by Ines Vieira
Mom, was the complete opposite, to me, looked almost like an angel. She had long straight blond hair and her petite frame was covered with skin that looked like precious porcelain. She was kind and never raised her voice at any occasion. My father on the other hand only had one volume – Loud.
She was at the cash register talking to a client when she saw me come in and my heart lit up. I came over next to her trying not to get in the way of what she was doing. She pulled my face down to her and kissed my cheek.
“How was your first day, Isaac? Did it go well? Were you able to get the classes that you wanted?”
“Yeah, mom, it´s all good. Everything was fine.” I said as I stared down the man that she was giving change to. He was taking all my mother´s measurements in one go, and I felt like punching him right there and then. If my father saw this, he wouldn´t let her return to the store and the idea of her alone with him at home, was something that I preferred to avoid. Especially while we are living at my uncle`s house.
“Hey buddy, you´re holding up the line, yeah?!” I scowled at him.
Now he sees me.
«Yeah scumbag, I´m right here! Take a good look at me before you think of undressing my mom in your mind, asshole! » He takes the hint and picks up his grocery bag and leaves the store. My mom also sees the silent exchange and sighs. I know what she´s thinking. That even though I hate my father, I have more of him inside me than I care to admit. I wish she didn´t think of me that way. It breaks my heart that she would even place me in the same vicinity as that bastard, but she´s my mother. She knows me inside out. It kills me. I try to cool myself enough that when I open my mouth to talk to her, she doesn´t hear the anger in my voice.
“So how was your day, mom? Tio treating you okay?” I ask as I walk behind her and start to rub her shoulders so that she can’t see my eyes and how pissed I still am.
“Yes, your uncle has been showing me the ropes all day. Your Aunt Annie even dropped by and took me out to lunch.” I don’t have to see her face to know that she is smiling.
“She says that your Grandmother Irene is waiting on you to give her a visit before the end of the week. You better make the time and visit her, son. Don’t make an 80-year-old woman leave the comfort of her own home just so that she can see her grandson. A grandson, mind you, that she hasn´t laid eyes on for over three years. You know how much she must have missed you,” she says sweetly, but I hear the direct order that is implied.
“Sure thing, mom. Promise that I´ll call her and see when I can drop by.”
“I doubt that you need to make an appointment with your own Granny, but okay. Please don’t forget to call her,” she says and plants a kiss on the hand that’s still rubbing her shoulder.
“Can you also check on your uncle for me? I think he´s in the back trying to sort out a new shipment that arrived an hour ago, and I haven´t seen him since. Can you please check on him and take Alex and Tony with you to see if he needs some help?” I nod and give her another kiss on her cheek and I see that her eyes also reflect the smile she has on. They are just a little less sad than usual. At least one of us was fitting back in. The jury was out on that one for me. I still felt out of place and I couldn’t shake the feeling. This was home, so why the hell did I feel like such an outsider all of a sudden?
I signaled over to Alex and Tony towards the back of the store so that we could help Uncle Carlos. On the way over to the store, they had been rambling about people I didn’t know and about crazy parties that I had never attended. It all felt very alienating so helping out at the store would be a welcomed diversion from actual conversation.
CHAPTER 3
CASS
As much as I tried I couldn’t fall asleep. I took a quick glance at my phone and saw that it was close to 1 am. I could feel Jess next to me sound asleep and saw Ronnie in her sleeping bag on the floor, equally enjoying her own slumber. Although comforting, the heat coming from Jess´s body next to mine, it wasn’t enough to calm my anxiety. All my thoughts went back to my mother.
I had told Nicky at lunch that I would end up sleeping over at Jess´s tonight and asked if he could not go out tonight so mom would have some company. As usual, when it came to my mom, he was unable to deny me. I could tell that he had made plans already with one of the girls at the lunch table. I saw the look of disappointment in her eyes when he told me not to worry and that he would go straight home after school. I was glad that he had chosen mom over his new conquest. Say what you will about my brother, but under all those dark clothes and sarcastic personality, he was a lover and not a fighter.
Jess and I went straight to her house and set up shop in her bedroom. I was relieved that she didn´t make us study in the dining room as we had done on so many other occasions. She said that the whole family seemed to be dropping by in installments to catch up with her uncle and Isaac, so it was going to be difficult to focus downstairs with all the commotion. When Ronnie finally made it with her sleeping bag in tow, it sounded like there was a small party downstairs. I was relieved that that was the most we discussed about Jess´s cousin all night. Mrs. S had brought us up grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner, and we were concentrating so hard, that half of mine ended up cold and inedible.
When we finally called it quits, it was half past 11 and all three of us were exhausted. While Ronnie and Jess were in the bathroom getting ready for bed, I called mom to say goodnight. She didn´t answer and immediately my anxiety went into overdrive. I called Nicky and he said that she had gone to bed early. Even though he didn´t come right out and say it, I could tell by his sullen voice that the evening didn´t go well and that he was also worried about her. She had peaks in humor recently. One day she was very withdrawn and the next she was her usual self. Lately, her sadness was starting to worry me even more. So much so, that tonight I was suffering a small case of insomnia.
I had to do something. So I got up from this blanket of small security and got out of bed, trying very hard not to wake any of the girls up. I found Jess’s pink robe behind her bathroom door and put it on. It smelled like strawberries. It smelled like Jess. This too, was a small comfort. Very slowly I made my way to the bedroom door as to not wake my best friends and closed it softly behind me. I think this is as quiet as I ever heard Jess’ home. I could even hear her father snoring from her parents’ bedroom down the hall. That brought a smile to my face. My father was also a very heavy snorer and I use to love listening to the sound. It meant dad was home and all was right in the world. But this was not my father and this was not my home. Nothing was right in my world.
Slowly I made my way downstairs to the living room. Maybe the night air would do me good. Maybe that would clear my head of all its loud thoughts. Jess’s house had one of those porch swings decked out with pillows and a blanket. We usually would come down in the morning from our sleepovers and sit there drinking whatever hot beverage was available at the time and talk. That sounded good to me now. I went into the kitchen and made myself some hot chocolate. I opened the front door with the warm mug in my hands when I saw that I wasn’t the only one that was still awake. Unfortunately I was not alone in thinking that sitting on Jess’s porch swing would help my restlessness.
Isaac was there looking at the stars. So far away were his thoughts that he didn’t even realize that I was there. I could turn back now and he wouldn´t be any wiser of my presence. Damn it. He was going to live here for a while and he was important to Jess. This would mean that I would need to get along with him somehow, whether I liked it or not.
“Hi... Couldn’t sleep either, huh?” I said looking down at him.
“Oh Hi.” The greeting came out small. As small as the look in his eyes. Sad eyes.
“Sorry, did I wake you? I didn’t think that I made any noise coming out here.” He made some room on the swing so that I could sit down. He had our morning blanket wrapped around his legs. I hesitated for a second remembering the last time we sat next to each other but then I decided to take a seat n
ext to him anyway. He freed some of the blanket so that I could also place it over my legs and I accepted it gladly.
“Oh no, you didn’t. I just couldn’t sleep. Still a bit wired I guess. What about you?” My voice was almost a whisper.
“Same. I’m not used to sleeping in a bed that’s not mine, I guess. Not used to a lot of stuff it seems,” he said looking up again at the stars. This was the first time I had actually seen Isaac pensive. From the few times that we have been in the same proximity today, he always seemed very nonchalant. Not now, though. It gave him a depth that I didn’t believe he had.
“I get that. It’s different when you’re surrounded by your own things, in your own room. Maybe in a couple of days, you’ll feel more comfortable.”
He gave a small smirk and turned from his perusal of the stars to me.
“Maybe you’re right. I don’t know. It just seems that everything is off right now. Or maybe it’s me.” I must have looked confused because he turned to face me with his whole body and put one arm on the porch swing, almost touching my back.
“It’s like this. Have you ever lived anywhere but here?” I shake my head indicating no.
“Well, maybe this is going to sound stupid then, but let me try to explain. I have lived here all my life. My family is here, my friends are here. Everywhere I go, there’s a memory linked to this place. I mean, for example, do you see that tree over there across the street? Well, I fell out of that tree when I was ten years old and broke my arm. I have a lifetime of memories here but now I feel like this whole place is alien to me,” he says exasperatedly. He continues talking, but now he is looking at his feet as if what he is about to say pains him and it will be too uncomfortable to say face to face.
“When we were down in Arizona, I was less than thrilled to be there. It didn´t help the fact that we were there because my grandmother was sick. Basically, these past years were a long goodbye, which sucks by the way. Long goodbyes are good for no one.”After he says this, and sees that it came out more heartfelt than he was comfortable with, he quickly puts back his imperturbable mask on.
“Then to add insult to injury, I had to attend high school. The kids on my street all knew each other since they were in diapers and the same went for the kids at school. I was the new kid and I stayed the new kid until I left. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I had friends, but the connection wasn’t the same.”
“And now after years of being homesick, after dreaming of coming back for so long, I don’t belong here either. I´m the new kid once again in a place that for me was once home. It’s not the same yet it’s still the same. I guess I’m not the same either.” As soon as he says this I see another layer of his hard shell unravel before my eyes and I start to wonder if this is the real Isaac and the boy I met this morning is just some persona he puts on as his own personal armor.
“I’m rambling, Cassandra. I don’t know what I’m saying. You don’t know me and I’m rambling like a lunatic.” He pulls his hair back with his hand and I see his shy grin and not his usual cocky smirk
“I guess sleep deprivation makes me vocal,” he says as if this will be enough for me to overlook what he had just confided in me. He smiles again but then he straightens up and looks at the stars once more as if all he has said was said to the wind and not to a living person. Me.
Unfortunately what he said hit a chord with my inner turmoil. Was that what my dad felt when he came home? That, although we were his family and this was his home, he somehow didn’t fit in anymore? Could that be the real motive why he went away so often; because he no longer felt like he belonged? That our family was now just a port for him to reminisce on the old days and who he used to be? I had no doubt that my father loved us but after hearing Isaac’s lamentations about feeling out of sorts to the place that he felt was home, made me wonder if this was what my father felt.
Always one foot out the door and never truly belonging to one single place? Realizing that the family he loves lives on without him. Could I blame him, though? Yes, I could. What did he expect to happen? That we would stay still like ice sculptures and not have any life experiences or growth until his return? Even ice melts. Did he think that Nicky and I would be the same people as when he last left? Did he think that none of this would have an effect on us? On my mother?
Yes, I could blame him. But for some reason, I didn’t.
ISAAC
«Shit! »
«Merda! »
She had gone quiet for a while now. I knew that I should say something, anything to recover from my sudden brooding outburst but I didn’t have any words left in me. I just needed some air from my suffocating state. I just needed to be alone for a minute outside where I could just watch the wind blow the leaves off the neighborhood’s trees and think about the simplicity of it all. I just needed to feel connected to something, since I felt so out of touch with everything else. Being out here looking at the enormity of that dark sky made me feel better somehow. Made me feel as my poor existence wasn’t that much of a big deal compared to the vast sky above me. I just needed a moment for me. I wasn’t counting on having company and I wasn’t counting on blurting all of that out either. And now, silence.
«Shit! »
«Merda! »
She hadn’t tried to fill in the silence either. Instead, she just sat next to me, looking up at the same stars with her own thoughts. Maybe I wasn’t the only one that needed a minute.
I suddenly recall how her first impression of me mustn’t be at all flattering, and how much of a dick I was this morning. Yet, she’s still here, sitting next to me after listening to my banter. She hasn’t said a word. No word of judgment and no word of comfort. But she hadn’t left either.
“Cass?” I asked but still looking up trying to avoid eye contact.
“Hum?” she said not moving an inch.
“I feel that I kinda have to apologize for this morning. I wasn’t exactly on my best behavior. Sorry if I acted like a dick,” I said again not looking at her, even though I felt her turn towards me.
“That’s okay. None of us are perfect. I’ll let you off with a warning this time,” I felt her grin. “But that’s it. I don’t have the patience to deal with scumbags, even if they are related to my best friend.” This makes me laugh and I turn to face her. Up close, she is even prettier than I remember from this morning. Her face is clean with no touch of any makeup, and her red hair is tameless like dark flames from a camp fire.
“Scumbag? Really? Is that how I came across?” I grin. “What could I have done that made you think that the first word to define me would be Scumbag? Please enlighten me.” I continue to laugh and feel that I am no longer as tense as I was five minutes ago.
“Oh, you know damn well how scumbagishly you were!”
“Oh, no I don’t. Please do tell! Otherwise, how will I know when I’m acting scumbagishly? Is that even a word?” She lets out a small giggle and it does something to me.
“Do you want that on your conscious, having me act like that and be none the wiser?” I continue laughing but have the sudden urge to sweep the hair that has fallen on her face and tuck it back behind her ear where it belongs. A face this lovely should never be covered up in any circumstance. She does it for me as if reading my mind.
“If you were that clueless, you wouldn’t have apologized, would you?” she grins again and, this time, sticks her chin out and looks up at the stars one more time as if she has just made her point very clear.
“Touché! Alright then, I’ll make you a promise. I’ll refrain from acting like a Big A. Well at least with you. I can't give the rest of the world the same promise.” I also turn to the sky, but mostly to avoid staring at her for too long. I was starting to get images of biting that enticing earlobe. That won't work if I want what I am about to propose to happen.“However to keep my promise, I will need help, won't I?
She turns again over to me, this time, looking perplexed. I turn to face her too, but this time, I cross my arms in front of m
y chest as if that will hold me in and lean back on the swing.
“I believe that you have come at a very opportune time, Miss Cassandra. As I have said, I’m kinda of a mess and as you have pointed out so eloquently, I come across a little more of a dick than I thought.” I give her my crooked grin teasingly.“If I’m going to make it back in Plymouth and not embarrass my family, especially the family member that you yourself have said to be your best friend, then I’m going to need some help. I’m going to need a friend in my corner that will remind me when I’m being a total jerk. Don’t you agree? So what do you say, Cass? Do you want the job? Friends?” with one eyebrow up, I lean in and offer her my hand to shake on it as if this is a business transaction, but I know that it's just an excuse to touch her. It’s her turn to smirk as she shakes my hand exaggeratedly.
“Well Mr. Silva, I feel obliged to take you up on your offer as I hate to see Jess roaming the school’s halls in shame.” When she smiles her dimples are even more endearing. “Somehow, I feel that you will be a handful, and I’ve just pulled out the short stick in this deal,” she smirks.
“Well let’s play it by ear, shall we?” I smile and start to stand up. “It’s really late and I’ve got to see if I can get some sort of sleep to be fully functional for day two at Riverside. See you at breakfast?”
“I’m going to have to miss breakfast in the morning. I still have to pick up Nicky for school,” she says looking up at me. I feel a small jab in my chest.
