Harper took a deep breath and pulled her door open.
Ami ran past her feet and headed for the food bowl in her kitchen.
The hot-firefighter-jazz-musician-wannabe dad from across the hall was standing in her doorway looking the opposite of flirtatious and charming and laid back.
“I don’t suppose you know anything about why my fiancée snuck out this morning without waking me up after the hellish crap we went to bed with last night?” he asked, his eyes stormy.
She flinched.
She couldn’t help it.
It was the fiancée thing. That just drove it all home hard and fast, like a right hook to the jaw. It was ridiculous that she was even kind of, sort of, his fiancée. And after the news last night, she really didn’t need to be anymore.
It was also the way this was so like all the other times he’d come across the landing, knocked on her door, and asked if she knew something about what was going on in his life.
But it simply magnified the fact that she didn’t. She didn’t know crap about what to do about this situation.
The only good news in this mess was that she didn’t need to know how to fix it. James had never really needed her help, and he would just roll with this like he did everything else.
“I have to go to work,” she said simply.
“You couldn’t kiss me good morning and tell me that?” he asked.
She noticed his apartment door was open, so James could hear the baby, and she assumed that meant Isaac was still asleep. Good. She knew she couldn’t see him this morning. Not knowing that James was going to have to take him to meet Shelly. And turn him over to the State of Louisiana. Her heart felt like it was being shredded all over again. She hadn’t thought there was anything left to hurt. She’d had nightmares all night long after crying in James’s arms for almost an hour after Shelly and Lexi left.
“I knew you’d figure it out,” she said.
“What’s really going on?”
“You know what’s really going on,” she said.
She looked up at him. She was exhausted. She was feeling beat up. She was grieving. And she didn’t want to dance around all of this and pretend it was all fine or that everything would go back to how it had been. Everything was different now. She’d fallen in love—twice—in the span of just a few days.
She’d tried rolling with it. She’d tried just going with it and getting caught up in the adventure. She’d said yes to his proposal but mince! she’d made a plan. Automatically. The plan had been for them to be together, for it all to work out, for the happily ever after to happen. And now, surprise, they had something new to deal with, and the plan was all different again. She didn’t think she could keep up with this.
“I don’t,” he said. “I thought we were in this together.”
“There is no this anymore,” she said, throwing up her hands.
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“Isaac isn’t yours. He certainly isn’t ours. You are taking him to foster care today. So this”—she waved her hand between them—“isn’t a this anymore.”
“What did you think this was, exactly?” he asked, his voice low and almost ominous sounding.
Harper took a deep breath. “We were taking care of a baby together. We were planning for a future because we suddenly had a baby. Now… we don’t.”
“So everything else is just over, too?” he asked incredulously. “Nothing else means anything without him?”
“It doesn’t mean… the same thing,” she said truthfully. “It will go back to how it was before. Fred. Ami. All of… that.”
“I see.” The muscle along his jaw tensed. “So you’re not interested in fighting to get him back? In applying to be foster parents or to adopt him? You’re just done?”
She blew out a breath. She was interested in that. But it would take a lot of time, and it might be a long shot anyway. “You think that we should get married on the chance that they’ll let us have him?” she asked.
“Yes. Don’t you?” he asked.
Of course, he was ready to just dive in anyway. James always dove in. He didn’t worry about tomorrow. He was Mr. Right Now.
She took a deep breath. “Having a baby wasn’t part of the plan. Losing him once we had him certainly wasn’t part of the plan. Becoming a foster mom right now wasn’t part of the plan. Trying to become a foster mom to him and having that not work out”—she sucked in a breath as that painful thought went through her mind—“is not part of the plan.”
“What of any of this has been part of a plan?”
“Exactly.”
James gave her an exasperated but affectionate look. “You’re good without a plan, Harper. I know you don’t think so. I know you think you want binders and lesson plans and to know what’s going to happen two hours from now and tomorrow and next week and next year. But you can roll with it. You’ve been showing that over and over again.”
She was shaking her head by the time he finished.
“Listen, James, I think that you’re feeling a little guilty. For getting me all involved in all of this and then having it turn out like this. You’re a fixer. You came across my landing because you saw someone who you thought was lonely or needed to get out more or who needed, at least, to be flirted with a little. But you don’t have to feel responsible here. It’s not your fault this didn’t work out. I got caught up, and I’m sad and upset, and I’m going to miss him, but I don’t need fixing, and I don’t need an adventure. There doesn’t always have to be a dog, or a baby, or a mystery to solve, or a mission. This is all… chaos. It will always be chaos. And I don’t want that. I’m very happy with my books and my tea and my schedules and my classes. So you don’t have to worry about me. And you definitely don’t have to marry me.”
And while he was still, clearly, flabbergasted, she slipped past him and headed off for class, leaving her apartment wide open for him and their dog whining by the empty food dish.
James would take care of it.
That was what he did.
10
Four nights later, four bottles of wine later, four nights of crying herself to sleep later, there was a pounding on her door.
Harper glared at it.
She was mad at him for staying away for four nights. Of course, he’d worked two of those four nights. Still, James had left her completely alone. She hadn’t pegged him for the leave-her-alone type. Unless, of course, he realized she was right about everything, and he’d only been trying to fix the quiet, tea-drinking bookworm that he thought needed a little excitement and romance in her life.
She was also mad at him for not leaving her alone now. Because the moment she saw him, she was going to burst into tears. And probably climb him like a tree.
God, she missed him.
She missed Isaac. She missed Henry. She’d seen Ami, of course. But James had even been considerate enough to come and get the dog, and return him, while she was at class.
Things were pretty much back to how things had been before Isaac.
And it all sucked.
Turned out, she did need to be fixed. She needed to be dragged into adventures.
She didn’t want him to be considerate. She wanted him pounding on her front door, demanding she let him in, so he could tell her she was crazy and that he was madly in love with her, and he wasn’t just trying to take care of her, all while stripping her clothes off and putting her up against her front door.
Harper didn’t even bother to pull her glasses off or the tie out of her hair. She marched to the door and yanked it open.
But it wasn’t James.
Well, it wasn’t James that had been pounding on her door anyway. Because he was sitting on the ground, propped against his front door, looking exhausted, and very pouty.
The pounding had come from Caleb and Logan.
“I don’t suppose you would be able to keep that off the streets tonight, would you?” Caleb asked without even a hello. He jabbed a thumb in James’s di
rection. “He needs a babysitter, and we both have to work. I know you don’t want to talk to him, and hey, I get it, but seriously, he has to stay in tonight and get some sleep. He’s a fucking mess, and I’m gettin’ damned sick of him.”
She blinked at the big man, then at Logan, then peered around them at James again.
He did look like a fucking mess.
“What is going on?” she asked.
“He’s been out looking for Isaac’s mom,” Caleb said. “He’s tryin’ to figure out if someone he knows or he’s helped in the past had a baby recently they might have dropped off with him. He’s talked to a bunch of the homeless kids he helps out once in a while, talked to people he knows from the club, interrogated the firefighters, went through records of the fire calls we’ve done in the past few months, was harassing Lexi in the ER about medical calls we’ve done. She had to have security throw him out last night.”
“He was at Trahan’s tonight tryin’ to figure out if any of the people he’s met there have had a baby,” Logan added.
“Oh boy.” Harper sighed. Then she nodded. “Yes, of course I’ll take care of him. Bring him in.”
Caleb and Logan hoisted James to his feet and led him to her apartment. Harper stepped back to let them in. James's eyes were glued on her the entire time.
“Is he drunk?” she asked.
“No, actually,” Caleb said. They half-lowered, half-dropped him onto her couch. “Exhausted. I don’t think he’s slept more than three hours at a time over the past few days. The chief sent him home from the station the last night because he was clearly not worth a shit.”
Her eyes widened. “That can’t be good.”
“Nope. He’s in trouble. But he can’t handle that until all of this with Isaac is figured out, I’m guessing.”
James had his head tipped back against the back of her couch, his eyes shut. He hadn’t shaved in at least two days, he had dark circles under his eyes, and he was wearing jeans and a rumpled hoodie. He looked terrible. And wonderful. She’d missed him so much.
She missed Isaac, too. She ached with worry. But Shelly had told her he was with a very nice family with two little girls and that he was doing fine. He was healthy, sleeping well, eating well. The family was even interested in possibly adopting him. That made her ache even though she knew she should be happy. Isaac deserved a warm, stable family with sisters and a mom and dad and all of that. Harper still wanted him.
“You got this?” Logan asked, looking at her.
She nodded. “Definitely.”
“Call us if you need us,” Caleb said. “We’re headin’ to work, but you know how to get ahold of us.”
“I do.”
“Call me first,” Logan said. “I can get away easier than Caleb.”
It was true that leaving the bar, that he owned, would be easier than getting Caleb away from the fire station. “Got it.”
They left, and she closed and locked the door behind them. Then she turned and regarded James.
“Missed you, Professor,” he said, his eyes still shut.
“Missed you, too,” she confessed. She wasn’t sure she should. They should just cut ties. She didn’t want all the craziness James brought into her life. It was too hard. It was fun when it was fun, but when it hurt… it really hurt. He’d acknowledged, himself, that his life was crazy. He’d tried to give her an out. He’d told her she didn’t have to be involved with Isaac. Even he’d realized this wasn’t really her thing.
“Come here.” James held out a hand.
His head was still back, and she thought he was only minutes away from falling asleep. But she went. She slipped her hand into his, and he tugged her down onto the couch beside him.
“Isaac is okay,” she said softly, unable to keep from reaching up and brushing his hair back from his forehead.
“I know. Shelly called me.”
“So why are you killing yourself to find his mom?” she asked.
“Because I want him.” James took a deep breath, rolled his head toward her, and opened his eyes. “I want him, Harper. And I would have thought that it was because someone trusted me with him and wanted me to have him, and I like feeling like someone people can depend on that way—and that is true. But it’s also because I love him.”
Harper’s heart flipped in her chest. James wasn’t just accepting that Isaac was gone. He wasn’t just rolling with this.
He lifted her hand to his mouth and gave the back a little kiss. Then he linked their fingers, resting their hands on his thigh, looking at them. “I do want to take care of you, Harper. That is what took me to your door the first time. You’re right. I didn’t really realize that, but you’re right about that. I… thought you needed something. It was subconscious on my part, I swear. But yeah, I thought you needed something, and I couldn’t not try.”
She swallowed and nodded even though he wasn’t looking at her. “I know. It’s who you are. I wouldn’t really want you to change,” she said. The way he cared about other people and took care of things was one of the reasons he was most attractive to her. “You’re a natural-born hero, James.”
He nodded, running the pad of his thumb over the back of her hand. It gave her tingles, but it felt like more than desire. He needed comfort, and he was here with her. Yes, his friends had brought him here, but he seemed like he was relaxing, like maybe he was content to stay here and not beat the streets for information tonight.
“I’ve learned something, though,” he said after a long moment. “I like taking care of things with you even more than taking care of them alone. It feels good to have a partner. To have someone that cares about everything as much as I do.”
Harper felt her throat tighten. She swallowed. “Do I, though?” she asked quietly. “I don’t think anyone cares like you do, James.”
He looked up at her quickly. “Why? Because you don’t initiate it all the time?” he asked. “That doesn’t matter.”
“Doesn’t it? I’m not someone who jumps in. I can’t just go with whatever happens. I need plans. I need to think things through. I need to analyze and research.”
“Well, no. You don’t jump in, but you’re… a door opener.”
She shook her head.
“Yes. You are. I might be the one who knocks. But you opened your door to me. And not because I was a hot firefighter.” He gave her a little smile. “The first time you opened the door was because you thought I needed help and that the tree needed help because I didn’t know what I was doing. But you figured out that I didn’t really need help. You still kept opening the door because you wanted to.”
He paused. “You don’t charge in like I do. I sometimes even kick doors down—figuratively and literally. You’re softer about it. But you open doors for your students to explore new languages and places and stories. And now, you’ve seen a grittier side of it—drunk girls and stray dogs and lizards that need to be rescued and…” He took a deep breath. “Abandoned babies. You’ve seen tougher things. More real things. Raw things. And you’re fucking glowing, Harper. I’ve wanted you since I first saw you, but you’ve never been more beautiful than you are now that you’ve literally and figuratively flung your door wide open.” He paused and gave her a goofy grin. “That sounds dirty. I don’t mean it that way. Exactly.”
Harper tried to take a deep breath, but it lodged, almost painfully, in her lungs. She felt her eyes stinging with tears. No one had ever seen anything like that in her. “People always see me as classy and sophisticated and quiet and studious. Not someone who will get gritty and who will take chances.”
“Well, those people aren’t giving you a chance to take a chance,” he said simply.
She leaned in quickly and pressed her lips to his. She pulled back after only a moment, but he cupped the back of her head and brought her in for a longer kiss. Still, it was relatively chaste and sweet. When she did sit back, she said, “Thank you. For seeing what I could be—what I want to be—even if I’m not quite there yet.”
He gave her a soft smile and then leaned back into the cushions. “You’re there, Professor. Trust me.”
His eyes slid shut, and he took a big, deep breath.
“You should sleep,” she said softly.
“Yeah, maybe for a little bit.”
“Do you want to go to bed?”
“Yeah, maybe in a little bit.”
The next thing she knew, he was asleep. On the couch. Shaking her head, Harper got him tipped over and his feet up on the cushions. She took his shoes off and covered him with a blanket. If he woke up, he could come into the bedroom. She knew he’d know that was fine.
“Ami,” she called softly.
The dog came trotting over from his dog bed.
She patted the cushion beside James. “Keep him company, okay?”
The dog jumped up and curled up next to one of his favorite humans immediately. She patted the dog. “Good boy. Love you.” Then she smoothed a hand over James’s head. “Love you, too.”
She’d left again before he was awake, but this time she left a note.
Now she was ordering a chai latte with Celia before heading to class. Not because she needed a drink but because she needed her friend to tell her if James was right. Or not.
“He said I’m a door opener,” she said, watching the barista write her name on the side of the cup. “Do you think that’s true?”
“Skinny white mocha with whip,” Celia ordered, then she said, “I think so. Sometimes,” to Harper’s question. She swiped her credit card.
“Just sometimes?”
“Yeah.”
They moved down the counter to wait for their drinks.
“He said that he thinks I do it a lot. Sometimes in small ways, like with my students when I encourage them to try new things, but that now that I’ve seen the bigger ways, how rewarding actually opening my door and letting people and things in can be, I’m glowing.”
Celia looked at her, seeming to consider that. “You have definitely been happier. I thought it was the sex.”
Harper glanced around. No one was really paying them any attention. “Well, that’s probably part of it.”
Getting Off Easy Page 22
