“I missed you too Jaxon. Let’s go inside so we can talk. Drew’s not home. We have the place to ourselves.” We sat on the sectional in the living room. I wasn’t sure even where to start. Thankfully, he started first.
With a deep sigh, he reached for my hand, taking notice of my engagement ring. “I wasn’t sure if you’d still be wearing this after how badly I fucked up.”
I didn’t know what to say so I just shrugged.
“The last few weeks have been really rough. Between not seein’ you, knowin’ you were probably with him and all the shit that’s goin’ down with the club. It’s completely fucked my head up. I hate how we left things in the hospital. You needed to know if I could deal with our situation, and at the time, I wasn’t sure if I could. I’ve had enough distance, open road and time to know, for sure, that I can.” He rubbed his thumb across my knuckles. “I want us back Lei. I know I really fucked up and I hate that I hurt you, but I don’t think I’d have been able to come to the realization that I did without putting distance between us. When I’m alone with you I feel like I could deal with anything, but then when he’s around you, I just lose it. I hate the way he looks at you. He’s still in love with you.”
“I’m not going to sit here and tell you he’s not, because I know he is, but you have to trust me. I love you. I’m in love with you. I’m wearing your ring on my finger.” I wiped a stray tear from my cheek. “And I have missed you, I can’t deny that, but when I needed you the most you weren’t there. Regardless of who was there, you should’ve been there, holdin’ my hand, helpin’ me make the decisions and bein’ my rock. You allowed him to come between us. You chose to ride off on your bike and stay gone from my world for weeks. I’m really glad you know now that you want us to work this out, but what I can’t seem to get over is how easy it was for you to just walk away from me.”
No more tears. I had my life to get straight and hormones be damned, I needed to say my piece.
“Now you say you’re ready to deal with all of this and that you can deal with Brody being in our lives, but you said this before. Then, when push came to shove you bailed. What’s different this time? Why should I believe you? What makes you so sure you won’t get fed up again and roll?”
“I understand you’re skeptical. I get it babe. I’d be too, but before, I’d never been without you. I didn’t know what it felt like to go to sleep without you or waking up alone in our bed. Walking down the hall and not hear you singing in the shower. I’ve had to live without you for weeks. It’s like that saying, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. I’ll find a way to deal with Brody, but I think the three of us need to sit down and set some boundaries and get on the same page. He needs to know we’re together and that he lost his shot.”
I groaned. “He already knows all of this, but he doesn’t trust you. He didn’t trust you before you left me high and dry and he really doesn’t trust you now.”
“I don’t care if he trusts me. What I need to know is if you trust me? Can you trust me again? Can you forgive me for screwing up?” Anguish. Expectation. Fear. It was all there, written on his face. “I love you babe. I’ll spend the rest of my days trying to make this up to you.”
I sat there trying to figure out if I could forgive his deplorable actions with that slut at the club and if I could pardon him for deserting me. I really wasn’t sure. He watched me with hope and desperation shining in his jade eyes. He was searching my face for any sign of what I would do. He’d be staring for quite a while for that answer, because I didn’t have it. I couldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear because I was so confused. He wanted a second chance, but so did Brody. If I could forgive Jaxon, why couldn’t I do the same for Brody?
Brody has asked for forgiveness and, slowly, I have forgiven him. I hadn’t forgotten what he did, but I realized, I had forgiven him. Essentially they both did the same thing; they left me. The reasons were neither here nor there at this point. Why should Jaxon get a second chance if Brody didn’t?
All of these questions swirled in my head as my little girl decided to kick the crap out of my bladder. “I’ve gotta pee.”
I got up and walked toward the bathroom as confusion spread across Jaxon’s face. “You gotta pee? Can’t it wait a few minutes babe?”
I stopped, spun on my heel and gave him my best are-you-kidding-me face. I looked down to my round belly and back up to him. “Uhh, just a little pregnant here. And she’s bouncin’ on my bladder like she’s Tigger. So, to answer your question, no. I can’t wait.”
When I returned to the living room, Jaxon was holding the most recent ultrasound picture that I left on the dining room table last week.
“It’s amazin’ how much I can actually see on this thing now. It used to just be gray and black fuzz with flecks of white thrown in there, but now I can see her face, tiny little fingers and her belly.” His eyes shined with tears as he looked down at my stomach. “I can’t believe I have missed so much. She’s gotten so big.”
“You have missed a lot. Four weeks’ worth of kicks, stretches, hiccups, middle of the night potty breaks and my new crazy cravings.”
“I’m sorry babe.”
“You should be.” I looked away and walked to the kitchen. I needed the distance. I didn’t trust my hormones around him, plus he smelled so damn good. His scent flooded my nostrils, making me reminisce about our mornings together. I loved that smell, but now was not the time to start thinking about him in the shower. His broad, muscular frame as the water rained down over him. Sliding down his tongue worthy abs and the V of his obliques.
Jax stood and watched as I frowned, then shook my head. “You okay?” he asked.
“Huh?” I snapped out of my tormented daydream. “Oh, yeah. I’m fine. Sorry, I was just thinking.”
“Why don’t we sit and finish our conversation?”
I attempted to sit down gracefully, which was an epic fail. Halfway down I lost my balance and plopped onto the couch. “Ugh, I am so over this pregnancy. I am ready for her to be here.”
“Then why take the medicine to stop labor?” Jax asked.
“She’s not ready yet.” I rubbed my belly.
Jax placed his hand over mine and slipped his fingers between mine. “Okay, so back to us. Can we get back to where we were before I lost my mind? Can you forgive me and take me back?”
I looked down at our hands interlaced together, hating myself for what I was going to do next.
Chapter Twenty-Six
~Leila~
Our hands fit together like a puzzle. He sat there, waiting for my answer with a look that didn’t fit Jaxon. He didn’t do nervous.
“Listen Jax.” I brought my eyes to his as the hope seeped out of them. “I love you, please don’t ever doubt how I feel about you. I honestly wish I could tell you what you want to hear and what I want to say, but I can’t. Yet. Everything’s not straight in my head.” I took a deep breath. “I’m tryin’ to comprehend how I forgive you what I couldn’t forgive Brody. You left me just like he did. Don’t you remember what a mess I was? That’s exactly what you did to me, but it was so much worse.” I could see his frustration setting in. “Don’t Jax. This isn’t about me wanting or loving Brody. I know where you think this is going, but it’s not. Well, I don’t think it is.”
“Wait, you said it’s not about you wanting or loving Brody. You want him? You still love him?” Frustration was gone, replaced with rage and disappointment.
“God, men are such pains in the ass,” I said with a groan as I looked up at the heavens above. “No. I just said it’s not about that. Meaning it has nothing to do with the situation because I don’t want him like I want you.”
As if someone flipped an emotional switch, the sweet, loving Jaxon was back. “Oh”
“If I’m completely honest, which I want to be, I do think there is a part of me that still does have feelings for him.”
Flip…the anger returned.
“He’s been taking care of me for the
last few weeks. Making sure I have everything I need and he’s been really supportive. I thought you abandoned me. And as the days went by, the feelings I used to have for him started to resurface. I know you don’t want to hear this, but you need to understand where I’m at in my head.”
He watched me with a knitted brow and tight eyes. I knew this was going to be painful, but I needed to be completely forthcoming with my feelings.
“It wasn’t like I wanted to start forgiving him or remembering the way things used to be, but it’s hard not to. I was in love with him. He fathered my child, Jaxon. And staying with him for the last week…I don’t know. It felt like it used to. Well, without the physical aspect.”
“Well, I’m glad to know you didn’t let him—” He stopped himself before he finished that thought. “I’m glad he didn’t touch you. He didn’t, did he?”
Well, shit, how did I answer that? If I said no I’d be lying. I woke up with him cuddled up behind me, but if I said yes, I was pretty sure Jaxon would shit a baby goat right here, right now.
Ughhhhh, damn you conscience.
“Uhh, not really.” I decided on noncommittal and vague.
He sat up and leaned back slightly. “What the fuck does not really mean Leila?”
I slouched my shoulders and rested my head on the back of the couch. “He held me once, uh, okay twice, but it wasn’t in the way you think. It wasn’t sexual at all.”
“Oh really, then how the fuck was it Lei?” The vein in his forehead was pulsating like a strobe light at a rave.
“Chill out Jaxon. It’s not like it seems. The first time was at the hospital after you left me. He had a nightmare that I died and the baby was in danger. He hugged me.”
He seemed to soften a little at that, but then his eyebrows rose. “And the other time?”
Well, fuck…Let the shit-show begin. “We were watching a movie in his bed, since I was still having contractions.” He groaned. “We both fell asleep since we didn’t get a lot of sleep the night before because we were at the hospital and I was having contractions all night. And when I woke up Brody was curled up behind me. Wait. Stop. Don’t freak out. He was on top of the blankets and I was under them. It’s not a big deal. You and I slept like that a few times when we were just friends.”
He stood up and paced. “Yeah, we did. And I wanted to fuck you then. Just like he wants to fuck you now,” he roared.
“You’re being ridiculous.”
“Oh yeah, put yourself in my place Lei.” He glared at me.
Oh no, you did not just say that shit to me.
“What the fuck did you just say to me?” I asked with my head cocked angrily to the side. “Myself in your place? Hmm.” I paused for dramatics. “Now that you mention it, I’m pretty sure my place was far worse on Valentine’s Day, just hours after you asked me to marry you. Picture this Remi,” I sneered. “Close your eyes and imagine watching me kiss Brody. Imagine me rubbing my tits all over his face and grinding up and down on his cock.”
He stopped pacing and hung his head before sitting back down on the chaise. “That’s different,” he said quietly.
“Really, how? She fucked you in the past and clearly was trying for the same thing then. Please, explain to me how it’s different Remi?”
“Stop. I told you I don’t want you calling me that Leila. And it’s different because I didn’t lay down with her—”
“No, you just let her give you a lap dance. Sorry, I think that’s worse. And since I’m the pregnant, hormonal mess that you walked out on…”
We were both quietly brooding and I knew the next move was mine. I sat forward and reached for his hand. “Jaxon, I do love you. I do want to find a way to work things out, but I need time. I need to figure everything out in my head. I need to be sure I can get past all of the things you’ve done in the last month. And I hate to say it, but I need to be sure that the feelings I have for Brody aren’t more than I think they are.”
Jax took a long, deep breath. “I agree. I want you to be sure you don’t have feelings for him, other than him being the father. I’m tryin’ to be reasonable, but fuck…it’s a bitch.”
I could see how torn up he was about not controlling the situation. The Jaxon I knew wanted to thump his chest and claim me as his, but he knew that approach wasn’t going to work this time.
“Where are you gonna stay while you’re thinking?”
“I’m gonna go back and stay at Brody’s. Ruger’s already there and Jane is home all day. She has been wonderful, she’s so sweet and has taken great care of me. I’ve really been missing my mom lately and she reminds me of her.” Jax sighed as I continued. “Brody’s been really good to me and he’s only slept in his room with me that once. He’s at work all day and half the night, so you don’t have to worry about that.”
“So what’s gonna happen? You’re gonna go back and live with him while I’m at our house doing what…waiting?”
“We both know you’ll be at the clubhouse or out on runs. So don’t try to guilt me into feeling bad and implying you’re gonna be sitting around waiting on my decision. I don’t appreciate that Jax.”
“We both don’t know that. I told Mark I needed some time to make things right with you. Although, it seems I’ve fucked them up beyond what I realized.”
“What the hell did you think was gonna happen here Jaxon? That you’d come over and tell me you were done being a twatwaffle and I’d throw my arms open and run to you, like you did nothing wrong? Like this whole seriously fucked up situation didn’t start off because you let that cock-juggling cum-dumpster give you a fuckin’ lap dance, kiss you and rub her silicone-filled, fake-ass tits all up in your face.” I was now standing, waving my hands about like a stark-raving lunatic.
“Well, I sure as shit didn’t expect you to tell me you may still have feelings for that fucktard ex of yours. You fuckin’ blindsided me with that shit.” He stood up, fisting his hands.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they did. Because again, that was just my luck.
My phone started blaring my ringtone for Brody. Unfortunately, Jaxon knew this too.
“Jesus, I can’t have you to myself for an hour without him interfering,” he muttered under his breath.
“I heard that,” I said as I grabbed my phone and swiped my thumb across the screen. “Hey B, what’s up?”
“Hey babe, I just wanted to let you know that I have a meeting this afternoon and it will probably be later than normal when I get home, so I didn’t want you waiting for me for dinner. I would have told Jane, but I didn’t want to bother her while she was out. Plus, I wanted to see how things were going with you. You okay?”
“Fine. I’ll let Jane know when she gets here. Thanks for letting me know about dinner. Things here are fine. I’ll see you later at your place, okay?”
“’Kay, sounds good. Let me know if you need anything, all right?”
“I will Brody, see ya.” I turned and saw Jaxon calmly sitting on the chaise with his elbows resting on his knees.
“Bye Lei.”
“So what did he want this time?” Jaxon questioned.
“He’s got a late meeting and wanted to let me know so Jane and I didn’t wait for him to eat dinner. He knows how this hungry little peanut”—I talked down to my belly—“makes me cranky when she wants to eat.”
“Shit, I didn’t even think about it being lunchtime Lei. I’m sorry. Are you hungry? Do you wanna go get lunch?”
“Actually, now that you mention it, I am a little hungry. You want to walk down to the deli?” I asked as I remembered all the times when we went to East Bay Deli.
“I don’t know about you walkin’ that far. How about I run and pick something up for us?” Jax walked to the kitchen to get the menu. Why we always looked at the menu was beyond me. We both could recite the menu by now and probably half of the prices as well.
“No,” I simply stated as I walked over and grabbed my purse off the dining room table.
“No?”
“Nope, I’m walking. You can come with or stay here. Up to you,” I said as I reached for the front doorknob.
“Slow down there speed racer, I’m comin’.”
We walked, or waddled, depending on to whom you were referring, down the street, got lunch, then returned to the condo. While we were eating our lunch at the deli, Jane called to let me know she’d be over about 2:00 to pick me up. Once we got back, I packed a few more outfits while Jaxon sat on the bed, still griping.
He carried my bag down to the front door just before 2:00 p.m. I was nearly on the verge of tears at the thought of leaving him again. This was going to suck, but I needed to get everything sorted out and make a clear decision.
“All right babe, I’m gonna go. Can I call you later? Ya know, just to check on you?” Jax stood in front of me and tucked a stray curl behind my ear.
“Of course you can.” I looked down and leaned forward until the top of my head was placed squarely on his taut chest. He circled his arms around my back and pulled me closer. He held my body tightly against his rippled physique.
“I hate that I have to let you go,” he leaned down and murmured in my ear. “But I get it. I love you Leila. Please come back to me.”
“I love you too Jaxon. And I want to, but I need to figure it all out first. I won’t be any good to anyone until I do.” I watched the tears drip off the end of my nose and drop to the top of his black Doc Martens.
He slid his calloused fingers under my chin, tipping it up to look at him. “I’ll call you in a little while. Thanks for listenin’ to me, babe. I love you.”
He slipped his right hand along my jaw into my hair and pulled my lips to his. His kiss started off slow and sensual. My skin tingled from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. He groaned as I traced my tongue along his bottom lip, seeking entry. Tilting my head slightly, he opened his mouth, his tongue darting for mine. I grabbed at the sides of his cut, trying to pull him closer. Our tongues danced around each other and Jaxon sucked in my bottom lip.
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