“You didn’t even try. You just gave up–like that.” I snapped my fingers. “How long are you going to live your life this way? I know you were sick, Dad. But you’re managing now. You can’t keep using it as an excuse. There are lots of people who have bipolar disorder and have full-time jobs, and they’re doing fine.” I had done my research the moment I discovered he was alive and learned he had bipolar disorder. He put his head down again and didn’t look at me. He was ashamed.
“I’m sorry,” he responded.
“So this is the way it’s going to be? You’re going to walk through your life allowing everyone else to take care of you. Well, I can’t, Dad. What are you going to do when Nana dies?”
“Finn,” he said quietly, desperately.
“It’s true. When she dies, you’ll be on your own because I won’t take care of you like she has. I need you to be my dad. I’ve tried to form a father-daughter relationship with you. It’s what I needed, what I wanted. But it’s been me taking care of you, like I’m your parent. I won’t do that anymore.” I paused for a moment. “Grandpa was more of a father to me than you are. I wish he were still alive,” I spit out. Instantly, I felt a pang of guilt, but I was so angry and so hurt. He was leaving me again, like it was no big deal, like I didn’t matter, just like before.
He gave a pained expression and stayed silent. How could he respond to that? There was an underlying meaning–I wished Grandpa was alive instead of him. He knew what I was saying without saying it. I felt terrible for having that feeling, but I needed a father and Grandpa was all that I had ever had.
“You let me down, Dad,” I said, trying to hold back the tears, to not taste the bitter disappointment. “I have to go. I have work to do. You can sit here all day for all I care.” I stormed off back toward the diner.
I wiped my eyes before I opened the door. I needed to get myself together for the rest of the day. I tried to find some normalcy, some equal footing, after that chaotic episode. I called out the rest of the orders to Jesse, to help him get caught up. Plate by plate was delivered to each and every customer. Not one customer was without food. And that was how things went from breakfast to lunch. Jesse stayed in the kitchen taking each ticket, cooking each meal, and making sure every customer was fully satisfied.
It was finally closing time. I had never been so happy to put that closed sign on the door. Hannah refilled ketchup bottles; I counted out the cash register; Jesse was cleaning up in the kitchen; a soft, old melody played on the juke box. The last of the customers had trailed out of the diner, leaving just the three of us to finish things up for the day.
Hannah finished with the ketchup bottles and started to mop the dirty, scuffed floor. After I placed the cash and credit card receipts in the safe, I went into the kitchen to talk to Jesse. My heart beat frantically. I don’t know why I was so nervous, but I was.
“Thank you,” I said to him.
He stopped scouring the grill and smiled at me. I think my heart dropped to my stomach when he did. His smile always made me feel that way, but on a day like this, it was a double whammy. “You’re welcome. I’m off tomorrow. I could come in again,” he said.
“No. You’ve done enough.”
He shrugged. “It’s not a big deal. It was fun today,” he said. “Like old times.”
Like “old times” with my grandfather, or “old times” with me, I wondered? Yearning for the past is an unhealthy way to live, but I really wanted to rekindle that part of my life–for plenty of reasons.
“I’m hoping I can get my dad to come around.” I had no idea when that would be: months, years, decades.
“I don’t mind, Finn,” he said and began to scrub the grill again. I could see the definition in his muscles as he moved his arms back and forth. Being a firefighter had made him ripped.
“Okay,” I agreed. If he wanted to come in, then I would let him. “But you get paid for this,” I added.
He quit scrubbing and said while looking into my eyes, “Whatever you want, Finn.”
“That’s what I want,” I said and so much more, but I didn’t say that. I blew my bangs out of my face, a few strands still fell in front of my eyes.
He pushed the loose strands behind my ear. Right there and then it felt like we were a couple, like the break up never happened. It was the way he looked at me, the shortness in both of our breaths, the sheer magnitude–all of it. But then, his expression changed, like he realized what he was doing and the moment disappeared within a blink of an eye. I almost wondered if I had imagined it.
“Agreed.” He smiled and started to scrub again.
I left him to finish cleaning and went to the front to close the blinds and help Hannah finish up. A police car pulled up, and Everett stepped out. “Hannah. Everett’s here.”
He knocked on the door. I opened it and he came inside. “Hey, Finn.” I had only seen him once since I had been back in Graceville and that was at the funeral. He was the police officer that escorted us to the cemetery.
“Hi, Everett. Can I get you something?”
“Coffee would be good. I’ve got a long shift tonight,” he said.
“Hey cuz.” Hannah swatted him with her wet wash cloth.
He brushed his shoulder and said, “Not the uniform.”
“Such a baby,” she teased.
He sat down at the counter. I poured the hot liquid into a large Styrofoam cup and put a lid on it. “Here you go,” I said. He fumbled through his pocket searching for some change. “It’s on the house.”
“At least let me give you a tip,” he said, handing me several one dollar bills.
“That’s too much.” I handed some of them back to him.
His hand touched mine. “Just keep the bills, Finn.”
“I’ll take them if she won’t,” Hannah interrupted.
We both laughed and then got quiet. “So, are you holding up okay?” he asked me.
“Yeah.” I breathed. “I’m good. Thanks for asking.”
“Is the diner doing something for the Movie in the Park night?” he asked.
“What ‘Movie in the Park’?” I asked.
“They’re showing one of those old 80’s summer flicks. People sprawl out on the lawn, watch a movie, drink, eat, hang out. It’ll be fun. I’m on duty for it.”
“When is it?”
“In a couple of weeks.” He sipped his coffee. “Black.” He smiled. “You remembered.”
“I remembered your bad taste,” I teased.
“Oh come on. My taste isn’t so bad. I can recognize beauty when I see it.”
Okay, he was definitely flirting with me. Sidney would probably say he was coming on to me. My radar for this type of things was usually poor, but not this time.
My face turned a slight shade of red. “I need to get my Nana to make some of her pies. There’s no way we can lose out on a chance to make all that extra money,” I said more to myself, but it was loud enough for him to hear.
He laughed. “You’re quite the entrepreneur, aren’t you?”
“Huh, no. Just trying to think of ways to make a profit.”
“Like I said... entrepreneur,” he said and smiled. “Thanks for the coffee.” He laid down two one dollar bills. “Here’s the rest of the tip money you wouldn’t take from me.” He got up and walked toward the door. “Bye, Hannah.”
“See ya later, Ev,” she said.
“I guess I’ll see you at the movies,” I said to him.
“It’s a date.” He smiled and walked out the door.
I placed the rest of the tip money in my pocket and turned around, bumping into Jesse. “Sorry,” I said.
“Everything is done in the kitchen. I’m gonna go,” he said.
“Thank you, Jesse. I would’ve drowned today if it weren’t for you,” I said.
&nb
sp; His brows were furrowed. His lips were semi-pursed. “I’ll be here tomorrow,” he said with a tinge of agitation. “Bye, Hannah.” He shoved the door open and left.
“He seemed upset,” I said.
“Probably because he witnessed the whole swoon fest between you and Ev.”
“Swoon fest?” I repeated.
She rolled her eyes. “The flirting, Finn. It was obvious to Jesse and me that you guys were flirting.”
“I wasn’t flirting,” I said defensively.
“Um, yeah, you were,” she said tersely. “Next time, do it when he’s not around. The guy worked a twenty-four hour shift and just worked another eight hours for you. And how do you thank him? You flirt with my cousin.”
I had no idea that Jesse had worked such a long shift and then topped another eight hours onto his day. But I didn’t ask him. I just let him work without question. I selfishly allowed him to save me because I was too afraid of failure. I folded my arms against my chest and said in a defensive tone, “I don’t think Jesse cares who I flirt with.”
“For someone with your smarts, you sure are a dummy sometimes.” She huffed.
I frowned. “Ouch,” I replied. “That hurt.”
“Wake up, Finn.” She grabbed her purse and stalked out the door. We had never had words like that; Hannah was rarely angry. But this had made her mad, in fact, she was fuming.
I didn’t understand why she was reacting the way that she was. Jesse and I had broken up. He let me go, not the other way around. He said it was because I had doubts, but what that meant to me was “we’re through.” And now, here he was, sending me mixed signals. Was it to honor my grandfather? Because I was sure it had nothing to do with me.
***
Nana sat on the front porch, her red Keds touching the top step. She was waiting for me and didn’t look happy. More unhappy people, more people mad at me. I slowly approached the steps, standing on the grass. Go ahead and yell at me, I thought.
“Finn,” she said. “We need to talk.”
This was not going to be good. “Okay,” I said, standing a few feet away from her.
“I had to take your father home today. He was a wreck. It was too much for him. I knew this wasn’t going to work.”
What she said really angered me. When did she become so pessimistic and why was she the only one allowed to grieve? That’s what we were all doing, weren’t we, just in different ways? She stopped baking. I was trying to run the diner without an idea of what I was doing. Dad had become even more of a recluse. We were all missing my grandfather, all of us.
“I’m going to sell it to Mike Wyatt. He’s made a decent offer,” she said.
Whoa. That threw me for a loop. I felt like I had been punched in the gut.
“Nana, you can’t sell the diner to him! What are you thinking?” I shouted.
“Excuse me, young lady, but this is my decision.”
“Well, you’re wrong, completely wrong, and Grandpa is turning over in his grave right now!” I yelled.
A look of pain shot across her face. “That’s not fair, Finn.”
“It’s the truth and you know it. You gave me one day and just gave up on me. When did you stop believing in me? I know you’re hurting, but Nana, I am, too.” Tears were starting to fill in my eyes.
“I’m doing the best I can,” she recoiled. “I miss him so much.”
I sat down next to her. “I know you do, Nana. I do, too. Each and every second of each and every single day. He was too young to die.”
“He was, Finn. But his heart was just too weak. I knew it. He knew it.”
“It’s not fair. I wanted more time with him.”
“I hate to use the cliché that life isn’t fair, but it isn’t honey.” She wiped a tear from her eye and continued, “You can’t have life without loss. You can’t have love without sorrow. You have to take the bad with the good, otherwise the good won’t feel as special.” She wrapped her arm around me and brought me closer to her.
“But why?” I asked, even though I knew she didn’t have all of life’s answers.
“I don’t know, honey. I wish I did. All I know is that he loved you and he knew you loved him. That can’t be taken away. You’ll always have that love to cherish.”
“He wouldn’t want you to sell it to Mike Wyatt, and you know it,” I said quietly. I wiped the tears away from my eyes with my arm. It smelled like bacon grease and for some reason, that brought me comfort on this horrible day.
She scratched her head and puckered her lips. A few tears trickled down her face. “You’re right,” she finally said and then took a deep, long breath.
I didn’t respond. I let her dictate where the conversation went next.
“He couldn’t stand Mike, neither can I for that matter.” She twisted her lips into a frown. “He wears too much cologne and always chews gum like a horse.”
I tried to stifle my laugh.
“I guess we can hold out a little while longer and see if we get a better offer.” She patted my hand, her hand was warm and soft. Being close to her, touching her, always brought me comfort. “Did you end up doing the cooking once your dad left?” she asked.
“No. Jesse did.”
“Sweet boy.” She smiled to herself. “That was awfully nice of him.”
“Yeah,” I answered, and she looked at me. “What?” I said to her.
“Nothing. It was nice of him to help out. That’s all.” But there was more to it, and I wasn’t about to have that conversation with her. I knew she was dying to ask but wouldn’t. She hadn’t trespassed into that forbidden discussion. “So, what are we going to do about your dad?” she asked, killing the silence.
“I don’t know. He can’t keep hiding, Nana. That’s what he’s been doing and we’ve allowed it, all of us–you, me, Grandpa. We just let him pass through life.”
“Well... we can’t make him come around. I know he felt bad about what happened today,” she said with a frowned expression. “Give it time, honey. We’ll get it figured out.”
Chapter 16
Jesse still had a key to the diner. I guess he never got rid of it, and Grandpa had never asked for it back. All the lights were on, and he was already inside, prepping in the kitchen. I opened the door and went straight to my grandfather’s office to put my purse up in my locker. I turned on my grandfather’s computer and started entering data into the book keeping program I had downloaded. It made balancing the books simple and easy–not some confusing, conglomerated mess like it used to be.
Music from the kitchen echoed into my grandfather’s compact office. Jesse and his Nina Simone. He had chosen Work Song, one of his favorites to play at the diner. Hearing her voice brought back so many memories. I had shut out all jazz music from my life since he and I had broken up.
I entered the kitchen. He was moving his head and bopping his feet back and forth. “Jesse,” I said.
His subtle dance moves stopped, and he spun around. He looked a little embarrassed. He turned the volume down on the CD player and said, “Hey.”
“Hi,” I said. “Nina Simone again?” I arched my eyebrows.
“Always.” He smiled.
“I just wanted to say thank you for helping out yesterday and for coming in today. Hannah told me you had a long shift yesterday,” I started.
“It’s not a big deal. You looked like you needed help,” he said and shrugged. “You’re running low on a few things.”
“Oh, gosh.” I slapped my forehead. “I didn’t even think about inventory.” I moved to the pantry and opened its door. He followed me. And even though the space was big, it suddenly felt small and confining and not roomy enough for the both of us. I could smell his cologne, the earthy musky scent.
“You need flour.” He pointed to the
last bag of flour on the bottom shelf. He was standing right next to me. “And definitely more pasta for the mac and cheese,” he said, moving his head in the direction to the top shelf.
Jesse and I moved around as well as we could and looked at the shelves, taking a mental note of what was needed immediately and what could wait. “You need sugar, too,” he said. I checked one of the shelves and turned to face another shelf behind me and there was Jesse, within inches of me.
“Sugar,” I repeated, trying keep my voice steady. My palms were clammy and my heart was racing. It was a strange sensation, like the feeling you get when your blood sugar is low and you can’t think straight, but I had eaten plenty for breakfast and knew there was nothing wrong with my glucose level.
“Brown sugar, too,” he said, still close to me, close enough that I could smell his breath, his warm delicious vanilla wafer breath. He peered into my eyes and I thought he was going to lean down and kiss me, but then all of a sudden, he backed away, far off to some invisible safe zone. And just like that then things went back to the way they had been. He put his hand behind his head, ran it through his short hair and searched the room one more time. “You should place these orders this morning so they’ll get here by tomorrow.”
“Okay.” I nodded. “Thank you, Jesse. I mean it, thank you,” I said, looking up at him.
He responded with a smile, and we walked out of the pantry together. Hannah passed by the kitchen and saw us coming out together. She gave me a strange look and then pursed her lips. She was still angry with me, and I didn’t understand why.
“Hi,” I said, coming up to her.
“Hi,” she said briskly.
“We were checking inventory,”I said.
“Great,” she sneered.
I wanted to ask her why she was still mad at me but was afraid of the confrontation. We were within minutes of opening, and I didn’t need another blow up. So, I just ignored her and acted like nothing had happened. I went back to the office and placed the orders.
The Year I Almost Drowned Page 16
