by Ines Vieira
“Sure babe. Get some rest and we’ll see each other at school tomorrow. Don’t worry about Isaac. I’ll tell him that you no longer need his chauffeuring services. Sweet dreams, babe.” I switch off my phone and fall on my bed. How was I ever going to fall asleep like this? My head was swimming with too much information and my heart was too wounded to help. I felt incapacitate to bring my father home. I felt useless bringing any type of joy to my mother and my own feelings were as uncontrolled as I was. I knew what happiness looked like and it ached that I couldn’t reach it. I couldn´t make it happen for my dad and my mom. I couldn´t make it happen for Isaac and me. To add insult to injury, I couldn´t even make myself fall asleep either. So I switched off the light and continued to stare at the ceiling until one of us wins out.
Insomnia and I would battle each other tonight. From the looks of it, insomnia held the better punch
CHAPTER 13
CASS
The morning passed in a total blur. I had no recollection of getting to school even though I am almost sure that Nicky´s friend talked to me the whole ride here. Morning classes came and went and I couldn’t for the life of me recall one single word that any of my teachers said. I’m numb because I know that I have decided that what happened yesterday afternoon cannot happen again. Having Isaac these past couple of months has been the one thing that has kept me together. I know that if he hadn’t appeared that I would be spending every waking minute freaking out about what is happening in my own home. With Isaac, I’m able to breathe. Mind you I’m still a mess and racking my brain every 10 seconds on how I can help my mom with whatever she is going through and if Isaac hadn’t come into my life, I think that I would be a drooling head case by now.
I’ll talk to him at lunch. I’ll find a way for us to be alone and just tell him that what happen yesterday in the gym, well it can’t happen again. It´ll confuse things and we have too much of a good thing going. I will not let my crush affect us. But maybe talking to him about it will also make it weird, won't it? I mean it was just a kiss. He didn’t mean anything by it. So why bring it up?
«Because it meant something to me»
My consciousness was not having a day off; it seemed and would not let me forget just how much that kiss had really meant to me. But apparently not to Isaac. That is what I needed to focus on. I wouldn’t have to talk it to death because in his mind there was nothing to talk about. I was the one that needed to forget. I was the one that needed to be reminded of the boundaries that we had, not him. Friends. How can such a great word feel so terribly wrong?
I wasn’t even hungry so a grabbed a bottle of water, a fruit plate, and one chocolate chip cookie. I’m sure that´s enough of a calorie intake to get me through the rest of this horrid day. I saw that Ronnie, Decker, and Jess were already at our table. But no Isaac. Was he sick? He hadn’t tried to call or text since last night. I had assumed it was due to the awkwardness that was palpable on the drive over to my house from the center yesterday. But could he be ill?
As I sat down next to Jess, I saw that illness was the furthest thing from an explanation why Isaac wasn’t at our usual table but I sure as hell felt like I was coming down with something. He was over sitting at Ronnie´s cheerleading squad table and apparently in great spirits. The whole table was laughing and giggling like a pack of hyenas. I felt a small thorn grow in my chest. Prickling over and over, with each and every high pitched giggle.
I had lost all that remained of my appetite. Even for the chocolate chip cookie. I twisted the top of my water bottle instead and tried very hard not to look at the brunette twirling her hair and making puppy eyes at Isaac. I knew who she was. Lily Easton. Up to this day, I always thought that she was cute and sweet. Maybe a little too bubbly for my taste, but sweet, nonetheless. As I stare at her, I watch her make clumsy attempts at touching Isaac’s biceps and I feel the need to carve her eyes out with a spoon. «You stop this nonsense this second! You’re not ‘that’ girl! »
I bite my inner cheek to hide my ugly thoughts. I’m not that kind of girl. I don’t tear down other girls because of a boy. A boy that has been nothing more than a great friend to me. I have no right of claim here. This isn’t the middle ages! He can go out with whomever he wants, flirt with whom ever he wants. This shouldn’t affect me whatsoever. Especially since I had come to terms with us only being friends. Lily is a great girl, he’d be lucky if she went out with him. «Snap out of it! » Someone had just hit me with a paper napkin right on the cheek. I guess my face is still a total blank, otherwise, they would have seen that I was in no mood.
“Hey Cass, so what’s that about huh?” Decker asks but not before tilting his head at the precise table that I’m trying to avoid.
“Huh? What do you mean?” I say while completely doing an autopsy on my cookie.
“What do you mean what do I mean? Hello? Dude’s not even into sports and all of a sudden he is talking shop with the team and picking up cheerleaders. What gives?”
“Isaac likes sports,” I mumble still fixed on my surgery.
“Huh, playing dodge ball with a bunch of kids at the reject center doesn’t count,” Tony says as he sits down at the table and slams his tray beside me.
“Really classy, apeshit! Idiota!” Jess says throwing the rest of her apple at her cousin.
“Just saying!” Tony continues, cleaning what’s left of the apple off his jacket.
“No, but really Cass. Don’t you think this is a bit odd? Isaac´s been here for two months now, and only now he’s trying to get some? Ronnie’s been trying to set him up for weeks and nothing. I thought you two were thick as thieves. What made the guy go from anti-social to Mr. Congeniality all of a sudden?” I feel Jess’s eyes on me, but I continue to look at the shattered cookie on my plate. Ironic, really. I butchered this harmless cookie the same way I felt my heart was being hacked off bit by bit.
“You guys are such morons. Isaac has always been social. He’s friends with you fools isn’t he? It just took him a bit to get his groove back that’s all.” Jess says trying to move the attention away from me. “I mean I know you don’t have a lot of brain cells in that head of yours Tony, but you remember how Isaac was before he moved? Right?”
“Ahahaha! Funny prima!” Tony smirks and starts to wolf down his sloppy joes. Even though his mouth is still full of food he continues to talk.
“It’s true Deck. The dude was a total chick magnet. Had a new one every week. They couldn’t get enough of him! Guess he got sick and tired of being celibate!” I literally see pieces of meat and ketchup flying from his mouth. “About time, if you asked me! If Isaac is truly back, by the end of the week, his back seat will be in and out hotties!”
“Nice!” Decker's fist pumps Tony. I feel like throwing up. Unfortunately, the only thing that would come up would be water and the banana mom made me eat before I left home this morning.
“Really, Decker? Nice?! I didn’t know I was dating a Neanderthal!” Ronnie elbows Decker in the gut and storms off down the cafeteria.
“Baby, I was just kidding. Baby?” Decker yells following her but not before eyeballing Tony as if he was to blame.
I can’t handle being here any longer. Not so close to the mini parade that those girls are throwing for Isaac and not at same table as his cousins that know what will happen next. Ignorance is bliss and, as they say, out of sight out of mind. So I’m picking both proverbs and getting the hell out of this cafeteria ASAP.
“Guys, I’m not feeling too good. I’m just going to pop by the nurse’s office. See you later, okay Jess?”
“You sure, babe? You want me to come with?” I see compassion in her eyes as if to say she knew that this would happen sooner or later.
“No worries. I’ll be fine.” My mind was so over the place that I didn’t even take my tray with me as I left that spectacle behind.
As promised, I did go to the nurse’s office. Mostly because I knew that our school nurse, Ms. Sabowski, wouldn’t know what to do with me and afte
r I barfed what little food my stomach had in her waste bin, she would want me out of her office as fast as humanly possible. If Ms. Sabowski couldn’t put a band-aid on it or treat it with Tylenol, she would give us a note to go home. Home was exactly where I preferred to be. It was lousy timing that I didn’t have my car with me, but Ms. Sabowski didn’t know that. I told her that I had already called my mom and that I was okay to drive home. Her inability to do her job well made her very accepting of any and all suggestions on my part. Which, of course, I knew would be the case beforehand.
Ronnie had given me this piece of information early on in the school year. Apparently Ms. Sabowski was not a real nurse, but just filling in until the school could afford one. She had actually applied to an ad in the newspaper for a librarian position at Riverside, but once our previous nurse got fired after being sued for negligence, they offered this job as an alternative. Apparently last year, a kid had come in with stomach pains and the nurse at the time thought it was just an excuse to ditch school. It seemed that this kid did this quite frequently and so the only time that she said that she wasn’t going to send him home or even to the hospital because she knew it was a scam, the kid ended up screaming bloody murder for someone to help him. When they finally did take him to the hospital, they found out it was freaking appendicitis! What were the odds?!
Ms. Sabowski was probably only ten years older than me so she should see this type of con a mile away. However the fear of getting sued and fired was greater, so if it wasn’t a paper cut or menstrual cramps, you were free to go.
With no car and no ride, the only thing that I could do was walk home. By car, it was about a ten-minute drive. On foot, though, it was a healthy half hour. It was still the middle of November and the first snows hadn’t fallen yet. It was actually pretty nice weather. The sun was out, although I felt the cold wind on my face. It was warm enough that the wind felt invigorating. As I made my way down the path that would finally lead to my street, I saw that some people had their Christmas decorations up already on their lawn. Thanksgiving was only a week away, but I guess for some people it’s never too early to celebrate Christmas. It hadn’t even occurred to us to get the decoration from the garage, let alone set everything up. I would have to find some time this weekend to do that. Maybe seeing our family’s Christmas decoration would lighten mom’s spirits. Tomorrow would start our town’s Thanksgiving festival, but I knew mom wouldn’t go. This year she could only handle one day of thanksgiving without dad. I don’t think that she could endure a whole weekend of celebrating a holiday without him but if I got our Christmas ornaments out, maybe that would remind her that in no time dad would be with us. That our family would really be whole again. Even if only for two weeks.
When I got home, I would have to remember not to go overboard on why I’m not in school. No use in getting my mother riled up just because I couldn’t handle seeing Isaac flirt with a table full of cheerleaders. If I had any doubts that that kiss had meant anything to him, even if only a small smidge of meaning, then that display in the cafeteria made sure that those doubts were crushed to a pulp. As I made my way up the stairs, I heard crying.
Mom.
I quickly opened the door and see that my mom is sitting on the living room floor with her hands on her face sobbing quietly and still in her nightgown.
“Mom?” I moved closer to her and knelt down next to her on the shaggy cream carpet. “Mom what’s wrong? Is it dad? Is he okay?” I asked worried, wondering what could have possibly happened, that my mother is convulsively sobbing her eyes out. “Mom, you’re scaring me. Is dad okay?” my voice is a little too stern for my liking. She holds on to me as if to balance herself out and indicates that I should help her up to sit on the couch. She calms down a little bit, and I clean her tears away from her pale face.
“Dad is fine, honey. I’m fine. There’s nothing to worry about.” she says giving me a weak smile.
“But mom, you’re crying. Something must have upset you. Talk to me mom.”
“My sweet Cassandra” She touches my face, and I realize that I’ve been crying too all along. “Oh Cass, please don’t cry. I didn’t expect you to be home already. Everything is fine, my love. Is your brother with you? I didn’t realize it was so late. Please don’t cry, sweetheart.” It’s her turn to clear my tears away and she hugs me next to her as we both sit on the couch. I just want to stay like this. Here in my mother’s arms. I don’t know what’s going on and I wish she would tell me. Every time I see her cry or see the evidence that she has been crying, it eats me inside.
“Mom, what can I do? How can I help?” I look in her eyes. Those beautiful sad green eyes. I wish I could make her pain go away. I wish I knew how. I feel so helpless, so useless. I can’t bring her any joy, any comfort, and as much as it shames me, I resent my father for it. The man that I love more than life itself is causing this pain. He should be here to witness what he has done to my mother.
No, that’s not right. My dad hasn’t done anything. My mom is the one that all of a sudden is no longer the strong independent woman that she was, and now I’m blaming him for her feelings of loneliness. It’s not fair to him. As I stare into my mother’s eyes, I really don’t care about being fair. My mother doesn’t deserve to live this way. My mother deserves happiness. If there is a soul that’s good, that’s pure, that is the woman holding me to her bosom. She should not have to suffer this pain a minute longer. There must be something that I can do. There must be.
“Cass honey, I really don’t want to worry you. Everything is fine. I’ve talked to your dad. He’s confirmed that he will spend Christmas break with us and has already bought his plane ticket. That’s wonderful isn’t it?” She gives me that small smile again and grabs my face in her fragile hands. “Now as you know, I haven’t been myself as of late. So I have booked an appointment with our family doctor and I asked your father to come with me. I don’t want you to worry my love, I just think it's best that I see someone.”
It is serious. As much as she is trying to sugar coat it and make me feel that I shouldn’t worry, my whole body is in a state of concern. I should feel relieved that she has finally decided to see a doctor, but instead I’ve never been more scared in my life.
“I can go with you,” I say meekly as I feel my tears fall on her lap.
“I know you can sweetheart. I know you can but you shouldn’t have to.” She kisses my forehead and hugs me tighter. All I want is to stay still right here with her and never let her go. I put mom to bed as she was completely drained. I rested beside her until I feel her breath even out in her slumber. She didn’t even notice that I had come home earlier than I was supposed to, and I felt no need to alarm her with my petty bullshit. Mom didn’t need that right now.
I decided to take the car over to Mechanic Pete´s earlier than I had planned. Maybe I would still get it back today. I got in and hoped that it would show life in it to get me across town to where the garage is. As if God himself had heard my prayers, my little Toyota Corolla made it the whole way.
Pete was already expecting me. Mom had made good on her promise and told him that I needed to fix this car ASAP. Pete knew my dad from high school so I knew my car was in good hands. I knew that he was a little surprised that I just didn’t wait for my dad to fix the car since he was as good a mechanic as Pete, but when I told him that dad was still away and would probably only be back by Christmas break, he gave it no more thought. Pete tried to explain what was wrong with the car, but as usual, I zoned out. My dad also had tried to explain cars to us kids when we were younger. Nicky paid attention, I spaced out. Cars were definitely not my thing and all I really wanted to know was when I could pick it up.
“Well Cass, since Jules doesn’t drive and she relies on you and this little bugger a great deal, I’m going to try to get it back to you in a couple of hours. Think you can come back around maybe 6 this afternoon?” Pete asks as he wipes some oily grease on an old cloth, reminding me of every movie I have ever seen with a me
chanic in it.
“Sure. I’m just going to go for a walk and then I’ll come back around six.” I try to smile, even though my insides are still raw.
“Well, it’s a nice day for it. You should go over to the beach. It’s only about a 10-minute walk from here and it should be nice there today. No one goes to the beach this time of year except to walk the dog or fly a kite, so you should be in fine company.” He winks.
“I might just do that.”
ISAAC
I was a complete wreck. I felt that someone had grabbed my air pipes and were holding them for ransom the next time I saw her. Before class, I had seen her in the parking lot coming out of a silver Sedan. Nicky and one of his girlfriends were feverously debating on one thing or another, but Cass was just standing there looking completely indifferent. Apathy was not something that I liked to see on her face. She was always so alive to me, it seemed that she brought color to everything. Looking at her then, she seemed grayer and less vibrant than her usual rainbow self.
I had convinced myself that in order to keep my friendship with Cass, I would need to take out my frustrations on someone else. I know that if Cass even imagined that I thought this way, she would try to remind me that I’m not that guy anymore. But right now, being that guy was exactly who I needed to be. I didn’t ask Ronnie for any help. I didn’t want it to get back to Cass that I was looking, especially since I had just kissed her yesterday. I knew that she would come to that conclusion at lunch anyway.
It had been easy. Just like riding a bike. I sat down at Ronnie’s squad’s table and introduced myself saying that it was long overdue. The girls did the rest. They chattered and giggled and asked me about Arizona and all the boring stuff that I expected to get. There was one girl that was trying harder than the others. She was a gorgeous brunette with pouty lips and long eyelashes. I gave her all my one-liners and the response was immediate. By the end of lunch, she had her hand on my thigh and her number on my phone. All I had to do was call. But all I could think about was Cass.
