insecurities. My fears. My doubts. He had no business coming into my life and yanking off the mask I’d worn so well for so long.
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