With a heavy sigh, I leaned back into the chair. Fuck, my eyes felt so damn heavy. Leaning my head back, I held the card up above my face and stared at it as though it could give me answers.
Because aren’t these kinds of answers supposed to be written in the stars?
The Wheel of Fortune: Life tends to go in cycles. There are good times and bad times—the bad times providing contrast and perspective so you can recognize how blessed you are when the good times come. Do not stand still and accept what life hands you; take initiative and an active hand in trying to stay on the upside of the Wheel. The Wheel, like life, always turns. Don’t fight it. Go with the flow and the ride will become easier.
I WALKED TO THE KITCHEN in a daze, looking at each piece of clothing that lay strewn on the floor like they were pieces of my heart.
Was this real?
Emotions bubbled at bay, a subtle lapping at my feet while the thought that crashed over me like a tsunami was that I had lost him again because of my fear. Forget about Nick, our child should have been the first confession that slipped from my lips.
Liar.
Cheater.
Heart-breaker.
Ally sat in the living room with her head in her hands. I’d come into the kitchen for a water, but I couldn’t find the strength to even open the refrigerator, standing numbly in front of the counter.
“He’ll be back.” The cool, collected voice of Nick Frost melted over me like snow. A refreshingly cold reality.
“He won’t.” I turned to him. Frost eyed me with those eerily white, foggy eyes of his; they were like a filter that let him see through everyone else’s bullshit while masking his own. “He’ll never forgive me for this.”
“Wrong,” he said nonchalantly, like my own heart wasn’t breaking in front of him. “He’ll forgive you because he loves you. Because he’s always fucking loved you.”
“I’ve hurt him too many times.”
“Please,” he scoffed. “I kissed his girlfriend. I made him take care of my sorry drugged-up ass for years. I kicked him out of my house after I told him he was free to crash. And, as it turns out, my words were the reason you decided you had to kiss me in the first place.” He shrugged. “And that doesn’t even begin to list the minor infractions that I’ve committed against our friendship—on purpose—over the years. Sorry, sweetheart. If he can forgive me to still be my friend, there’s no chance in hell he won’t forgive you. He loves you.”
My mouth parted on a small gasp. The way he said the words sounded almost like he was threatening me if I didn’t believe him.
Truth: I was afraid to believe him.
“I can actually speak from experience and tell you that having a kid dumped in your lap—in any circumstance—blows your fucking mind.”
“I should have told him a long time ago. I should have kept trying…”
“And he should have confronted you about kissing me. He shouldn’t have been a prideful dick and just let you walk away when his dumbass should have known that there was no way in hell you had any interest in me,” he retorted in annoyance—giving pep talks was not Nick’s forte. “People in love do stupid fucking shit. I mean just look at the rest of you.” He nodded over to Ally who was talking quietly while helping Lila find Spongebob on Netflix.
“I rarely make mistakes,” he continued, stopping as I huffed and eyed him with blatant disbelief. “I rarely make unintentional mistakes, but one of the biggest ones that I have was thinking that snowboarding meant more to Chance than you did. I was wrong.” And it looked like it was killing him to admit it. “I was wrong and I can’t say it wasn’t selfishly motivated. You were the most important thing to him and I fucking needed him because the rest of my life was on an express train to hell. And the next thing I knew, he was going to leave, too.”
“So, you thought I would break up with him?”
“Well, I certainly didn’t think you were going to stick your fucking tongue down my throat.” I winced. “Don’t worry, I don’t fucking remember it.”
“Sorry…”
“Aren’t we all…” He sighed loudly, looking over at his daughter who was laughing at the TV. “I know Chance will be back because now I know what it means to fucking love someone more than your own life, more than your own happiness.” He was talking about Lila and my heart broke all over again for him. “And I see that same look in his eyes when he talks, thinks, smells, sees, breathes you.”
I could only nod. My heart desperately wanting to believe him. My body trying to suffocate out the hope with tears, unwilling to be shattered by his loss again.
He gave me a hard stare and for a second, I wondered if it was only Lila that he’d been talking about. But, it had to have been because Nick Frost changed women more frequently than he changed underwear.
And then he was gone, back over to his daughter’s side.
‘I’m fucking leaving you. I never should have come back to you.’
The words that I’d heard rushed back to me and I shot up with a gasp. Dragging in air in massive gulps. A nightmare. Except it had also been yesterday’s reality.
I pushed myself up, watching a snowfall of tissue fly off the bed and onto the floor. Great, I groaned, picking up my phone. I scrolled past the five messages from Ally to get to my alarm that was set to go off in five minutes.
Of all the days, today was the one that I had told Dr. Lev I would help him with those physicals.
My heart stopped at the top of the stairs and I blinked twice, wondering if I was still in my dream. Was I walking into a scene from Inception? Where was the spinning top when I needed it? I bit into my lower lip as though that was an acceptable substitute test for reality.
Yup, he was still here.
And I wanted to cry all over again. Why was he here? Did he not take enough skin off of me yesterday?
I shook my head trying to stop the argument going on inside. I needed to go to work. I had a job to do.
And then his eyes flicked open, finding me immediately. Cautiously, I made my way down the staircase. When I reached the bottom, he was in front of me—every last hard, hot, heart-breaker inch of him.
“Jessa…” he rasped and it was like tiny little grains of sand being rubbed all over my body. My breath caught.
Whatever he was here for, whatever last part of me he thought he still had left to break, it was going to have to wait.
Holding up my hand, I murmured, “Chance, I can’t—“
“I’m sorry,” he blurted out, grabbing my hand and pulling it to his mouth.
I wanted to yank it back. I should have wanted to yank it away from the lips that ripped my heart from my chest. But those same lips that were kissing my palm had just apologized and my traitorous hand instead wanted to clasp around the source of those words and hold on for dear life.
“I-I have to go to work.” I was an emotional wreck. I didn’t know up from down, let alone hurt from hope.
His eyes flashed. The blue was so full, like a dam about to overflow.
“I need you to know I’m sorry for how I… handled the situation yesterday. I fucked up, J-bird. I’m fucked up…” My lower lip quivered and I felt one slippery tear squeak out of my eye. A strong, warm finger was there immediately to catch it. “I’m sorry,” he said with a heavy sigh. “Would you let me take you to work? It’s still snowing…”
No. Just say ‘No, thank—‘
“Ok.” Dammit.
If I wasn’t hurting so badly, the way he rushed to grab his jacket and keys would have been adorable, since I was all ready to walk out the door. He walked behind me to the passenger side and opened the door for me.
We made it down the driveway before he spoke again.
“Jessa—“
“Chance, I don’t know if I can do this,” I interrupted him. “I should have told you sooner. I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. You have to know that I tried to tell you… all those years ago. I called you, b-but some girl answered. And—” I broke off, unsure
why I was even telling him this now, but by the look on his face, a vague crumble of a memory was coming back to him. “It doesn’t matter. After yesterday, I can’t help but think that this was all wrong. We should have left us in the past.” My throat clogged with tears.
“Jessa.” His knuckles were white on the steering wheel. He hated what I’d said almost as much as I did. “Don’t do this. I’m sorry for being a fucking asshole yesterday. Yeah, you should have told me. Yeah, I was in fucking shock being blindsided by your breakdown and then Ally’s rant, but that’s no excuse for how I acted.”
I wanted to stop him because I didn’t want to hear the words that would so easily be able to change my mind so that it would fall in line with my heart.
My heart that was on a string; like a yo-yo, it would always come when he called.
We pulled into the parking lot of the clinic and Chance reluctantly put the car in park; he’d pulled into a space right in front of the main window. I could already see the mass of people inside the gym.
“I have to go in.” I hazarded a glance through the thick tension between us.
“Fuck…” His hand lightly smacked the top of the steering wheel. “I need you, J-bird. I fucking need you.”
And all I could think to say was, “I can’t be late.”
I slammed the door shut, knowing full-well that I’d left my heart sitting in the front seat of that car. I tried to figure out what I was running from. The past, pain, the chance that this wasn’t real, or that it wouldn’t last… all things that came to my mind.
“Hey, Jessa!” Kyle greeted me with a smile that was far too big for this early in the morning on a Saturday. It looked like Dr. Lev had called in back-up since both Kyle and Monroe were there, along with two nurses.
Fantastic.
I was sure she was enjoying the giant raccoon eyes that I had from the potent cocktail of crying and sleeplessness that I’d imbibed last night. I was also sure that she’d seen who’d brought me to work today given the death-glare she was currently leveling me with.
I greeted Kyle quietly and followed his lead. There were about thirty high school athletes here that we needed to check. But, in what seemed like an assembly-line fashion, the gym had been transformed into stations to make everything move quickly and efficiently.
Shaky hands picked up my iPad from the table, searching for the first name on the list. When I looked up, I started. Chance was still in the parking lot. In his jeep. Staring at me through the window.
“Jacob Arthur?” The kid in front of me nodded. I went through the motions, ticked off the appropriate boxes, measured all the necessary rates and sizes, all the while thinking about the man who still wasn’t leaving the parking lot.
The man who still wasn’t leaving me.
Truly, I didn’t blame him for his reaction. I’d been stunned when I’d found out about the pregnancy and shattered when I realized that I’d lost it. To have to find that out… in the way that he did… I’m surprised that something wasn’t broken or someone wasn’t punched.
“Cory Phillips?” Measure. Record. Repeat.
I thought of the first day in the clinic with Chance. By the pool. Anger and revenge seeped so caustically from every pore in his body that I’m surprised it didn’t melt away the floor.
The man on the mountain yesterday was nothing like that Chance.
He was still unsure of his exact potential—but aren’t we all? At least he was no longer defiantly fighting it.
Every word he said to me itched like a new tattoo. I had to keep revisiting them—I had to keep scratching them. I couldn’t stop myself. The feelings they evoked were inked into my soul and no matter how hard I tried, there was no getting them back out. There was no erasing him from my heart.
Still, he waited.
The minutes ticked by. After each patient, I looked up and expected to see him gone. But he stayed.
I spun at a soft touch on my shoulder.
“Miss Betty?” I looked at her in confusion. “What are you doing here?”
“Well, ‘hello’ to you, too,” she jeered.
“Sorry.” I shook my head.
“That’s ok, dear. I just stopped in to pick up a copy of my records. But I saw you so I thought I’d pop over and say hello.” Her gaze strayed to Kyle.
“Yes, I can see that saying hello to me is really what’s on your mind.”
“A girl can look. You know, my daughter got me an iPhone for Christmas. Does Mr. Masters have an ahh… insta… instacracker?”
“A what?” Both my eyebrows raised.
“Oh dear, did I not say it right? I always forget the name. There’s Facebook. But what’s the other one with all the photos?”
“Instagram?”
“That’s it! Oh my.” She chuckled. “It makes me think of graham crackers and then…” she trailed off.
“I’m really not sure. You’ll have to ask him.”
She huffed. “Fine. Also, you should know that I was upset about losing that ten dollars to my bridge club, but now, thanks to you, I won it back on top of an additional fifty!”
“Oh, no. What part of my life did you bet on now?” I grumbled, putting my hand up to my forehead.
“That part.” She nodded out the window to where Chance was still sitting in his Jeep.
“Why?” I asked softly. Based on our track record, I wasn’t sure betting on us was a smart move.
“Because true love is always a safe bet, dear.” A sob rose in my throat. She patted my arm with a smile. “That and a nice ass.” I covered my mouth so that I wouldn’t laugh. And in an instant, Betty was darting away from me to go talk to Kyle who’d just finished with his patient. Sometimes, I wondered just how much she needed PT… that woman had no problem moving when she wanted to…
I wasn’t sure whether to be grateful for her insta-wisdom or offended for how quickly it was superseded by a personal trainer in tight gym shorts.
The minutes ticked on.
Three and a half hours later, I thanked my last patient and began to type up my last set of notes. This time, when I looked up, I saw the Jeep, but my eye caught because Chance was no longer sitting inside of it.
Confusion swept over me. Where had he gone?
I looked around. Monroe was talking to Kyle again—I guess he must be her next target since she probably wouldn’t be seeing Chance again.
I still had no answers.
Love is a safe bet.
A shudder moved through me. And then came the itch.
The itch to feel for him. To give in. No matter what happened—or what would happen.
The itch to give in to the now. To this moment. With him.
“Jessa.” My head jerked up to see my itch standing right in front of me. When had he come in?
Kyle and Monroe were staring at us. I even felt Dr. Lev’s gaze flick to us standing in the middle of the gym.
“What are you doing?”
“Making you mine.” My heart dropped into my stomach as he dropped to his knees.
“Chance—“ I furiously shook my head. What was happening? What was he doing?”
Firm, warm fingers gripped mine. “Just breathe, J-bird. I’m not proposing to you.”
Air rushed back into my lungs and the darkness that began to cloud my vision started to dissipate.
“Jessa Madison, I fucking love you.” Strong and resonating, it wasn’t a confession; it was a promise.
My vision tunneled in on him. His eyes the clearest I’d ever seen them. My heart racing inside of my chest—racing towards whatever he was going to say next.
“I love you and I won’t live without you. All this time and space that’s been between us; it was wrong. Our future is our history.”
“I don’t know how to begin again, Chance. Where do we even start? Where do we go from here?”
“Right now. Right here is where we start, baby girl, because we’ve come so far.” His fingers rubbed over mine, rubbing the words into the very center of my soul
—and that itch began to soften. “Since you left, I’ve been a shell—one that I’ve tried to fill up with every goddamn thing that I could think of and when it was all taken away, I was so fucking angry because all it did was remind me that none of it was real to begin with—not without you.”
I didn’t think I had it in me after last night. But maybe happy tears come from a different well than the sad ones because they streamed down my face eagerly and without pause. I choked trying not to sob, forgetting that we had an audience.
“I don’t know what comes next, J-bird, but I know it’s going to fucking shine. I know it’s going to be better and brighter than everything that we left behind.”
“Chance…” My heart gurgled up his name, overflowing with hope and love at words that I’d never dreamt would be a reality.
He pressed my palm to his mouth and when he kissed it, I felt the touch of his lips straight on the beat of my heart.
“I was so fucking lost, J-bird. But you found me. And I know things have happened… things have changed…” His fingers tightened their hold and I swore that even though I was looking at my gorgeous ghost, all I could see was the only thing I’d ever need. “I should have told you sooner. I should have been on my knees before you and damn my pride eight years ago to tell you this. But I swear to you, Jessa, our love is still the same.”
I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I tugged one hand to my face to suppress a sob. A distant echo of a door slamming shut in the background flitted through my mind. I had a feeling it was Monroe storming out of the room.
“So, no, I’m not proposing—not yet.” Shiver. “But, I am on my knees because I’d rather be loved than stay proud. Take this chance on me. It’s going to be one helluva ride, J-bird, I can promise you that, but I also promise to love you through every fucking up and down that there is. Please… forgive me.”
God, he was begging. He didn’t need to beg. I’d forgiven him the second I walked downstairs to him asleep in the chair.
I wished my hand were bigger to cover and wipe away all the tears from my face.
“Can you stand up?” I asked weakly.
He paused and then rose in front of me, his hands taking over mine, cupping my face and drying my tears.
Enjoy the Ride (Winter Games Book 3) Page 33
