by Ines Vieira
“The paramedics said our mom had a seizure back at the house. That doesn’t sound like a symptom of depression to me.” I feel Nick’s eyes on me as if this hadn’t occurred to him before. My back is up straight, my voice so deadpan that I see the discomfort on the elderly doctor’s face.
“I’ve been reading up on my mom’s mental condition for awhile now, so I know the signs. I know that in severe cases of depression like psychotic depression, hallucination can occur. But I haven’t read anywhere that they can cause seizures, which mean that there is something else going on with our mom. She’s not only depressed. She’s actually really sick, isn’t she?” This white haired doctor looks at all of us, calmly trying to find his next words. I see that he pauses just a second on Jess’s mom face, before settling on mine.
“Well, Cassandra, depression is a relentless sickness on its own. And you’re right, it cause hallucinations in patients that suffer from severe clinical depression.” He pauses, putting his hands inside his pockets and taking in Nicky’s and my anxious demeanor.
“But that’s not what my mother has, is it? Well at least it’s not all of it.” My voice is cold and unfeeling. My whole appearance completely stoic, even though inside, I feel as a volcano is about to burst through. Isaac squeezes my hand and I see that he’s staring the doctor down in his own way.
“Cassandra dear, maybe it’s best that Doctor O’Malley talk to your father when he arrives.” If I had any doubt that Jess’s mom knew my mother’s physician, her lapse at calling him by his surname, gave her away.
“Fuck that! You’re telling me what my mom has now, Doc!” Nick has always had a way with words. I smirk and hold Doctor O’Malley’s gaze relentlessly showing that both my brother and I will not be subdued with pretty words.
“I think that maybe it would be more prudent to talk to your father. At the moment, your mother is being looked after and we will keep you updated on any developments every hour.” Before he starts to turn away from us, my larger-than-life boyfriend and intimidating brother are by his side preventing one more step to be taken.
“Doc, I’ve had a hell of a night. I come home to find my mom in the kitchen holding a kitchen knife over my sister’s head while she is kneeling on the floor crying her eyes out. I don’t know about you, but that kind of fucks up the whole night anyway, so anything bad you have to tell me about my mother, you're going to tell me now. Not in an hour, not tomorrow, and not when my dad gets here.” Nick then takes one step closer to the man in white and leans in almost whispering the rest in his ear.
“I’m fifteen, Doc, which means any shit I do, all I get is Juvie. Right now, I’d do anything for some answers. You feel me Doc?!” Any other time, I would roll my eyes at Nicky acting like an extra in a Godfather movie, but looking at the beet red face of Doctor O'Malley, I see that it’s done the trick. Especially with both Nicky and Isaac looking like they wouldn’t bat an eye at doing some serious damage to the hospital lounge or the Doc’s face.
“Nicholas, enough.” Jess’s dad as always is the voice of reason. “Doctor O'Malley, as you can see these kids love their mother very much, and being kept in the dark is just cruel. Please, is there anything that you can tell us?” I see the wave of relief on the doctor’s face when he realizes that there is someone aside from him that is still logical, but he’s still silent debating if he should say anything. Probably doctor-patient confidentiality prevents him from saying what he knows would bring us a small piece of comfort into this whole fucked-up ordeal.
“It’s okay, Doctor. Please just tell them what is wrong with Jules.” Jess’s mom is the one that finally persuades him to be forthcoming with what ails my mother.
“Well, alright. I assume since Mr. Mackenzie will be here shortly and tell you himself, I can at least explain how Mrs. Mackenzie’s current state is.”Nick and Isaac step back and give the doctor his much-needed space as he shrugs in defeat. “As you know, your mother has been dealing with depression for some time now. At first, we were sure that this was the right prognosis, but still we did other tests just in case it could be something more physical, and not just mental. Unfortunately last Christmas, we did find something after her second round of testes. There is a small tumor in her frontal cortex. It was very difficult for us to pinpoint it since all the symptoms were also very common with depression. Her fatigue, loss of appetite, memory loss and change in behavior. All of these symptoms are very common to our original prognosis, so when we found the tumor, it was unexpected. However when she started to experience the seizures, we ran more testes. A second MRI, EEG, Angiogram, and also Neuropsychology tests which confirmed the misdiagnosis. We were able to confirm it was indeed cancer.”
The room is spinning and the only thing that is grounding me to the floor is my knee jerk reaction to grab onto Nicky's hand. Cancer? Seizures, as in more than the one she had tonight?
“We took the necessary steps that we needed to shrink the tumor with radiation, unfortunately, it wasn’t as effective as we would have liked. Our next step would be surgery. I had recommended that this be done sooner rather than later, but your mother was adamant that we would only take this route when your father was able to finish his contract in Alaska. We were comfortable that with radiation and the appropriate medication, that we could stall for another few more months.” The doctor pauses fully aware that what he will say next will be the dagger that will rip apart the already open wound.
“Sadly we were wrong. We cannot wait any longer, and surgery is the only course of action that we can take.”
“You mean brain surgery? That’s what you’re telling us, right Doc? You’re going to cut into my mom’s brain, that’s what you're telling us?” The choking sound of Nick’s voice will be something I will never forget. If I turn to face him, I’ll see his gray eyes full of watery tears screaming for release.
“Yes, son. That’s what we need to do. We have enough time to wait for your father to arrive so that he can sign the consent forms and we have booked the surgery for tomorrow at noon. I promise that right now your mother is as comfortable as we can make her, and we will keep you updated should anything change.” For the worse he means. He’ll tell us if something worse happens from now until twelve pm tomorrow.
“Can we see her?” I know I’m the one that asks, but Nicky is the one that is already begging for us to see our mother.
“Your mother has been sedated, so she won't even know that you are in the room. She also needs as much rest as possible for tomorrow, so I also don’t want her agitated should she wake up.”
“Please, let them see their mother for five minutes. Jules needs her kids just as much as they need her,” Jess’s dad pleads on our behalf and after an excruciating pause, the doctor nods and shows us to mom’s room.
CHAPTER 22
ISAAC
Everyone was exhausted. My mother had left early to tend to the shop with Uncle Carlos, but Aunt Annie stayed with us. Tony, Alex, Decker and Ronnie also showed up around 7 am with a few of Nicky’s friends. Cass hadn’t been able to sleep at all and Nick was too wired to even sit down for the entire night.
Around 8, I kissed my girl and left her in the care of Ronnie and Jess to get some much-needed coffee for everyone. In a couple of hours, Cass’s dad would arrive and Jules would be taken into surgery. We were all emotionally drained. Aside from the normal sounds of the hospital, the waiting area seemed to hold the silence that you would find in a crypt, only interrupted by a few low whispers of comfort. I couldn’t protect Cass from what she was going through any more than I could rewind the clock and go back to happier times. Life is a total bitch. She gives you happiness with one hand just so she could knock you on your ass with the other. I was greatly acquainted with these feelings of helplessness and impotence, and I hated that Cass was being introduced to them as well. There was nothing that I wouldn’t do for her, yet there was nothing to be done. All I could do was be by her side, and that incompetence ate me from inside.
As I mad
e my way to the coffee machine, I saw Nick smoking a cigarette outside the hospital entrance.
“Shit!.” That’s exactly what Cass needs now. Worrying about her brother getting lung cancer. I walk outside and immediately feel the cold air hit my face, offering my second wind. At least I’ll be awake while lecturing Cass’s little brother on why it’s not the time to light up.
“Why are you here?” At first, I think that he’s talking to me, but then I see her. Even if I had never been introduced to her before at one of those stupid football games Veronica made us attend, her perfect mocha skin and green eyes were identical to her older sibling. I didn’t even know that Nick ran in the same circles as Veronica’s little sister, Chloe. I mean, not that I paid a lot of attention to sophomores, but it would have never crossed my mind that the dark and tortured persona that Nicky was, would even look twice at the cheerleading captain wannabe.
“I had to come.” Her green eyes look just as swollen as Cass’s so I know this poor girl has spent the whole night crying too.
“Does this mean that you changed your mind?” Nick takes one last drag of his cigarette and then flicks it into a sewage drain.
“No.” She shakes her head and hugs herself tight, even though her parka looks warm enough to fight off the morning chill.
“So why are you here?” She takes a few steps closer to Nick and places her hands on his chest
“Nicky… You know why. I had to come. I needed to see that you were alright.”
“I waited for you last night. I waited, Chloe.”
“I know.” He bends down and places his forehead to hers and even though he whispers it, I still make out his next words.
“I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose my mom and you too, Chloe. I can't deal with both.” Chloe places her small hands on Nick’s face to wipe off the one small moment of weakness that Nick has had all night.
“Your mom will be fine, Nicky. She’s a fighter just like you. She’ll pull through this.”
“Will we? Pull through this, I mean?”
Silence.
Whatever this meeting is between the two of them, I suddenly feel that I’ve been spying on too private a moment. I decide to forget the whole cigarette and Chloe conundrum and head back inside. Before I make it to the door, I hear a very pained “Fuck” coming from Nick’s mouth and as I turn around I see why. Chloe is no longer with him.
Christopher Mackenzie arrives around eleven looking like the battered, broken shell of the man I met last Christmas. The doctor allows all three family members to see Jules one more time before surgery, and just like last night, the light in Cass’s eyes has been extinguished. Both Nick and and Cass’s dad hold their own, but they prefer their solitude do deal with the next 6 to 8 expected hours of surgery. They were all in the room when the doctor explained to Jules how the surgery would play out. I wasn’t in the room, but I can almost bet good money that Cass questioned anything and everything that she could. That’s how she coped. Information was her savior, and she would get it any way she could to deal with what was to come.
“Do you want to go for a walk? You’ve been stuck inside this place for hours. How about some fresh air?” I couldn’t tell if she registered any of my words, but as I pulled her out of her seat, she followed me willingly enough. Outside we find a bench and sit while Cass just looks up at the sky with her head placed on my shoulders.
“They shaved her head, you know? All that beautiful red hair is now inside a trash bin somewhere inside this godforsaken place.”
“It will grow back, Cass.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s just the image of her head like that really shouts out cancer, you know?”
“I know, babe.”
“I keep replaying these past months over and over again in my head, and I feel so foolish for not seeing it sooner. Why didn’t I figure it out before it got so screwed up?” I kiss her hair and hold her to me.
“Your mom didn’t want you to worry Cass. With everything that’s going on, being your senior year, trying to get into college, plus your dad not being here, I guess she just didn’t want to put this on your plate too.”
“I guess me getting my heart broken for the first time, didn’t help her to be forthcoming with this information either. I’m so stupid, Isaac. I’m usually so good at smelling out bullshit a mile away, yet with my mother, I never saw it coming.” I turn her to face me this time. I need her to look at me so she knows how much I regret the last couple of months without her.
“I hate that I played a part in that, Cass.”
“I know, but that doesn’t matter now. We’re good Isaac, right? Please tell me that at least we still make sense, cause everything else is turning to shit.” I kiss her lightly with a chaste kiss and move her stubborn strand of hair back behind her ear.
“Yeah, babe. We’re good. Now that I’ve got you back, nothing is gonna pry me away from you.”
“Good. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you too.”
“You’re not losing anything or anyone Cassandra. In a couple of hours, your mom will be out of surgery and everything will be fine. You know how lucky she was to catch this early? Focus on that Cass. Focus on all that can go right for once, not wrong.” She leans on my chest and I feel her smile for the first time since I brought her home last night.
“My Isaac, all Mr. Positive now. Who would have thought it?”
“Well get used to it.” I tease her. “I have plenty to be thankful for Cass and I feel it in my heart that your mom does too. So she'll fight the good fight and be back home before you know it.” Cass raises her head and looks up at me. What I see is love behind her pain. She starts to open her mouth to say it, but not today, not like this. I want to hear these words when there is no drama around us. I want to hear it when it’s not fueled by the fear of loss. So I do what now comes naturally to me. I kiss her again to silence those three little words that my heart aches to hear. Not today. It will have to wait for a better tomorrow. Knowing she loves me is enough. Cass let out a small sigh of contentment and rests her head on my shoulder.
“You want to hear something funny?” she whispers. “My birthday is tomorrow, and my whole family will probably spend it inside those wretched hospital walls. I’ll finally be an adult and all I want is my mother to cradle me in her arms. Ironic, don’t you think?” I turn to her again and look at those beautiful hazel eyes that have had me enamored since the first time I saw them,
“Turning 18 is overrated.” I kiss her forehead and she offers me that same shy smile that lights me up and breaks me in half all at once.
CHAPTER 23
ISAAC
The next couple of weeks go by in a blur. Jules’ surgery is a success and the doctors are optimistic that they were able to remove the tumor entirely. Hopefully, they will be able to give the official all clear in a couple of months and Cass’s mom’s cancer will be labeled as in remission.
Cass’s dad also is back for good, so that alone makes my girl happy beyond belief. After her mom’s illness, the Mackenzie family needed a break, and everyone finally living under the same roof, alive and well, that was all they ever wanted. So if everything is all so fine and dandy, why can’t I help but feel that there is still a dark cloud above us and that this blessing will be tarnished somehow? Cass has been so overjoyed lately, that I can’t bare to taint it with my own feelings of doom. I convince myself that it’s nothing but my own insecurities at play. That since I have never been this fucking happy in all my life that something has to give. Right?
When I first heard the commotion, I actually thought that it was one of Uncle Carlos’s movies on way, way too loud. That maybe the raucousness was just a result of him sitting on the remote again. I should have known better that the vile words being said and the loud crashes that I heard coming from downstairs were the soundtrack to my own life and not that of a 90’s action movie. It was only when I heard the sound of my mother whimper did it finally sink in that the shit had officially hit the fan.
I ran out of my room and down the flight of stairs so fast that I almost fell on the last step.
“YOU BITCH!” He clawed his way to her and she tried to stand up from the floor.
“Where is it?! Where is it, puta de merda?! WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?! It took me but two seconds to get acquainted to this familiar scenario. My mother was on the floor from what could have only been the result of his thundering backhand striking her face. My aunt and Jess were trying to lift her up, without getting in the way of the raging bull that was coming at all three of them. My uncle in the middle trying to make sense of all this, while trying to bring my father back to reality from the rage he saw in his eyes. My poor uncle. This was reality. The quietness of these last months, his controlled temper, that was just a small breather that he allowed us to have.
“Heitor! Stop! What are you doing? This is your wife. What has gotten into you?” My uncle is grasping for the floor that has apparently flipped on him without even a hint that this would be taking place in his house. My uncle’s arms are stretched in front of him trying desperately to protect my mother just as much as his wife and daughter
“You whore! You’re going to tell me where it is! Even if I have to beat it out of you!” I’ve seen my father enraged before, I’ve seen that evil embodied his whole frame before. But usually, it also comes with slurred words from the effects of two bottles of Jack. This is the other type of devil that I’ve been accustomed to. Tonight he looks as sober as a choir boy at Sunday Mass yet I have never seen him look more villainous. He’s yelling and ranting, throwing his arms all over the place until he’s able to get to his target. That’s what he looks like. A savage beast just trying to push through whatever gets’ in the way of it and its kill. This devil only calms down after blood is shed.
Jess is yelling back at him to stop this madness while my aunt is crying next to my mother realizing that this cannot be a one-off event. She’s grabbing my mother's hand close to her, tight enough that I see my mother’s hand go white with the loss of blood to her circulation.
