by Shona Husk
‘I was tired of being told how to live. It was never about being a good person, just about restricting what I did and who I saw. I realised that at uni.’
He had the sinking feeling that she wasn’t supposed to be around guys like him. ‘So where does that leave us?’
He’d just used the us word. That meant they were dating.
She looked at him as though she was trying to read his mind. If he couldn’t work out what was going on in his head, she had no chance.
‘You’re about to go away … let’s just hang out.’
There was no us. That should’ve been a relief. He wasn’t after a girlfriend, but he was half naked with his dick hanging out of his pants. It didn’t seem quite right. ‘I’ll be coming back.’
‘I know.’ She rolled onto her side to face him. ‘If I’m not ready to make any promises about the future, then I can’t expect you to.’
She didn’t trust him. As much as that stung, he wouldn’t trust him either … not to the end of the block, certainly not to the other side of the country.
‘So … we’re doing this, without doing this?’ In every sense.
‘Yeah … unless you’d rather not because it’s too odd.’
She wasn’t a girlfriend and she wasn’t a one-night stand and he wasn’t going to have sex with her. It was an absolute mind fuck.
He could hear the little voice in his ear telling him that he could get laid if he went to a bar. He knew how easy it was. Ed had warned them all to pull their heads in after last year’s antics. And he was right. He and Ed had carried on, a lot.
Being with—or not with—her could be fun. Instead of a less than memorable quickie he could do everything but. It was the crazy distraction he needed. ‘We get to come, right?’
Both her eyebrows lifted. ‘I hope so, otherwise what is the point?’
He grinned. ‘What were the rules again, just hands?’
‘Yes.’ A smile formed and she relaxed a little. ‘The last guy I was with wasn’t happy with not having sex.’
‘Obviously he didn’t know what else to do.’ And he was way out of practise. For him this was a chance to play without expectation.
She hooked her leg over his, and he drew her closer. He was going to discover exactly what made her tick so when he got back from over east, she’d want more.
Chapter 11
He’d left his mother a recording of him playing some of her favourite songs on the piano and he’d extracted a promise from Ava to keep him notified of any changes—the doctor would, but Ava’s would be more personal. Mike still felt like he was making a mistake and he wanted to throw up as he got on the plane
‘You okay, man?’ Dan sat next to him and clipped his belt.
‘No.’ His mother had wished him luck, but there was no pretending it wasn’t happening now. Every day there was a little less of her. She was less alert. There was just less. He pulled out his journal. He’d started keeping one last time and, while it had become patchy over the last year, it was filling up again. And not just with his thoughts on death.
Ava was in there too.
He didn’t want to look at those pages while Dan could peer over his shoulder.
He didn’t need to read it when it was fresh in his mind. The way she’d moved beneath him, been all slippery to touch. Tight. He hadn’t slept with a virgin since his first girlfriend and neither of them had known what they were doing.
The not-sex with Ava had been the best he’d had in a while.
And he was heading to the other side of the country.
He should be staying.
To do what? As his mum had said, he couldn’t die for her. And Ava wasn’t his girlfriend. She didn’t want that, because she thought that he couldn’t promise that.
The plane took off with a lurch and it was too late. He’d be back in two weeks. Less than two weeks. Four gigs over two weekends, and he was on the plane home … and flying back to Melbourne to record three days later.
He started scribbling in the notebook. After a while he became aware that Dan was looking. All he’d done was written about fading away. It wasn’t only about his mother, he’d been fading. Last year he’d let too many people take a piece of him without ever giving back. Some of that was his fault and he’d enjoyed it at the time.
Being with Ava was like performing; he could feel the static energy racing over his skin. Electrifying. And he knew how dangerous electricity could be.
Dan took his headphones off. ‘You have too many ideas for one song.’
‘It’s not meant to be a song.’ It was meant to be a distraction so he didn’t freak out during the flight. His edges were too frayed and he was only just keeping it all together.
Dan took the pen out of Mike’s hand. He circled a couple of lines and the measure of music Mike had written in the middle of the page. When he thought of music it was always piano first.
Dan added a couple more lines of what Mike supposed were lyrics. ‘There it is. Chorus, and this bit is the bridge. You need to write some more music and a couple of verses though …’ He handed the pen back.
Mike looked at the page, glad nothing too personal had been there. Dan had, in a few minutes, turned scribbles into something. ‘How do you do that?’
‘Dunno. Maybe I can only hold one idea in my head at a time so it’s really clear. Your head is too messy.’
Dan didn’t know the half of it.
‘Your mum okay?’
Mike shrugged. Fuck it. ‘She’s never going to be okay so can we stop pretending that she’s going to get better. It would really help me if you could stop being precious.’ He gritted his teeth to stop himself from saying more. Dan had never faced a day of hardship in his life. Lisa dumping him was probably the worst thing that had ever happened to him. It was no wonder he didn’t know how to deal with it.
Dan shut the notebook. ‘There is such a thing as thinking too much. Not everything has to be examined in detail.’ He smiled. ‘I’ll buy you a drink and if you want, we can work on the song once we’re on the ground.’
‘Yeah.’ A couple of drinks and he might be able to forget about home for a while.
***
Ava heard the knock and opened up the front door. She stepped back in surprise when she saw her sister. ‘Hi.’
‘Hi. Thought I’d drop in.’
‘You’re lucky I wasn’t at work.’ She’d only been back half an hour. Long enough to shower after riding home, and wish that Mike wasn’t on the other side of the country. She was already missing going for rides with him … and she wished she’d squeezed in another visit to his place. But things had gotten hectic in the last week.
‘I know your shift times.’ Finishing midafternoon meant Ava had the house to herself for a couple of hours. ‘What’s it like being out?’
‘You make it sound like prison.’ She showed her sister through to the living room.
‘Prisoners have more rights.’ Rose dropped onto the sofa. Her handbag slumped on the floor. She unravelled her hair and shook it out. ‘There’s no one else here?’
‘No. Why?’ Now she was worried. ‘What’s happened?’
‘I’m asking you as a nurse.’
‘Oh God.’ What was wrong with her sister?
‘That’s what I was saying too.’ But Rose was scowling, not looking happy. ‘I wasn’t stupid, we used condoms—’
‘You had sex?’
‘Yeah … haven’t you?’
Ava’s cheeks started burning. She shook her head.
‘What? No. But you told me about oral.’
‘That’s as far as I went.’ And she’d gotten that idea from Mel. After all, she was still technically a virgin—fingers didn’t count. She didn’t think they counted. There was no magic tamperproof seal on a woman’s vagina, just a stretchy remnant piece of skin that had somehow been elevated to a level of importance usually reserved for major essential organs. So why did she still have the no access rule? Mike had been willing and able; she’d
been more than ready, grinding against his hand until she’d come.
‘Oh.’ Rose looked away. ‘Well.’ She fiddled with the strap on her handbag.
She was going to clam up and she obviously needed someone to talk to and help her. ‘Was it good?’
‘Not the first time. It does hurt. Then there was the guilt … I’m past that now.’
‘So what happened?’
‘I looked online but that only made me panic more. Can you get an STI even if you use condoms?’
‘They reduce the risk … did he have a cold sore, or did his penis look odd?’
Rose lifted her eyebrows. ‘You have seen a cock, right? They look odd to start with.’
Ava shook her head and sighed. Rose was using that word to bug her. ‘You know what I meant.’
‘I know you still can’t say it.’ Rose gave her a tight grin.
‘This is about you. What are your symptoms?’ Hopefully it wasn’t anything bad. ‘And did he always wear one before getting in … or did you let him get it wet?’
‘Are you sure you haven’t done this?’
Ava nodded.
‘He always wore one. I’m not dumb. I know it only takes one wriggler to get pregnant. God, can you imagine if Grandmother found birth control in my room?’
Unfortunately, Ava could. Despite only having two children herself, she was against birth control. She probably thought her son abstained so as not to end up with more children.
‘Every time I pee it burns. Do I need to see a doctor and make him see one?’
‘It’s probably just a urinary tract infection, caused by all the sudden activity. It is recent?’ Or had Rose been having sex for years while she sat on the shelf, like the good girl she was supposed to be, to catch a worthy husband? What had Grandmother’s parents said when she’d married an Australian man? Had they been happy or railed at her? Grandmother had married for love, felt the sting of failure and was determined to make everyone else suffer.
Rose nodded. ‘Very recent. Okay … so a doctor?’
Ava nodded. ‘‘Fraid so. Go to the uni clinic.’
‘I haven’t seen the family doctor after he told Dad I wanted to go on the pill for heavy periods.’
‘Are you on it?’
‘I’m thinking about it. Just have to work out where to hide it so I don’t forget to take it.’
Her younger sister was getting on with living her life even though she still lived at home. Ava had moved out, but she hadn’t moved on.
Rose looked around the room. ‘What about you? You’re free.’
Ava laughed. She didn’t feel any freer. Her conscience sounded like Grandmother, always there to remind her that she wasn’t doing the right thing. ‘There’s nothing to say.’
‘You didn’t move out because you’re seeing someone?’ Rose frowned.
Is that what they all thought?
‘There’s no one.’ But she wanted there to be someone. She wanted Mike.
But she wasn’t entirely sure that she trusted him, and then there was his mother. She would always be one of the nurses. And while he liked that now, would he like that in six months’ time?
She had no idea.
She’d managed to get to twenty-four and not know how to have a proper relationship that wasn’t either a secret or approved. She didn’t know if she was ready to openly date someone who would not be welcome. What was the alternative?
Do as she was told.
Having her own life meant that she had to own all the responsibility for the successes and failures. It meant accepting any consequences.
Maybe she wasn’t as brave as Rose. In moving out she was just hiding.
Chapter 12
The bartender placed the shot glasses down. Mike looked at Dan. This was the last one … he was pretty sure that the bartender was thinking the same thing. Mike was having a hard time hearing himself think over the music. This was not his scene. But Dan had wanted to hit the clubs while they had a few days off.
Gemma and Ed were here somewhere—not propping up the bar—most likely on the dance floor. Would that start another round of rumours? What were the odds they’d be recognised? The place was small enough that he didn’t feel like he had to be on his best behaviour. He picked up the shot glass and downed whatever Dan had ordered. It burned all the all way then punched him in the stomach for good measure. That was three shots and four beers … or five. He wasn’t sure.
Mike hailed the bartender. ‘Can I get a water?’
‘Getting soft?’ Dan grinned and sipped his beer.
‘Tired.’ He cracked open the water bottle and drank half.
‘You can sleep on the plane tomorrow. Come on. This place is full of girls.’ Dan was like a lion that didn’t know which zebra to chase.
After Lisa, he was making up for lost lays. For some reason, the unspoken arrangement was that Ed and Gemma shared while he shared with Dan. He was fucking sick of it. There was no way he was getting kicked out of the hotel room because Dan was shagging some chick stupid.
He had to get in first. After two months of just his hand he needed something.
There had also been Ava’s hand.
None of the chicks here were close to her.
Ava wasn’t his girlfriend. She’d made that clear. He didn’t want a girlfriend.
He finished the water.
Gemma came over. Her slinky silver top would no doubt attract many eyes. ‘Having fun?’
‘Yeah.’ Maybe he needed another beer. ‘I might need to crash in your room.’
She scanned the floor for Dan. Then shrugged. ‘Fine. You can snuggle with Ed.’
Like fuck.
He should head back now, but that wasn’t the way it worked. First person with a chick got the room. Last year it had been him and Ed … Ed had moved on. Dan was just getting started.
‘Another beer?’ He wasn’t sure the bartender would give it to him, but he smiled at her anyway. She placed a fresh glass in front of him.
Dan was kissing a girl as they danced. But instead of feeling burned that Dan had won and got the room, he was almost relieved. He didn’t want what Dan had … or would be getting.
Mike was done with that. He didn’t want to wake up feeling like week-old leftovers. He wanted to go home and convince Ava that he was worth the trouble.
He checked the time back in Perth. Ava would be coming off the afternoon shift. ‘Give me a key, I’m going back to your room to make a call.’
‘I swear Kirsten isn’t holding a wild party in your absence.’ Gemma and Kirsten had moved in three days before they’d taken off.
He trusted Kirsten. The house would be fine and he no longer had to worry about where the next mortgage repayment was coming from. Things were turning around because he’d had the balls to do something and ask for help.
Gemma handed him her room key. Mike offered her his half-drunk beer in exchange. She accepted with a smile and a swig.
He walked the block back to the hotel and let himself into Gemma’s room. For a moment he just sat on the bed. Now he was here, he wasn’t sure that calling Ava was the right thing to do. He’d had too much to drink.
He should leave it until morning.
But in the morning he wouldn’t be alone and there would be stuff to do. There was always something to do …
He pulled up her name and hit call. What if he was wrong and she wasn’t on afternoons. He was sure he’d noted down her roster right. She’d told him so that he’d know when to call. He’d told her when he was performing and travelling.
On the fourth ring she picked up. ‘You got me just as I pulled in to driveway.’
‘I have great timing.’ It was a bad joke but she laughed anyway.
‘I might stay in the car. The others will be sleeping and I don’t want to wake them up.’
‘Joy of sharing a house.’ He hoped that he hadn’t made a mistake in letting Gemma and Kirsten move in. He’d told his mother and she was happy he was getting the finances sort
ed.
‘Yeah. Still better than living at home.’
‘Mmm.’
‘How’s it going?’
‘Good, I think.’ The concerts had been great. The atmosphere and the crowds. He knew Ed wanted to be more than late afternoon entertainment, but they were still getting up and doing their thing. It gave him a buzz that he badly needed. ‘Had the night off.’
‘I can tell.’
Mike closed his eyes. He must be slurring worse than he thought. ‘Sorry. I just wanted to …’ call her, hear her voice. He missed her.
Damn, this was not supposed to be happening.
‘It’s okay. I can still understand you.’
‘Can we get together when I get home?’
She was quiet for a moment.
‘I wanted to call you instead of picking up.’ Damn it. He wasn’t supposed to say that. ‘I want you, not anyone else.’ Better. ‘I know you have limits and that’s cool.’
‘Slow down.’
Was he going too fast—did she not want to date him because he wasn’t Indian? That thought hadn’t occurred to him sober. Now, as she was backing away on the phone, he wasn’t sure he should’ve called.
‘Maybe this was a mistake.’ The shots seemed to catch up with him and the room became a little too mobile. He flopped onto his back and kept his eyes closed. He’d be fine in a moment.
The room tilted even though his eyes were closed. He had to stop doing shots with Dan.
‘When you talk too fast I can barely understand you.’
Oh, she literally meant he was going too fast. ‘Sorry.’
‘Maybe you should call me in the morning.’
That wasn’t an answer. That was a brush-off. He recognised that drunk or sober. ‘Fine.’
‘Hey.’
‘Yeah?’
‘I’m looking forward to you coming home.’ She sounded so far away.
‘Me too.’ It seemed much further than it was. He’d never been homesick before. But all he wanted right now was to be on the other side of the country. When he got home, the first thing he was going to do was go to the doctor and get tested. He should’ve done it ages ago.
