by Shona Husk
Tonight, neither of them was going anywhere.
That meant they had all night.
Chapter 14
He almost hadn’t got on plane. After being home he didn’t want to leave again. He wanted to spend more time with Ava. But she was working and he had work to do. He’d been at the gate, they’d been doing the last calls, and he’d been standing there wondering what the hell he was doing. His mother was dying and he was leaving her. She’d been happy to see him, but he’d also seen the strain that talking to him had caused. When they’d called his name he’d finally boarded. The hostess had looked at him as though he wasn’t all there. He wasn’t. He was in pieces scattered all over the country. He had no idea what to do, only that he had to do something.
His mother wanted to hear the new album. She’d asked specifically this time, as though she could sense his reluctance. If he didn’t get on the plane he’d be letting everyone down.
Now he was in Melbourne, Mike was sure he shouldn’t have bothered. His head wasn’t in the right place and while no one had said anything, it was only a matter of time until they quit gritting their teeth and exploded.
If he had his bike here, he’d be throwing down his sticks and getting out. Nothing cleared the head like dodging cars. ‘Give me five.’
He walked away before they could say anything.
It wasn’t supposed to be this hard. This was something that he loved doing; he wanted this album done … didn’t he?
He paced up the corridors of the recording studio and raked his hand through his hair. Stalling on the album wouldn’t change anything. He knew that … and yet …
When he turned, Gemma was there.
‘You draw the short straw?’ He walked towards her as there was nowhere else to go and he’d never been big on running from a problem. Ignoring for a while, yeah. He did that frequently, until the truth was in his face and needing to be dealt with.
‘Nah, I don’t trust those two idiots not to make it worse.’
Mike almost managed a smile. Gemma the peacemaker. She could smooth out anything.
‘There is no worse, Gem.’ He leaned against the wall then slid down until he was sitting on the floor.
‘None of us can relate, but we know you’re hurting.’
That was pretty fucking obvious. He closed his eyes. He was not going to fall apart. A couple of slow breaths later he was a little more in control. ‘This is going to sound dumb.’
‘You say dumb shit all the time.’
‘You’re confusing me with Dan.’ It was such a boring normal conversation. Is that how she did it, she made it seem easy instead of hard? ‘Nah, it is dumb.’ He went to stand and get back to it.
She put her hand on his arm. ‘I don’t think anything could be considered dumb at the moment, unless you’re quitting, in which case I’ll have to kick your ass.’
‘I’d like to see you try.’ Gemma was only a little taller than Ava and he was at least twenty kilos heavier.
‘Did I say kick your ass? I meant knee you in the balls.’ She smiled sweetly. ‘You only have to carry out a threat once for it to be effective. Ask my brother Peter.’
He believed her, but he also suspected that Peter had started it. Years ago he’d seen Gemma with bruises up her arms when she’d come around to see Kirsten. Back then three years had been a huge age gap, now it didn’t seem to matter.
‘I’m not quitting. I just … It’s like she’s holding on to hear the new stuff and when it’s done that will be it.’ He knew the two things weren’t connected, but every time he stepped into the studio that was how it felt. Every measure was just a few beats closer to the end.
Gemma was quiet for a moment. She didn’t laugh the way Dan would’ve before telling him to chill. Ed would’ve told his to suck it up, they had a job to do.
‘Maybe you need to give her something to hear. She’s always been there and supported the band. We need to get something done for her.’
‘And once she hears it … what if she gives up?’
Gemma looked at him. ‘It’s happening anyway, Mike. No one can stop it.’
He didn’t want her to die before hearing something. He wouldn’t be able to live knowing that he’d dithered along, trying to prevent the inevitable. He kept breathing even though his ribs were cracking under the strain.
That was what she wanted from him and that was what he could give her. He nodded, the cold of the wall seeping through his shirt and into his back.
‘I know.’ It was one of those things that he really didn’t want to face. Unfortunately, there was no more ignoring or denying it. He had to find a way to face it. The only way he knew how to do that was to throw himself into the music. His throat swelled and he swallowed hard.
He stood. ‘I can do this.’
‘I know you can. You’re not here for your good looks and witty banter.’ She smiled.
He tried, but she didn’t seem to be expecting anything from him except that he do his job. Focus on the job, get something laid down because if he didn’t and his mother died without hearing anything, he’d feel like shit for the rest of his life.
***
Ava sat down next to Irene. Since arriving she’d started look frailer, as if she no longer had to pretend that she was all right. With the pretence dropped there was nothing left to hold on to.
‘Would you like some lunch, Irene?’ Ava had called her Mrs Peterson at first but Irene hadn’t liked that.
Tho older woman opened her eyes. ‘I’m not a baby.’
‘I know. I’m just here to help.’
‘And I resent it as much as I appreciate it.’
‘Let me help you up and we can do it together.’
Irene nodded and Ava helped her sit up. While Irene still had some strength, she was losing her balance and coordination. The tumour was spreading in her brain, taking bits and pieces, and Irene knew it.
‘I’m not that hungry.’
Ava bit back the sigh. ‘That’s just the meds. You need to eat.’
‘To keep up my strength?’ She picked up the cup of water, her hand shaking so badly she almost couldn’t drink from the straw, but her gaze held Ava’s, daring her to challenge that statement.
Ava could see Mike’s determination in there, but he must have got his dark eyes from his father.
‘So he got on the plane?’
Ava nodded. ‘I believe so.’ She hadn’t taken him, but he had texted her from the airport.
Irene sighed. ‘Good.’
‘He wants to be here.’ Not being here was cutting him up. Did Irene realise what it was doing to him?
‘I know. But this.’ She indicated to herself. ‘Isn’t going to stop for him. His life shouldn’t stop for me.’ Irene looked at her again. ‘He’s a good kid … a good man. Tell him to shave that awful beard off.’
Ava laughed. ‘I don’t think he’ll listen to me.’
Irene smiled. ‘We both know he will.’
His mother knew something was going on. That could be awkward … and professionally dangerous. ‘He needed someone to talk to and he didn’t want to see another counsellor.’
‘Mmm. At least he’s talking to someone.’ She concentrated as she stabbed a piece of chicken. ‘If I’d known what was going to happen, I’d have gone home to England twenty years ago.’
Ava watched as Irene took her time to finally eat the small piece of food. At the moment she could still eat and swallow. Hopefully that would continue. Eating was a small pleasure. Mike had left her chocolates to enjoy.
‘He has no family here,’ Irene added to make it clear why she’d have left Australia.
‘I know.’ She knew more than Irene thought she did. She was closer to Mike than she should be … but it didn’t feel wrong.
‘Why did you stay?’
‘I think I expected my husband to come back … after a while I had to admit that he wasn’t … and then I had a job and Michael was at school and we were happy.’ She gave a little shrug. ‘I
don’t regret staying. But I do regret leaving him alone.’
‘He’s not alone. He has friends.’
He had her. Friends were the people you chose to hang around with, not those who happened to share some DNA.
***
The family dinner had started off even cooler than usual. Her absence at church was noted again … so she pointed out the chapel at work and how attending wasn’t as important as how she lived her life.
Her parents had said nothing while Grandmother huffed and puffed as though it was a personal affront. Which it was, as her friends had commented on both of her granddaughters’ behaviour of late. Ava was surprised that Grandmother had any friends, but she held her tongue. All she had to do was get through a couple of hours every week.
It wasn’t really fair that someone like Irene died slowly and too young while people like her grandmother, filled with poison, lived on and made those around them suffer.
‘Were you listening to me?’ Grandmother put down her fork.
Everyone looked at Ava.
Oops. ‘Sorry, I was thinking about a patient. She has a brain tumour. It’s so sad. She must have had a real spark and now …’ Now there wasn’t much left except for the occasional burst of light. All anyone could do was keep her comfortable until she decided to let go. Ava hoped that she held on for Mike to come home.
It had been devastating to watch Mike pull himself together to go back to Melbourne. It was hard to talk to him while he was away, knowing that he wanted to hear good news but having nothing to tell him. There was no good news and she’d gotten far too close over the last couple of months.
‘Have you thought about working somewhere less depressing?’ Rose offered.
She had. Many times. And yet making sure people had care at the end and they didn’t suffer was important. The patients and families needed her.
There were no surprises in the hospice. No sudden deaths. A rotation in the neonatal unit when a baby had died had left her questioning her career choice before she’d even finished. Her parents had pressured her to become a doctor instead of a nurse, which had only fuelled her determination to have her own career, not something that they approved off.
‘It’s not always depressing, and I get to meet some interesting people.’ Patients and family. She also got to meet some horrible people, but then every family seemed to have at least one.
‘It’s the kind of job not many could do.’ Her mother smiled, but Ava knew she shared a similar opinion to Rose. However, nothing would put Ava to sleep faster than drawing buildings all day, like Rose did. Her father had been impressed that Rose was following in his footsteps.
Grandmother coughed. For a few minutes she hadn’t been the centre of attention. ‘And I suppose you were just doing your job when you went to that fancy restaurant at the casino for dinner with that Australian man?’
Ava almost choked on her chicken. Someone had seen her and Mike that night. What could she say? She decided to go with the truth. ‘He’s the son of a patient. He works away.’ That wasn’t quite the truth, but never mind. ‘We have been seeing each other for a few weeks.’
‘I knew you were moving out to be with some man. You are a disgrace to this family.’ Grandmother clutched at her chest. ‘After everything I have done to find you a good Indian man!’
Ava glanced at Rose. Rose rolled her eyes and kept eating, no doubt in a rush to excuse herself.
‘I don’t need, nor did I ever ask for, your help.’ She wasn’t going to drag Mike into this.
‘Ava, don’t be rude,’ her father said.
Ava looked at him. Of course he was going to defend his mother. In his eyes she could do no wrong. She ran this house as though it were her castle.
‘You cannot marry an Australian man.’ Grandmother lectured. ‘Mixed marriages never last. They fail because Australian men don’t respect their vows. The few that do last produce wilful, wild children like you.’
No one said anything. It was clear that Ava was expected to bow her head, apologise and conform. But that wasn’t going to happen; she wasn’t even going to pretend, the way she might have once, just to keep the peace. She put down her fork and straightened her spine, determined to say her piece.
‘You don’t get to do your life over through me. Your husband left you. It happens. It happens all the time no matter where you come from. But life is what you make it and I choose to enjoy mine. You could’ve remarried. You could’ve returned to India but you stayed. I am as Australian as Mike is. India is not my home. It never has been and never will be.’
Grandmother gasped, her fingers clutching at her chest.
‘There is nothing wrong with your heart so don’t even try.’ Ava calmly picked up her fork, aware that this wasn’t over. However, her father hadn’t spoken in his mother’s defence. Not yet anyway. She didn’t dare glance at him in case she caught his eye.
‘This is your doing. You have raised unruly and rude daughters.’ Grandmother rounded on her daughter-in-law. Even though she was Indian, she had grown up with similar freedoms as her Australian friends. She was, in the eyes of Grandmother, a bad influence.
Sometimes Ava wondered why her mother had married her father.
Ava’s mother bristled. ‘You mean women who think for themselves instead of blindly obeying?’ Her words were clipped, as though she was trying to remain calm but failing. ‘It’s in the blood, isn’t it? I know you eloped with your husband … you were already pregnant, weren’t you?’
A wave of silence fell over the table. Rose and Ava glanced at each other and then their parents, finally at the woman who had done her best to make them miserable.
Her grandmother shrunk into the dining chair like a deflated balloon. With her secret exposed, she had run out of puff and venom. ‘I didn’t want them to share the same shame.’
So instead she’d spent years inflicting a different kind of damage. Ava couldn’t forgive her for that. Her father helped his mother up and escorted her out. Ava didn’t miss the look that passed between her parents. There would be a reckoning.
After several more silent moments, her mother turned to her. ‘So was the restaurant good?’
‘The food was fantastic but …’ she shook her head. ‘Dinner was strained.’
‘Is he leaning on you through this, or does he care about you?’ her mother asked.
It was something Ava had wondered more than once. She had offered him the chance to talk and he had taken it. She wasn’t entirely sure when it had become more. ‘I don’t know … I guess time will tell.’
‘Be careful, Ava. A broken heart is hard to heal.’
Ava was sure that her mother wasn’t only referring to her and Mike. Had the loss of her husband really destroyed Grandmother’s world? Ava couldn’t imagine being that dependant on a man in the first place. Mike’s mother had gone on to have a good life.
The difference was in the way the loss was handled … that was something she saw all the time. Not everyone coped well. And her heart had never been tested.
Chapter 15
‘Hey.’ Ava answered on the first ring. She’d been expecting him to call, if only for a few minutes, every day. ‘You’re missing out on another heatwave.’
‘Melbourne is joining in—with thunderstorms.’
She’d rather the dry heat. ‘It’s the last burst of summer.’
‘Yeah. Still riding to work?’
‘Yes.’ She only rode when she worked mornings as she wasn’t game to ride at night, but that meant riding home in the middle of the afternoon. ‘It’s brutal.’
‘I can imagine. Bet you have to peel those clothes off.’
‘That’s what you’re really imagining, isn’t it?’ She shivered, knowing what his lips felt like on her skin too well.
‘I’m not answering that.’
She laughed. She didn’t need her imagination to know what he looked like naked. It was safer that he was on the other side of the country, because when she was with him she wan
ted to leap off that cliff to see what it would be like to sleep with him. It was only a matter of time and she’d already decided that she wanted it to be him. He was nothing like the boys she’d dated previously … he was a man.
‘Surely you have a better fantasy than me sweaty and red-faced after riding home?’
He was quiet for a moment. ‘I’m definitely not sharing that.’
That made her even more curious. ‘Is it weird? Should I be concerned?’
‘No! Wait, what do you think of as weird?’
She wasn’t sure. ‘Anything that isn’t normal?’
‘Depending on who you, are normal can be pretty broad.’
‘Now I am concerned.’ Was he hiding a fetish?
‘Don’t be.’ He let out a breath. ‘I think about what sex would be like without a condom. I’ve never had that. So yeah, very ordinary.’
‘Oh. Never?’ She knew he’d gotten tested, so he must have doubted that, or had he just wanted to be careful since they were mucking around?
‘Nah. When I was younger most weren’t on the pill and then when I got older I didn’t want to get caught out and then … anyway, I’m pretty boring when it comes to what I think about. In the shower, no condom, so there you go.’ His voice had softened. ‘Not very rock star.’
‘You can think up something more rock star after you’ve achieved that one.’
‘Maybe.’ She waited for him to ask when that would happen but he didn’t. ‘What about you?’
‘Me?’ She squeaked. She hadn’t expected the conversation to turn on her.
‘I just shared.’
‘I don’t know.’ There was no way she was going to say anything. She barely knew what she was doing anyway. ‘I’m taking it one step at a time.’
‘There’s nothing you want me to do?’
Oh, there were plenty of things. ‘Nothing specific … not yet anyway … I don’t know, are sixty-nines any good? I can’t believe I just said that.’ She was so glad that they weren’t having this conversation face to face. She could never have said that.
