by Ines Vieira
“I know.” I grab his face and keep it still above me. I feel my tears falling quietly on my face. We’ve been hurting for too long because I was just too afraid of losing him in the long run. Isn’t it ironic that it was my fear of losing him that drove him away? Fear would not hold me back tonight. I just needed him to see that.
“Look at me Isaac.”
“Baby, please just look at me.” That’s when he finally opens his eyes. I see the torment behind those sparkling white stars, but with it, I see a spark of hope. That’s the part of him that I want to bring out.
“You never called me baby.” His voice is a sweet, low wind on my face. “Cass, what does that mean?” He brings his forehead again to mine and brings my face to his. “Baby, what does that mean?” he pleads.
“Tell me what you want me to say and I’ll say it. Just don’t let me go again.” I confess. I’d say anything he wanted me to. I’d pour my heart out if he needed me to. He swallows hard and keeps still for a few seconds.
“Just tell me that you’re mine. Lie to me if you have to. I’ll believe every word. Just tell me that you’re mine, Cass ‘cause I’m so fucking yours it hurts. Just tell me that you’re mine.” He begs softly. Even through my tears, I am still able to smile.
“I don’t have to lie, Isaac. I’m yours. I’ve always been yours. I’ve never stopped.” I whisper. I have barely started confessing my undying devotion to my blued eyed boy when he takes me into his arms and kisses me like my lips were made just for him. In this moment, I feel like I’m soaring above the busy city streets reaching the heavens. All the noise coming from the cars and taxis next to us disappears. The feeling of the subway beneath us feels like a lullaby rocking us closer together. Everything feels too perfect for words in Isaac’s embrace. Everything falls into place with the light touch of his lips on mine. He reluctantly pulls away from me to wipe the tears that persist in falling and he looks at me concerned.
“They’re happy tears, Isaac. I’m happy.” I smile at him.
“Fuck Cass. I’m so fucking happy that my heart is gonna burst.” He lets out a small laugh.“But there is so much I still have to say. We’ve lost so much time, baby. I want to make up for each day that we’ve been apart.”
“Breathe Isaac,” I repeat the very words that he uses on Brandon and the kids in the center when they get too overwhelmed. “I’m not going anywhere. We have all the time in the world.” I see his shoulders relax and he pulls me to his chest and kisses the top of my head.
“Ok, baby. I’ll cool it. For now anyway.” I hear the smile in his voice. “Do you want to go back to the club? You were having so much fun. We can go back if you want.” He says as his thumb traces my lower lip. I shake my head and see the mischievous sparkle flare up in his eyes.
“You want to go back to the hotel?” His crooked grin is splattered on his gorgeous face. I nod. He grabs my hand and before I know it we are racing to catch the subway back to our hotel. We barely make it in before the doors close behind us.
“Wait! I have to text the girls that I’m okay. I don’t want them to worry.”
“I’ll text Tony. We probably won't get the best reception down here but I’ll text him anyway. You just hold on tight to me. I don’t want anyone to get any ideas about my girl.” He says as he eyes a couple of guys checking out my backside and I doubt it’s to know the label of my black skinny jeans.
“Humph. Those looks compared to the day that I first met you are harmless. I thought that if Mr. Wilson wasn’t there to protect me that you would have bent me over his desk right there and then.” I laugh.
“Can’t say I didn’t think that at the time.” I roll my eyes at him and bite my lip. Still, I grab his waist and hold on tight until we reach our stop.
Once we get to the hotel lobby, Isaac phone beeps and he pulls it out from his back pocket. It's probably a text from Tony confirming that he received ours. I was sending out my own to Jess and Ronnie telling them that I was safe and sound at the hotel when I hear Isaac laugh under his breath.
“What?” I ask curiously.
“Nothing, Cass. Just Tony being Tony.”
“What does that mean?” I ask as I press the elevator button. He shrugs almost embarrassed of what he’s about to say and it’s the first time tonight that I see that boyish grin I love so much.
“What? Tell me.” I kiss his cheek and enter the elevator pulling him in with me.
“Promise you won't get angry at him? Or at Jess and Ronnie for that matter?”
“Oh God, what did they do now? Don’t tell me the girls are dancing on tables and Tony is too drunk off his ass to do anything about it?” I tease. I know damn well that neither Ronnie or Jess were the type of girls to put that type of spectacle on and I was positive that Tony would be on his best behavior looking after both girls. The whole night through I saw how he lingered over them like a papa bear over his cubs. They were in good hands.
“No, nothing so extreme as that. He just said that they were going to make a night of it and that later on he would crash with the girls in their room.”
“In our room?” I raise an eyebrow. “And why wouldn’t he crash in his room, with you?” Isaac brushes his hair back again, and I think it’s the first time I’ve ever seen him blush.
“I don’t know. You’ll have to ask them. Maybe they just don’t want to wake us up when they get in god knows when.”
“Yeah, I’m sure that’s what they’re thinking. Our beauty sleep must be really high on their priority list right about now.” I tease. “Well, I guess this means you’re stuck with me tonight.” I kiss him lightly. “You okay with that?”
“I think I’ll live.”
CHAPTER 21
ISAAC
We have adjoining rooms so I leave Cass at her door so that she can take a quick shower and change. I am so nervous that I take a shower, brush my teeth and get undressed in under ten minutes. I only leave my boxers on and I pace around the room so many times that I feel the carpet wear out under the soles of my feet.
But then it hit me. This was the last thing I thought would happen this weekend. In other words, I didn’t bring any condoms with me. I do a quick check in Tony’s luggage, but to no avail. If he brought anything, he has it with him. Great! But it didn’t matter. I could still love Cass without having to do the actual deed. We would have plenty of other opportunities. Just the thought alone of the future being ours and that she was mine, was enough for me to be reduced to act like a kid alone in a candy store. I couldn’t shake the smile off my face even if I wanted to.
Then she opens the door. She’s wearing only a white cotton t-shirt that ends a little below her thighs and I kick myself for not even hoping that this could have happened this weekend.
Her hair is wet and clinging to her shoulders. Her eyes are on me and I see that innocent blush rise up her cheeks. I can’t seem to move. My Cass is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. How she can be fearless one moment and the next this innocent perfection is beyond me. She reaches the bed on one side and kneels on the mattress, lifting her hand out towards me to meet her half way. I take her hand and crawl my way to her from the other side. I feel my heart miraculously recovered with her looking at me in the same way that I must be looking at her. I pull her lips towards mine and taste that cherry softness that has been haunting me since the first day I ever kissed her. My tongue twists and turns until it breaks the seam of her lips only to be greeted with its equal. I feel her hand fisting at the sides of my boxers pulling me closer to her and with the deepening of our kiss I feel a groan emanated freely from deep within me. I feel her thumbs inch within my waistband and I put my hands on her shoulders to break free.
“We won't do anything tonight Cass,” I tell her, as I tenderly stroke her chin. Hurt is immediately laced on her face. “Baby it’s not that I don’t want to, I do. But a guy has to prepare for these sorts of occasions beforehand, and as you can see we’re not in a teenage boy’s bedroom, this time, are
we?” I say, as I gently kiss her nose to lessen the blow. She sheepishly lowers her gaze from mine, and I see that she is pondering what to say.
“I’m on the pill.” Her reply is hesitant and I’m a bit shocked to hear these four little words.
“What? When?Why?” I sit up straight on the bed looking at her like this is the first time I’ve ever seen her. Cass crosses her legs on the bed and stares at me like this would be something I should expect and not be this stunned.
“Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later don’t you think?” I mull it over in my head trying to make sense of what she said. The rational part of my brain says that she’s right. After our first night together, it was the responsible thing to do. But the irrational part of me, the one that is in the driver's seat of my brain right now is thinking about all the guys that Cass was going to sleep with in the future. Hell no!!
“So after that night, you went straight to the Health Clinic to prepare yourself for future screw ‘em and leave ‘em kinda of thing, huh?” I’m almost yelling and I know deep down I’m being fucking ridiculous, but I can't help it. The rage I’m feeling is bigger than me. Stronger.
“To hell with you Isaac! That’s so not fair!” She yells back and I see that her anger is matching my own.
“Really, fair? How fair was it that you came into my bed and didn’t even give me the heads up that I was about to take your virginity? You have to admit Cass, your track record on fairness is a little lacking, don’t you think?” I’m still barking out every word and I wish I could stop but images of her body being underneath anyone else’s but mine is making me psychotic.
“Really? You want to play it like that, do you? Well, I didn’t see you licking your wounds for long. Hell, I don’t even think that your mourning period lasted for more than 24 hours until you jumped over to your next victim. Or are you forgetting about Lily?” Cass is now on her knees on the bed sitting back on her heels looking me straight in the eye, provoking me to defend myself.
“Are you kidding me? I barely even touched the girl! Sure I kissed her at some lame ass party that Alex and Tony had dragged me to. But I only did it because I was so fucking miserable! I just wanted to feel something else than the crippling pain that was on my chest 24/7. I felt like you had reached out and removed my heart from my body and hacked it off with an icepick!”
“That’s a pretty graphic image, Isaac.” She’s not yelling anymore. There’s a ghost of a smile threatening to make an appearance and my violent rage simmers and is replaced yet again with only thoughts of her.
“So you didn’t sleep with her?”
“No baby, God no!”
“There was no one else?”
“Cass, there is only you!” I crawl over to her again and cradle her head to my chest.
“Well, I’ve only ever been with you.” She whispers back.
“If I have it my way, I’ll be the only one you’ll ever need.”
“Isaac, please don’t talk like that. We don’t know what the future has in store for us.”
“Cass, I know that it scares you. It scares me too sometimes. Especially these past couple of months when I thought that I had lost you for good, but I need be honest with you and most importantly with myself.” I sigh exasperated.
“I have been falling in love with you ever since I got back. I didn’t want to. I sure as hell didn’t believe that this could ever happen to me. But it did and I can’t pretend that I don’t feel it just because it’s scary. I love you, Cass. Please don’t make me hide it.”
The way she looks into my eyes makes me feel more vulnerable than the words I have said. I know that big words like love and always freak her out, but they’re too real and permanent for me to keep inside any longer. If she’ll have me, she needs to have all of me. That includes how I feel for her, even if that terrifies her. I won’t let her fear come between us again, and I need to make sure that she won’t let it either. Otherwise, I’m just setting myself up for a world of pain all over again.
Cass takes my hand in hers and places a small kiss on each finger. She then places both of our hands on her heart and looks up at me with unshed tears in her eyes.
She doesn’t say a word. She doesn’t tell me that she loves me too. But the same way that I don’t want to hide my feelings any longer, she couldn’t hide hers even if she tried. Her eyes tell me she feels the same way all down to her inner core. Even if she can’t say the words yet, her heart has already acknowledged that it belongs to me.
I grab the hem of her t-shirt and while holding her stare, I lift it over her head. Her long auburn hair falls to the front of her chest covering her creamy skin with that fiery perfection. We are both on our knees in the middle of the bed, centimeters apart. It’s close enough to hear our heartbeats hum the same song. I gently move the curtain of her hair to fall onto her back and leave her front exposed to my glare.
“I think that you might be right after all, Cass. When you said that God was one of the greatest artists we’ll be privileged to witness his works up close. The day he made you, he broke the mold. You’re perfect, Cass.” I whisper. I can’t take my eyes off her. I want to touch each and every patch of skin from the top of her forehead straight down to her toes. I want to be as familiar with her body as I am with my own. Before I try to touch her, she places her hands on my chest. Her eyes wandering all over my body with eager appreciation.
“I have to say, that he was pretty inspired when he came up with you, too.”
There’s that timid smile that I love so much, but at the same time, I see the adoration in it. It’s like my soul has just been kissed by sunshine and I doubt that anyone has ever been this peaceful, this content, this whole.
I lean in and lightly kiss her lips. My eyes open and begging for her to love me always like this. She doesn’t shy away from my kiss. Instead, she falls back onto her back bringing our bodies to collide together perfectly on the mattress. Her hands are traveling lightly on my back, while our kiss deepens into something so tender and sweet that it envelops our senses.
There is no outside world anymore. There is no past, no hurt, no fear. Only us. Only her and I. There are no words, yet with each kiss, we declare our devotion to each other. With each touch, we confess all our secrets, all our desires. With each stare, we connect our souls and link them together to form a chain of hope and love. And then when finally we are just one body, one heart, one breath, we promise forever.
It feels like being weak and strong all in one. It is paralyzing fear of losing each other and at the same time feeling so blessed. The word love seems too small a word, compared to what our bodies and hearts yell with every movement When it seems that this feeling can’t get any higher, that it can’t progress to anything more beautiful than it already has, we both reach our own personal utopia, trembling in each other arms with the afterglow of it all.
I let my head fall to the pillow and she nuzzles her head on my chest. I grab her hand and kiss each finger, the same way she did mine. My heart is so full, that I feel that it may in fact burst with this much happiness. The small silence that follows is nothing but a reflection of that happiness.
“Isaac?”
“Hum?” I fantasize of staying like this forever. Just lying here next to her, running my fingers through hers. If I could, I’d never leave this room.
“Isaac? When did you know?” She looks up at me with those gorgeous eyes that have me at their mercy.
“Know what, baby?” I continue to stroke her perfect fingers, making sure that they recognize mine for the rest of their lives. She pulls herself up and nestles her head on the pillow next to me.
“When did you know that you loved me?” her voice comes out a bit demure and a little embarrassed. I turn to my side and face her. I move the hair that’s in her face and stroke her smooth cheek.
“I wish I could tell you that it was the first time I saw you. But we both know that that would be a lie. I was too much of an asshole back then. It never crossed my
mind that I would ever fall in love. Much less in High School. It was something that I thought was made up for people to make it easier on themselves when they had to accept their lot in life. Another marketing strategy to sell flowers and Valentine cards. To me, the illusion of love was what sold movies and books and all those songs you hear on the radio. I mean, I understood that there must be something to it. Something that was more intense than friendship and sex.”
“But I had no way of knowing just what this feeling really was until that one Sunday afternoon with you. I knew that I was falling in love with you that day at the pier when we were watching the sunset and my heart just couldn’t keep still with you next to me. That day I felt like I wanted to see every sunset with only you for the rest of my life. It totally freaked me out too. At first, I wanted to deny it, hell I wanted to beat it out of me. Yet every day after that, I fell just a little deeper in your web and before I knew it, I was yours. I’ve been yours ever since that day.” Her eyes sparkle and I see that coy smile make its way to her lips.
“Kiss me, Isaac.”
So I do.
I kiss her.
I kiss her and love her until we see our first sunrise together in the New York skyline and I promise myself that this will be just the first of many yet to come.
CASS
It’s a couple of minutes past midnight when we finally get back to Plymouth. The last 24 hours have been the best in my life and coming back home somehow feels like I’m going to wake up from this dream. But it’s not a dream. My confirmation that this weekend really did happen is here next to me, holding my hand as he drives me home from Jess’s house. This is real. His thumb stroking my palm is proof that this is not a figment of my imagination. Isaac is here with me and this is how we will stay.
When we reach my street, I still can't shake the nagging feeling that my happy bubble will pop and all this will disappear. Maybe it's because I wasn’t able to open up to Isaac as he was able to open up to me. He had told me he loved me and for the life of me, those three little words not only made me feel ten feet tall but also made me want to run away and hide. How could these words hold such a punch that it took the wind right out of me? I knew Isaac loved me. Even if he didn’t say it, even if I wanted to deny it in the past, deep down I always knew. So why did it still frighten me when all I wanted was, in fact, the love of this blue eyed boy next to me?
