“You don’t leave town,” he ordered. “You will pay your debt.”
I straightened. “I won’t leave town.”
He nodded once as Damon took a drink from his glass and Kai glared at me.
I shifted on my feet. “May I borrow someone’s phone, please?”
But Michael just raised his glass to his mouth again, mumbling, “Borrow one from the girls. We’re using ours.”
I shifted on my feet, finally turning around and rolling my eyes as I left the car. I ventured back the way I came, trailing from one box to the next, past the kitchen, the dining car, the cabins, a room with William Grayson engraved on the door, and the lounge car.
They weren’t using their phones, but at least he wasn’t telling me I couldn’t use one. For all he knew, I could be calling my brother and trying to get help.
But I wouldn’t.
I might be safer if I jumped on a plane to California as soon as we arrived in Thunder Bay, but now that it was all on the table, I knew.
I was the one who hurt them. I needed to see this through.
For Will.
Even if he never wanted me again, I owed him this.
Leaving the empty lounge, I spotted movement through the window in the next railcar. I watched one of the girls inside, her dark locks hanging in her face as she held Alex in a headlock. I slid open the door and stepped inside the gym, noticing a couple of treadmills, weight machines, and a floor mat for sparring.
Erika Fane stood off to the left with her arms folded over her chest, while Winter Ashby straddled a bench off to my right.
As I let the door slide closed behind me, everyone turned their eyes, staring at me.
The black-haired one, poised over Alex, pierced me with her green eyes, and I saw Winter shift and turn her head to train her ears.
“Those are my clothes,” Alex said, panting.
I chewed the corner of my mouth. “Yes, I know.”
She hooded her eyes and pushed the other woman off, rising from her knees and standing up. Sweat made her skin glow, and her shorter hair was pulled back into a low ponytail as she walked to the treadmill and grabbed a towel.
Erika inched over, her arms still folded. “Alex filled us in.” Her eyes fell down my body. “You’re okay?”
I nodded. “Thank you for asking.”
No one had yet.
Erika cast a glance at Alex, who was downing some water, and then back to me as she started to walk past. “We’ll leave you two alone.”
“Don’t,” Alex told her.
Erika stopped, and Alex capped the bottle and faced me.
Splotches of sweat darkened her white workout top, and she stepped toward me in her black yoga pants and bare feet, hands on her hips and fire in her eyes. “In the moment, you actually didn’t know who you were going to choose down there, did you?”
I tipped my chin up. “Was it that I might’ve chosen Will or that I might have chosen Aydin that bothers you the most?”
Her eyebrows shot up, and I didn’t quite feel satisfied that I’d annoyed her, but I didn’t feel badly about it, either. She and Will still failed to understand that it wasn’t a choice I was making between the two men in Aydin’s bedroom.
It wasn’t about them at all.
She approached, glaring at me like she was judge and jury. “You broke his heart.”
“Don’t sell yourself short,” I retorted, remembering Will’s taunts. “I’m sure you provided loads of comfort to him all these years. ‘In his bed, in the shower, on the beach, against the wall, on the hood of the car, and in his backseat.”
She growled, coming right for me, but I shot out and caught her, pushing her away before she hit me. “I’m not going to fight you.”
“You don’t get to decide!”
She lunged into my face, and I pressed my palms to her chest, pushing her back again.
“And you’re not going to fight me,” I told her. “I’m tired of bleeding.”
What had been happening in my head in that house was the same battle I’d always fought. A battle between how I always saw the world, and how I craved to see the world instead. I needed to change as much as I needed Will.
I needed to like myself as much as I loved him.
I stared at her, feeling the eyes of everyone else in the room, and while I kind of understood where she was coming from, because I felt the same jealousy thinking about her and Will as she did thinking about Aydin and me, her notions of who I was and what I deserved weren’t my problem.
“I will make amends for my crime all those years ago,” I told her, “but what goes on between Will and me is none of your business. I don’t give a shit if you’re his friend, his mom, or God. You’re not entitled to a grudge against me. This isn’t about you.”
A glint hit her eyes, and then she cocked her head, silent for a moment.
“You sound just like him,” she finally said, crossing her arms over her chest. “He got to you quick, I see.”
He.
Aydin.
She shook her head. “Like a true, manipulative monster—”
“Like a father.”
It wasn’t at all like she was thinking. I barely knew Aydin, and I didn’t want to sleep with him. She was taking something far more complicated, and whittling it down to fit her own shallow perceptions of the world, so she could understand something she was determined not to ever comprehend.
I didn’t want to fuck him.
I cast a glance at the others before turning my eyes back on her. “I thought I’d remember my parents better since I was almost twelve when they died,” I told her. “I didn’t realize what a burden it takes off your shoulders to have guidance. I didn’t realize I’d missed it so much until I had it again.”
Aydin Khadir had an agenda. He stole me, put me in a dangerous position, and manipulated me.
But people change people, and while he was no hero, I couldn’t help but feel a little grateful. I’d been dying before I woke up in Blackchurch.
“I was safer in a house full of criminals than I was with my brother, because of Aydin,” I gritted out, “so you may as well exhale, because I won’t apologize for seeing something good in him. You did at one time, after all.”
She stood there, silent with a glimmer in her eyes, but her jaw flexed, and she didn’t budge.
Always strong. It was something I loved about her. He’d made her, too, after all. Even just a little.
“Now, may I please use someone’s phone?” I asked.
After a moment, Erika reached over and plucked hers out of the cup holder of the stationary bike and handed it to me.
“Thank you,” I said, backing out of the room and leaving them all alone again. “I’ll bring it back within the hour.”
• • •
I opened my eyes and stared up at the ceiling, blowing out a breath and shifting between the two huge bodies on both sides of me.
Too hot in here. Damn.
I looked over at Micah, seeing his face buried in his pillow, and then turned my head, seeing Rory. His blond hair covered his eyes and his arm was pinned under his head. Both men were shirtless, but they’d thankfully kept their pants on.
After I’d found a room and made my call with Erika’s phone, they pounded on the door, insisting to stay with me because the “pampered little know-it-alls who thought their shit didn’t stink aren’t getting a piece of you.”
As if Micah and Rory weren’t a little pampered themselves.
It was actually pretty adorable, though, and now we’re all cramped in my bed as the moon shone outside and the train vibrated under us.
To hell with it. I’d take all the friends I could get right now. I liked them.
Sitting up, I climbed over Rory’s body and gently stepped out of bed, looking down at the two beautiful guys and their sleeping forms. A serial killer on one side, and the son of a terrorist on the other. Man, my parents would be proud.
What were they both going to do after we got
to Thunder Bay? They couldn’t go home. Would someone be coming for them?
For Will?
Still in my jeans and shirt, I slipped on Alex’s sneakers and tied them up.
I left the room, steam from the heaters fogging up the windows, but I could see the rain splattering on the outside.
I needed food. I couldn’t remember the last time I ate, and now I wished I’d eaten that sandwich I’d made when I waited for the brownies to cook earlier today.
Or yesterday. It was probably after midnight now.
God, had I only made the brownies yesterday? Fixed the chandelier? Made love to Will in the shower? It seemed like so much had happened since then.
The kitchen was back by the bar car, and I still hadn’t seen Will since the confrontation in there earlier. Not on my search for a phone, not when I returned it to Erika an hour later, and not tonight as I’d smelled food being wheeled down the corridor and past my room, not stopping at my door, unfortunately.
It was weird. I’d only made one phone call with Erika’s phone. For some reason, I thought I’d have a lot to tend to, but after I called my firm and left a message, assuring them I was safe, I sat there at a loss of who else to contact.
I was of no concern to Martin, Grand-Mère was gone, and there was no one else. No friends, really. No pets to check in on. No man waiting for me.
I think I’d had a dentist appointment yesterday, maybe…
Heading down the next corridor, I approached the kitchen door, but heard a cry and halted for a moment.
“Oh,” she moaned.
I didn’t know if it was Erika, Winter, or one of the other girls, but hunger pangs wracked my stomach. I needed some food. Or a drink at the bar.
Tiptoeing down the passageway, I threw a quick glance through the kitchen door, seeing the naked back of Winter Ashby as she sat on the steel worktable in the dark kitchen, her arms around her husband.
“I love you,” she whispered as he kissed her neck.
Taking his face in her hands, she pressed her lips to his mouth, lingering slow and gentle before moving her kisses to his cheeks, nose, forehead, and temples.
He closed his eyes and smiled, breathing that short, excited breathing like he was riding a roller coaster.
My body warmed, kind of intrigued to see him like that, but I didn’t linger. Continuing past the door, I stopped at the end of the car, looking through the windows and seeing the bar full of people. Kai and his wife, Michael and Erika, and then Alex. Will and his cousin were still nowhere to be seen, as well as a couple of other men I saw helping them when we were rescued. I believe Misha had a woman with him when we boarded the train, as well, but I didn’t see her either.
The room was still dim, the cherry-colored sofas and chairs rich and warm against the wooden walls and the amber glow of the light.
Kai held the woman in his lap, smiling as she said something into his ear, and Michael reached around Erika, making her a mixed drink and adding far too much tequila. She laughed.
My gaze dropped to Alex who was sitting in a chair with her legs pulled up. She nursed a glass and stared at nothing out the window.
I fisted my hands. Aydin could be dead.
She’d never admit it, but I knew that was where her mind was.
Someone approached my back, but I didn’t have to turn around to smell the bergamot.
“Did you know about Aydin and Alex?” I asked Will, still staring at her.
“I knew what she told me,” he said. “I knew of him. Not his name.”
“He’s in love with her.”
“He can’t have her.”
I turned my head, tempted to meet his eyes, because the possessiveness of his words scared me.
But then he continued, “He’s bad for her.”
I looked at her again, seeing her how I never got to before. The couples surrounding her, in love, and despite the fact that she had Will to lean on, I’d never seen her so lost.
“And I’m bad for you, and you’re bad for yourself,” I went on, “and Damon’s bad for the world, and Martin is bad for me…” I twisted the handle, crossing cars. “The world is only so big, Will.”
We couldn’t shut out every single person who’d disappointed us. Some of them were still worth fighting for.
I entered the bar car, eyes turning up at me as I walked in, Will following me. “We should go back,” I told everyone. “To Blackchurch.”
“What?” Kai blurted out.
Michael scowled. “Excuse me?”
The door slid closed, and I made eye contact with all of them. “We should go back and get the ones we left behind.”
“We can’t go back,” Michael said.
“We can.” I nodded. “The locomotive goes in reverse.”
He rolled his eyes, and Kai stood up, his wife climbing off of him. “A security team will already be there. Going back puts Will at risk.”
“First of all, Aydin and Taylor are loose ends,” I told them. “You rescued Will under the assumption the other prisoners wouldn’t care. They do. I promise. And second, Taylor Dinescu can go fuck himself, but Aydin would be a useful ally. We need him.”
“You need him,” Alex retorted. “Aydin Khadir doesn’t deserve us. That’s the difference between you and me, Em. I can sacrifice what I want for the good of others.”
“And what do you think I did?” I fired back.
I wanted Will more than I’d ever wanted anything. I wanted it all.
I just didn’t want him experiencing the stress of my life. I was embarrassed. And I needed to protect my grandma. I fucking sacrificed.
I held Alex’s green eyes, seeing the pain in hers that I always felt in mine. She thought it was easy for me, because it was easier to believe that.
She knew better.
She pursed her lips, and I could see her trying to swallow, but she couldn’t. After a moment, she downed the rest of her drink and swiveled in her chair, looking over at Michael and Erika as she set her empty glass on the table. “Do you remember that pool party Michael and the guys took you to when you first moved to Delcour?”
Erika nodded, hopping off the stool and walking over to sit in the chair next to Alex.
“Aydin was there that night,” Alex told us. “He went to Yale with one of Michael’s teammates, and we hadn’t seen each other in a long time.” She paused, and I could see the memory playing behind her eyes. “The more I drank, the more I hated him, and the braver I got.”
Why did she hate him? I’d gotten pieces of a story at Blackchurch. He wanted her. He denied it, because of family pressure. She survived without him.
Alex looked over at me. “I was roommates with his girlfriend in college, you see?” she told me. “We played together one night while he watched us over Skype. That’s how we met.”
Played? I couldn’t imagine that. I couldn’t imagine Aydin in college. Experiencing youth like a real human.
I could see her, though. Performing for him. Taunting him.
“You should’ve seen his eyes.” Alex closed hers for a moment as everyone listened. “It was like he was in pain or something. I could almost feel his breath and the heat in his arms.” She opened her eyes, lost in thought. “And then a few nights later, he wanted me to himself, but when push came to shove, he couldn’t step up, and he chose her.”
I remained in my spot as Will dropped down into the sofa on my right.
Alex shrugged. “It was okay. He wasn’t mine to begin with. I had no right.”
Setting her glass down, she exhaled and continued, glancing at Erika. “The night of the pool party, I’d heard they weren’t together anymore, and when he couldn’t stop looking at me across the room, the stronger I got,” she told us. “But I wasn’t going to let him win. I wasn’t a dog, sitting there waiting for his affection.”
“What did you do?” I asked.
But it was Will’s voice I heard next. “You let me take off your top in the pool.”
Another man taking her top of
f in front of him…
“And he was watching,” I said.
Alex tipped her chin up, the pride covering up the pain from a few moments ago. “Life goes on,” she said, “and my bed wasn’t cold. I wanted him to know he didn’t matter, and I wasn’t ashamed of anything I’d done. He didn’t exist.”
And Aydin couldn’t look at her, but he didn’t want his fiancée anymore, either. He got sent to Blackchurch over it.
She looked over at Will. “Everyone looked at me. Your hands on me.”
“And then everyone else got naked in the pool,” Will continued.
Alex’s gaze drifted off. “And he watched me look at you and you look at me and knew that he’d lost.”
“And what did you win?” I asked.
Believe me, I knew something about staying on your feet and not letting anyone get the better of you, but she’d been hiding behind Will to fend off the loneliness and despair.
Because when they enabled each other in their vices, they felt accepted and didn’t have to face the harder road ahead.
That road was inevitable.
“Not everyone is born knowing their path is from point A to point B, Alex,” I bit out. “You and Will are the same. You sit up there on your high horse, all ‘love conquers all’ and shit, and refuse to understand that there are impossible choices others have to make, but it doesn’t mean we don’t love.”
My voice grew harder, and I glanced around the room and then back to Alex.
“Does it suck? Yes!” I yelled, feeling Will’s eyes on me. “But do you understand it? I know you do. Sometimes the uncertainty seems like more of a risk than just staying with what’s familiar. It takes time to grow that courage. Don’t you understand that?”
They could all do whatever they wanted in high school, and now years later in Thunder Bay, because Damon was right. The villain was just a matter of perspective. It was as easy as pie for them to judge me, because on the rare occasion they weren’t doing fucked-up shit themselves, they got these splendid little attacks of sanctimony when it came to anyone outside their little group.
“You’re so self-righteous,” I snarled, looking around the room. “All of you.”
Nightfall Page 49
