by Rula Sinara
“I don’t blame you,” Hope said.
She wiped him up again and gave up on the jar. He wasn’t feeding himself the diced cooked carrots on his tray, either, although he was having fun throwing them on the floor. She peeled one strip back on a banana, got a new spoon and scraped the edge along the fruit. Instant mash filled the spoon and disappeared readily into his mouth.
Maddie was at school, and Ben had taken Chad to his very first half day of preschool. The mere idea of going to school like his big sister had him acting at least a few months older and 25 percent calmer. He was a smart kid, and preschool gave his brain an outlet, as well as taught him to deal with schedules and rules. Preschool was going to do wonders for him.
She pretended to pop a carrot cube in her mouth and made yummy noises. Then tried it again on Ryan. Not happening. He’d developed a sweet tooth, albeit for mashed fruit, before getting used to cereals and vegetables.
“Little man, I feel your addiction. I do. But I swear if you eat one spoon from your jar I’ll kiss your slobbery cheek and play crawl races with you.” Medical training did not a parent make. Nothing beat experience when it came to things like raising babies. She couldn’t help but feel as though Ryan was her first baby.
She sat back and let him play with the mess on his tray. A few months ago, if anyone had told her to consider pediatrics, she’d have laughed. In her life, she’d been the child patient and the family baby. And then as an adult, she’d seen other children suffer and hated it. But she had never considered that she could speak up and tell her parents that joining their practice was not what she wanted. That if they cared about her happiness, they’d understand and let her pursue her own path with their blessings.
And, boy, did she now understand, firsthand, that a parent wants nothing more than happiness and health for their child. She wasn’t Maddie, Chad and Ryan’s mother—no one would ever take Zoe’s place as the woman who had given them life—but she felt as if she was in her heart. She wished she could figure out how to be in two halves of the world at once.
Because falling in love with Ben’s children and watching Maddie suffer and heal made her realize she wanted, needed, to help as many children as possible. Telling herself that there were too many needy children—like that Masai child who’d died from lack of care—for one person like herself to make a difference was nothing but cowardice. She’d wanted to believe that she couldn’t help. That it would be a futile effort. Convincing herself of that meant that she wouldn’t have to face her parents and tell them she wanted to change the life they’d laid out for her. It would have meant facing times when she didn’t succeed and having to experience the pain of witnessing child suffering or death. Pure cowardice. And she saw that now. Both Maddie and Ben had made her see the power of courage.
But she also knew that making a difference meant returning home. She had to figure out a way to make sure medical care got to all. Children too rural and distant from hospitals. Children like Chuki’s sister who needed regular care but who couldn’t afford what was available even close to home.
Home.
How could such a simple word become so loaded? Home had become two places. Two impossible places.
She let Ryan wrap his chubby fingers around hers, and she kissed his hand. She didn’t care that it was sticky with the banana from reaching into his mouth to chew on a finger while he ate. She would have kissed it with jarred chicken. Ryan made a face, as if he could hear her thoughts.
“Okay, maybe not with chicken, but I do love you that much,” she said. “I’m going to miss you all.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Dear Diary,
I heard Grandma and Grandpa fighting over Miss Hope. If she heard them, too, and goes away, I’ll never speak to them again. Instead, I’ll say all those words Daddy says that I’m not supposed to say.
HOPE SAT WITH Ben in his car in the Harpers’ driveway. Dawn was just breaking, and the ash and oak trees that towered over Nina and Eric’s house were silhouetted against streaks of pink and purple. February snow had been plowed into muddy piles along the roads, melting into slush and then refreezing nightly. The Harpers had been spending more and more time with them. They had even shown up at Ben’s on Valentine’s Day, no doubt to strip the romance out of it.
Ben had an early flight to catch to DC and looked sharp in his suit and trench coat. He had three days’ worth of interviews scheduled and wouldn’t be here when she left tomorrow. She’d be staying at the Harpers’, so that when she left, the kids could remain until Ben’s return. She worried about how Maddie would take it.
“Is this it?” she said. “Just like that? As if nothing has happened between us?”
Ben sat staring straight ahead.
“Hope,” he finally said. “There’s absolutely no denying that this…thing between us is powerful, but you can’t let it cloud your judgment, and neither can I. I can’t in good conscience stop you from pursuing your career. We have responsibilities. My family is here. I could be moving with or without them because I need to earn a living, but at least I’ll be in the same hemisphere. And your job isn’t the kind a person can walk away from. It’s too important, Hope. And what you told me about going back and helping kids…” He shook his head. “You need to do that. I’ve been enough places to have seen the kind of desperation and lack of care you’re talking about. Knowing that you’re going to be over there, dedicating your life to providing that care, makes me think you’re even more incredible and amazing than I already knew.”
Hope closed her eyes.
“Thank you for thinking that,” she whispered, putting her hand over his.
After a moment, she put her hand back into her lap and looked across the front yard at the snowman she’d built days ago with the kids after they had coaxed her into watching a cartoon movie about Frosty. Frosty looked right at her, and she could almost hear him warning her that seasons change. Moments pass. And what we let ourselves believe is real can melt away so very easily.
“What if I was willing to walk away from Kenya and medicine and all of it? Wouldn’t it be my decision?”
“Hope, I can’t answer that,” he said, rubbing his eyes. “I can’t be responsible for that. For you having regrets ten or twenty or thirty years down the road. I can’t do that to you. It wouldn’t be fair. I did that to Zoe, and I can’t feel that kind of guilt again. I don’t want you to ever look back and think you’d made a wrong decision.”
*
BEN DIDN’T WANT to hurt her. But whatever pain she felt now would eventually pass. Distance would help her forget. How could she know he was worth losing everything for? She’d spent her entire adult life working toward becoming a doctor. Even if it turned out that she had another calling, it wasn’t his place to change her path. She couldn’t go after what she was meant to do if he stood in the way or she became the instant mother of three. He knew more than anyone how sudden, unexpected parenthood could send your life in another direction.
Hope licked her lips and looked outside.
“Ask me to stay, Ben.”
“I can’t.”
She looked the other way and covered her mouth. Her chin trembled, and he wanted to hold her and tell her it would all work out. But he couldn’t lie.
“Then, we’re done,” she said. “Whatever was going on here wasn’t meant to be. If you can’t bring yourself to ask me to stay or at least tell me that you wish I could, then at least tell me you won’t move away from the children. Please promise me that.”
“You don’t understand. I can’t promise that, either.”
*
HOPE WENT TO say her goodbyes to Brie right after Ben left. She and Brie cried so much, Cooper had to leave the room.
But they were going to stay in touch, and Brie promised to bring Wolf to see the kids again, and any future puppies, too, once Wolf moved on to the next stage of his training.
Hope wanted to see Wolf pass his tests and move on, but another part hated to see him separate
d from Cooper. At least seeing how much Cooper and Brie meant to each other saved a drop of her belief that good things happen.
That night, Hope didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but when it happened, she couldn’t tear herself away. The thin walls of Nina and Eric’s home were hopeless as a sound barrier, and the vent overhead funneled voices and made them even clearer. Lying on her bed, she hugged her knees to her chest and listened, tears filling her eyes.
“Eric, I’m telling you she’s meant to be a part of his life,” Nina was saying. “The kids’ lives. She’s brought joy back into that home. I didn’t want to accept it at first, either, but I see it now.”
“What would Zoe think?” Eric’s voice now. “Our daughter, Nina. What would she think if she knew Ben wanted to share his life with someone else? I’m sorry, but I can’t accept that. What kind of father would I be to let that happen? Zoe trusted me, trusted us to look out for her. She was so giving. She did so much to keep her family together when he was gone. She doesn’t deserve this kind of betrayal.”
“But she’s gone!” Nina’s cry exploded in Hope’s chest, and a sob escaped. Hope pressed her hand against her mouth and closed her eyes.
“Our girl is the one who is gone now, Eric. Only she’s not coming back. We have to accept that. I know my daughter. She would have wanted us to look out for her family…for our grandchildren. If there was ever a loving, giving, unselfish soul on this planet, it was our Zoe, and she wouldn’t have wanted Ben to live out his life alone. She would have wanted him to find someone who’d love him and her children the way she did. She wanted so badly for him to come home to stay. To be with his children. Safe. Hope granted her that wish. I could see the signs, Eric. I think somehow Zoe brought them together. Like an angel.”
“Dear God. Now you’ve really lost your mind.”
“How can you say that? Don’t you believe in fate?” Nina asked.
“Fate? You mean the fate that killed my daughter?”
A haunting silence followed. Hope covered her face with both hands, dropping them to her waist when Eric spoke again.
“I have nothing against Hope. I agree that she’s a special person, and I really like her, but that doesn’t mean she’s supposed to take Zoe’s place. She’ll hurt him. She’s a career woman. She has a life on the other side of this planet. And if she gets any closer to him or the kids than she already has, she’ll break their hearts. The kids are already going to suffer when she leaves. If she and Ben tried to do some sort of long-distance relationship, eventually they’d see it won’t work, and the kids would get hurt all over again.”
There was a pause, then Hope heard Eric continue, “Ben’s still mourning my daughter. At least he’d better be. He couldn’t possibly know what he wants. He’s clinging to the first woman he can trust with those kids, just so that he can return to his career.”
Hope pushed her hair back and felt a wave of tears and a sob rising in her chest. That was what her parents would have said, too. That he was disrespecting her by having her go from highly educated to an instant mother for his convenience. She refused to believe that about Ben. He’d said he didn’t want that. But had it been an excuse? Maybe in the end he wasn’t ready to move on. Not with her, at least. Maybe the three months of her help had felt good to them both, but in the end, he’d wanted out and gave the best, most honorable reason he could for his escape. He’d needed a way out and had let her down as easily as he could.
“You stubborn man!” Nina responded. “Think about Ben. After all he has risked to support his family. After all he has sacrificed for his country. Did he deserve to lose his wife? Is he supposed to suffer, alone, for the rest of his life? He’s only thirty-five. You’re sixty-one. Could you imagine not having had me around to share your days with for the past thirty years?”
At last the house fell silent again, and Hope sank farther into her bed and curled into a fetal position. Fatigue consumed her. Disappointment drained her. She was so naive. Stupid girl. She pressed the heels of her palms against her eyes and held her breath to slow her breathing, but it didn’t work. Her lungs heaved. Her head spun. And the scar that had sealed the hole she’d once had in her heart felt as though it’d come undone. Ben had never really wanted her. Not badly enough.
*
A TAXI HAD BEEN called in the morning, and the Harpers and Corallises stood near the door, looking as though the world was coming to an end.
Hope cradled Ryan and inhaled his scent. She kissed him, letting her lips linger against his temple, and put him back in Nina’s arms. You’ll always be my baby.
Then she knelt down and rubbed Chad’s arms.
“You’re the handsomest four-year-old young man I know. And you, just like your daddy, are going to have a lot of fun with your little brother, but always remember that you’re his protector. Okay? Take care of him for me.”
“Okay.”
“Give me a hug,” she said, then held him tight and kissed his cheek. “I miss you already,” she said.
“I miss you already, too,” Chad said.
Then Hope turned to Maddie, who stood quietly by the steps.
“I’m going to miss you so much, Maddie. I want you to promise me that if you need someone to talk to, you’ll call me. Call your uncle Jack, if that’s easier. He’ll find me for you. Or have your daddy show you how to email me. Just promise me,” she said, taking Maddie’s hands in hers, “that you’ll stay in touch. It would mean the universe to me.”
Fresh tears welled up in Maddie’s eyes. She nodded, and Hope’s stomach sank, thinking Ben’s being gone and her leaving had caused Maddie to retreat again into silence.
But then Maddie squeezed her hands and said, “Okay. I promise.”
Hope slipped the last bangle off her wrist and put it on Maddie’s.
“Try to remember this. ‘When you wear one, good things come your way. When you wear two, happy memories will stay. And the magic of three is, it sets your heart free.’ Always remember that I love you,” Hope said.
Maddie flung her arms around her and cried, “But you’re supposed to stay. I know you are. You belong with us. I don’t care what Grandma and Grandpa said!”
Hope glanced up at Nina and Eric and, despite the hurtful things she’d overheard—and apparently Maddie had, too—their looks of embarrassment made her feel awful for them. She focused on Maddie.
“My sweet Maddie, I want to stay with you, but I can’t—there are things I have to do in Kenya. But I promise we’ll see each other again someday. You could come and visit your uncle Jack, auntie Anna and Pippa and all the crazy animals they have. And you can take a zillion pictures when you’re there. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
Maddie nodded, her cheeks damp with tears. “I love you,” she said.
“I love you, too.” Hope fought hard not to fall apart in front of her. “Do me a favor, okay? Take care of your brothers and your dad and grandparents. And if anyone needs something, you let me know.”
“I will.” Maddie sniffed, then wiped her nose on her sleeve. Hope gave her another hug, then went to her grandparents.
“Nina, Eric—”
“Hope, I’m sorry that—”
“Eric, please don’t apologize. It was meant to be a private conversation.” She looked from him to Nina and back again. “Know that I will cherish every moment I spent with you two. I can see why Jack loves you so much. Leaving would be so much harder if I didn’t know Maddie, Chad and Ryan have such wonderful grandparents to make sure they’re okay. And, please…please, take care of Ben, too.”
Eric gave her a hug, and then Nina wrapped her in her arms. “Please come back and visit us. We’re going to miss you,” Nina said.
“Me, too. Do me a favor, Nina. I left a bag of the winter clothes, the jacket and such, in the bedroom. Please donate them to a shelter for me.”
“I will.” Nina hugged her again. Hope waved to the children and hurried out to the taxi before she lost all control. She got in and shut the door on the
life, the family, that felt like her own, just as her tears began to flow.
Life hurt. Love hurt. That was what her parents had been protecting her from all along. Why her life had been laid out for her, why their walls of protection had no doors, why they worried. There were never guarantees, only better choices to make and cleaner paths to take.
She fished in her tote for a packet of tissues and saw a bright pink envelope she knew wasn’t her ticket. She opened it and gasped.
Photographs that Maddie had taken. Mostly from the day they went to the tree farm and a few candids from around the house. Ryan rocking on all fours while staring at their Christmas tree. Chad— She looked closer. The little devil caught red-handed. Chad peeling the end of a present to peek inside. Ben— She felt a lump rise in her throat. Ben sitting in a chair with Ryan and Chad on his lap and reading to them. She and Ben standing close, facing each other as they held their morning mugs of coffee, talking about something she couldn’t remember. But in the photo, nothing seemed to matter but each other. It didn’t look as though any of the subjects knew their pictures were being taken. Hope flipped through again. There were none of Maddie. Just as there’d been so few of Zoe on their shelves in the living room.
Maddie had been the one behind the camera. She’d inherited a gift from her mother. An ability to capture the moment, the emotion and life, before it disappeared again. Maddie already understood an important lesson Hope wished she hadn’t had to learn so young.
Nothing lasted forever.
It was time to go home.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Dear Hope,
I raised my hand in school today and answered a question in science. It was about metamorphosis and Ms. Serval told the class that I was the only one who got it right. It felt good. And Sara sat next to me at lunch and was being really nice. She invited me to play at her house. She has a puppy, two cats and a chameleon. I’m definitely going. Chad tried to kiss a girl in preschool and then he asked her to marry him. He’s such a dork! I have my big-sister work cut out for me. Especially since Ryan walked for the first time today. I took a lot of pictures but I didn’t download them yet. I know you just left yesterday, but I miss you. I’ll send pictures next time.
