by M. R. Joseph
That’s when the look on Dr. Goldberg's face changes and he sighs. He removes his glasses and rubs the bridge of his nose.
"Harlow, I think that's a whole other ball game."
"Why do you say that?"
He straightens up in his chair. "How do you feel when you are around this other person?"
God, how does Daniel make me feel? He makes me feel so, so much. I close my eyes and smile, thinking of the how good I feel around him.
"He makes me feel.... Oh, Dr. Goldberg, so much and it's sort of weird to tell you."
He chuckles. "I’m not asking for details, Harlow, but I want to know how you feel in your head and in your heart."
I look at him embarrassed because for a second I thought he meant sexually.
"He makes me feel...special. He makes me feel beautiful, smart, sexy, funny."
I tangle my hands in my lap and tilt my chin down.
"Actually I love spending time with him and his son."
Dr. Goldberg's eyes go wide.
"He has a child?"
"Yes, he's a widower. Henry is almost five. Daniel's wife died a few years ago. He moved here from England for a fresh start."
“Do you feel as though your strong feelings for Daniel are mixed with your natural desire and instinct to become a mother? One can certainly become a mother without carrying a child in her womb, as we’ve discussed previously.”
When I think of Daniel and Henry together it warms me. "It's something that attracts me to him, yes. To me it's a gift to watch them and I love being around when they are together."
"Is that all you feel with Daniel?"
"No, it's not. I feel sacred and adored. I don't think I’ve ever felt that way."
Dr. Goldberg lifts his chin and rubs it. His thoughtful expression is telling me he values what I’m saying but there's more.
"You did though, Harlow."
I furrow my brow and feel my stomach flip because I know what he means.
"You felt that with Cruz and what you are remembering about him describes what you feel for Daniel. I’m not saying you don't feel that for Daniel. But those same feelings were present when you were with Cruz. The similarities are uncanny. The way you described how Daniel makes you feel is exactly how you once described your relationship with Cruz."
When he says that, I know I’m in trouble.
Part of me doesn’t want to explore what Dr. Goldberg is saying. Part of me just wants to take the easy road; the road that leads to Daniel. But, I don’t know if I can do that. Although Dr. Goldberg has clarified what I needed to know: my dreams are my memories. I am still confused. Shit.
***
So it's Friday, the day we leave for Sandy Cove for the weekend. I have to get through a few more hours of the school day first. My bags are packed, got my mask and my costume and with all that's been going on, I’m anxious to get away. It’s not like I don't want to see Daniel, I'll miss him, but I need to just go have some fun with my girlfriends and the guys. Well, except Cruz. Craw says he's working this weekend. I’m not sure I could handle seeing him. He's kept a strange distance from me. I ask Craw if he's talked to him and I get short answers of “he's busy”, or “school’s taking up a lot of time”. I believe it, but he never goes into more detail. Men. I don't go to the teachers’ lounge today at lunch. Instead, Daniel and I grade papers in my classroom and eat in there. At least we get to spend some alone time, despite the location.
I look up over at him as he makes his way through grading a bunch of science tests. I am grading reports on my students’ favorite literary characters. Every now and again, I feel Daniel looking at me. When I look up, he puts his head down quickly and I laugh. He hates getting caught looking at me. He also likes to take his foot and rub my legs under the desk, even going so far as to graze my kneecap with those fine fingers of his.
Damn, his touch gives me the goosies.
I chew on the tip of a pen and have this sudden fantasy of Daniel throwing all the stuff off my desk like in the movies, grabbing me, throwing me down on it, and making mad passionate love to me on top of it. My skirt, hunched up to my hips, him making quick use of his buckle as he pulls it down and, bang! Cock! Then he pounds into me and my head hangs back on the edge of the desk and I tell him, "Yes, Daniel, yes, fuck me harder. Yes, yes, yes!" And he moans my name, and kisses my breasts, and licks my neck and then....
"Harlow, you okay? You have this funny look on your face?"
Daniel's voice brings me back from my daydream and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, I’m as crimson as they come.
"Um, oh, yeah, I’m fine. Just thinking."
He looks at me incredulously.
"And, uh, what exactly were you thinking about?"
Big-balls Hannum holds nothing back.
"You taking me on this desk." I wink and tilt my chin downward a bit.
Daniel's jaw drops open and he blinks a few times. He sits back in his chair and crosses his arms in front of him.
"Miss Hannum, I cannot believe you just said those things to me. I’m...I’m simply speechless, and appalled by your brazen fantasy of sexual indiscretions." He stands up and makes his way over to my desk standing next to me. He leans down as to be looking down at the desk at something I’m working on. I feel a sudden tingle down my neck as I feel his breath on it. He whispers, "I love that you thought about me taking you on this desk. You probably thought about me ripping your clothes off and licking every inch of your skin from head to toe." He takes his index finger and traces a line from the top of my shoulder to my wrist as I squirm in my seat and the heat between my legs comes full force.
"There's nothing I would love more than to make love to you long and hard and soft and watch you come undone around me. I’ve watched you come and it's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life." He moans and breathes hot air into my ear and down my neck.
Oh, sweet Christ.
I swallow hard.
Words really don't come out the way I want them to. I can't even blame it on my broken brain.
"That, um...oh, well yes, that's...well, wow."
He stands up and walks to the other side of the desk and gathers his papers. From what I can see from looking at Daniel's pants, his little fantasy has turned him on as much as it has me. He catches me looking at his crotch. He looks down, grins, and winks. He turns around to do what I think he's doing. Adjusting himself.
He walks back over to me after gathering his things and kisses me on the cheek.
"I hope you have a really great time this weekend and wish I was going with you. I can't wait to see what Sandy Cove is like."
I smile up and him not wanting him to walk out that door so I grab his hand and pull him back down to my level and I kiss his lips quickly.
"I can't wait for you to see it, too. I hope this summer you come and visit as often as you can."
"I plan on it. Call me when you can." I nod.
"Oh, and Daniel, make sure you send me a picture of Henry dressed in his Darth Vader costume when he goes Trick or Treating."
"Will do."
He walks out the door and my heart sinks because it will be three days until I see him again, and as sad as I feel about not seeing him, it's a good thing because I need a little time to get my head around my new memories and my session with Dr. Goldberg. A Daniel and Cruz-free weekend is just what I need.
***
Being back in Sandy Cove makes me happy. It's sounds juvenile, but it's true. This is the place where I find my serenity, my peace. It has always been that even when I came here as a child. I do have memories of family vacations here. Not all of them, but when I’m in Sandy Cove I can’t help to think of it as my second home. I’m already counting down the days till I’m here again for the entire summer.
It's Halloween and Jax is having their annual “Mask” party. You are to wear black head to toe, and have masks that cover your eyes and nose. Nothing scary. They can be colorful, decorated, but you can't walk into the bar with
out one on. The girls and I made ours last week. Mine is pink and silver. Beads and sparkles cover it. I pull back my long hair into a high ponytail and stick on my new, sheer, black sleeveless shirt with one of the new crystal studded black bras Willow and Thea bought me. It may look a little "Madonna-esque" under the sheerness of the shirt but I’m throwing my inhibitions to the wind and going with it. No one knows me except for my friends, and besides, this is the new Harlow Hannum, the one with the balls.
We hit Jax and it's packed. We maneuver through the crowd to find Porter and Craw, which is sort of hard since everyone is dressed in masks and black clothing. The music from the D.J. that’s here before Max’s band goes on pumps into the salty air. Bodies sway together and people laugh. The walls of Jax are lit up with fluorescent lights that cast a purplish glow everywhere. The atmosphere is electric. We find them fairly easily as they arrived super early to find us some seats, well for me mostly, but I plan on trying to dance a little tonight. Craw grabs our drinks and a round of shots. I’m not much of a drinker these days but the beer is going down well and I feel free. Porter makes a toast as he passes out all the shots.
"To us all being together to celebrate the fact that we only have less than seven months until we are back in Sandy Cove for the summer. Here's to Sandy Cove."
In unison we all say, "To Sandy Cove." The shot goes down, and Max's band comes on, and the dancing commences. I start off slow, just moving my body to the beat of the music, shutting my eyes and letting it carry me. Craw spins around Willow and they do the silly butt-rubbing dance they've done since we were kids. Porter and Thea groove and rub up against each other, her arms draped around his neck, their foreheads and masks touching, both of them swaying with their eyes closed.
Interesting. Quite interesting. Their bodies are very close and my heart swells because they look so perfect together. I don't think I’ve ever realized this before.
They really do look perfect together.
Porter looks up from Thea who rests her head on his chest and his eyes meet mine. When he sees the smile on my face, I raise my beer and wink at him. He shrugs and smiles, kissing the top of Thea's head in the process. I stand there watching them and I’m in awe. Thea and Porter. Who would have thought it?
Willow comes up behind me and swings her arm around my shoulder handing me a shot of something.
'What's going on here? What are you staring at?" I point to Porter and Thea and she makes a pffst sound out of her mouth.
"Hmm...I swore P was gay and Thea was just sexually confused maybe. I thought she had a crush on me or something." I roll my eyes at her.
"What? It could be true." When we look back at them slowly dancing to the screaming rock and roll song Max belts out, we both look at each other and say, "Nah."
She shoves the shot at me. "Come on, Har. Just do this with me. It tastes like sour apples."
I shake my head, no. "Yeah, and it will come back up later tasting like sour apples."
"Ugh, you are a sack of potatoes. Just one more I promise." I swig it back just so she stops badgering me.
"Happy now?" I hand her the empty shot glass.
"Very. How are you feeling? Your legs feel okay?"
I giggle like a drunken teenager. "Yes, my legs feel fine ’cause these shots are making them feel lighter than air. I feel good. More than good. Really good. These shots are tasty."
Willow hugs me and giggles. "Good, Har. Want to go sit and rest a bit?"
"Actually I’m going to run to the bathroom first. And no more shots for me. I have a hard enough time walking when I’m sober. Alcohol won't make me walk any straighter."
She grabs my shoulders lightly. "Want me to go with you?"
I shake my head. "No, I’m fine. I’m sure there's a line so I'll text Daniel while I’m waiting."
She kisses my cheek and goes back to bouncing with the others who are jamming.
The ladies room line doesn't look too long so I don't get a chance to text Daniel. I'll do it when I come out. I pee and then wash my hands. I look up at the mirror, my mask still on. I take it off momentarily. I have some mascara smudges. I use my fingers to rid them and reapply a little gloss to my lips. I sway a little. Alcohol goes to my brain a lot quicker now that I don't drink it as often.
I turn the knob and make my way out of the ladies room only to have my body jerked to the side of the door. My back is crushed against the wall behind me and someone’s strong hands are on my hips and theirs are pinned to mine so I can't escape. I start to struggle a bit but my body is weak from the shots and beer. Lips come down to claim mine and I try and turn my head because a stranger is kissing me but as the person’s lips are on mine, and he slides his tongue between them begging for entrance without words, I let him in. For some odd reason, these lips, these hands, his smell...it's unmistakably familiar.
I no longer struggle. I don't fight it. I can't and it has nothing to do with the effects of the alcohol I’ve consumed.
Fuck it!
I grab onto his hair like it's the reins on a horse and tug at it. Our masks rub together as do our bodies and he palms my ass. I hitch my leg against his thigh as he leans against my body. There could be a million people walking by watching me hump his leg right now and I could care less. He smells so fucking good and I lick his neck hoping it tastes as good as it smells.
"Oh God," he moans and his deep vibrato voice turns me on even more. He grabs me from against the wall and lifts me, so I wrap my legs around his waist and he takes me out the back entrance of Jax. In the alley next to the door he doesn't let me down but keeps kissing me, licking the salty skin from my shoulders, my neck, my ears.
My head swims and my thoughts are confused by this familiarity. His hands cup my swollen breasts, making my nipples pebble. They then snake their way up the back of my neck, tugging my pony tail back. The masked man has my head pointing toward his face, giving him a better angle so he can further assault my already aching lips. His teeth bite my lower lip and his hands weave through my hair. My hands go to his ass and I grab onto it, pulling his body closer to mine as my back crashes against the brick wall. As I feel his hardness against my front, I feel such unabashed passion and lust. Our tongues tango. My skin is on fire. I take his hand and place it on my front begging him to rub me there. I need to rid this ache, this need, this want. I can't control myself. I’m uninhibited and free and I want this masked man to fuck me, right here, right now. I don't care that it's here. I don't care if there are onlookers. All I know is I want this man. And I know he's a stranger and I’ve never done this....
I pause and remove myself from his body so that I’m back on the ground. Bringing my fingers to my lips, touching the swollen skin, I look down to the ground and rip off my mask. I throw it and look up and see the masked man panting and trying to catch his breath.
"Take off your mask," I demand. He doesn't comply. Tears fill my eyes and panic fills my heart. He stands there putting his head down, not looking at me.
"I said, take off your fucking mask!" I scream and wipe at my eyes.
My heart is beating erratically, my body sparking at all the sensations, all the emotions I feel and it’s all familiar. Too familiar. So now what I need is confirmation.
He slowly peels it from his face and throws it to the ground.
I look at him. My chest rising and falling as I cry harder and my body shakes the more I do.
"Why? Just...tell me why, damn it?"
He speaks to me, softly.
"I needed you. I needed to feel you, to be near you. To kiss you."
"That's not good enough," I growl out at him.
He raises his head, looking at me with eyes full of pain and I don't care because I’m hurting too. I don't want this to be about him. This is about me and how I was just deceived.
"Because I love you, Turnip, and that's never going to change as long as I stand here and breathe the same air you do."
My tears have no on and off switch. They leave me no choice and attac
k at full speed.
Fucking Raphael Cruz has got me. He just placed my memory of him back into my head and a piece of him back into my heart. I’m so confused, but what else is new? I’m angry knowing I feel the way I do, but I also can’t fight my feelings about what just transpired between us. He forced this. He made his way into my brain again and I welcomed it. How could he? How could he make me feel all those things, all that passion? But did he really make me, or did I allow myself to remember those feelings? Experience those sensations?
I did. I let myself.
What the hell am I going to do now?
CHAPTER 15
Being the Brave Solider
Cruz~
There's an intense stare down for a few moments. Her small and fragile body is shaking and she cries. I did deceive her. I deceived everyone. I told Craw I had to work this weekend when all along I knew I was coming here. I waited till Craw left and I wasn't far behind.
I stayed in my car until it was time for the party to start. I made my way to the bar when the doors opened and I sat at the bar the whole time. Mask and all. I stuck on a long-sleeve black shirt to cover up my tattoos. I watched her. I never took my eyes off her. The way she was smiling, the way her body moved when she was dancing. Even with a mask on, I knew it was her. But then the distance was too much for me to bear. I needed to be near her and when I followed her to the bathroom I had no intention of taking her and kissing her the way I did, but when I realized where we were, the bathrooms where we first met, I couldn't help myself. Something else took over me and my common sense. I just needed to kiss my girl. The need was so strong, I was useless against my own thoughts. And I don't feel guilty.
And why is that?
Because she knew it was me.
After a few minutes of crying and pacing, she stops and speaks. "How could you trick me like that, Cruz? And of all places to do it? Why? Just fucking tell me why."
I go to her angry because even though I couldn't help myself, I’m mad she didn't call out my name or even attempt to make it known it was me.
I take her face in my hands, her soft skin feels like silk underneath my fingers, but she's not having it. She turns her face and steps out of my touch.
