by Ines Vieira
I place my phone on the nightstand and get into Cass’s bed. I know that the right thing to do was sleep downstairs in the couch. I just couldn’t bear the thought of her being up here alone when she needs me most. I try to give her her space, but she turns over to me and places her head and hand on my chest. Her eyes are still closed shut, so I don’t say a word. I know that right now what she needs from me is just to be here and hold her close. That and silence. Her thoughts must be loud enough.
Everything seems to make sense to me now. Her crying at the beach, her unwillingness to invite me into her house, her sudden dark moods of apathy. Her mom is going through something and she hasn’t a clue how to help. She didn’t want anyone to know what was going on but after tonight, she wouldn’t be able to protect her mother anymore. My uncle was right. Cass’s mom needs to see a doctor, a shrink, whatever to wake up from this, whatever this was. I’ve felt depressed in the past. I knew that that feeling sucked and it wasn’t healthy. But I never suffered from depression. I think being depressed at some point in your life is only normal, but suffering from that affliction, that must be terrifying. Especially for two kids, like Cass and Nick who love their mother the way they do must have been one of the most terrifying things they have ever had to go through. Are still going through.
I feel a tear on my chest and it breaks my heart that all I can do is be here. I stroke her hair just as her mom had done in the car, but words fail me. I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how to protect her from what she is feeling. I feel powerless and unworthy to be here all at once.
“It was a good day today, you know? It started off really great. How the hell did it turn out like this?” She says softly. I pull her up towards me so that I can look in her eyes. They’re puffy and red and her face looks distraught. My chests tightens watching her pain.
“I promise you, you and your family will overcome this Cass. Have faith.” She gives a shy smirk. Here I am, the eternal skeptic telling her that everything will be fine. Telling her to have faith. I see how ironic it may sound to her ears. I kiss her forehead and place her head back on my chest. She nestles closer to me. After a few minutes, I hear her breath evenly and I know she has finally fallen asleep, probably due to sheer exhaustion. This was not the way I imagined that my first night sleeping with Cass would be like. A few hours ago I would have given anything to be in her bed, having her all to myself. To have her so close to me, so vulnerable in my arms. But never in a million years did I ever wish that it was due to her own suffering. Never did I imagine that this night would end like this.
Never in a million years did I imagine that this would be the night I would realize just how much in love with her I truly was.
CHAPTER 15
ISAAC
“What the hell happened last night?!” I wake up startled by Nick’s angry voice and stare. I look over at Cass who has already jumped out of the bed and is putting on a pair of yoga pants. Cass is equally mortified as I am from her brother’s intrusion.
“Can one of you please explain to me why Jess’s mom is in our kitchen with another woman wanting to talk with mom?” Nick yells.
Shit, my mom is here. Merda! She was probably expecting to see me sleeping on the couch and now she’ll think I came over with other intentions. Shit! I’m putting on my clothes as fast as possible, while Cass is going over last night's events with her brother. Nick is pissed. I’ve never had too much contact with Cass’s younger brother but I recognize full-fledged anger when I see it. The dude is fuming.
“What do you mean she left the house to go and find you? You were supposed to be HERE, Cass!!” Nick continues to whale on his sister, and I can't take it anymore.
“Nick just calm down okay? It wasn’t Cass’s fault.” He looks at me like he’s about to punch me in the face for butting in. He takes a deep breath and pinches the top of his nose.
“Fix it Cassandra, or I swear to god…” he grinds his teeth at her and storms out of the room the same way he stormed in. Cass is already fully dressed and follows her brother downstairs. I silently follow Cass thinking about how the hell I’m going to explain sleeping with Cass, all night, to my mother.
My mom and my aunt are sitting in the kitchen waiting for us, each with a mug of coffee that I doubt Nick provided in front of them. They’re talking softly and stop immediately when they see us enter. I feel the hair on my neck stand up when I see my mother’s face. I can’t figure out if she’s mad or worried, but I think I sense both when we finally make eye contact. Yep. I’m screwed.
“Good, you’re awake.” My aunt Annie says, offering a small smile to all three of us. “Cassandra, have you checked on your mother yet this morning?”
“I have,” Nick says in a stern voice. “She’s asleep still, so I doubt that she’s in the mood for company.” Cass looks at her brother with an accusing look but he just shrugs it away.
“I think that maybe your little house call should be done at another time. We’re not much for visitors” His tone is aggressive and just looking at him; he seems like an angry bear protecting his cubs from certain slaughter.
“Nicky!” Cass says trying to pull back Nick’s utter contempt for this visit.
“Pay no mind to Nicky, Mrs. S. He isn’t a morning person.” Yeah like that’s why he’s pissed. I don't have to say that out loud to know that’s what everyone in this room is thinking. Nick just lets out a smirk to confirm what we already know. My aunt and mother’s presence in this house is undesirable, to say the least.
“That’s okay, Cassandra. We won't be staying long.” My aunt isn’t taken aback by Nick’s demeanor but seems to understand him perfectly.
“Cass, Nick, would it be alright if I could see your mother for a moment? I promise that I only want to make sure that’s she’s okay.”
“She’s fine.” Another stern response from the alpha male of the house.
“I don’t doubt that Nicholas, I just want to talk to her. I think that maybe your mom needs to talk to a friend.” My aunt’s eye’s are still calm and comforting. There is no menace in her voice, and I know that she is genuinely here to help Cass’s mom any way she can.
“I’ll take you upstairs, Mrs. S,” Cass says and gives Nick a step aside look. Nick doesn’t look like he wants to budge but Cass stares him down until he finally gets out of the way so that both of them can go upstairs and see for themselves how Cass’s mom is doing. Nick still looks like he might explode at any minute.
“I’ll be outside,” he says before making his way to the front door and slamming it behind him. I’m left alone with my mother in Cass’s kitchen and she gestures me to sit down opposite her. She takes a sip of her coffee and waits for me to talk first.
“I know what you're thinking, Evelyn.”
“I doubt that very much.” Her voice is soft with no accusing tone in it at all.
“Nothing happened last night, mom. I swear.” I say holding my hand out to her hoping that she believes me. I’m not such an asshole that would take advantage of Cass like that. To prey on a girl at her weakest is one of the most disturbing things that I can think of.
“I didn’t think that at all.” She smiles back at me and it comforts me knowing that my mom trusts me after all. “I just need to know one thing, Isaac. Did you know that this was going on?” she squeezes my hand softly.
“No mom. I didn’t. I wish I had. I wish I had been more observant, or that I pushed Cass into opening up more. But I didn’t.” I feel ashamed. How did I not see it? How did I not get her to talk to me?
“Well, at least, you were there when your friend needed you to be. I’m sure that she is grateful for that.” Another soft smile reaches her eyes.
“Maybe.” I stare down at the placemat on the kitchen table. I can't help but think that maybe Cass didn’t trust me enough. Maybe her feelings for me are not as strong as mine are. I have been nothing but honest with her from day one. I have told her things that not another living soul knows. Yet when it came to it, she d
idn’t confide in me the same way. She was suffering and I was blind to it. I always thought that she would tell me everything like I did her. Guess I was wrong.
“Isaac, don’t blame yourself. I can see it your eyes that you feel responsible for your friend but Cassandra is a strong young lady and sometimes strong women can't admit to needing help once in a while. They prefer to suffer in silence and deal with it head on. They endure.” I wake up from my own self-loathing and look at my mother understanding fully what she is telling me. There is a pain in her eyes and it breaks me to know that the women that are most important to me, are the ones that I can't do anything for. I couldn’t protect my mother and now I can't protect Cass. Life is so fucking unfair. She squeezes my hand one more time. If there was ever anyone that could read me like an open book that’s my mother.
“I don’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say to her.” I feel completely defeated.
“Listen to me, Isaac. I’m sure that whatever is happening in Cass’s life right now, it will pass. I’m sure that after her mom talks to Anna, that they will figure out something. Trust that Isaac. Cass’s mom has good friends that she can count on. I just think she’s forgotten that’s all, and Cass has you and you’ll make sure that she doesn’t forget that.” I take all the air I can into my lungs. My mom is right. I’ll be here for her, for whatever she needs. If she wants to let me in, then she will. If she can't, then I’ll be patient. How can I not be?
“It’s terrifying isn't it?”
“Yeah, mom. It's pretty freaking terrifying. This whole situation is really screwed up.” I get up from my chair and take her mug to rinse it off. My mom turns to the side of the chair facing me and giggles. Which shocks the hell out of me, since this is no laughing matter.
“I wasn’t referring to the situation Isaac, even though that this is something a child shouldn’t go through alone.” I raise an eyebrow, puzzled. My mom gets up from her chair and leans against the kitchen sink next to me. “Falling in love, Isaac. That’s what I meant when I said that it’s terrifying.” She places a hand on my shoulder and gives it a soft squeeze, but I can't look her in the eye and just stare at the empty mug.
“I’m going to check on Cass’s brother. He’s suffering too, he just shows it a little differently. His anger comes from a place of feeling helpless in protecting the ones he loves. He kind of reminds me of someone.” My mother gives me another warm smile and leaves the kitchen. Yeah, Nick will be in good hands with my mother. I hear footsteps coming down the stairs and I half expect that my aunt is finally finished with her visit but Cass is the one that comes into the kitchen looking as exhausted and as defeated as she was last night.
“My aunt still upstairs?” She nods silently and walks over to the cupboard to grab a mug. “Is your mom awake then?” She nods again and pours some fresh coffee into it. I stand by the sink not moving an inch, hoping that she will finally say something. She doesn’t. She walks over to the kitchen table, sits down and just stares at the window.
“Where’s Nicky?” she says still not looking at me.
“He’s outside. Don’t worry. My mom’s with him. He’ll be okay.” She lets out a small awkward laugh and I know what she’s thinking. They are both far from being okay. I sit next to her and grab her hand. At first, I feel that she wants to pull away from me, but then as I stroke her fingers, she starts to relax.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I whisper. She looks up at me and I see the dark circles under her eyes. Evidence of last night’s emotional toll.
“I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know what’s going on, so it's kind of hard to confide in someone if you don’t understand what you’re confiding.” I sigh and kiss her forehead, holding her hand tight to my chest.
“It’ll be okay Cass. I promise.” I say in the hopes that this will comfort her, but in reality, I don’t know if it will be okay. She smirks and pulls away from me. She puts her mug in the sink and looks over at me trying to vocalize what she’s thinking but I already know what she wants to say without her actually having to say the words.
“Don’t worry. I get it now. What happened last night in my room won't happen again. I get it, Cass. You need a friend more than you need a boyfriend. Whatever you need, I’ll be that for you. It’s okay. We’re okay.” I see relief in her eyes, and even though I mean every word, it still hurts me to say them to her. “I’m here. I’ll be what you need for as long as you need it. But no more secrets. You can tell me anything, I don’t scare off easily.” My smile comes out small, but at least, it’s sincere. She walks over to me and places her warm hand on my face. I grab hold of it and close my eyes. She doesn’t need to see that my heart is breaking. She doesn’t need to worry about me when this is happening to her.
“Thank you,” She whispers. She starts walking away from me and I can't help but call out to her.
“Cass, when this, whatever this is, gets right, then I’m going to need more than just your friendship. Can you live with that?” I hear how my voice sounds. Supplicating, hell, to my ears it even sounds like I’m begging, and I hope to God that she doesn’t pick up on it.
She looks over to me and gives me one of her shy smiles and leaves without answering my question.
CASS
After everyone had left, I went upstairs again to check up on my mom. Jess’s mom had told me that she would pick her up this afternoon as they were able to get an appointment with our family doctor. My mom was in the bathroom taking a shower and I sat on her bed, waiting for her to come out. Everything that happened last night seemed like a dream. If it hadn’t been for Isaac, I would have thought that it had been a nightmare instead.
My mother entered the room with a towel wrapped around her head wearing nothing but her bathrobe. She looked as exhausted as I felt. She sat next to me and I placed my head on her lap. She stroked my hair in silence for the longest time.
“I’m sorry about yesterday, honey. I’m not really sure what happened, but I’m sorry that you had to go through that,” she hushed to me.
“I know, mom.” My voice was as faint as hers.
“I know that I told you that I would wait for your dad to get some help, but I think that I can't wait that long. Anna will come and pick me up in a couple of hours and its all for the best.”
“What’s going to happen now?” I feel frightened and I want to kick myself for not being able to hide it in my voice. She straightens me out and looks into my eyes.
“Cass, I don’t want you to worry. I’m sure that this is nothing, but I know that I haven’t felt like myself for a long while and it's not fair to you or to Nicky. I’m going to get help and everything will be back to normal. I promise.” I’ve heard a lot of promises this morning. All of which I know that can't be kept. No one knows what the future brings and to promise that everything will be alright, doesn’t seem realistic to me.
“I’m going to get dressed now but first, I need to talk to your brother. Then I’ll call your dad and let him know too.” I nod and get up off the bed. I look back at my mother and my heart tightens. I love her so much, but right now I am too frightened of the damage that she can do.
Once I make it downstairs Nicky is on the living room couch, staring at the portrait he did of mom. I know that he’s mad at me and I know how long my brother can hold a grudge. I won't take it to heart. I blame myself enough for the both of us. He was right. I should have never left yesterday. If I had just stayed home, maybe my mother wouldn’t have had this panic episode. Maybe she would have gone right back to bed, once she saw that I was fine. Maybe she wouldn’t have even woken up. If I turned back the clock, I have no idea what could have happened but now everyone knew that something was wrong with her and my brother would never forgive me for not protecting her. I deserved his wrath.
“Nicky, mom wants to talk to you.” He looks over at me finally realizing that I’m in the room as well, and ignores me completely. He gets off the couch and passes right by me without giving me a second look.
Before he walks up the stairs, he stops and stares at his feet.
“If anything happens to her Cass, I will never forgive you.” His tone is full of venom and hatred, and I feel my tears sting the back of my eyes.
“I know.”
Time passes too quickly and before I know it, it’s Christmas break. Before my dad came home, my mother had been in and out of the hospital most days with Jess’s mom. Our doctor had diagnosed her with acute depression but still wanted to run test after test to make sure that it wasn’t physical, but a mental illness that had conquered my once happy mother.
For the first couple of days, since that awful night, both Ronnie and Jess had been livid with me. Even though they couldn’t understand why I would keep something like this from them, in the end, they overlooked it and stepped up for me like I needed them to. Nicky was something else altogether. He hadn’t been able to forgive me and had given me the silent treatment for weeks. Luckily my mom was the one that made him, at least, be civil with me.
The medication that she was on was very strong and she would sleep most of the day, but at night when we got home, she was strong enough to sit with us at the dinner table and try to act as engaged as possible.
