by Ines Vieira
But I also knew that Quaid was one of the nicest guys in Plymouth. He was polite and had a good heart. Last year the center had needed some volunteers to fix the roof or they would have to close due to the rain. It almost seemed that it poured as much inside as it did outside the building making it impossible to keep the center’s doors open for the kids. Quaid talked his dad into putting a whole new roof at zero cost to the center. His dad owned a construction company so it was easy enough for him to do the job, but Quaid was there every day working too, making sure that he was offering his time and not only his dad´s money. I also knew that he volunteered at our church and was very involved in all their charity events. Jess could do worse than Quaid. There weren’t a lot of boys like Quaid Stevens. I doubt that there were enough men like him either.
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe Quaid will surprise her. He has more to him than just being a football player. He’s shy sure, but he’s sweet and kind. I hope that Jess is smart enough to see that Quaid is actually a nice guy.” I say, not taking my eyes off my tiramisu.
“Really? Do tell. How nice is he, Cassandra?” I feel him stare me down disbelievingly as I had just said the most outrage thing ever.
“Quaid’s nice. He’s been good to the center in the past. That’s all.” For the life of me, I have no idea why I’m blushing. Isaac is quiet for a while, which makes me nervous so I lift my head away from my desert and face him head on. His face looks like he is digesting this new information and I don't know what I'm supposed to think or feel about the look he’s giving me.
“I’ve been around Ronnie long enough to know that the woman thinks she is cupid reborn. Has she ever set you up with anyone? Quaid for example?” His voice is low but his tone is deadly serious. I can only laugh.
“Me on one of Ronnie´s matchmaking schemes? That would be a big fat no. Ronnie says that I have a ‘Look but don’t touch’ aura about me. So she has vowed that when I lose that, then she’ll set me up. I guess she’s right, though. I haven't dated much. I guess I must give out that vibe. But I also was never really into going out with a bunch of random guys for the hell of it. Making small talk the entire evening while thinking about having to kiss the guy goodnight, when in reality I had preferred to be with my friends at the movies or at home reading a good book. It just seemed like too much work. I already have enough of that in my life with trying to get into Berkeley. I don’t need to have the extra hassle just so I can seem like a normal teenage girl that spends all her time thinking about boys.” Isaac leans back into his chair and crosses his arms over his chest studying me. I continue to feel uncomfortable with how the conversation led to my dating life and pray that he’ll just let it go. He lets out a sigh and grabs his fork to take a bit of my tiramisu. Before I could protest, it’s already in his mouth.
“I feel the same way. Well, not the same way but similarly. I don’t think relationships work at all. I mean I haven't been as much of a recluse as you on that front but I don’t see the whole point of it either. If a girl’s cute enough then we’ll hook up, but I don’t see the point on actually going on dates and all that crap. We all know that relationships are a big trap that only lead to heartbreak, so why bother with the whole messy business? I’m more of ‘having fun while you can’ type of guy. Life has a way of kicking your ass on its own. Why give it the extra ammo of falling in love?”
“It's not the same at all. I just don’t think that at this time in my life dating is a priority. That doesn’t mean that when I’m, oh I don’t know, thirty-something that I won't want to fall in love. I mean everyone wants that right?” My voice sounds more critical than I want it to be, but I am in total shock. I knew he was a skeptic, but I didn’t realize how much until now. I mean I know that I have never been in love myself but that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in it. Knowing that Isaac can't even consider such a feeling to be a good thing, or maybe even exist, hurts me somehow. I don’t want to acknowledge the hurt or the inner need I have for him to believe in it.
“Not me. Love is for suckers and it fades sooner or later. That type of feeling is only an illusion. No one is as happy as they seem.” He smirks and leans in, placing his elbows on the table.
“Don’t believe me? Tell me one couple that you know of that are happy?”
“Well, Decker and Ronnie for one,” I say this time crossing my own arms across my chest as if proving a point.
“Oh please Cass. Those two are a ticking time bomb. They met freshman year, so they were what? Fourteen? Fifteen? Do you really think that you find the love of your life at that age? No, you don’t. And this whole going away off to college thing together is just delaying the inevitable. Either Ronnie will realize that she has only ever kissed one boy her entire life and that will totally be enough to freak her out or Decker will start doing the math that Ronnie can't be the only woman he ever sleeps with. My money is on Decker.” I’m disgusted that he can even think this way. He sees my reaction and doesn’t stop. His voice is as cold and unfeeling as the stare in his eyes.
“But please don’t stop there, I can give you more examples how relationships are useless and a total waste of time. Let's take my parents for instance. My mother met my father here at college when she was nineteen while he was working at a bar no less and fell head over heals. That is until she got pregnant and then that love that she swore she saw in my dad’s eyes every time he called her at 3 am to get some, quickly turned into the ugly thing I have to endure every day. But please let us not stop there. I mean look at your parents!” Before he is even able to say another word I get up from the table.
“Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare belittle the love my parents have for each other just because you’ve been dealt a shitty hand! You don’t know the first thing about my parents. You don’t know the first thing about anything that real! So, don’t you dare!” I feel tears in my eyes and I storm out of the restaurant not looking back even though I didn’t hear him call my name once. I guess it is possible to have a crappy night in the most romantic restaurant in town.
Especially if your date is a jerk like Isaac Silva!
ISAAC
I’m such an asshole! Why did I have to go off on her like that? Why couldn’t I keep by big mouth shut? Why? Because I was jealous, that’s why. The moment she started talking about Quaid, I felt as if the walls of the restaurant were coming down on me, suffocating me. I saw the tenderness in her eyes when she talked about him and my chest tightens in a way that I didn’t think was possible.
So what do I do? I push her. I push on the buttons that I know will hurt her. I push and I push until I see her break. I am my father’s son! I’m no good. I couldn’t cope with the idea that she could talk about anyone the way she did about Quaid so I did what was natural to me, I made her hate me.
I can still hear her words describing how sweet and nice he was and turn red remembering him. That soft voice should have been used to describe me not him. I don’t care how nice Quaid is. But who was I kidding? A girl like Cass deserved sweet. She deserved nice. A girl like Cass deserved more than nice. She deserved perfection. Someone that was flawless. The way I just treated her, the
way I always end up doing the wrong thing, Cass would never use that tone when talking about me. The thought of that broke me a little more. Even though I knew I was messed up and broken, Cass had the ability to make me think that I was whole.
What am I doing? I can't leave her to roam the town like this. I had to find her. Even if she didn’t want me to, I had to take her home. Even if the mere sight of me was enough to repulse her, I had to make sure she was okay. I was repulsed enough for the both of us anyway.
I left the money on the table, making sure that I left a good tip and ran to the front door. Only a couple of minutes had passed so she couldn’t have gotten far. Now, left or right? If she wanted to go home, she would have turned left. So right it is. I knew Cass well enough that when she was this angry or this upset she needed time to cool off. So going home in the state that I lef
t her was not an option. I ran down the Marina footway until I saw that auburn hair blow in the wind.
“Cass! Cass! Cassandra!” I yelled while running to her. She turned to face me, her face full of tears and shaking in the cold. If I had any doubts that I was scum, her face was all the proof I needed to know that that was true.
“What??” She howled and I knew that I deserved the look of fury those beautiful hazel eyes had never shown me before.
“I’m sorry. Jesus Cass, I am so sorry,” I mumble getting as close to her as she’d let me.
“Sometimes I don’t get you, Isaac! You seem normal, you look normal, we have a perfectly normal night out together and then you find a way to ruin it. I just don’t get why you do it. Do you like to throw people’s misery back at them? Do you get off on it somehow? What?” She continues to shake and I think it has more to do with how mad she is then with the cold Autumn air. “Are you so fucked up that you feel it necessary to pull everyone else down with you? Because I won't do it. I don’t have time for it or the energy to fight with you! So what is it, Isaac? Why did you feel it necessary to ruin a great night?” I run my hand through my hair, unsure of what I should say. The truth is out of the question, but her reasoning is spot on. I am fucked up.
“I’m sorry, Cass. I didn’t mean to ruin anything. I was having fun too. I always have fun with you. I’m sorry that I ruined it. I don’t know why I went there, with your parents. I’m sorry.” I feel shame. This feeling is new to me. I don’t do well with shame. Anger, frustration, hate, those I know by heart. I breathe them in and out every day. Shame is new and she sees it written on my face at once. “I am sorry.” I mean those three words with every breath that leaves my lungs. Seeing Cass’s eyes blotched red with tear streaks on those gorgeous cheeks is enough for me to feel as I don’t even deserve to be this close to her. But I also can't step away.
I get a little bit closer as I see that she has calmed down a little bit and I gain the courage to touch her chin and lift her eyes to meet mine. “I’m sorry.” She looks up at me with a nervous expression on her face and I see her bite her lower lip. I suddenly have the urge to bite it too. My heart is racing in my chest at the realization that we’re so close to each other that we are breathing the same air. With every exhale, I breathe her air back in and all I want to do is go directly to the source and get my air straight from her mouth.
Before I lose my mind and do something as insane as leaning in closer to her lips, I pull her to me and just hold her tightly, placing her head on my chest. I kiss her head as a poor substitute of those tantalizing lips. “I’m so sorry, Cass.” I close my eyes so they don’t give me away. I feel her relax and lean into me more. I feel her arms around my waist and her closeness doesn’t have the same relaxing effect on me as I apparently have on her. I have never had Cass in my arms before and I can’t figure out how I have lived all this time without her embrace.
«Shit! Merda! » This will not do! I try to summon thoughts on the most revolting things ever. Like eyeballs or something boring as Mr. Wilson’s class just so that I can try to avoid the real thoughts that are going in my head.
«Her hair smells like jasmine and lavender»
Algebra and Calculus homework
«Her body is softer than I imagined»
Tony and Alex´s burping marathon.
«Her skin is as smooth as silk»
Shit! It isn’t working! Think clowns! Think ugly, out of your mind scary fucking clowns! Do it! Do It! I count to ten and am able to step back and deal with the mess that I have done without the added temptation of having her so close to me. I put a lock of hair behind her ear so that I can see if she has forgiven me for being such a dick. “Are we friends again?” I say but the word friends seems wrong to me now.
“Yes, Isaac. Friends.” She gives me a small smile and lowers her eyes to the ground. I have never in my life thought the word friend coming from a girl’s mouth could hurt me. Until tonight. I swallow hard and put my arm on her shoulder. “Can I take you home now? It’s late and we’ve had a long day.”
“Sure Isaac,” she says and starts walking back with me to my car. She doesn’t remove my arm from her shoulders and I don’t remove it either. We walk in silence all the way back which is exactly what I need right now. I’m trying to sort out all the thoughts in my head before I even attempt talking again.
“Jess’s parents,” She says softly
“What?”
“You forgot about Jess’s parents. Do they look like they’re not happy? Do they look like they are wasting their time being with each other?” she says, but I don’t hear the bitterness in her voice. No. I hear hope.
“You’re right. Uncle Carlos and Aunt Annie are the exception.”
“The exception?” She stops and looks up at me trying to read my eyes to see if I’m being mean again. But I’m not. I’m just being honest. I place my hand on her cheek.
“Yes Cass, the exception. Finding your soul mate sounds very rare to me. Doesn’t it to you?” She takes my hand away from her face but doesn’t let it go. Instead, she gives a small gentle squeeze.
“Rare…yes, but not impossible.” And with that, she makes her point and leads me to my car satisfied.
CHAPTER 10
CASS
It’s almost noon and I am still in bed staring at my ceiling. I’m wide awake yet I can’t stop daydreaming. I’m perfectly content just laying here and replaying last night’s events over and over in my mind. Not fighting with Isaac. That part sucked. But the makeup part didn’t.
At first, I really didn’t want to forgive Isaac at all for the way he had acted in Sammartino´s. He had been rude, obnoxious and plain mean. I hate that side of him, and I sure as hell didn’t like learning that he thought relationships were just a big waste of time. What I did like was the way he wrapped his arms around me afterwards. What I liked was that he apologized and brought me closer to him. We had never been that close before. The way he had kissed my hair and touched my face made me melt even more in his arms. The way my body fit perfectly against him. That’s what I can’t get out of my head. Those are the thoughts that I keep replaying over and over. How gentle he was, how warm he felt. How could he be such a pompous ass one minute and then so gentle the next?
I had to get up and I had to get a grip. I’m acting like those teenage girls that Jess is always making fun of. This staying in bed fantasizing about Isaac had to stop. This had heartbreak and major damage control written all over it. No. This will not end well if I continue to fantasize about those clear starry eyes. Especially after all the things, he said at dinner. Isaac made it perfectly clear that anything more than friendship was not on the agenda for him. Hook-ups, yes. Relationships, no.
His little rant had enlightened me to that fact, at least. And was that really a bad thing? At least, he was honest. When I recall what he had said about Ronnie and Decker, I have to admit that I thought something similar when they told me that they were going to college together. I didn’t get it. College is meant to find out who you are and meet new people and try new things. How were you supposed to do that if you went with your high school sweetheart? Wasn’t Isaac right about that? Is it really plausible to meet the love of your life as a teenager when you have never really been out in the world? I have to admit that I didn’t think that it was. But then I think about Jess’s parents. They were high school sweethearts and they’ve been happily together all these years. Even my mom and dad met when they were still teenagers in college freshman year and if it wasn’t for dad’s job they would have been stuck to the hip. But they’re not. Instead, my mom is probably stuck in her room right now numb. Maybe Isaac is right. Even if you are lucky to find your soul mate, that doesn’t mean that it won’t suck in the end either way.
Once I finally leave my room, I see that I was right. My mom is stuck in her room again. To get her out of bed, I try to bribe her with food or a walk. I even try asking her to go with me to the movies or the library, but nothing work
s. She just says that she feels under the weather again and that she just needs to sleep it off.
Defeated, I leave the house in search of anything that can take my mind out of the deterioration of my mother’s self-esteem and mental health. Nick had already gone out with his friends. Last night when I had gotten home, he hadn’t been home either. Lately, he’s also been M.I.A. Seeing mom this way is even harder on him. They have always had such a special connection that at times even I’ve been a little jealous. Mom always knew exactly what to say to Nicky and he always knew exactly how to make her smile. Now, my mother hardly talks to either of us, and Nick feels like he’s failed her somehow.
The youth center is closed so I’m limited on what to do today. I could stay at home and work on something for the school’s blog, but that puts me back in the place that I actually want to escape from. I could do it at the library though and then afterward, drop by Jess’s to see how her double date went yesterday. A little piece of me knows that this is probably an excuse to see Isaac too.
I get my bike from the garage and am already mentally preparing myself for an afternoon dedicated to research and writing, at least, one printable piece of news and then as a reward to drop over to my best friend house in the hope of seeing those angelic blue eyes. I’ll do damage control tomorrow.
When I get to Jess’s house, I learn that both Isaac and his mom are at Mr. S.’s store so that he could have an afternoon off. I have to admit that not seeing him today disappoints me more than I thought it would. We’re in Jess’s room and I try to get her to tell me how last night’s double date went but all she can do is rant over the movie they watched.
“I’m serious Cass. If I see another movie where the actress has to play the hopeless, brainless bimbo that can’t do anything unless it’s with the help of the big gorilla they cast as the leading man, I will shoot myself! I mean why the hell are there still characters like these in movies? For crying out loud!”
