by Jeannie Moon
She had to think about where she was going to live.
As much as she loved the Rinaldis and her little cottage, there was no way she could stay here since she and Nick were over. If they’d worked out, she could have stayed.
Now, there wasn’t a chance. No one was telling her to leave. There was absolutely no pressure, but it didn’t feel right. Nick was family, and family should stick together.
As she walked up from the beach, Jordan pulled out her earbuds and immediately heard barking. It was Gertie’s bark. Certain she left the dog in the house, she jogged toward the cottage, to be greeted by her pup, as well as the displeased stares of her three friends. Fabulous. The inquisition was in town.
Lilly, Mia, and Fiona were sitting in the Adirondack chairs on her back porch, arms folded and staring. Cold and pissy, Jordan knew she was about to get crap from them about avoiding them for the past few days, and she was in no mood for it.
She loved her friends, but her brain was a jumbled mess, and she needed time to make sense of what she was feeling. And she didn’t need help.
Gertie hopped at her legs and Jordan took a deep breath as she squatted down to scratch behind her ears. The dog loved it, but Jordan was stalling, trying to gather her thoughts before the questions hit.
She had no idea if they knew she’d broken it off with Nick. If they did, she was going to hear about it. If they didn’t, she was going to have to tell them, and then she’d hear about it. Talk about a no-win scenario.
Jordan stood, and took the final steps toward the porch. Mia rose and wrapped her in a warm hug. The kindest person she knew, Mia always worried about others. “How are you doing?”
“Okay, I guess,” Jordan responded as Mia held tight.
Easing away Mia’s large brown eyes were full of compassion and understanding. “Yeah? Are you sure?”
Jordan nodded relieved that she wasn’t going to have a confrontation.
“Really? Then what possessed you to dump Nick?” Mia’s compassion turned to exasperation in nothing flat.
“Sweet Jesus.” Jordan walked away from Mia only to be met by Lilly and Fiona.
“She’s right,” Lilly said. “What could possibly have made you do that? He loves you, Jor. And you love him. I know you do.”
Lilly wasn’t wrong. Jordan loved Nick so much she ached. She knew he also loved her. So how did she explain to her friends that stepping back hadn’t been easy, that the decision still gutted her? “He may love me, but he doesn’t need me. He doesn’t trust me.”
“What the hell are you babbling about?” Fiona snapped.
Jordan maneuvered around her and headed inside. She did not need this. Apparently, her friends didn’t get the memo that she was capable of making her own decisions.
The back door opened into Jordan’s bedroom, where she kicked off her shoes and grabbed her bathrobe. She had no intention of listening to anything they had to say. She was going to shower, and eat something, and she was going to get lost in junk TV. If they wanted to stay and be quiet, that was fine.
Of course, Lilly followed her right into the bathroom. Closing the door, her friend threw the lock, right before parking her butt on the closed toilet seat. “Talk to me.”
“For Pete’s sake, can’t you just leave this alone?”
“Not when you’re hurting. I don’t believe you really want things to end this way. Tell me what’s going on in your head?”
The problem with Lilly’s request was that Jordan wasn’t sure. Everything was a jumbled mess, from the feelings about her dad, to how she felt about Nick—nothing made sense. What she did know was that she wanted more from him. She wanted him to trust her the same way she trusted him.
If he couldn’t open up when he was at his worst, or most vulnerable, how would they weather the storms that come in even the best marriages? In her mind, relationships, and marriages, were more than just two people falling in love. Falling in love was the easy part. The trust, opening the most secret part of yourself to another person, that’s what marriages were based on. Nick wasn’t willing to do that for her.
Lilly reached out and took her hand. “You said something about trust. I know that’s a sticking point for you, but what makes Nick untrustworthy?”
“It’s not that he’s untrustworthy. I don’t think he’s going to cheat, but he doesn’t trust me. He doesn’t trust me, Lilly. He’s hurting and he can’t tell me why, and that just breaks my heart.”
Jordan had cried herself silly for days, and she didn’t think there were any tears left, but one managed to find its way free and track down her cheek. “We all know what happened when Nick was in Afghanistan, and I know it was horrible for him. But it haunts him. Something that happened, something he’s feeling, is haunting him. And he won’t tell me what it is. He won’t trust me with his pain. I think… I think in his mind, it’s enough to scare me off.”
Lilly’s eyes were focused straight ahead, she didn’t blink, her face was frozen, motionless. “Wow. I never thought about it like that. Does he know that’s how you feel?”
“He knows I feel shut out. I’ve asked him multiple times to tell me what’s going on in his head. He says it’s in the past, and we shouldn’t dig it up.”
“Okay, but did you tell him exactly what you just told me? About trust?”
“Not in those words, no.”
“You know,” Lilly began. “I don’t have the best track record with men, so you can take what I say with a grain of salt, but it seems to me the male of the species doesn’t excel at communication, and that means we are required to be direct. I’m guessing he’s not wrapping his head around why you broke up with him.”
“I’d spelled it out for him. How could he not know?”
Lilly laughed. “Seriously? He’s a man, but I fully believe he wants to give you everything, he just doesn’t know how to do it.”
“I refuse to believe he’s that obtuse.”
Lilly shrugged. “I don’t know, I wouldn’t call it obtuse. My guess is, like you said, it scares him senseless. He may want to keep that part of himself buried forever. But if you don’t ask him directly, tell him he has nothing to worry about from you, then he never has a chance to give you what you want.”
“I don’t know if I can face him again.” Jordan was ready to pack up and move, that’s how badly she wanted to put distance between herself and her heartbreak. Seeing Nick again would crush her. “I’d be surprised if he even wants to talk to me.”
Lilly leaned forward and dropped her hand on Jordan’s knee. “I wish I had some advice for you, but I don’t. All I know is the two of you are meant to be together. He loves you, Jordan. He loves you so much.”
He did. He did love her. Which is what made the situation that much more tragic.
*
At four-thirty in the morning, Nick didn’t expect his parents to come clattering down the back stairs into the kitchen. But then he remembered they were flying home today. Over the past several months, he’d seen more of his folks than he had in ten years. He’d decided it wasn’t a bad thing.
He’d just fixed himself a sub with Nona’s leftover meatballs, topped with too much cheese, and he fully expected to get shit from his mother for eating like this in the middle of the night.
He was right.
“Nicky! What on earth are you doing?”
“Couldn’t sleep.”
“You’re eating that? Let me…”
“Bella,” his father said. “Leave him alone.”
For once, his father’s interference was welcome. His parents had flown home to California, only to fly back when Jordan’s dad died. He was touched at how quickly they’d gotten back to town, but after a week and a half, it was time for them to go home. “I’m fine, Mom. I just want to eat this. Then I’m going back to bed.”
“You’re not going to sleep with that churning in your belly, you’re going to have nightmares.”
“That won’t be anything new,” he growled as he took a bite.
The room went completely still, as both his parents took seats on each side of him. His mother’s head dropped to his shoulder, his father’s hand settled on his back, and Nick felt their worry.
“Still having nightmares?” His mother clutched his hand.
He nodded. “Yeah. You knew about them?”
“Of course. I watched you suffer with them every time you slept. It wasn’t like you ever wanted to talk about it.”
He’d never allowed himself to entertain the possibility that his mother had seen his nightmares. He avoided talking about them to everyone, including Jordan, and she’d not only seen them, but felt them. “I still have a lot left to unpack, I guess.”
“You guess?” His father sat back and glared.
“Dad, look…”
Throwing up his hands, his father stood and walked a circle around the island. “I know. I’m not allowed to have an opinion because I wasn’t there.”
“Jesus.” Nick ran his hand through his hair. All he wanted was to gorge himself in peace.
“You still haven’t told him?” His mother was the one glaring now… right at his dad. “You promised me you’d tell him.”
His dad waved her off, but Mom wasn’t about to let this go. “Marco!”
“Tell me what?” Nick hated when people talked around him, especially when it obviously had something to do with him.
“It doesn’t matter.” His dad wouldn’t look at him, and that was a strong break for the man who had the mettle to stare down a raging bull.
“Fine. You’re not going to tell him, I will. Your father had bypass surgery the day we got word about you. I was in the hospital waiting room when I found out from the Navy what had happened.”
“Bypass?” Nick felt like he’d been punched in the gut. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”
His father turned and faced him square. “Because you needed to focus on your own recovery. I could deal with you being angry with me, but not worrying. I made your mother promise not to tell you.”
“Dad, I’m a doctor. I should have known!” He couldn’t get his brain around his parents’ thinking. Over a year. They’d kept this from him for over a year.
“No. You’re my son.” His father approached and reclaimed the stool next to him. “Nothing is more important than that. I wanted you to get well. I managed okay. Your sister was around to keep me honest.”
Nick ran a hand across his chest as he thought about the anger he’d been harboring against his father, all because he didn’t know the truth. There was a hollow pang deep inside, and sadness—true deep sadness—because he wasn’t the son he should have been.
“Are you okay now?”
“Good as new.” His father’s grin was sincere and solemn at the same time. “Now it’s time for you, Nick. You have to deal with the scars. You can’t hide from them.”
“It’s not the same.” The guilt he felt couldn’t be fixed with an operation.
“I know. But it’s running your life,” his mother said softly.
It was ruining his life.
There was a gentle rapping on the side door, letting them know the car to take his parents to the airport had arrived. For the first time in a long while, he was sorry to see them leave.
His father clasped his hand and pulled him into a great hug. “You have a good woman who loves you. Let her help. She has a heart of gold, that one. Let her in.”
What had George said to him? She’ll bring you home.
His mother clutched his face and kissed both his cheeks. “I love you, my boy. Please remember how many people love you.”
Walking his parents to the door, he waved as they got into the black SUV sitting in the driveway. His mother, sweet as ever, blew him a kiss.
Once the car pulled away, Nick was left staring at the little cottage where Jordan slept. She’d saved his life, and the only way he was going to get her back was by letting her see the worst part of himself. The war had left him empty, and it was only because of her that he’d started to find his way home.
And it was only in facing his demons that he could finish the journey back.
*
Nothing beat a chilly night near the bay. The air was clean, and now that the last bit of pneumonia was gone, taking a deep breath was even more glorious. Wrapped in a soft knitted throw, Jordan sank into the Adirondack chair, watching the moonlight make patterns on the rippling waves. She sipped her coffee, happy for the quiet.
She sure was going to miss the place, but considering how things had gone with Nick, and that she hadn’t heard from him in almost a week, Jordan felt it was best for her to leave the cottage.
Lina still didn’t know, and Jordan expected her landlady would tell her it was fine to stay. That her living there had nothing to do with her grandson, but that wouldn’t be fair to any of the Rinaldis, especially Nick. He needed his family, and Jordan wasn’t about to hijack them. Taking a long sip from the big china mug, she thought about where she might go.
There weren’t a lot of places to rent in Compass Cove, which was why she’d started looking for a house. Her father had left her some money, and it was enough to buy something in town, close to her friends and her very extended family.
Liam and Ed had stopped by after her meltdown, had offered some advice and another small memento of Lucy’s. The ring was going to stay safely in the vault, but instead Ed had found something equally as valuable if not more so: a bracelet, and hanging from it was a carefully crafted compass charm.
The gold ornament was detailed to look just like the compass Lucy brought to Caleb. Her new husband had made the miniature as a wedding gift, so she would always remember what brought them together. It was magic in its own way, and Jordan cherished the gift. She believed in love, and she hoped one day the kind of love she needed would find her.
It seemed no matter how many questions she asked—of others or herself—there weren’t any answers. She’d sat up late with Lilly the night before, and she couldn’t offer any advice or insight other than one thing: this was Nick’s battle to fight. And until he faced his own demons, there wouldn’t be any answers about what was holding him back.
She heard footsteps coming around the cottage and wondered who it was this time. People had been popping in and out all week to check on her. It wasn’t unexpected, especially in a place like Compass Cove, where the town was like a big family. She was, however, surprised to see Nick. She heard he might be heading out west to see his parents, but apparently that wasn’t the case. Her heart did a little skip when she saw him, and it started flip-flopping as he came closer and she could catch his scent on the breeze from the bay.
He turned and faced the water before sitting on the top step only a couple of feet away from her. They sat in silence for a long time, staring at the water and listening to the brand-new leaves rustle in the breeze.
“Six children died the day the clinic was attacked. Six. Including a baby who wasn’t even six months old. Parents were all dead too.”
She opened her mouth to speak, but he held up his hand. “Let me get through this, okay?”
“Okay,” she whispered, but she joined him on the step and took his hand in hers. When Nick looked over, his eyes filled, but the tears didn’t spill over.
“When I heard the shots, I looked out from the examining room, and my first instinct wasn’t to help, but to run. I got the nurses and the patients out the back door, and I was about to follow when I caught sight of my side arm.” He took a deep, shuddering breath. “Once they got out, I stopped, and thought probably three seconds too long before I grabbed my gun and went back in.”
He paused, gazing at her for a long moment, but she didn’t flinch. Squeezing his hand, she urged him to go on. “By the time I got to the waiting area, the last person was dying. A young mom, holding her child. She was bleeding out. I aimed at the shooter. We must have fired at almost the same time. I hit him in the head and he went down, spraying bullets. I’d already been hit once. I was caug
ht twice more.”
“It sounds like you did everything you could.” She wanted to comfort him.
“She was still alive, the mother, clutching her dead baby, knowing that she was going to die. And she looked right in my eyes, wordlessly pleading with me to help, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t help. All because I hesitated. I failed them all.”
Nick’s head fell forward, and she felt helpless. He was in such pain, all for something he didn’t do. “I don’t think you failed anyone. You did everything you could.”
Pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, he tried to pull himself together. “That hiccup, that fleeting thought I had to run out the back…”
“Was normal. You acted just like any other human being. Except for one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“You didn’t run. You went back in, and kept that maniac from killing another day.”
“I hesitated.”
“You sacrificed yourself. You were fully prepared to die, weren’t you?”
Pausing, he nodded. “Yes.”
Jordan leaned her head on his shoulder. His strong shoulders that would hold the world up for the people he loved, but crumbled under his own guilt. “I’m glad you didn’t,” she whispered. “I don’t know where I’d be without you.”
“Better off.” He shook his head, dismissing how much he meant to her.
“No. Not better off. How can you say that?” Jordan felt her own eyes fill. He had no idea that he’d saved her. In so many ways, he’d saved her from herself. “If I have to spend every day of my life convincing you that you’re wrong, I will.”
“You should run.”
“No.” Easing her way into his lap, she hugged him tight. “No, we’ll get through it together. Whatever life throws at us, we’ll get through. That’s what love is all about. It means you stick together, no matter what. I love you and I believe in you.”
“I won’t let you down, Jordan. I promise. I will do everything I can to make you happy.”
Jordan leaned in and kissed him gently on the lips. “I’m going to hold you to that, Doctor.”
