She was the mom. She would always be strong and steady. She would always be ecstatic for any of us because she loved us even if she was dying on the inside.
“How was the daycare today?” I hadn’t been there today because of my interview at the center. I guess this meant that I wasn’t going to be there at all anymore…
“Good. Really good.” Tammy smiled as we sat at our bar table in the corner of Big Louie’s waiting for Ally to get here.
Big Louie’s was the Aspen hangout for locals. Sometimes crossing over into a dive bar when tourist season peaked, it wasn’t too busy tonight. We always went for this table in the corner because it was hard to see the giant flat-screen TVs from here which meant that no one wanted it. Instead, they’d all rather crowd around the giant circular bar in the center of the room that was lined with TVs for all the avid sports fans.
“Lila is so adorable.” Tammy chuckled, drawing my attention back to her. “I told you how she still refuses to say my name?”
Lila was one of the regulars at Open Hearts Daycare and Preschool—a celebrity’s daughter, or so we suspected, since we never saw or met her parents—only the nanny.
“Does she need speech therapy?”
Tammy shook her head. “Oh, no. She can say my name, but she insists on calling me ‘Mammy’ instead of Tammy. It’s precious.” My stomach squeezed. It was absolutely precious—for a normal person. But I knew it couldn’t be easy for my friend who most likely would never have children to hear one of her favorite little students basically calling her mom.
“How old is she? I’m sure it’s just a phase.”
“She’s only 5.”
Our conversation was cut short as Ally skipped over to our table and threw her arms around me. “Congratulations!!!”
“Thank you, thank you!” I squeezed her back. This was one of the reasons that I knew I was meant to come back here—these two girls.
It was only when I stood back that I saw she hadn’t come alone. Emmett had brought her—which wasn’t a surprise in the slightest since the man could barely stand to let her out of his sight. What was a surprise was that Nick and Chance had come, too.
Seeing my gaze, she grimaced and offered a small, “Sorry.” Just keep smiling, Jessa. “When I told Emmett I was meeting you here, he said that the guys were going out for drinks tonight anyway. I guess my brother wanted to talk to them.” She shrugged. I knew she avoided mentioning Chance around me especially after she’d learned what had happened between the two of us.
“It’s fine, Al. Should we get drinks?”
“Yes! I can have Emmett get them,” she suggested like it was a peace offering.
“No, I’ll get them,” Tammy volunteered. We both knew she was getting them for us and not for herself. And she didn’t wait for our answer before heading to the bar.
“So are you excited? I’m so happy you got your dream job, Jess!”
I was, too, as I launched into some of the details that I’d already shared with Tammy about the facility, Dr. Lev, and my overall excitement to start my career. Finally, some purpose was making its way back into my life.
I’d had several reasons for moving back to Aspen—the mountains, my old friends, my dreams of where I wanted to work. Another big reason was the sculpted specter of my past standing at the bar. I should make things right. I should find a way for him to accept my apology. Instead, I was paralyzed. I’d never thought of myself as a coward before, but seeing Chance Ryder again only brought one thing to my mind.
Run.
As fast as I could.
Away from the man with the oceans in his eyes begging me to drown in their depths. And the way he looked at me now, I knew there was nothing he would love more than to watch me sink and suffocate in him—and everything that I’d given up.
“Me too! One part of my life in order while another part falls into shambles,” I joked.
“What are you talking about?” she turned and wondered with a frown.
“My apartment.”
“Oh.” She sighed heavily—guess she thought I meant something more serious. “How much longer do you think they will be?”
“I have no idea and my landlord has even stopped returning my calls. I need to start looking for something else. As much as I love living with Tam, I know it’s making her more stressed,” I admitted guiltily.
Ally fidgeted with worry before asking, “How is she? With the tests and everything?”
I shrugged. “She’s doing ok. They have her fasting for some of them which makes it hard. Honestly, I think the hardest part is that she feels like she always has to put on a strong face for me—or anyone, really. So, when she gets home at night, she can’t relax because I’m there; and I’m not even talking about how I’m not the neatest person… She just wants everyone to think that she’s ok.” I glanced over at our subject. “The longer I’m there, the more she has to put on that mask. I wish she would talk to me or you or someone, but I can’t force her; I can see how even when I ask it stresses her out.”
“I can’t believe that they don’t know anything yet. It’s been weeks,” Ally said painfully. She had the biggest heart and she wore it front and center, stitched to her sleeve.
“Yeah, I guess her endometriosis is complicating things. She mentioned something about maybe having to go into Denver for testing in a week or two. I think they are giving her body a little break from it all.”
“Oh, Tammy.” Ally’s face showed the heartbreak that we both felt.
“Anyway…” I saw Tammy grabbing our drinks from the bar. “I need to find a new place which is going to be hard not only because I now have a full-time job, but also, it’s the middle of the season, so I know mostly everything is either going to be rented or so expensive that I won’t be able to afford it. I’m going to go look this weekend though. Gotta start somewhere…”
I also needed my own space. For my candles and my La Croix. A space that was clean and could have a comfortable amount of disorder in it, reminding me how life isn’t—and doesn’t need to be—perfect.
And how some things are just beyond our control.
“Oh, man. I can’t believe that. How can they kick you out and give you no reasonable idea of when everything is going to be fixed?”
“Here you go, girls! Dark ‘n’ Stormies.” Tammy set the two mugs on the table; I knew she wasn’t going to get anything for herself. “So, you’re starting tomorrow?”
“Yeah. Are you sure that’s ok? If you need me at the daycare, I’m sure that I can work something out. My boss seems super nice.”
I looked to the bar as I took a sip of my drink because I felt his eyes on me—like waves lapping at my feet, begging to pull me under. I was right; I would know that feeling anywhere—the one that curled through every inch of my body, the one that eight years ago would’ve had us outside in the back of his car, windows foggy with my screams.
I shifted in my seat. The lined black leggings that I’d thrown on were somehow now uncomfortable.
This would be the point where I would admit that the proud asshole at the bar with the jawline that was as chiseled as ice could make my panties melt even with the hatred in his stare; except that I wasn’t wearing any underwear—a habit that I’d formed almost nine years ago because of that damn stare. In some cases, I was a fast learner and I’d learned that being with Chance and wearing underwear were two things that did not go well together, so I nixed the underwear. It made the following year and a half much simpler.
I couldn’t resist him; that had always been my problem. And it seemed that the eight years in Texas and away from him hadn’t changed that one bit.
“It’s really fine.”
“I can always help out, too, Tam, if they need a few weeks to find someone else. I don’t start school until the end of May.”
“Wait, school?” Two sets of bulging eyes stared Ally down.
“Crap.” Ally winced. “I wasn’t going to say anything because I didn’t want to steal your thunder, Jessa…”<
br />
“Seriously? Since when would I care about that? Spill!”
“Well, I told you how Emmett wanted me to help with the marketing for his boards? And that I applied to the University of Colorado? Well, I got the letter this morning that I was accepted for the fall semester.”
“WHAT!!” I exclaimed and Tammy said in unison. “That’s amazing, Ally! Congratulations!”
“Why didn’t you tell us earlier?”
“Well, Emmett wanted to… celebrate…” If the stammer in her sentence didn’t do the trick, the pink flooding her cheeks told us exactly what kind of ‘celebrating’ they’d done. “And by the time I went to call you guys, you’d already texted me, Jess.”
“Well, you are crazy for holding out on us, Al, because we are so happy and proud of you!”
“Thank you.” Her response muffled as we both hugged her. “Anyway, so if you need help Tam. I’m going to be taking some classes over the summer to get a jump on things.”
“Yeah, I can definitely let you know.”
I stood. “Ok, one more round on me—this time to celebrate your big news, Al,” I grinned and headed towards the bar, remembering a second too late that this would put me within arm’s reach of the man who was my downfall.
“Hey Jimmy.” I greeted our regular bartender who Ally had worked with for a few months when she moved here. Jimmy was the. Best. Bartender. He and his boyfriend, who worked in the kitchen, had met in New York City and then moved out here together—probably when pot became legal, but that was only my speculation.
“Hey there, J.” He planted two hands on the bar. “What can I getcha?”
I opened my mouth to ask for two cosmos, but then shut it. “You know what? I don’t know. Can you make me something?”
His eyes lit up. He loved making custom cocktails for people—some regulars even got their concoctions on the menu.
“I most certainly can, ma’am. Tell me what you are thinking. And what the celebration is for.”
I grinned. “I’m starting my new job tomorrow. Just got hired today.”
“Ahh! Amazing!! Ok, what are you thinking? Dry, sweet?”
“Oh, she wants something sweet, Jimmy.” Icy shivers crawled up my spine at the unwelcome interjection into our conversation.
I whipped my head around to be caught fast in ice-blue eyes. “How—“
Chance’s finger pushed against my lips. I jerked my head away but not before he continued commandeering my drink request.
“Sweet. With the jasmine-infused rum that you make, blueberry, and pineapple.” I knew Jimmy wouldn’t question him; the way he was looking at me, I wouldn’t question him either—and it was my drink.
“I know just the thing!” he exclaimed. “Give me a few minutes—this one is fancy.” He winked at me and I tried to smile but all I could think was that he was leaving me with Chance for those few minutes.
“Why did you do that?” I levelled him with my best disapproving stare.
“Why didn’t you stop me?” he rasped, my lower parts clenching at the husky vibration.
Dammit. I huffed loudly; it only made his smirk bigger. “What do you want, Chance?”
He downed whatever was left in his glass, yelling to Jimmy a second later for another double of Powers.
“I want—“ I should have been more specific, “—to know if your pussy still tastes as sweet as it did in high school. And if I can still make you come with a flick of my ton—“
I kept my eyes on Jimmy, squeezing my thighs together to try to stop the desire bleeding out of me. “No, you don’t,” I said firmly, so many parts of me wishing it was a lie. “What do you want right now?” I had to cut him off before I couldn’t control the damage. “Why are you talking to me? You hate me, remember?”
I didn’t walk on eggshells around him; I walked on the glass shards of his broken pride. Broken because of me.
“What are you celebrating?” he demanded.
I only answered because I was sure he’d already overheard what I’d told Jimmy—and that was only if Emmett hadn’t informed him in the first place. “I just got hired for my dream job, if you must know.”
“Congratulations,” he replied with a voice that was as smooth as steel—that was how I knew the word was a knife that would eventually end up in my back.
“Thank you,” I forced out through clenched teeth. “But I know you’re not happy for me.”
“Oh, I am, J-bird. I am.”
I swallowed over the lump in my throat. I was missing something. He was dead serious about being happy for me—and he shouldn’t be. Something wasn’t right.
“Sorry, Chance. I don’t believe you,” I confessed. I’d seen him exactly one time since moving back—our run-in that turned into a blowup at the Ryder house a few weeks ago when he’d been looking for Ally. We hadn’t spoken since; there was no way we were now on magically good terms.
“I don’t care,” he replied coldly, leaning in closer to my face. I couldn’t suppress a shiver as his tongue licked a line from my cheek to my ear. “You’ll believe me tomorrow.” My leggings were drenched.
I might not be as brave as I’d hoped around him, but I wasn’t a complete coward. I didn’t move as his breath caressed my ear, my lungs choking on the sexual and spiteful tension between us.
Was it even possible that the way he treated me—the way he hated me –made me want him more?
So fucked up, Jessa.
“What’s tomorrow?” I knew he’d been waiting for me to ask.
“The day you realize that dreams can turn into nightmares with the flick of a switch.”
And just like that, the words took me back to the night that started it all…
‘Jessa, are you in here?’ I could hear Chance’s slurred words as he got to the kitchen door.
Before Nick could curse again at the darkness I’d doused us in, my hands fisted his shirt and I pushed my lips onto his. Nick Frost had a lot of faults. Being an eager participant in a kiss had never been one of them… until that kiss was forced on him by his best friend’s girl.
Nick tasted like a hot cup of weed watered with gin. Tongue deep in the prime example of intoxication, nausea rolled through me. I held it down because this was the only way… the only way to get him to leave me.
Even though my eyes were closed, I could tell when the lights came on. With the flick of a switch his dream became my nightmare. One-Mississippi, Two-Mississippi, Three-Mississippi. The hardest seconds of my life, keepings my lips where they were—where they shouldn’t be. It was that flick that kept Chance on the mountain where he belonged and turned me into the villain in a nightmare of my own making.
“The JBird Swizzle.” I blinked and gaped at Jimmy who somehow made it back in front of me.
Chance was gone; his presence replaced with pure dread.
How did he know Chance’s nickname for me? Why would he call the drink that?
“That’s the name of the drink, Jessa. It’s from a bar I used to work at in New York…” He slid the two pink frozen drinks towards me.
Of course, it was; Chance probably knew it, too.
I gave my best attempt at a smile. “Thanks, Jimmy. They look delicious.”
Eight of Wands (Reversed): This card can indicate significant delays despite having a lot of energy and enthusiasm to progress forward; you are now being faced with multiple obstacles in your course. (This card can also indicate the feeling of guilt. Remember, nothing can change the past. Guilt can only create change in your future actions. Sometimes, the best thing to do is forgive yourself.)
“ALRIGHT, MISS MADISON.” I JUMPED at Dr. Lev’s voice behind me. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”
I turned from where I was cleaning up from my lunch. “That’s ok,” I smiled trying my very best not to call him Santa.
“I wanted to check in and see how your morning went. Kyle said you seemed to be doing very well.”
Since I was new, I started the morning off shadowing one of the
two head physical therapists—Kyle Masters. I didn’t know it was physically possible for someone to be so good-looking and so sweet. He was like the male version of Tammy—kind, considerate, funny—and you only needed less than fifteen minutes in his presence to figure it out.
After going over the ropes, he showed me around the place a little more before we broke for lunch.
“He’s great. Gave me a lot of good tips,” I replied with a smile.
“Wonderful. Once we remodel the second floor, maybe the two of you can share an office.”
Kyle had explained that they’d needed more space on the first floor for new equipment from a grant, so they’d had to remove some offices in order to make room. Right now, all the PT’s only had this conference room on the second floor of the building where we could set our stuff. There were a few computers in there that we could use for our chart notes and things like that. When Kyle had shown me yesterday, Monroe was in there with the same nurse and tech gossiping about something—or someone. From the way Kyle explained the room, he made it seem like because of the inhabitants, it wasn’t very conducive to getting work done.
“So are you ready for the afternoon? For your first patient?”
Hold the phone. I froze. “I have a patient?” My heart raced. As of yesterday, there was no one in my schedule so I was planning on shadowing another one of the PT’s this afternoon.
“You do. I assumed he would have told you since he said he was a friend when he requested you…” Why was he looking at me like that? With curiosity. “Didn’t you see your schedule?”
Not wanting to look inept on my second day of work (a ridiculous notion), I nodded. “Oh, right. Yes. Sorry. I thought you meant tomorrow for… some… reason…” I trailed off lamely, but Dr. Lev had already moved on, hopefully without noticing my obliviousness.
Who would have requested me? I bit back a groan. The last thing I needed was to look like an idiot on my first official day.
“I figured I would come and grab you since he’s here. Figured I could review his case quickly while we walk down to meet him.”
For the first time, I wished there was a paper chart for him to hand me, but now that everything in the medical world was digital; all patient information was located on the iPad I’d been given that was currently charging downstairs in the clinic.
Enjoy the Ride (Winter Games Book 3) Page 3
