Chapter 8
I didn’t sleep well for the next few nights. How could I? I kept replaying the conversation in my head over and over again. Was it over between us? How did I let it happen? Why didn’t tell him I was wrong, that I could deal with long distance dating? But it would have been a lie. A bold-faced lie. I didn’t know how to deal–with any of it.
I checked my phone and re-read the one text message sent to me at three o’clock in the morning from over three days ago. “Finn, I need time to think. I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk.” That was all he wrote. I was going crazy. We used to talk everyday. I knew something was seriously wrong. The look on his face when he left the other night said it all.
I pathetically looked at my phone again for the billionth time. No matter how many times I checked it, there wasn’t another text or call from him. I don’t know why I tortured myself that way. I lay in bed for what felt like the longest time. I’d had a long day at the diner and with the lack of sleep I’d gotten, standing on my feet all day wore me out. I thought working would get my mind off things, but it didn’t. It made it worse. Every time I looked in the kitchen, I thought of Jesse. I didn’t tell Meg or Hannah what had happened between Jesse and me because I wasn’t even sure what had happened.
Their voices carried upstairs to my room, interrupting my meditative state. It was him. He had come! A surge of energy came over me and I sprang up out of bed and ran to the bathroom, looking into the mirror, checking my appearance. Ugh. Hideous.
I combed my hair and pulled it into a pony tail. I splashed cold water on my face and checked my reflection again. Pale. There wasn’t much I could do to help that. I pinched my cheeks. They turned red for a second and then went back to their natural state: whiter than white. I walked into my bedroom and rummaged through my dresser drawer pulling out a teal green long sleeved shirt and dark denim jeans. I tore off my spaghetti stained sweat shirt and ugly sweat pants and put the shirt and jeans on. My dad’s sweater was draped around my chair. I snatched it and put it on over the shirt. I was all set with one exception - the pink fuzzy socks that covered my feet. Not a good look. I grabbed my brown furry boots and put them on over the socks. Just as I was about to walk out of my room, I heard a knock on my door.
“Finn,” Nana said from the other side of the door.
“Come in.”
“Jesse is here to see you.” She looked at me and frowned. “My goodness, you look as tired as Jesse.” That was her way of saying that I looked awful. Who was I fooling? A better outfit couldn’t help me.
“I haven’t been getting much sleep.”
“I guess he hasn’t either,” she said. I began to walk past her, but she stopped me. “I don’t know what’s going on between you two. It’s none of my business. But it’d be a shame if things ended.”
I didn’t give her a response. I walked down the stairs and saw him standing by the front door. He did look tired. But he still looked good. How could someone so tired still look so handsome? He was dressed up, too. I had never seen him in clothes like that before–black pants, a light blue button up shirt and a tie. A tie. Jesse never wore a tie.
“Can we go somewhere to talk?” he asked.
“Okay,” I answered.
We walked outside and got into his car. It was warm and smelled musky, like him. He turned the ignition and moved the vents so they were all facing me. The hot air blew on me. As he drove up and down the hills, nothing was said. Silence. Absolute silence. No music, no conversation, nothing. It was excruciating. I could hear rocks and other things on the road hitting the car and the swoosh of the tires hitting the concrete pavement and other cars passing us by. I had no idea where we were headed.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“I don’t know.” He sighed and hit the steering wheel with the palm of his hand.
I flinched and then recovered. “Well find a place, Jesse. We can’t drive around like this all night,” I said curtly. Why was I so mad?
“Fine,” he said through clenched teeth. He swerved the car off to the side of the road, his blinker clicking constantly, the heat was still blowing on me. He rubbed his hands against his face– the thing he did when he was stressed. “I got the job in North Carolina. That’s where I was earlier this morning.” He wasn’t looking at me. He was just staring at the windshield, at the infinite nothing in front of him.
“You... did?” I shifted so I was facing him.
“Yeah.” He turned his head in my direction. “I start in two weeks.” His expression was serious.
“That was fast,” I said. “I’m glad you got a job, Jesse,” I added quietly.
“I did a lot of thinking,” he began.
“Me, too,” I interrupted. “I’m thinking of holding off going to Harrison and will go to South Carolina State next fall instead. It’s close and won’t cost much. We wouldn’t be that far away from each other. That way, we could still date.” It was something I had thought about the minute he left the other night. It seemed like the only way we could stay together, that we could make things be the same. I didn’t want any of it to change.
He looked down, his lips turned down. “You’re not gonna give up on a school like Harrison for me, Finn.”
“I’m not doing it just for you, Jesse,” I lied. “I’ll be closer to my dad and grandparents and I can stay in town and help my grandfather. It’s for the best.” I felt like I was trying to convince myself more than him.
He sighed heavily. “It’s wrong, Finn, and I won’t let you do it. They’re offering you a full scholarship. That’s an opportunity you don’t give up on, no matter what.” He said, “I’ve been thinking about our conversation the other night, about what you said and you’re right.” He looked into my eyes searching for a reaction. I gave him a confused expression. What did he mean? “We’re going to be in two different places. You’ll be starting school; I’m starting my career. It’ll be hard for us to date, and I don’t want you to feel like you have to sacrifice anything just because you feel tied to me.”
“Jesse, what are you saying?” The tears began to form. My eyes were full of water. He was making it real–all too real. “I can stay here and go to school.” I was desperate.
“No, you can’t, Finn. Not for me. I’d hate myself too much if you did. It’s not what you want anyway. You can’t make that kind of sacrifice. You’d resent me and regret that decision in the long run.” He touched my face with the palm of his hand. His eyes were starting to water. “You need to live this part of your life without me standing in the way.” He removed his hand from my face.
“You’re breaking up with me?” I asked loudly.
“I love you, Finn. But I’m not going to hold you back. I can’t make you be with me. The other night, you made things clear.”
“Jesse, you’re wrong. I love you,” my voice broke through tears.
“I know you do, Finn. But I can see we’re in two different places right now. I know what I want. I’m willing to commit to you completely. I can’t ask you to do the same if you’re not ready to; if you aren’t sure of what it is you want.”
The tears kept falling. They wouldn’t stop. “Why would you say that?” I asked sobbing. I hated that I was crying so uncontrollably, but hearing him say that, seeing him say it, broke my heart in two.
“Don’t deny it, Finn.” He breathed an uneven deep breath. I could see water in his eyes but there were no tears. How was he able to stay so controlled, so calm? “When you’re one hundred percent sure you can do this, let me know. I’ll wait for you, Finn. But we can’t stay together if you have doubts.”
“Jesse,” I started. He placed his finger to my lips and slowly moved it down to my chin and then finally away from my face. He pulled me toward him and held me tight. My face was pressed against his chest. I could feel the thump of his heart beat.
And then he released his hold of me and let me go. Like that. In the blink of an eye our relationship had ended.
He started the car and drove back to my grandparents’ house. I was too upset to say anything, to do anything. I wanted it to be a horrible nightmare that I would suddenly wake up from. But it wasn’t. It was real.
***
Christmas came and went. It should have been a happy time for me since it was the first Christmas I had spent with my dad and grandparents in a long, long time. I tried to fake it, to act happy, but they knew. Anyone within proximity to me could see that I was just... there. It’s like my soul had left my body and the shell was left with no inner core. I tried to enjoy spending the holiday with them as much as I could, but my heart was aching.
The week passed quickly. I don’t remember what happened. It was all a blur: one big terrible blur. I wanted to get out of Graceville–to get away from him. I couldn’t bear to work with him on his last Saturday in the diner. It would have been too much to see him again. I knew I wouldn’t be able to deal with it. How did anyone ever get over a break up? How did they get out of bed and face the morning and talk to people? How did they ever do anything again? Every single thing I did reminded me of him–the dumbest, most obscure things–like the smell of maple syrup, the taste of vanilla wafers, or the sounds of my grandparents’ wind chime blowing from the wintery breeze. It didn’t matter what it was, I saw him in everything.
My Nana helped me pack the last of my things into my suitcases. The room was empty of all my belongings and felt so cold. The poor insulation in their old windows allowed the outside air to creep in. But that wasn’t the reason it was so cold. There wasn’t life in this room anymore.
She jerked on the zipper and pushed her hand down on the suitcase so it would zip. “My goodness, Finn. You’ve got a lot of stuff in here,” she said.
“I’m taking everything with me,” I said. Everything but my heart, I thought.
“It’ll be good for you to spend some time with your mom before you go to school.” She wrapped her arm around me.
“Yeah,” I murmured. “It will.”
“Let’s go downstairs and have some supper. Your dad is here. Hannah and Meg are coming over, too.”
She took one of my suitcases and lugged it with her down the wooden stair case. I grasped onto the other one, took one last look at the room– a room that had become mine and felt like home–and closed the door behind me.
We placed the suitcases at the bottom of the staircase. My grandfather was sitting in the living room talking to my dad. Meg and Hannah hadn’t arrived yet. “I filled up your car,” my grandfather said. “Checked under the hood. Everything seems to be okay.”
“Thank you,” I said. That was his way of saying he loved me. He was more about acts of service than anything else. I sat down on the couch next to my dad.
“Put air in your tires, too,” Grandpa added.
“The drive down there should be fine. You won’t have to worry about snow,” my dad said.
“Just be careful,” my grandfather warned. “There’s a lot of crazy drivers down there.”
“I will.” I wasn’t in the mood to be around people–to talk to anyone–and I felt bad for that. They were trying to spend my last night in Graceville with me, and I was being so taciturn.
The doorbell chimed constantly. Whoever was pushing it was purposely hitting it several times. “That must be Meg,” I said.
“Cut it out!” my grandfather hollered.
I got up to let them in. Meg was laughing; Hannah was not. “I told her to stop,” Hannah said apologetically.
I shrugged. “It’s okay.” My disposition was still gloomy. I had become one of those people that people avoided for fear that their depressive, no-fun attitude would rub off on them.
“She’ll be super fun to be around tonight,” Meg whispered to Hannah, but I heard her anyway. Hannah hit her on the arm and gave her the “be quiet” look.
They followed me inside. “Should’ve known that was you, Meg.” My grandfather scowled at her.
“You love me, admit it,” she teased. He picked up his newspaper and started reading. She shrugged. “After we eat, we’re taking you out,” she said to me.
I shook my head. “That’s okay. I need to get some sleep before my long drive tomorrow.”
“Please,” she scoffed. “You’re young. You can handle staying out a little past your bed time, Finn.” She pinched my cheek and smiled. I rolled my eyes at her.
“Dinner’s ready,” Nana called from the kitchen, and everyone headed to the dining room.
***
We finished eating dinner. Nana had gone overboard: roasted chicken, rice, salad, rolls, and of course cherry pie. It was strange sitting around the dinner table without Jesse there. He had always been there. Anytime we had a celebration, he was there sitting right beside me. Looking to my right, seeing the chair empty, was a physical reminder that he was gone.
It was after eight o’clock. I didn’t want to go out but knew I had no choice in the matter. Meg and Hannah weren’t willing to budge. They insisted that we go out on my last night in Graceville.
I gave my dad a tight hug goodbye. The way he held me all snug and secure made me start crying. The emotion of it all got to me. “Don’t cry.” He patted me on the arm. I could tell he was feeling uncomfortable with me sobbing in front of him. He was the type to feel awkward around any display of sadness. He had seen enough in his life. I guess he wanted to forget it existed in the world. “We’ll see each other soon enough,” he said.
His time frame and mine were entirely different. What was soon to him was a long time away for me. I wasn’t planning to travel back to Graceville until my summer break. That was six months away. And I wasn’t even sure if I would be ready to go back then.
My grandparents offered to drive my dad home so Meg and Hannah could take me out. Hannah and Meg knew that we couldn’t go to Matt’s house. Jesse was still staying there for another week. They knew we had broken up but hadn’t pried. I don’t know what details they knew about the break up. Chances were that Matt and Jesse had talked–which meant that Matt and Hannah had talked. That’s how Jesse and I used to be. We’d share everything, so I assumed that Matt and Hannah were the same way. But neither of them asked me about it, and I was appreciative of that.
I sat in the back of Hannah’s car, which was oddly immaculate. It was never clean. She and Meg shared the car and Meg was a complete slob. “The car is clean,” I said. There wasn’t a candy wrapper, soda can, or text book in sight.
“We’re not sharing cars anymore. I’m driving my dad’s old car, Finn,” Meg said. “So the first thing ‘Miss Neat Freak’ did was clean it.”
“I had to do more than clean it, Meg. You left a trail of scum that a blow torch couldn’t get rid of,” Hannah said to her.
“Whatever,” Meg said.
I interrupted them before the fight escalated. “Where are we going?”
“Bowling,” they answered in unison.
“Oh,” I sounded disappointed.
“Sorry, Finn. There’s not a lot of places to go in Graceville, and I knew you wouldn’t want to hang at Matt’s house,” Hannah said, looking at me through her rear view mirror.
“Bowling is fine,” I lied and stared out the window. She turned the radio on. A fast paced pop song played. The upbeat tempo didn’t lift my spirits. Just thinking about being at the bowling alley brought back memories. Everything reminded me of Jesse. I wondered when it would stop hurting so much.
***
You Bowl Me Over was bustling with throngs of people: parents taking their small children out for a family night; couples on a date; friends passing the hours away. Every time I went there, it was always like that. Since it was the only bowling alley in town and it had a res
taurant and bar, most everyone in town went there. On that night, I didn’t want to be there. It was just another place that reminded me of Jesse.
“Let’s get a lane,” Hannah said.
We followed her to the counter, paid our fees, got our shoes and found our lane. I sat on one of the chairs and took off my shoes, replacing them with the hideously ugly, stinky bowling shoes.
“You wanna go first, Finn?” Meg asked me.
“You go ahead.”
She grabbed her ball and rolled it down the alley. “Spare!” she shouted.
“I’m getting a drink.” I got up and walked to the concession stand. The pimply faced, chubby guy working behind the counter asked me what I wanted. He poured my Coke into a large cup and took the cash I handed him. I put the change in my pocket and stood over to the side of the concession stand sucking on my straw, inhaling the Coke like it was my last.
And looking around, the familiarity of it, consumed me. My chest was caving in. I couldn’t catch my breath; my hands were shaking. I had to get it out of there. I spun around, facing the other direction and hastily walked toward the front door, but was abruptly stopped by Hank, Jesse’s dad.
He was drunk. He could barely stand on his own two feet and was about to fall over. “I saw you standin’ o’er here,” he slurred. I held my breath–to keep calm and from the stench. He smelled foul, like rotten eggs and whiskey. And he looked bad–the worst I had ever seen.
“I was just about to leave,” I said, which was true. I was heading outside away from this all too familiar place.
“Jesse won’t talk to me.”
“I’m sorry,” I snapped.
He put his hands on my shoulders and gripped a little harder than he should. “Make him, Finn,” he said and a strange look of desperation showed in his drunken eyes.
“I can’t make him do anything.” I wanted to get out of there immediately. I took a step back and said, “I really have to go.”
The Year I Almost Drowned Page 9
