Enjoy the Ride (Winter Games Book 3)

by Dr. Rebecca Sharp

  The nagging voice of reason in my head—her voice—asked why would she? I’d cut her off—slandered her in front of everyone that she and I had known back then. I’d turned her into an outcast because my pride was suffering. She’d had no one left here except for Tammy when she moved to Texas. What other choice did I give her?

  I’d been a father.

  Just like fucking Frost—who was going to have to fend for himself back there. He knew he could stay as long as he needed; I didn’t need to be there.

  It was already dark out; we’d been on the mountain for most of the day.

  I pulled into Big Louie’s and stalked inside. I needed a strong drink. No, I needed an over-the-counter amnesiac and analgesic. I wanted to not feel the pain. More than that, I wanted to forget the pain ever existed.

  How could she not have told me?

  Even though I knew the answer. The question still stung. It was ironic that this all started because I’d wanted revenge—I’d wanted to make her feel betrayed and break her heart because she’d done the same to me.

  What were the chances that the kiss with Frost—my whole reason for all of it—was nothing like I thought? What were the chances that one betrayal was erased only to be replaced with another?

  “Whiskey. Double.”

  “What—“ The bartender approached me, about to ask which whiskey I preferred.

  “I don’t fucking care, Jimmy. Whatever kind gets it in the glass the fastest.”

  I swirled the liquid in the glass—molten amber amnesiac. Except instead of making me forget, it only made me remember Jessa’s eyes. With a growl, I downed the entire thing.

  My next request was for vodka.

  My phone buzzed, but I ignored it. I needed one goddamn minute to process.

  I’d become a father and lost my child all within the space of a minute.

  The clear alcohol lit a path of matches down my throat as I tried to swallow it and the truth.

  Maybe I shouldn’t have left.

  I pulled out my phone, ignoring the second buzz from a text from Frost.

  I tapped into my ‘Favorites’ list, finding the number I was looking for.

  “Hello?” My twin’s voice rang clear from the other end of the line.

  “You busy?” I bit out.

  “What’s wrong?” she immediately asked.

  I pushed my empty glass away. “I’m coming over. We’re going for a drive.”

  “Ok.” No questions. No nothing. Channing could read me because in some ways, she was me. And this discussion wasn’t going to be started over the phone while I sat in a bar, drinking down fear, regret, and the bitter stab of betrayal.

  I left cash on the counter and stalked out to my car. The shots that I’d taken barely brought any degree of warmth into my bones. Everything was cold again. Just like it had been before everything had started with Jessa.

  The drive to Wyatt and my sister’s townhome was short and she’d been waiting because I barely put my jeep in park before she was out the door and jogging to the car.

  There was a burst of cold as she quickly slipped into the passenger seat, not bothering with a seatbelt before she turned to face me.

  I met her, stare for stare. Blue for blue. I looked for the clearer version of myself in her eyes. I didn’t like what I saw.

  “Hope I didn’t interrupt anything.”

  One eyebrow raised. “Why would you ever be an interruption? Jerk? Maybe. Interruption? Never.” Not when it was something important were the words that went unsaid.

  I shrugged and backed out of the spot.

  We sat in silence for a few minutes as I drove through the sleepy streets. Friday night, everyone was out in one bar or another, leaving most of the roads empty except for the snow. Unlike Ally who would have been knee deep in this conversation, her mouth moving at sixty words per mile. Channing, though, knew that what needed to be said, needed to come from me.

  Why I pushed her… all of them away… was becoming more and more of a mystery to me.

  I glanced over at my patient twin and a small smile tugged at my lips.

  Whatever we were made of, she and I were the same.

  The car came to a stop and we both stared out the windshield at the yellow dots that lit up the mountain. I hadn’t planned on coming here. I hadn’t planned on a lot of things.

  “I was a dad,” I began, but she hid her shock well. “For a little while anyway.”

  I thought it was going to be harder, but it wasn’t—telling Channing everything that had happened with Jessa, everything about the past, and then the revelations of today. And she sat there calmly, asking nothing of me except that I continue to say whatever I needed to.

  “What do I do?” I finally stopped to ask.

  Silence. And then the door locks flicked open. “Let’s go for a walk.”

  She hopped down from the car before I could say any different.

  “You look like I did, the night you came back.”

  I scoffed, my breath fogging into the crisp cold air as we ambled aimlessly towards the main lift. “Lil, you were a mess. You could barely stand up straight you were crying so hard.”

  She put her hand on my arm to slow me. “I never said that you looked the same on the outside,” she said. “Chance, it sounds like you found something—someone—that meant more to you than the mountain; it sounds like you found her a long time ago. And like me, you pushed back because you felt betrayed, because you felt like you didn’t have faith.”

  The crunch of the snow stopped as she came to a halt, a few flurries blowing her short hair in front of her face.

  “I don’t know what to do, Lil.” My hand rubbed over my mouth and I realized how cold it was; I didn’t feel anything though except what was coming from inside. “I’m angry and I’m hurt. And I feel like she fucking betrayed me again.”

  “Then why are you here?”

  Because I love her. And it hurts so fucking bad.

  “Because I feel like I fucking betrayed her,” I admitted softly. “All this started because I’d wanted revenge—I’d wanted to make her feel betrayed and break her heart.” A pained laugh escaped me. “And when I left the house tonight, I wanted to feel like I should have just stuck to my plan. But I couldn’t. I always figured one of us would end up broken by this, except I think it managed to break us both.”

  “When you came back, you told me that the mountain and snowboarding wasn’t everything—that you had to learn that the hard way. I learned it wasn’t everything because it had been replaced by Wyatt without me even realizing. What you didn’t say was that even though you learned it, you had nothing to replace it with. You’ve been empty this whole time, Chance.”

  I listened to her, but I heard myself. She was my mirror—the glass that distilled out all the vanity and vengeance and only reflected veracity.

  “Until her.”

  The words hung between us like a lantern in the distance—bright, pulsating, and warm.

  I didn’t even know who said it. Maybe it was the wind—a whisper from the mountain. The one last truth that it would teach me.

  “But you didn’t run.”

  “No, I drove. I left the house and I drove away.”

  “That’s not what I meant,” she huffed. “You were angry and hurt when you broke your knee and you ran—not just drove down the road. You ran all the way to California. And you can justify it however you want—that it was also for me or whatever,” her hands came up, “and I’m sure that that is true. But the truth is that you ran because you felt like you failed. And you’ve been running ever since you came back—away from healing, away from the opportunity that Wyatt and I offered, away from giving meaning to your future, and away from those who care about you.”

  “What’s your point, Lil?” I bit out.

  “Tonight, you stayed. You stayed and you called me and you asked for help.” She wrapped her arms around my chest and I pulled her tight to me. “Tonight, you finally stopped letting your pride sta
nd in the way of the happiness you could have.”

  “She should have fucking told me. I should have been there.” I reached up and brushed a snowflake off of my nose. The snow was coming down harder now. Looked like we were in for some inches overnight.

  “How do you know she didn’t try?” Lil whispered. “You don’t. You don’t because you only got Ally’s ranted version of the story.”

  “I know that I’m hurting—and she probably is, too.”

  “What are you afraid of?”

  “That I’ll find out that I’ve let her down again. That I’ve failed again,” I whispered into the beanie that she was wearing.

  “How many times have you picked yourself up from a fall? A lot. How many times have you picked me up from a fall? Even more. You told me a few months ago that we don’t give up when we fall, we get back up. We don’t ever give up on something or someone that we love. And I’m not just talking about Jessa, I’m mostly talking about yourself. We all make mistakes that change our lives in one way or another. It’s how we respond to those changes that defines us.”

  “And how should I respond? How will she respond?” I groaned, now remembering the heart-shattering look on her face before I walked out the door.

  “You know I can’t answer that. Just like you couldn’t tell me how Wyatt would react when I tried to win him back. It’s an unknown,” she said. “But, at some point you have to step into the unknown, Chance, because the unknown is the only place where you can overcome anger and ego.”

  “Comforting…” I grumbled.

  I felt her laugh against me.

  “Do you love her?” She pulled back to look up at me and asked. I knew that question was coming at some point or another.

  “Yes.” Fuck if I knew what to do with it though.

  “Then, I’d have to say that you’re here, Chance, and you love her—I think you’ve already decided how to respond.”

  I held her close and stared up at the snow-capped peaks that glowed under the moonlight. The mountain wasn’t everything—it was a part of my past and a part of my future—but it wasn’t everything. It was the means, not the end. It brought me to the people that I loved and who loved me.

  With my arm around her shoulder, we walked back to the car—anyone behind us would have thought they were seeing double.

  I’d made my decision. I may have left the house, but I wasn’t going to leave her.

  Whatever role I’d played in this mess, I was going back there to work through it because Jessa was everything to me. Whatever it took, I wasn’t letting her go again.

  “Thanks, Lil,” I said softly as I put the car in park at her house. The light was still on so I knew that Wyatt had waited up. We’d been out for almost three hours. “Tell Wyatt I’m sorry for keeping you out late.”

  She waved her hand at me to say not to worry about it.

  “You’re worth it, Chance. You’re worth the fight. You’re worth hiring and you’re worth loving. I’m glad that Jessa finally made you see that. Now, go show her that she is, too.”

  “Love you.” I smiled tightly, silently praying that I didn’t fuck this up, too.

  “Love you, too.”

  The house was completely quiet and everything Jessa when I finally walked through the door. That one candle that she insisted on burning—pine and pineapple—was still half-melted on the coffee table. I looked farther in to see Emmett sitting at the kitchen counter, typing furiously on his phone.

  His bright red head whipped up. “Hey,” he rasped in greeting.

  “Where is everyone?”

  “Everyone?” he asked with curiosity. “Ally and Jessa are upstairs. Frost left a while ago. Had to get the kid to bed and all.”

  My heart fell. Words that had been building up in my mouth during the entire drive here, prepared to spill out before she could have the chance to tell me that I was the biggest asshole in the world and that she could never love me, now sank like heavy stones in my throat.

  “Why is it every time I’m in this house lately, you are causing a shitstorm?”

  My jaw ticked at his reference to how a month or so ago, I’d beaten the shit out of him for falling in love with my baby sister.

  “Why is it every time you are in my house lately, you make me want to punch you?” I retorted in jest, walking closer to the kitchen so that our voices wouldn’t travel.

  I stopped next to him and he looked up at me with eyes that said that Ally had shared exactly what went down here earlier.

  “I’m sorry, Pride. I’m sorry about Jessa and the baby.” He rubbed a hand over his hair. “I had no idea. If I had known…”

  “You still wouldn’t have told me because Ally would have killed you.”

  He grinned and shrugged. “You’re probably right. How are you holding up?”

  “I’m not. I need to talk to her.”

  “I think she’s out for the night.” I looked to him for more of an explanation. “Wish I could tell you more, but I got here after they were already up there. Ally came down to find some more tissues and grab a can of that damn water that Jessa drinks and she told me what happened. But that was over an hour ago.” He stood and clapped me on the back. “Whatever you’ve got to say is going to have to wait until the morning.”

  I sat down and dumped my head into my hands, pulling out my phone to finally look at the message Frost had sent earlier.

  FROST

  Don’t worry about it.

  FROST

  Need to talk to you when you get time. Deal with your shit first. Thanks for letting me borrow your house.

  Like I hadn’t been living in his for the past however many months.

  I looked up, hearing soft footsteps on the stairs. For a second, my every cell thrummed with hope that it was Jessa, but it was only my sister. Her eyes were red and swollen, sadness weighing down every step that she took.

  If she looked like this… My stomach clenched; I could only imagine what Jessa looked like.

  “You’re back.” Monotone and hoarse, I couldn’t tell whether it was a question or a statement.

  “I couldn’t leave,” I rasped.

  “Well, that’s a first.” My teeth clenched together at her jab. I deserved it.

  “Sunshine…” King murmured softly, putting his hand around her waist.

  “What?” she asked him before pulling away to come and stand in front of me. “Did you come back to make sure someone swept up the dust after she crumbled?”

  “No,” I ground out. “I came back to apologize. I came back to grovel. I came back to tell her that I fucking love her.”

  It was hard to tell which one of those statements shocked her more. And then her eyes welled with tears again before she wrapped her arms around my waist.

  “I-I’m still s-so mad at y-you,” she said shakily, “f-for what you said. B-But I’m so happy you came back.”

  I wrapped my arms around her, gently rubbing her back. “I’m sorry, Al. I’m sorry for being such a fucking dick—and not just because of this. I’m sorry for not being here for you.” I sighed into her hair. Christ, I was turning into a fucking emotional pussy tonight. But I didn’t give two shits. “I was lost, Al. I was so fucking lost.”

  She hugged me tighter because she knew what that was like, too.

  When she and I hurt, we both ran.

  Holding her, it began to dawn on me what had happened over the past few weeks. Sometimes, the heart and the mind aren’t in harmony—they play tug of war with your emotions and your life. I wasn’t lost because I didn’t know where to go; I was lost because I had two options and I didn’t know which way was right. My mind fighting for pride. My heart fighting for peace.

  Among many other things, at some point in life you come to realize that in one way or another, you’ve let yourself down. You aren’t alone. You aren’t the first person to be afraid, confused, or ashamed of the choices that you’ve made. But it is in these moments of self-loathing that you realize that being lost enables you t
o find yourself again.

  I found myself because of her—because of Jessa. I found myself because my mind and my heart both wanted the same thing; they both wanted her.

  “She’s asleep, Chance,” Ally said as she untangled her arms from me and stepped back into Emmett’s arms.

  “I’ll be here when she wakes up.”

  She nodded and looked up to King, ready to head back to their house.

  “I’ll see you soon?” she asked quietly.

  “You will.” It was a promise. I’d been absent from everyone’s life for months—but no more.

  A few minutes later they were gone and the house was quiet again, my shattered sleeping beauty upstairs and unaware just how much my heart ached to be able to heal her right now.

  Collapsing into one of the leather chairs in the living room, I turned on the fireplace below the TV and stared absently into the flames. I wasn’t going downstairs. The first fucking thing Jessa was going to see when she woke up was me. Here. Ready to fucking beg.

  Bright colors caught the edge of my gaze—the fire reflecting off of the back of the stack of Tarot cards that Jessa had left on the table.

  I’d seen them a few times when we dated before, but they’d been up in Ally’s room until yesterday when I’d come home to her staring at the deck like she wanted to choose a card, but couldn’t.

  Either the alcohol or the emotion started to sink in—or maybe just exhaustion—and I lost myself staring at those cards. Like they could somehow connect me to the woman upstairs.

  My heart felt heavy, yet somehow hopeful.

  I couldn’t stop myself. I reached for the deck, shuffling the smooth cards in my hands. Setting them down on the table, I cut the deck with my left hand, and set the top half of the deck to the left. I had no idea what any of these cards meant, but it didn’t matter.

  My fingers drew the top card from the right pile, slowly flipping it over in my hand to stare at the intricate drawing on the other side—a naked woman dumping water everywhere.

  What the hell was that supposed to mean?