by Rock, R. A.
I prodded a tiny bit at the man’s public mind.
God fucking damn it. More trickery.
I had to give them credit, though. They had protections in place to keep their leader safe and that impressed me.
“You know what?” I said, breaking into the conversation. Chad couldn’t hide his surprise and I wished I had thought to warn him. “That’s all well and good, but we’d like to speak to the person who makes the actual decisions. We’re not interested in dealing with some minor war chief.”
I gave the hot guy a look and he seemed annoyed and then a moment later… impressed. He gave me another glance that ought to have been saved for the bedroom and I tried to calm my racing heart. Then as the real Chief stepped forward, I smirked at him.
Like Chad had said, I was always right.
About stuff like this, anyway.
THE WOMAN was in her mid-fifties maybe and looked trim.
“So you figured out our little ruse,” she said, eyeing me appraisingly. “No one else ever has. I don’t care how. But you should know that my minor war chief speaks for me, when I can’t. And that what he said is what I think, too. It’s just too dangerous to risk our people.”
“But aren’t you affected by what happens at the Castle?” Chad said. “Don’t you want to make this entire area safer for your people? Because I can guarantee that if Brett has any influence over this Bakersfield, then he will be making you and your people very miserable in the coming years.”
The woman gazed at Chad in silence, thinking. And I remembered this part of their culture from the time I had spent with my Cree friends when I was younger. There were actual spaces in the conversation. Time to think. To reflect on what the other person had said. There was no rush to fill the quiet until you genuinely had something to say.
Very unlike Western culture where people were always impatiently waiting for the other person to finish — or sometimes even interrupting — in order to say what they wanted to say.
Finally she spoke.
“But if we antagonize Bakersfield, we could suffer severe repercussions. Maybe even have to move our home.”
Chad appeared troubled, his blue eyes dark as he stared at the old grey carpet on the floor.
“I wouldn’t want that,” he said, lifting his eyes to meet hers again. “Maybe we could continue this conversation at a later time? Give everyone some time to think?”
“Perhaps that would be best,” the woman said. “It will give us each a chance to reflect. We can offer you a place to sleep for the night, since I assume you’ve travelled far to get here today.”
“We would appreciate that very much,” Chad said, not answering her question about how far we had travelled. I mean, we had travelled far but it had been in the blink of an eye.
The war chief and his men put away their guns but kept their eyes on us. They escorted us to a house that had been outfitted as a dorm, from what I could see through the doorway, with bunk beds lining the living room. As the others all filed in, the war chief cut me off, shutting the door smoothly and stepping into my personal space.
“Minor war chief?” he said, looking down at me from where he towered above me. His scent was male and not unpleasant. I felt my body responding.
God it had been a long time since I’d had sex.
And this guy was sex on a stick.
I shrugged.
“Do you feel less of a man because you’re not the Chief?” I said, thinking of what Chad had said to Gideon back at Sipwesk all those weeks ago.
“No,” he said, moving closer. “Everyone has their strengths. Hers is leading. Mine is battle.”
His gaze dipped down to my lips and back up to my eyes.
“From the way you were handling that sword, I’m assuming yours is too.”
“You don’t want to meet me in a dark alley,” I said, trying to maintain my composure and failing completely. “And while we’re on the subject of that sword, I would like it back. I’m quite partial to it.”
He smiled and suddenly I could hear my pulse pounding in my ears. Wow. I was blinded by that smile.
“Actually, I think I would like to meet a woman like you somewhere dark. But not with a sword.”
I blinked. He was flirting with me. Actually flirting, I realized.
I wasn’t sure anyone had ever done that before. Other than Chad, of course. But that was different. Oh and the guard at New Winnipeg, I supposed.
“I don’t even know your name.”
“It’s Russell,” he said, leaning in closer. And I realized he was going to kiss me. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I was saved from having to decide as the door was wrenched open and Chad stood there, a dark expression on his face.
With the way he looked, I wouldn’t bet on this guy if Chad met him in a dark alley.
“There you are, Yumi,” he said, his jaw tight. “We wanted to make sure you were okay when you didn’t come in.”
I swallowed looking from Chad to the war chief.
“She’s okay,” Russell said, giving Chad a get away from my prey look. “And I’m not sure it’s your business anyway what she’s doing.”
“It’s my business because she’s my wife,” Chad said, taking my hand and pulling me up the two stairs into the house. I gave the man an apologetic look for Chad’s ridiculous behaviour. Although I was a little relieved he had kept the guy from kissing me because I was afraid that I might have kissed him back. And then I don’t know what I would have done.
The war chief grinned and gave me a wink.
“I’ll be at the Community Centre tonight,” he called after me. “If you get tired of the white boy.”
CHAD’S FURY WAS like lava coming through the soul bond and I tried to block it before I went up in flames. Ignoring the startled expressions on our friends’ faces, he pulled me to one of the bedrooms and shut the door. It was a tiny room and I pushed my back against the door, feeling intimidated by him for possibly the first time in my life.
“What. Were. You. Doing?” he said, stepping into my space until we were only inches apart.
“We were just chatting,” I said, lifting my chin and feeling defensive.
“He was chatting you up.”
“Maybe,” I said, starting to feel annoyed. “What do you care, Chad? We’re just friends.”
“We. Are. Married.”
“In name only,” I pointed out. “Is it so hard to believe that someone else could find me attractive?”
“Of course not,” he said, practically growling. “You’re gorgeous.”
I was taken aback.
“Gorgeous?”
He moved a little closer.
“Hot as hell.”
“Really?” I couldn’t quite believe it. I knew he found me attractive and he had told me I was pretty but… gorgeous? “You think I’m gorgeous?”
His eyes burned into me.
“You are the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen, Tanaka. Every day is torture looking at you with those big dark eyes, those red lips, and that trim body. I just want to push you down somewhere and…” He stopped and I wished he hadn’t. Then he stepped back away from me, seeming to come back from the lust-filled caveman he had just become. “As I’ve said before, attraction isn’t enough.”
I had to admit that I was disappointed when he backed off.
“But you know how beautiful you are,” he said. “You don’t need me to tell you.”
I shook my head.
“No, I don’t.”
I gave a tiny shrug.
“Maybe that’s why I liked that that guy was in to me,” I explained. “Because he obviously found me pretty and attractive. And it was beyond clear what he needed from me.”
Chad scowled, sitting down on the bed. I faced him, arms crossed on my chest.
“And it’s not clear what I need from you?” he said, tilting his head and examining me. “I love you, Yumi. You must know that by now.”
My heart clenched.
&nbs
p; “I know that you love me, Chad. That’s never been the question, has it? Whether or not we love each other?”
He shook his head.
“But... what if the problem between us doesn’t come from there? What if it’s not that you don’t love me but that you’re simply not giving me what I need anymore? And vice versa.”
He stared at me unhappily and I tried to explain something that was only becoming clear in my mind at that instant.
“I don’t know,” I said, feeling through the idea that was coming to me. “We’ve known each other so many years. And, you know, we fell in love so long ago. It’s like…”
I paused trying to put what I was thinking into words.
“It’s like… what we needed from each other then was totally different. Because we’re different now. But maybe our relationship hasn’t changed to adjust for those differences.”
“What do you mean?” He said, his eyes intense, troubled.
“We’ve known each other for twenty years,” I said. “That’s a long time.”
Another nod of acknowledgement.
“And I’ve loved you almost as long. I’ve been in love with you since I was a teenager.”
I clenched my jaw at the thought of everything we had been through in the past two years.
“And I’ve loved you with my whole heart and soul ever since we met again in that Finder boardroom.”
“Yumi…” His voice was hoarse, pleading. But I wouldn’t let him sway me from saying what I needed to say.
“But think about it... what did I need from you when we first fell in love? Acceptance. Unconditional love. Protection maybe.”
He raised his eyebrows.
“Not protection for my body, protection for my heart. For my fragile sense of self. Protection from the darkness inside me that threatened to overwhelm me.”
“Okay,” he said, drawing a deep shuddering breath. “That’s probably true.”
“But don’t you see, Red? I don’t need that from you anymore. I’m not that scared, fragile girl. The darkness is mostly gone. It can’t destroy me anymore.”
“I know. I know, that’s good.”
“I know it’s good,” I said, swallowing hard. “But that’s exactly the problem.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t need that from you anymore. Protection. Acceptance. I have that in spades - for myself. You’ve given me that so thoroughly, it’s a part of me now.”
He stared at me.
“Is this where you tell me you don’t need me anymore at all?” He said, his eyes filled with dread. “That you want to go shack up with Mr. War Chief?”
“No,” I said. “But when you said that we needed to change, to become the kind of people who could be together forever... this was what you meant, though you didn’t know it. I just figured it out.“
He gazed into my eyes, glowering at me, not daring to hope.
“It’s not that we need to change who we are for each other. I think that would be impossible anyway. We need to figure out what we really need from each other now. That’s the key, Chad. That’s what it will take.”
“Tell me,” he said, and the caveman was completely gone now. Only Chad was left, his soul laid bare. “Tell me what you need and I’ll give it to you.”
His voice was desperate, wretched.
“I think I need you to let me go.” I said the first words that popped into my head and was completely startled by them.
His face crumpled, his eyes bright with tears.
“Yumi.”
“You’re holding on to me so tightly that I can’t breathe,” I said, only understanding it at this very moment. “And I think I’m doing the same to you. Let. Me. Go.”
One tear made its way down his cheek and got lost in that beard that I loved so much.
“Trust me,” I begged.
“I do.”
I stared at him.
“Then let me go,” I sent.
He stood up and opened the door.
“Red, please,” I said to his back, starting to cry.
“I need some time,” he ground out. “Just give me some time to process this, okay?”
“Okay,” I said, the pain coming through the soul bond nearly killing me. Then he twisted and looked back over his shoulder at me.
“I want to do this,” he said. “I really do. Especially if that’s what it will take for us to get back together.”
I waited, knowing there was a but in there somewhere.
“But I don’t know if I can,” he said. “I don’t know how.”
And then he left, leaving me in the shadowy room with only my broken heart and tears for company.
MY CONTINUED NEGOTIATION with the Chief of Cross Lake the next morning had been completely unproductive. She had maintained the position that they couldn’t risk antagonizing Bakersfield. And we left after breakfast — still with no allies.
But I didn’t really give a shit. The conversation Yumi and I had had the previous night, after that fucking war chief had been hitting on her, had left me raw. I couldn’t focus on anything else except the thought that she didn’t need what I had to give. It was killing me. I could hardly think straight.
She had been avoiding me and I was glad. I was too messed up to deal with her right now. I could barely function as it was.
I sent my memories of the outside of the Survivor community to Grace so that she could teleport us. We thought it prudent to go straight there, based on the reception we had had at Cross Lake. I had no desire to navigate another forest full of booby traps.
As we appeared on the edge of the Wastelands next to the door leading into the ground, I felt my stomach twist when I remembered what had happened the last time we had been here.
I sniffed a couple times, the chemical stink of the Wastelands blowing towards me on the putrid wind made my stomach churn even more and I tried to calm down. I would need to be on my game when we encountered Kyle, the leader of the Survivor community.
Madeline had been kind enough to give us all wedding bands. Grace and Shiv were together, of course and definitely looked the part. Audrey was going to say that she was married, but her partner had to be left behind because he was injured. Madeline had given her a locket with a picture of Dorian in it for her to show them. We didn’t want them trying to auction her off.
And of course, Yumi and I had our cover, which wasn’t a cover at all. Because we were married.
I felt like punching something when I thought about it.
My wife.
What did it even mean? When I married her, I thought I knew what it meant. I thought I knew what we had to be to each other. I had seen my parents happily married for years. It wasn’t like I didn’t know what a happy marriage looked like.
But our relationship had been a crazy ride of ups and downs the entire time, with losing the baby pretty much tearing what we had to shreds. And after we forgave each other, I thought that maybe we would get it sorted out. But when that didn’t happen… Well, maybe there simply weren’t enough fragments left for us to piece anything back together.
Fuck.
I gazed down at the gold band on my left ring finger that Madeline had replicated. It looked exactly like the one Yumi had slid on my finger at our wedding. It was engraved with the same Celtic love knot that matched the one on our hands.
Was she right about us not being what the other needed anymore? Was she not what I needed? What had I needed from her when we first fell in love?
Validation.
I had needed her to bolster my complete lack of confidence in myself.
Adoration.
I had needed her to make me feel like I was something special because I believed that I was the most boring, ordinary person on the face of the earth.
And I had needed her to need me. I had wanted to be her saviour, I was ashamed to admit even to myself.
But like she had said, maybe I didn’t need those things from her anymore. Maybe I needed somethin
g else. But I didn’t know what. I just knew that I was tired of hurting. If we couldn’t figure this out, then we needed to break up. I wanted to stop being in pain. I couldn’t take it anymore.
Then I let myself think about what she had said she needed from me. That I let her go. She said we needed to let each other go. And that had hurt. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense.
It wasn’t that we didn’t love each other.
And letting someone go didn’t mean that you stopped loving them. It just mean that you stopped keeping them in a stranglehold and calling it love.
But how was I supposed to let go? I didn’t know what that meant or what I would have to do. Maybe not going all meathead on her if some guy looked at her askance would be a good start.
At least I wouldn’t have to worry about that here. These people believed in marriage so strongly that divorce and adultery were frowned upon to the point that anyone who engaged him those behaviours was cast out or even killed depending on how serious their transgressions were.
No guy would dare to look at her like that anyplace but his own mind. So, at least I wouldn’t know about it. Somehow that didn’t make me feel better, knowing that all those old lechers would be looking at my pretty young wife and drooling over her in their heads.
“Okay,” Grace said, pulling me aside. “Shiv and I are good. And I think Audrey’s ring and locket will convince this guy. But…”
“But what?” I said, knowing my tone was snarky but unable to help it.
“But what about you two?” Grace said, glancing from me to Yumi and back again.
“We’ll be fine,” I said.
“Really?” She did not look like she believed me.
“Really.”
“Forgive me if I tell you that you two are not very convincing as a happily married couple.”
“So what do you want me to do, Grace?” I snapped at her.
“Act?” she said, getting upset, too. “Sleep together? Grovel? Whatever it would take to get you guys back to the way you used to be.”
Her eyes were filled with pain for us and I felt so bad about her being in the middle of every fight that Yumi and I had ever had.
“It’s hard to watch you in such pain, Chad,” she said. “I love you both so much, it kills me to see you making each other so unhappy.”
